


The Laws of Casus

by KayoAsano



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/F, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-01-26 14:44:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 86,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21375817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayoAsano/pseuds/KayoAsano
Summary: Human College AU-Peridot Costa a first-year college student just wanted a quiet life, to finish college with passable grades. Lapis Lazuli just wants to kill herself. They met and nothing would ever be the same again.
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 124
Kudos: 216





	1. Sinking Rocks and Lonely Gems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The more the universe appears comprehensible, the more it also appears pointless.”- Steven Weinberg

**Prologue**

Numb, she felt numb. Her phone vibrating in the pockets of her denim jeans. 

_ Shut up, I have nothing to say to all of you! _

She wanted to scream. She wanted to hit something, anything. But her emotions were trapped in the swirling mess that was her head. 

_ How long must I feel this way? _

It had been years. Countless therapies, pills, and medicines that wouldn't work. She was sick of smiling, she was sick of acting like everything was fine. She was tired of trying so hard to appear normal. So, she had planned. The date fixed, she got her stuff in order. It was supposed to be simple, walk to the edge and jump. There was no need for a note, no need to start any drama. It would be easy, no complicated mess, she would disappear and become nothing. She wanted the silence to engulf her, she wanted the pain to stop. She did not want to feel anything. 

Her first order of business was to give away whatever she had. Transferring the funds she had saved up over the years from her job to her parents. Then giving away her books and gaming consoles to her friends. **If she actually had any. **

"You sure you don't need this anymore?" Jasper had asked, her eyes lighting up in delight when Lapis handed her the PS4. 

"Sure, I'm bored of it," Lapis lied, chuckling at the girl's excitement, "Anyway been planning to get the switch so you can have this."

"Really! Sweet!" Jasper exclaimed. Her unruly hair bouncing as she jumped towards the console that Lapis held. Her childhood friend missing the signs and cues as she took the game disks from her. This was her last gift to Jasper…she was glad she liked it. 

Lapis felt the weight in her chest lighten. She had a purpose now, she knew what she had to do. Her mood lifted quite considerably and she found herself enjoying what she thought was going to be the last days on Earth. 

It was ironic how the prospect of death could make her feel so alive. 

The day came quickly and Lapis took to the infamous bridge. She had heard about it on the internet. Made the trip many times, first on foot, other times by bus. She had memorized the spot, calculated the distance. She did not want to fail, she had to succeed. 

There she lingered at the old rickety red bridge for an hour. The water below it calm and tranquil, looking somewhat inviting. Lapis walked the length, counting the steps passing by a sign that made her smirk. 

**Think of your loved ones. There is still hope. **

She was thinking of them. They told her they loved her. They told her they needed her. But they did not know this darkness. They did not know this emptiness. They did not know this anger. They did not share her pain. They loved her, and she loved them, so she chose this. 

_ I cannot be a burden. Not now, not ever. _

How can it be selfish when all she wanted was to help them. 

The cold winter winds rushed past making the leaves of the pine forest below rustle. It was time and she walked towards the spot. A smile breaking out and with determined ease swung her legs over the railing. The skies were overcast with gray clouds. It was going to snow soon. The lake would freeze overnight. Her body would rest at the bottom, never to be found. She had planned for this and she would see it through. 

Closing her eyes, she took a breath. The air was clean and she sighed. She did not hesitate, she took a step forward.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Chapter 1**

**Sinking Rocks and Lonely Gems**

Peridot was used to night shifts and she rather enjoyed it. Adorn in her black uniform and brown leather apron, Peridot leaned back into the counters taking a sip of hot chocolate that she had prepared earlier. It was a quiet night just the way she liked it. She had finished cleaning an hour ago, the mop and pail strewn lazily aside. Stocks would be arriving late at night and she had a few more hours to kill. 

Pulling out her laptop she began working on the college essay, grimacing at the bad half-finished report that her groupmates had handed in. 

"Fucking bastards," she muttered, pressing the delete button viciously. She hadn't the time or energy to chase after them and she would slog on it tonight. Unlike her groupmates, Peridot actually cared about her grades. 

Her phone buzzed in her pockets and she pulled it out. 

**A-hole: ** _ Yo, yo, yo, how you doing Peri. _

Peridot rolled her eyes, choosing to ignore the message her best friend Amethyst sent. A dozen and one spam messages later, Peridot was almost done with the report. She checked her phone again and choked. 

**Magnes: ** _ What the FUCK! _

There on her message feed were pictures of naked women. 

**A-hole: ** _ and she finally speaks. How ya doing nerd? _

**Magnes: ** _ Oh my god, you sent hundreds. WTF. Not cool Amy. _

**A-hole: ** _ Maybe not ignoring me would be great _

**Magnes: ** _ Shut up Amy. Don't you have an essay to finish? Aren't you sick of sending in spam! _

There was another picture of a rather good looking woman with short black hair. There were tattoos scattered around her naked body, a playful smirk on her pretty face and Peridot blushed. 

**A-hole: ** _ I found your type. Want her name? _

**Magnes: ** _ I'm going to kill you. _

**A-hole: ** _ Awww... Somebody is in a touchy mood. What happened? Drunkards? Rude customers? _

**Magnes: ** _ You just sent me porn and expect me to be fine with it. What if Pearl sees this! _

**A-hole: ** _ That girl needs to lighten up. She can be such a prude. _

**Magnes: ** _ I'll show these to her you clod. _

**A-hole: ** _ You planning to start a house fire, Peri? _

**Magnes: ** _ I wasn't the one who started it! _

Peridot sighed. As much as she loved Amethyst as a best friend, the girl was sometimes too much. She glanced at the pictures Amethyst sent her and blushed at a rather risky one. “Stupid...arse…” she cursed, deleting the image from her phone vehemently. She was about to delete the next one when she heard a crash. The bin outside had fallen over and Peridot groaned. 

Who was the fucking drunkard this time? She just cleaned it. Peridot slotted her phone into her pockets before making her way to the noise. Cold air greeted her when she stepped out. The street lamp beside her flickered for a moment. The skies above her covered in dark forbidding clouds. Autumn was ending soon, red and yellow leaves from the maple trees around her littered the ground. The pavement covered in a thin frost sheet, shining a little silver. Peridot shivered from the cold, wishing she had brought along her outerwear. 

“Hey Pops!” she called out to the figure that had tripped over the cans. “Care to drink somewhere else?”

If Pearl found out she's been talking to drunkards in the dead of night, she'll have a meltdown. Just thinking about it made Peridot wince. 

The street light above flickered and she found herself looking at deep blue eyes. There before her stood a tall, slightly lanky girl. Her short hair dyed blue, tattoos ran down the right side of her neck, hidden by the hood of the black sweater she had on. Blue denim jeans wrapped nicely around her slender figure. Peridot gulped, there standing before her was a beautiful girl. 

“Sorry,” the girl replied, her voice kinda mellow. “I couldn’t see very well.”

She bent over to pick up the trash can, putting it upright. 

“Is this in the correct position?” she asked and frowned when Peridot failed to answer. _ You stupid dork, say something! _

“Y...yeah...it’s fine.” Peridot stuttered and mentally made a note to kill herself later. She blushed as the girl approached her. Peridot couldn’t help but stare at the girl’s luscious lips, involuntarily licking her own. 

“Hey?” the girl popped into her view and Peridot yelped, jumping back. “Do you sell cigarettes?” 

It was then that Peridot noticed that the girl had been speaking to her. She had been gaping like a goldfish and she hadn’t even realized. Slightly annoyed with herself, Peridot nodded, pointing to the packets lined behind the counter.

“We have quite a few. I’ll need to see an ID though,” she said, reciting her usual customer service monologue and the girl reached into her pockets pulling out a leather wallet. 

“Anything is fine. The cheapest would be nice.”

They proceeded back to the store and the girl leaned on the counter. It was the first time Peridot got a proper look at this new intriguing stranger. The girl showed her an ID briefly and Peridot missed her name. _ She's 20...my age though. _She handed the girl the cigarettes and watched as she sauntered out of the store, lighting the stick with practiced ease. 

Her back hunched, a glassy look in her expression as she blew smoke into the cold air. The girl looked thoroughly exhausted and for some reason, Peridot couldn’t leave it. Something was nagging at her. _ What was a girl doing out here...alone? _

Reaching for the empty cups, Peridot made a decision. She filled the cup up with dispensable coffee and walked towards the girl, wincing as the cold winds bit into her skin when she exited the store. “Here, it’s on the house,” she said as the girl raised an eyebrow at the cup held out to her.

“Why?”

Peridot grew flustered and pushed the cup forward. “Just service, take it, you seem cold.”

“It’s not drugged right?”

“What-no!” Peridot spluttered, “I wouldn’t da-” She paused when she caught the smirk on the girl’s lips.

“Ok, I’m starting to get offended here.” Peridot sulked and the girl sniggered, snorting a little, it was kind of cute. Peridot relaxed as the girl took the cup from her. “Thanks,” she whispered. The girl took a sip and stuck out her tongue. 

“I think I might have burnt it,” she muttered and Peridot chuckled. 

“You drank it too fast, relax, it’s not going anywhere.”

“It tastes really bad.”

“It’s convenience store coffee, what do you expect?”

“Don’t know, maybe something the hippies are raving about...Civet cat poop beans?” 

“You have got to be joking.” Peridot gaped and the girl shrugged. “Hey, it’s all about the Poop nowadays....or stuff made in China.”

“Well…” Peridot pointed at the blouse she was wearing, pulling out the tag. “China makes good shirts.”

“Not you too.” the girl smirked, turning her sleeves up showing a ‘Made in China’ tag on the underside. “I feel like I’m being Colonized.” she joked. 

“Hey, we did it first. I guess its revenge of the Siths I guess.”

“Revenge of the...my god, your a nerd too.”

“What’s wrong with being a nerd?” Peridot pouted and the girl smiled. 

“Holding it up like a badge of honor?” she teased and Peridot frowned. “Nerds are cool now!”

“Really? I’m pretty sure most of the general population would agree with you.” the girl taunted and Peridot stood up about to give the girl a piece of her mind when she spotted the watch the girl was wearing. 

The girl had intentionally pulled her sleeves up to expose the little trinket and Peridot was immediately amazed. “Is...is that a…”

“Limited edition BB8 watch?” the girl continued. 

“Where in heaven's name did you get that?”

“Comic-con, it was a pain to get though.”

“How? When? What?! Expose your secrets woman!”

“Ok, ok cool your boner, sheeze,” the girl chuckled and then they talked. Peridot pointing out her favorite games and watching in glee as the girl nodded in agreement. “I don’t like the latest assassin's Creed though.” the girl would interject sometimes and Peridot would launch into her lectures. It was a funny feeling to have someone listen to her monologues. She was used to people walking away, used to the unfriendly glares she would receive when she got too passionate. Even Amethyst would tell her to shut up, but this girl...this girl was staying. She was actually listening patiently. 

A feeling of warmth bloomed in Peridot’s chest and she continued. Soon, it was dawn and the girl yawned. 

“Welp, that’s my cue to shut up,” Peridot replied, grinning slightly as the girl smiled sheepishly. There was a faraway look in her blue azure eyes like she wasn’t quite there. 

“Nah, it’s fine. I enjoyed your little rant.”

“It was a lecture actually,” Peridot muttered and the girl smiled.

“Cheers to a passionate nerd,’ the girl replied and Peridot gasped as the girl took the watch off, giving it to her. 

“For the coffee.” 

“What- I can’t possibly…”

“I insist,” the girl whispered, pushing the watch into her hands. Peridot gaped at the sudden luck and she stood up in joy admiring the new item she had acquired. “What can I say...thank you?” she exclaims. 

She puts the watch on and did a robot pose she had learned a few months back.

“Cool huh?” the girl teased and Peridot spluttered in embarrassment. The girl stood up, throwing the empty coffee cup into the bin and stubbing the cigarette on the sidewalk. 

“Nice meeting you Peridot.” the girl whispered. Before Peridot could respond the girl was walking away.

“Wait how did you know my name!?”

The girl turned, smiling mysteriously. “Figure it out yourself smartass.” 

Still stunned from the encounter, Peridot slowly waved at the girl slowly disappeared from view. It was a while later as she was cleaning the racks did she realize that she just had a full voluntary conversation with a stranger...that she had just met. 

It had been so natural and they talked like they had known each other for years. Peridot had no idea what had possessed her to do so but she had made the first move, something she never did before. It had been years since she felt this good about herself and she hummed a little tune. Peridot felt the BB8 watch on her wrist and smiled, happiness blooming in her chest. 

_ What was her name? _

The sudden fleeting thought popped into her mind and she groaned inwardly. 

_ Peridot, you stupid dork, you forgot to ask for her name...and her number!? _

Regret hit her almost immediately and for hours after that, she would think about the girl. And then she would wonder…

** _Why did she seem so sad?_ **

* * *

Huddled by the edge she stood, a cigarette stick dangling in her lips. She drew in the rancid smoke and breathed out watching as it mingled with the frosty air. The overhanging grey clouds holding no comfort. 

Lapis's gaze drifted to the dark waters swirling roughly below her and she smirked slightly. She had failed again. After weeks of coming and examining the red rickety old bridge, she had chickened out once more. 

A wind blew past, the harsh cold biting into her skin. She winced reaching into her pockets to pull out another stick and cursed. The cigarette packet was empty. Lapis could feel the voices starting up again and she crushed the packet in her hands, momentarily brushing against the vibrating smartphone in her pockets. Ignoring it, she made her way slowly off the bridge, she'll be back again. She was sure of it. 

It had started with an internet search. Top ten places to kill yourself, typed into the search bar. _ If Mae and Pai knew about this, they would be horrified. _ Just thinking about their reaction made the lump in Lapis's throat tightened.

**They'll be better off without you anyway**.

The voices looming and whispering constantly in her ears becoming louder. 

The bridge was the fifth on the list. A hundred and eighty suicide cases with a 100 percent success rate. The cold freezing water coupled with the height of the bridge made for an excellent kill spot. Lapis had been drawn to the pictures, then to the documentary done on it. They called it the Devil's bridge, built by one Clement Walters in the 1950s. It was meant to be a link bridge between the old abandoned mining town up north and Beach City. Then the mines died and Clement took his life at the same bridge he built. It was ironic and at the same time slightly funny. She had shared this information once in a drunkard stupor with an older girl she had hooked up with at a party after the band's live gig.

"That's fucked up," the woman had whispered. "You're fucked up." 

The woman's name she had forgotten, their encounter a fling. Lapis just needed somebody to hold that night and she did. It had been her first time and the woman was insufferable. Lapis allowed it to happen, she wanted to be hurt. And it hurt. Morning came and Lapis found herself standing over the naked woman. Her head throbbing from the drinks, her chest clenching tightly, she couldn't breathe and she left. The woman's words ringing in her head. 

**You're fucked up. **

The memories of that night stopped when she found herself tripping over a bin and falling to the ground. 

Blonde slightly oddly shaped hair, tanned freckled cheeks, and innocent green eyes greeted her. She was a head shorter than Lapis and there was a frown on her lips. Her spectacles gleaming under the street light. Lapis caught sight of the employee tag. _ Peridot Costa _. The girl's blonde and green appearance suited her gem name well. 

It started off pretty normal. Lapis asking for some cigarettes and the girl clumsily serving her. Lapis watched amused as the girl maneuvered a stool to reach some of the cheaper cigarette packs on the walls behind the counter. After making payment, Lapis had sauntered outside, smoking the stick. 

Then the cup of coffee was shoved towards her. _ You seem cold. _ The girl had stated, eyes as green as emeralds staring into hers. Lapis suddenly felt warm and it wasn't because of the coffee. 

Now here she was seated beside this strange girl who was ranting about the newest games that Lapis had played too. It was rare to find a girl who shared a love for games and she found herself joining in the conversation.

"How can you like Dead Space One more than Two?" Peridot exclaimed. "The controls for Two were much better, you could run while reloading the gun! And don't get me started on the horror aspects."

"Well, Issac didn't talk in One," Lapis answered cheekily and she watched as Peridot gaped. The girl wore her feelings on her sleeves. She was like an open book and was rather frank with her opinions, something Lapis appreciated. Peridot was unlike the other girls who had approached her, all who seemed to have some sort of hidden agenda. Either to hook up or to flirt, to use her for their means. Peridot was just there, an enigma of some sort. 

"Noooooo…" Peridot exclaimed at her answer and Lapis chuckled. "How about Three, you better not like three!"

"That is something we can both agree on." 

"Norton," they said at the same time and they glanced at each other. "Don't tell me, let me guess," Peridot started, "You stomped on his body a few hundred times?"

"Nah," Lapis answered and chuckled at the disbelief in Peridot's expression. 

"You didn't? Not once? Unbelievable."

"I shot him a few times, used stasis to freeze his body and launched his head down the cliff." Lapis continued, "Stomping a little too overrated."

"Now that's more like it." 

"If I could do the same for the girlfriend I would."

"Hmm...wouldn't blame you. She was a bitch." 

“Really, you seemed to like her when you were talking about Two.”

“That was different, she was different!” Peridot muttered. 

Time seemed to pass quickly as Peridot talked. The girl was passionate often ranting about the things she likes and the more Lapis listened, the more she felt the lump in her throat disappearing. The voices that had threatened to overwhelm her vanished. It was a strange feeling. Peridot was a stranger, somebody she barely even knew and yet...she felt like she knew the girl for ages. 

Lapis did not want this conversation to end, she wanted it to go on forever. She wanted to stay here bathed in the fluorescent light of the convenience store, listening to a girl she met only a couple of hours before. 

But it was not to be, her phone was vibrating violently in her pockets. This time it was not stopping. It was time to go and Lapis felt a pang of sadness that physically hurt. She watched as Peridot stood up and she sighed, a wry smile lingering on her lips. 

It was not to be. If anything, this had been a dream and if it was; it was time to wake up. She took out the watch that she had shown Peridot earlier. 

_ What are you doing? _

It wasn't hers, it had been a momento, something of **hers. **It was precious but somehow, Lapis wanted Peridot to have it. As she watched the girl's light up in pure unbridled joy Lapis felt the urge disappearing slightly. 

Then she knew, it was dangerous to hang around Peridot. She had to leave, her resolve was breaking. ** _Leave, you’re going to ruin her. Leave now!_ **

And she did, walking quickly away from the girl waving her goodbyes at her. She shuts her eyes trying to keep the pain in. She made her way towards the bus stop and sunk into the seats pulling out her vibrating phone. 

She flipped it open and found herself staring at thousands of frantic messages. Some from her parents, mostly from Jasper, Bismuth, and Rose. 

**Jasper: ** _ You better not be going what I think you’re doing. _

**Jasper: ** _ Lapis answer your damn fucking phone! We have a gig today, or did you forget that. _

**Jasper: ** _ Lapis, Lisa called did you break up with her. What the fuck, Lapis it’s only been a day! I’m not dealing with this shit. Answer your phone. _

**Jasper: ** _ that’s it, I’m calling your parents. _

**Rose: ** _ LL we’re worried, pls contact us. Where are you? LL? _

**Bismuth: ** _ Lappy, Jasper is melting down. She’s going apeshit crazy. You better get your arse down here. I’m worried too. _

Lapis winced at the messages and sighed. She punched in the number and almost immediately heard Jasper’s rough and desperate voice coming through.

“You better have a good explanation!” the girl practically screamed into the receiver.

“Hey,” Lapis greeted casually, it had been the wrong reply and there was silence on the other end.

“Rose, Rose Quartz, you deal with her. I can’t, fuck this!” Jasper shouted over the phone. A little while later, Rose Quartz, lithe but firm voice came through the receiver. 

“LL, you there?” she asked cautiously and Lapis had to hold back a sigh.

“I’m fine Rose, why are you guys making such a big deal out of this. I’m twenty, not eight. I’ll be back soon. I just needed some time to cool off...with Lisa. It's not a big deal. I broke off with her, we’re not going to last.”

“LL, that’s not it. You know why we’re worried.”

There was an uncomfortable pause and Lapis fiddled with the helm of her sweater. “The last time...you disappeared...you…” Rose spoke quietly, the worry evident in her voice. 

“Fucking cut yourself, ended up in a hospital in god knows where!” Jasper cut through, snatching the phone back and Lapis groaned. She heard Bismuth trying to calm the girl down but to no avail. “That was five years ago Jasper, I’m fine now.”

“Aye, you better be. Your parents are going crazy. Give them a call why don’t you. Stop giving us shit Lapis, you said so yourself, you’re twenty not eight, act like one!”

The call ended and Lapis closed the phone. The pressure in her chest expanding, she clenched her fists over the device. For a moment, she thought of the bridge, she thought of how easy it was to just end it all now. But then she thought of her parents, of Jasper, Rose, and Bismuth, of their messages...she couldn’t do it...not now. She had a plan to follow. 

** _You cannot make them suffer._ **

“Minimal casualties, Lapis,” she whispered to herself. 

The bus arrived and Lapis got on. There was a year more to go, she still had time. And as the bus made its way down the rough roads towards the main city, Lapis thought of Peridot. The longing to see the girl again was strong and it astounded her. 

_ “You only care about yourself you fucking prick!” _

Lisa’s voice ringing through. Lapis closed her eyes, sinking back into the seats. She will not. Lapis knew what she was...poison. She will not hurt anybody ever again. There was a plan and she would stick to it. 

“Minimal casualties.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would be my first official Steven Universe Fanfic. To be honest, I've already completed it, but I couldn't bring myself to post it. But after much convincing...from my friend, I've decided to post it. So here it is, a mess of a story born out in the dead of night. I hope you enjoy it. Sorry about the awkward writing...I have a long way to go.
> 
> Also references (Great Games deserve mentions):  
Dead Space 1  
Dead Space 2  
Dead Space 3  
Assassins Creed  
Star Wars


	2. First Parties and Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot goes to a party. Enough said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember every detail. The Germans wore Grey, you wore Blue- Humphrey Bogart, Casablanca

**Chapter 2**

**First Parties and Meetings**

“Peridot, don’t start,” Amethyst whined as Peridot played another one of her physics lecture on her newly bought computer speakers. The obnoxious sounds of the mathematician blaring through. 

“I’m in my room I can do whatever I want,” Peridot countered, turning the volume up and frowned when Amethyst threw a pillow into the screen, knocking the speakers down and sending her wires tumbling. “Enough already, if I hear one more word about a cat in a box with a bomb, I’m going to blow it up myself!” she snapped.

“Amethyst I have a test in a week, what the hell do you want?”

They were in the college dorm in Peridot’s room. Posters of different games, comics and anime characters littered the walls. A strange assortment of screens and digital devices were scattered around, clothes consisting mostly of black shirts with alien cartoon figures strewn on the floor. Amethyst bounced on Peridot’s small bed, messing up the green sheets. 

“I’ve been here for an hour Peridot, you promised to hang out!” the girl moaned. Peridot raised an eyebrow in annoyance, peering at the slightly plump Mexican girl. Her long unruly hair dyed purple, a playful look in her purple eyes. She was dressed in her usual purple tank top and black sweatpants, her black bra strap showing through. 

“Why don’t you bother Pearl or Sapphire or Ruby?” Peridot snapped and the girl snorted. “I did, Pearl chased me out...and Ruby was french kiss-”

“Nope, no, Amy!” Peridot snapped.

Amethyst laughed. “Come on Peridot, its college, not high school what did you expect.”

“Some decency would be nice!”

“Decency? In college? Come on Peri, lighten up! Besides I have nothing to do, I’m bored.”

“So you decided it would be a good idea to interrupt my limited study time?” 

“Periiii...come on...you have all day to study later, let’s hang out! Like now!”

“No, find someone-”

Amethyst rammed into her, dragging her half screaming half struggling out of the room. “Where...where are you bringing me, you big buffoon!”

“A party, a college party, not those snooty ones Pearl always bring us too.”

“Wait- Amy!”

Peridot struggled but to no avail. The girl was a hundred times stronger than her and she sighed, giving up. She did feel guilty for leaving Amethyst alone but sometimes the girl was too active. It couldn’t be helped though, Amethyst was the only overt extrovert in the group and she needed to hang out. Being indoors didn’t help the girl much and when her energy got too much she exploded. 

Sometime later, they were in Pearl’s second-hand van. For some odd reason, the second-year college student had wanted to head to the party too and Peridot found herself stuck in the middle of Sapphire and Ruby, who unfortunately were flirting with each other.

“Why are we doing this, Pearl?” Peridot whined.

“Well…” Pearl contemplated, “Amethyst really wanted to go...and I’m kind of interested in the-”

“Pearl has a crush,” Amethyst interrupted and Peridot watched as a blush appeared on the pale skin of the pink-haired girl’s cheeks. 

“I do not!” she huffed. The taller girl was now a deep shade of red and was fumbling uncharacteristically from Amethyst’s teases. 

“It’s not healthy to keep a secret,” Sapphire spoke, sniggering as Ruby rubbed circles around her hands. 

“Oui you clods, try to keep your pants together, alright, I’m sitting here!” Peridot interrupted and the two girls chuckled. Peridot groaned as they started flicking each other noses and Amethyst laughed at her predicament.

How in heaven's name did she get here? It had been a year since she started college and in that year she had found herself a group of close friends. Amethyst was a constant, they went far back going back to elementary school. So it was a no brainer that she would be here too, to bother her in college. They had signed up for a dorm together and ended up in an oddly named dorm called “Crystal Gems”. There they met the second-year undergraduate, Pearl Williams, a slightly uptight dorm assistant. Pearl was only a year older than them and an ex-pat from England, however, she behaved more like a mother than a normal college student. When they had first arrived, Amethyst had almost driven Pearl up the wall. They couldn’t stand each other guts and Pearl had almost kicked Amethyst out of the dorm.

That was many months ago but they were close friends now. Pearl despite her shortcomings, was pretty cool. 

Peridot glanced at Sapphire and Ruby who were now kissing each other. She turned away, sinking into the chair. They were third years. Sapphire Petrova was an undergraduate in Literature and Ruby Smith a mechanical student. They were kind of famous in college and were dubbed married “lesbian” couple. It was no secret that they were totally in love with each other and were rarely seen alone. For a couple of months, Peridot had been uncomfortable with their constant display of affection but she was used to it now...in fact, she was becoming immune. 

“Do you need a room?” she asked them sarcastically. Sapphire chuckled, her long dyed blue hair swaying as Ruby nuzzled her in the neck. The black girl with the dyed oddly shaped squarish red hair whispered something in Sapphire’s ear and the blue-haired blushed, her white cheeks were slightly flushed. 

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that!” Peridot snapped.

“Relax, Peridot,” Ruby said, chuckling, “We’ll do it after the party.”

“Too much information!”

“I don’t want to see it,” Pearl scolded, turning the van sharply on the frosted roads. “How long more to go Amethyst?”

“Hey, I never said it’ll be near.”

“You told me it’ll be a short way from the dorm, that’s why I decided to drive,” Pearl snapped, adjusting the sleeves of her white blouse. 

“Just a few more miles Pearly,” Amethyst drawled, placing her black boots on the dashboard and Pearl nagged about it. 

“It’s just boots!” Amethyst argued back.

“Amy, get your feet off the dashboard before she melts down!” Peridot scolded, before turning over to the kissing couple, “And stop smacking each other! You can do it at home!”

“Whoa, never thought Peridot would encourage them.” Amethyst whistled. Peridot hit the girl hard on the back of her head and Amethyst turned. “You’re dead nerd,” she challenged. 

“Bring it, asshole.”

Amethyst was about to launch herself when Pearl pulled the brakes. They landed in an awkward mess and she turned to glare at them.

“Stop it or I’m turning this van around!”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Peridot muttered, but the threat seemed to have an effect on Amethyst and for the remainder of the ride, the Mexican girl uncharacteristically behaved, only speaking when directions were needed. 

After an hour's drive, they finally reached the destination. “A short drive she says,” Pearl muttering angrily.

“A word of advice Pearl, never trust Amy,” Peridot said, patting the older girl on the shoulders. They exited the van and was greeted with a blast of cold air and the blast of loud preppy pop music. In front of them was a rather large red barn. Outside a bonfire was raging in the middle and BBQ pits were set up between the stage and pit. The air was filled with the stench of smoke and beer. It was loud and Peridot wrinkled her nose in disgust when she spotted a bunch of drunk college students laughing loudly at some table.

“Welcome to the coolest Party in Beach College!” Amethyst exclaimed, grabbing Peridot’s hands and dragging her into the crowd of poorly dressed young adults. There was beer being served, people kissing and dancing. A typical rowdy party that Peridot absolutely hated. She narrowly dodged a young man who was already drunk and was vomiting onto the ground.

“I regret this,” Peridot heard Pearl whisper.

“And what convinced you to come?” Peridot asked, “Who is this mysterious crush?”

Pearl spluttered and before she could answer, Amethyst had brought them to a small enclosed space at the back of the raging barn. “I’ll get the food, hey where’s Sapphire and Ruby?”

“Probably making out somewhere!” Peridot shouted over the loud music, wincing as bright disco light pierced the relatively dimly lit barn.

“Okayyy, we’ll find them later. I’ll get drinks too.”

"Apple juice please!" Pearl called out. 

"It's a party Pearl, not a babysitters club!" Amethyst protested. Pearl grimaced folding her arms. 

The purple head bounded off disappearing into the crowd. Peridot and Pearl sat awkwardly, looking out of place in their alien nerd hoodie and white prim blouse. The older girl wincing as a particularly drunk girl giggled and humped the back of one of the college frat boys. “Never listen to Amethyst, got it,” she muttered. They talked for a bit, cautiously, wary of the crowd before them. They were two very out of place nerds and were not comfortable with loud music and drunk crowds. 

“I don’t know what possessed me honestly,” Pearl said. 

“Really Pearl? It must be quite a serious crush.” Peridot teased and the older girl wrapped a hand around her brown checkered skirt. “She’s not a crush,” she muttered, blushing furiously, turning her face away and Peridot fell speechless. 

“Oh my god,” she chuckled and the girl punched her lightly. “Don’t tell Amethyst k, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Don’t tell Amethyst what?” the girl in question appeared a sly look on her face. She was carrying a couple of fries and a plate of barbecue meat. Three mugs of frothy beer carried haphazardly in her hands.

“If you drop that on me I’ll kill you,” Peridot seethes, rushing over to help the balancing act that was her best friend. They eventually got the mugs and food on the makeshift crate table. The sly smile on Amethyst never disappearing and Pearl looked away when she pestered her.

They were halfway through the meat when the already dim barn became dark. The music was cut and they were greeted with silence. “What’s happening!?” Pearl panicked, shifting closer to Peridot. A loud cheer broke though and the lights flashed back on. A bassist stood on the stage, her long orange hair swaying as she played a long riff expertly. She was slightly tanned with white streaks running down her skin. A skin condition? She turned to look at the crowd, her orange eyes piercing through. There were cheers as she played another long riff, her bass tilted back. There was something seductive about the way she held the instrument. 

“Oooooooo…they’re here!” Amethyst shouted, grabbing hold of Peridot and Pearl, pulling them towards the dance floor. Peridot winced as she was crushed by the intermingling crowd and then suddenly her heart stopped. A familiar mellow voice sounded throughout the barn, a girl with short dyed blue hair appeared on the stage, her azure eyes piercing, a smirk on her lips. She held the microphone in her hands, her voice deep. It was the girl! The girl from the convenience store. Peridot’s jaw dropped as the girl sung, her voice powerful and it sent chills down her back. Peridot stood shocked and when the girl’s gaze landed on her, she stopped. The music died and the crowd became confused by the lack of vocals. 

“Wow…” the girl whispered into the microphone, a smile breaking out. “Never thought I’ll see you here Peridot.” Her name ringing out throughout the barn. 

“What...What are you doing Lapis, get your arse back on the vocals!” a slightly muscular girl with rainbow-colored locks shouted at her, hitting the drums as she did so. “Oh yeah, sorry,” the girl chuckled, her gaze never once leaving Peridot.

_ Lapis...Lapis...was that her name? _

The bass picked up again and drums started. A guitar solo played by a rather good looking pink-haired girl sounded. Lapis's voice breaking through and the crowd cheered again. Lapis's voice reaching new heights as it hit the high notes. 

_ “And every night my mind is running around her.” _

The crowd vanished when Lapis pulled the mike away from the stand, leaning back and swaying along with the tune. Her short unruly blue hair swaying shining in the bright flashing lights. It was almost hypnotizing and Peridot couldn’t pull away.

_ “Thunder getting louder and louder…” _

Lapis smiled and Peridot could feel the beats penetrating her body. Her heart beating so hard she could hear it in ears. 

_ “Baby you’re like lightning in a bottle, I can’t let you go now that I got it and all I need is to be struck by your electric love…” _

The crowd cheered as the guitar riff picked up. It had been a cover of a song they’ve all heard before but it was different, original, refreshing and powerful. The beats were all over the place, they were not synchronized and yet it worked. It was strange and when Lapis sang out the last phrase breaking into silence, leaning back, throwing the mike into the air catching it, the crowd went wild. 

The next song started with a fast drum beat and Peridot found herself tapping along even clapping. She wasn't musically inclined but it sounded too good. The guitarist picked up the pace and the bassist complimented her tune. Lapis gave the crowd a small smirk and Peridot caught a wink. She shouted the lyrics. It was shocking and it stunned the crowd into silence. Her voice so filled with raw emotions it was amazing. 

"AWESOME!" somebody yelled breaking the silence and then there were cheers ringing throughout. 

_ "I got guns in my head and they won't go...spirits in my head and they won't go…" _

The song continued reaching its climax. The crowd got more intense pushing and shoving, dancing wildly around her, the drums got faster, louder and then blue eyes locked with hers and Peridot couldn't help but stare. Her movements slowing, all she could see was Lapis. Her slender body moving to the beat, her voice seductive even a bit sexy. It sent jolts through Peridot and goosebumps running down her arms.

_ "And I don't want never-ending life, I just want to be alive while I'm here!" _

The lyrics resonated with her eventually drowning out the chaos around her. Lapis's voice reached into her tugging at her heartstrings. 

When the song ended, there were cheers and the bassist threw a towel into the wild crowd. There were screams from countless girls and chaos erupted. 

Peridot barely registered Amethyst shouting at her excitedly, her voice lost in her dazed state. All she could do was stare at Lapis. Everything vanished when the girl gave her a small smile, shrugging. It was getting hot...too hot. "Shit," Peridot whispered. Lapis's voice echoing faintly in her head. 

** _"But the gun still rattles...the gun still rattles…"_ **

* * *

"Jesus, Lapis what's gotten into you?" Jasper grinned slapping her hard on the back. Her childhood friend was euphoric, she usually was after a good show. 

"LL you were amazing," Rose said jumping onto her wrapping arms around her neck. Lapis shrugged.

"Making up for last week's missed gig," she replied and Jasper frowned. 

"Ok, Lapis we all know you don't give a shit about this but you were on fire today. What's up?"

"I think Lappy mentioned a Peridot," Bismuth teased and Lapis froze. She had seen the shorter girl in the crowd and for a moment, nothing else mattered. She had been so stunned by the girl's appearance that she had even stopped singing. A smile involuntarily broke out and Lapis found herself looking at the smirking faces of her three close friends. 

"What?" She asked, wary about their cheeky expressions. 

"Who's the girl Lapis? I have never seen you this serious before."

"Drop it, Jasper," Lapis sighed as the orange-haired girl laughed. Rose Quartz had her hands clasped together, the slightly taller pink-haired girl had a starry look in her eyes and Lapis backed away when they surrounded her. Bismuth, blocking her escape route. The bulky African American weightlifter not letting her leave. "Look, its nothing, she's just a girl I met a while back."

"It wasn't nothing LL," Rose chimed, "You were practically singing to her."

"Heck Lappy you were staring at her the whole time. You must as well have given her a personal concert."

"Don't be ridiculous, you guys wanted a good show and I gave one." Lapis protested and struggled as they pulled her out from backstage. Ignoring the small crowd that had gathered there, Bismuth and Rose smiling nervously at them. They fought their way through and finally blended into the party floor.

"Where the hell are you taking me!" Lapis protested when they pulled her hoodie over her head, effectively blocking her view. 

They chuckled and then they pushed her. She stumbled falling to her knees, launching a tirade of expletives. A hand reached out to help her and she pulled her hood up. There before her were eyes as green as the forest's nights and she gulped, taking a quick step back. 

"P...peridot," she stuttered uncharacteristically, before turning to glare at her friends who had burst out laughing. 

"Lapis," Peridot whispered, "Is it you?"

There was a blush on the girl's cheeks and somehow Lapis felt her heart beating a little faster. She rubbed the back of her hair, smoothing it down to quell the strange nervousness that was forming. 

"In the flesh, nerd," she answered and Peridot smiled, the joy evident in her expression. Lapis felt her breath catch as Peridot gripped her hands hard. "We meet again," she said, barely containing her excitement. **Cute.**

“Care to introduce your friend to us Lapis?” Jasper's voice broke through and the spell was broken. Peridot leaped back and Lapis suddenly realize that she too was not alone. A shorter slightly plump purple-haired girl was standing beside Peridot, along with a rather prissy looking taller pink-haired girl, who seemed to be gaping at Rose.

“Ooo, you know them do you, Peri! You can’t deny it now. I heard right, she called your name. You know each other! You really know each other!” the purple-haired exclaimed.

“Amy!” Peridot chided and Rose made the first move, walking towards Peridot and her friends. “Yes, they know each other, my name is Rose Quartz, but I guess you already know that.”

“How can we not!” the rather prissy looking girl burst out and then covered her mouth in embarrassment. There was silence for a moment before Bismuth burst out laughing. “Ok, ok, let’s do the introductions the right way,” She held out a hand to Peridot and shook it. “My name is Bismuth, Bismuth Miller.” 

“Peridot,” Peridot said taking her hand, “Peridot Costa.”

“Ooo, an Italian, do you like make good pizza?” Jasper cooed and Lapis elbowed her in the gut. 

“Not really, I can’t cook,” Peridot answered innocently, missing the racist connotation and Jasper chuckled, taking hold of Peridot’s hands shaking it. “My name is Jasper, Jasper Callas.”

“And do you make good Baklava?” Peridot asked, a smirk flirting to her lips. Lapis snorted when Jasper was rendered speechless. Her joke coming back to bite her. “I like this one,” Jasper concluded

“No, Jasper will burn the kitchen down,” Lapis chuckled, taking hold of Peridot’s hand.

“Lapis, Lapis Lazuli,” she formally introduced herself.

“Finally, a name to the owner of this watch,” Peridot answered, showing the BB8 watch that Lapis had given her. 

“You gave her the watch?” Jasper exclaimed and Lapis tensed. 

“Yeah,” she muttered and watched in horror as the mischievous grins her three friends wore grew.

“Oh, this is gold, pure gold,” she heard Jasper whisper and not long after Lapis found herself seated beside Peridot and her friends whom Lapis learned were named Amethyst and Pearl respectively. 

“No way, we go to the same college?” Amethyst exclaimed when Bismuth revealed her study. 

“That’s a really small world, don’t you think Lappy?” Bismuth said, winking at Lapis who gave her a warning glance. “We so happen to live in the dorm down the street. You can pop over if you like.” she continued. 

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Pearl answered, the girl’s gaze not once leaving Rose. It didn’t go unnoticed and very soon Rose was chatting with the girl. 

“Looks like Rose found somebody tonight,” Jasper muttered into her ears and Lapis frowned. “Must everything be about sex with you,” she seethes and Jasper shrugged, reaching for one of the beers. 

"It's not like your any different," Jasper retorted and Lapis sighed. The girl was having one too many drinks and was becoming mean. It was the usual, but Lapis didn't like it. 

“So Peridot,” she called out after taking a swig, “How did you know our Lapis?”

“Yeah, I would like to know too!” Amethyst cut in stopping her conversation with Bismuth. Pearl and Rose were looking at them and she felt Peridot gulped. The girl had been strangely quiet and Lapis realized she was not used to situations such as these. She decided to step in.

“She was working, I was a customer. It’s not what you think.”

“Really? Cause when Peri came home that day, she was raving about some pretty girl-” Amethyst was cut off when Peridot shoved a hand up her mouth.

“It’s...it’s nothing like that…” the girl spluttered and Lapis felt herself blushing too. 

“Pretty girl?” Jasper smirked and Lapis groaned. “Stop it,” she whispered. Peridot was absolutely red now and Lapis felt uncomfortable for her. 

“She offered me a drink and we talked, that’s it,” Lapis explained. 

“So she was just another one of your flings? Like Lisa?” Jasper continued and Lapis snapped. 

She stood up. 

“LL?” she heard Rose whisper and Bismuth reaching out. Jasper was slurping the beer, turned away from her. “You’re a Jerk,” she snapped and walks away not caring about the shocked expressions of her new companions. She could feel the voices starting up again and she shoved a drunkard away, walking quickly through the crowd.

**Why the fuck did she bring that up! Fuck this! The night had been good, why the fuck! **

She knew Jasper could be insensitive and was prone to making nasty comments but she was never prepared. Her feelings were threatening to overwhelm her and she shoved the bathroom doors opened. It was empty and Lapis stormed into a cubicle shutting it, vomiting into it. The vile words swirling in her head making her nauseous. Tears sprung from her eyes and she felt it sliding slowly down her cheeks. It hurt and her chest felt ready to explode. She banged her head against the cubicle doors but the voices continued. She couldn’t breathe and the darkness swirled around her, dragging her down. She collapsed on the bathroom ceramic floors, gasping for air.

**You idiot, control yourself. Get up! **

But she couldn’t…She was drowning and she could do nothing to stop it.

* * *

“What was that Jasper!” Bismuth had shouted. Amethyst, Pearl, and Rose were standing between the two bigger girls trying to stop them. Peridot watched as Lapis vanished into the crowd, the girl did not seem right and the nagging feeling was back. It was the same feeling she felt when she saw Lapis alone in the darkness. Suddenly, it made Peridot afraid. 

She whispered an excuse, not caring if her friends heard her and she chased after the girl. She did not know what she was going to do, but something was telling her to follow. The girl was fast and Peridot found herself struggling to keep up with her. She crashed into a kissing couple who cursed at her and knocked into one of the drunkards who fell over. Soon, she found herself standing outside the bathroom doors. Her heart was pounding and her hands clammy. She was nervous, she did not know what she was supposed to do.

** _Dammit Peridot, just do it. _ **

She pushed the doors open and heard someone gasping for air. Alarmed she proceeded towards the empty cubicles pushing each door opened. They were not locked and soon Peridot found Lapis hunched over, hyperventilating. 

“Lapis? Lapis!” she exclaimed.

The girl did not calm down instead she began to shake and Peridot became desperate. She grabs Lapis by the shoulders pulling her up and was alarmed to find cold sweat breaking out. The girl looked like she was suffocating, the pain in her eyes unbearable. Her hands were so cold. Peridot pulled the girl closer, wrapping arms around her, hugging Lapis tightly. _Was this a panic attack?_ _What should I do?! _Peridot swallowed her panic taking in a deep breath.

“I’m here, Lapis, I’m here, focus on my voice. You got to breathe, I’ll count to ten...just try to focus,” she said, trying to keep calm. She started counting over and over, slowly. The girl’s shaking eventually stopping and she felt a weight resting on her shoulder. 

Lapis was calming down, her breaths becoming less erratic. Soon, the girl was breathing normally. “You ok, what happened?” Peridot whispered. Lapis turned away and Peridot pulled her closer. 

“I’m sorry, that was pretty fucked up," she whispered through clenched teeth, "and I don't want to talk about it." 

Peridot responded by tightening her hold on the girl. “You should head back,” the girl whispered. “I’ll be fine, just-”

“Hey,” Peridot interrupted. “I’m not going back. It’s awkward as hell out there. You're nice but your friends their big and kinda scary...and I don’t fancy leaving you here alone.”

“Kinda scary?” Lapis asked and Peridot chuckled slightly. 

“Yeah, I’m not used to strangers…”

“But I’m a stranger.”

“Yeah, you're the first,” Peridot said and the girl paused. “Just so you know I consider you my friend,” Peridot added quickly, a little flustered. 

“That’s really dorky,” Lapis laughed softly into her shoulder and Peridot frowned. 

“I’m a nerd what do you expect?”

“I never said it was a bad thing.” 

The girl had stopped shaking and Peridot released her for a bit, about to let go but the girl reached out, wrapping her arms around her midsection and she gasped. 

“Stay...for a while,” Lapis muttered and then it was warm...so warm. Peridot fell back leaning on the cubicle walls, dazed. They remained that way for a long time, Lapis's face buried in her shoulder, Peridot’s heart beating just a little faster. 

“You're the first too,” Lapis answered, “And I consider you my friend.”

“Hey, don’t repeat what I say, it’s embarrassing.”

“Ha, but you still said it.”

“Yeah, I just-” Peridot spluttered and the girl chuckled, pulling away. Blue eyes gazing at hers and Peridot had the urge to pull her in again. Lapis settled next to her, sitting cross-legged, her hands wrapped around hers. 

“I can’t believe I’m spending the party in the bathroom,” she said, leaning back onto the cubicle walls. 

“Does this happen often? This is my first party I wouldn’t know.”

“Your first party?”

“Yeah, is that weird?”

“Nah, now that you’ve said it, I can’t picture you in any kind of party situation. You can’t dance can’t you?” she teased and Peridot pouted.

“I can too!” 

“Oh yeah, you were doing some cute clapping crab dance while I was performing weren’t you?” 

“That- that was just phase one!” Peridot protested. 

Lapis laughed, “What’s phase two then?”

“You- I- ok, so I can’t dance you happy now.”

“I can teach you.”

“What?”

“I can teach you.” Lapis continued, she stood up and held a hand out, the moonlight drifting in from the small opening above her casting her in ethereal silver light. “Come on, spending your first party in the bathroom would be pretty lame.”

Peridot gulped and slowly reached out grabbing hold of Lapis’s hand. They bounded out of the bathroom into the dance floor. It was late and the crowd was dispersing slightly, drunk college kids laid on the ground groaning. A slow song was playing over the intercom and Lapis took the lead. Peridot felt an arm wrapping around the small of her back and another placed on her shoulder. 

“Just follow my lead,” Lapis said and Peridot found herself swaying gently to the slow beat. She stumbled at first, stepping on Lapis’s feet.

‘Sorry, oh my god, did that hurt?”

“Relax Peridot,” Lapis whispered into her ear sending shivers down the back of her spine. Soon, she was getting the hang of it, her steps becoming more fluid.

“I’m doing it!” she exclaimed, “Lapis, I’m doing it!”

She looked up and found Lapis smiling at her, crystal blue eyes as bright as stars, dimples on her cheeks. ** _Fuck, she's beautiful_ ** _ . _ Words died in her lips and she allowed Lapis to lead her. They dance for some time after that and when the songs ended they pulled away from each other, Lapis releasing her. 

“See, phase two,” Lapis answered, sticking out her tongue cheekily and Peridot sighed.

“Yeah, yeah, phase two.”

She frowned before smiling, bounding over to the girl giving her a quick hug. “Thank you,” she said. The girl tensed and Peridot spotted pain. She wanted to reach out, wanted to comfort the girl but Lapis had pulled away, the hurt behind heavy leaden eyes disappearing almost immediately, replaced with a crooked grin. 

“You're welcome.”

“That was good, wasn’t that good guys, all according to plan,” a rough voice broke through and Peridot once again found herself staring at orange eyes. Jasper, the girl who had said those nasty things was standing behind her, drunk and slurring. She was held up by a seething Bismuth and a slightly flustered Rose, who was bowing apologetically to Pearl and Amethyst. Peridot shrunk back as they approach and Lapis stood in front of her. 

“What do you want,” the girl asked, her voice harsh. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Jasper slurred, bounding forward and Lapis caught her, The girl's nose wrinkling from the alcoholic stench, sighing deeply. 

“How many beers did she have?” Lapis asked.

“Thirteen,” Pearl replied, the girl giving Lapis a worried glance. “I’m sorry, Amethyst challenged her to a duel after you left, to lighten the...mood. We took it too far.”

“It’s not your fault Pearl,” Rose said, “Besides you were awesome you drank twenty and you’re still standing. I have much respect for you.” 

Peridot watched as Pearl gushed. _ Pearl’s crush, huh… _Peridot would ask about it later. 

“Ok, I guess it’s time to head home. Sorry about today guys, we’ll make it up to you.” Bismuth said when Jasper began to stumble. She took ahold of the orange-haired roughly, pulling her off Lapis. 

“Nice meeting you Peridot, thanks for everything.” Peridot smiled cautiously as the girl gave her a handshake before she dragged the drunk girl out of the barn. 

“I guess that’s my cue to leave,” Lapis muttered, she was about to when Peridot caught her hand, squeezing it tightly. 

“Y...your number. I never got your number!” she spluttered. 

The girl paused and Peridot watched as an easy smile broke out across her lips. “You’re moving too fast,” she teased and Peridot blushed. The girl got ahold of her phone and keyed in her number. “Give me a call, I’ll save it.” Peridot couldn’t believe it. Not only had she gotten a name, but she had also met the girl again, spent the night dancing with her and even gotten her number. The day was getting better and better. 

“Peridot,” Lapis leaned forward, “Thanks.”

And then she was gone, Peridot was giddy with joy and she pumped her fist into the air doing a silent victory dance.

“Is that phase three?” Amethyst's voice interrupted. She turned and found the mischievous expressions on both Pearl and Amethyst’s faces. 

“Wait, what! How did you know?”

“We heard,” Ruby said, appearing suddenly chewing on a sausage. 

“We saw,” Sapphire continued, arms wrapped around her girlfriend.

“And we ambushed you.” Amethyst chuckled.

"I tried to stop them…" Pearl muttered apologetically. 

“Oh for fucks sake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. This would be the second chapter. I hope you enjoy it :) Again pardon my awkward writing, I'll try to improve and edit along the way. 
> 
> Songs Referenced in this chapter (good songs deserve mentions :D):  
Electric Love-BORNS  
Spirits-The Strumbellas


	3. Dreams and Days gone by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot and Lapis get to know each other. Also, Godzilla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Let's take a walk. You can show me some of your memories and I'll show you some of mine.” -Adam Berlin

**Chapter 3**

**Dreams and Days gone by**

"Lapis stop looking at the phone and focus!" Jasper shouted and Lapis ignored the raging bassist. They were in the garage located in the small shabby house which was their dorm. It was the cheapest and furthest away from the college. Maintenance was not done to upkeep the place and it seemed more like a dump than an actual house. They were lucky to have Bismuth who was a whizz at anything DIY. The first year they were here they spent most of their free time fixing the house up. Soon they had running water and the rotten floorboards were changed out for new ones. The renter of the place, a middle-aged woman called Vidalia had been utterly grateful for their help and had given them a discount, making the already cheap rent, cheaper. 

They got free reign of the house after that and Jasper turned the derelict garage into a practice room. Ever since she could remember, Jasper had always wanted to make her own music, it finally happened when they met Rose and Bismuth in middle school. It's been six years and they were still together. Jasper playing bass, Rose on the guitars and Bismuth the drums. Lapis joined sometimes when she felt like it. She was their back up vocals when Rose did not want to sing. Jasper called them the Homeworlds, and they were starting to gain a little popularity around the local music scene. 

"Lapis don't make me go there!"

"She's probably talking to Adorabledork," Bismuth teased grinning as Lapis snapped the phone shut. It's been four weeks after the fateful party and her three annoying friends would not stop with the teasing.

"I love the name you gave her LL," Rose said chuckling. 

"She must be quite special, she's the only one with the nickname." Bismuth continued. "Heck, Lappy knows us for years and we're still our given names on her contact list."

"If you want me to change it, I can," Lapis snapped, "And it'll be Jerk One, Two and Three respectively."

Her friends broke out laughing before Jasper handed her the mike. "Ok hit it, Romeo, we've got one more song to practice."

"We're just friends Jasper!"

"Sure, sure, now sing!"

Lapis grumbled as the music started and she sang. She was distracted though, her thoughts going back to the messages AdorableDork had sent her earlier and she smiled. 

**Lapis: ** _ another cat video? _

**Adorabledork: ** _ trust me this one is good. _

**Lapis: ** _ so you mean the ones you sent before were shit? _

**Adorabledork: ** _ noooo, they were good but this one is more...more gooder. _

**Lapis: ** _ it must be, you just threw grammar out of this chat. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ you'll see _

**Lapis: ** _ ok miss gooder, I'll take a look at it. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ hey! _

The video that preceded after that was a bigger cat pushing a smaller cat down the stairwell. It had been so sudden that Lapis couldn't help it, she laughed, snorting a little. 

**Lapis: ** _ ok that is funny. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ what did I say _

**Lapis: ** _ it was gooder. _

**Adorabledork: 😫**

Lapis enjoyed talking to the girl and the more she talked, the more the girl intrigued her. There were so many layers to Peridot that Lapis wanted to know. She was incredibly smart, able to recite mathematical formulas at the top of her head, once even going as far as to break down Quantum Physics in the group chat, Amethyst had created. It had appeared one day on her message feed and from then on, Lapis gained five new friends. The chat did not end well and Pearl had to do damage control. 

The girl could also be incredibly clumsy. One time sending pictures of naked women through the group feed. Lapis was stunned at first but as the chaos unfolded it became hilarious.

**Pearl: ** _ Peridot, we need to talk. This is not the time or place! _

**Adorabledork:** _fUCKING SHIT_

**Jasper: ** _ whoa whoa, these are really risky pictures Peridot, your source. _

**Amethyst: ** _ ahahahahaha _

**Adorabledork: ** _ Stop laughing you jerk, you were the one that sent me these pictures! Fuck you! _

**Amethyst: ** _ I never asked you to keep them ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) _

**Bismuth: ** _ ok, I’m not even going to ask. _

**Sapphire: ** _ i saw this coming, but not from Peridot. This is...surprising. _

**Ruby: ** _ she had big tits...all of them have big tits. _

**Rose: ** _ it’s always the quiet ones. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ IT WAS AMETHYST! _

**Lapis: ** _ good job :D _

**Adorabledork: ** _ not you too! _

The day ended with Peridot blocking all their numbers and for three days after that, she had kept radio silence. Lapis responded by calling the girl and found her later in the library, sheepishly pouring through her physics notes. The girl had been thoroughly embarrassed and didn’t take too kindly to the teasing. It was cute though and Lapis made it up to her by treating her to ice cream. 

“Hmm...never pictured you as a rum and raisin type of person,” Lapis said when Peridot licked her ice cream furiously, trying to keep it on the cone. 

"And what sort of person do you picture me as?"

"I don't know...chocolate chip maybe?"

"Those are for babies," Peridot replied.

"Exactly."

"Hey!" 

Lapis watched amused as some of the ice cream dribbled down the cone, spilling on the girl’s usual black alien hoodie. She reached out with a tissue paper rubbing away the mess. Her hands brushing against soft skin and she felt Peridot tensed, the girl’s lightly freckled cheeks turning tomato red. Innocent emerald green eyes peeking at her bashfully behind her reflective glasses, biting her luscious lips, licking it involuntarily. Lapis pulled back immediately, the urge to hold the girl becoming too much and she turned away. ** _Shit…_ **

“You eat like a child,” she teased and the girl spluttered. 

“I do not!”

“You are dripping everywhere Peridot,” Lapis laughed and the girl folded her arms, effectively dropping the ice cream and she shrieked. Lapis doubling over, buying her another one later in a cup. Peridot dipping the spoon into the dessert grumbling about the mishap. 

The days past and the more Lapis talked to Peridot, the more she got to know the girl. She was comfortable with the little dweeb and found herself thinking about Peridot for most nights. The girl’s blonde hair, her sparkling green eyes hidden under those dorky glasses. Her loud but awkward laughs and that kindness no one else in her life seemed to possess.

**Adorabledork: ** _ Hey, you awake? _

The message came once in the middle of one, particularly bad night. Lapis was having her usual break down and sat huddled in her closet, trying to keep herself together. She had clung to the phone like it was a lifeline and struggled to make a reply.

**Lapis: ** _ yeah, why? _

**Adorabledork: ** _ I can’t stop thinking about something… _

**Lapis: ** _ you never stop thinking P-dot. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ true, but this is important. I need to get it off my chest. _

**Lapis: ** _ must be really important. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ it is, the fate of the world rest upon it, Amethyst called me crazy, but i trust you would feel its importance. _

**Lapis: ** _ ok what is it _

**Adorabledork: ** _ is Link a girl? _

The voices in her head vanished and Lapis sighed, placing her chin on her knees, smiling slightly. That idiot. 

**Lapis: ** _ we already went through this Peridot, just because someone looks like a girl doesn’t mean they are one. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ ok but here’s the thing… _

Peridot ranted on, her messages filled with pictorial evidence or what she called it and Lapis had answered. The panic she had felt earlier slowly vanishing and she could think again. She fell asleep halfway through the discussion and when she woke, found Peridot’s last messages.

**Adorabledork: ** _ hey you there? Lapis? _

**Adorabledork: ** _ are you sleeping? Oui, Earth to Lapis? _

**Adorabledork: ** _ Lapis? Lapis Lazuli? huh...I just realized it’s a rock. You’re a rock, not a gem. That’s pretty cool. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ Lapis, ok, you’re asleep. Good night, my friend. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ oh...also...would you like to watch camp pining hearts with me? Like maybe...a sleepover? _   
  


Lapis had chuckled, replied with a yes and then found herself standing outside a prim proper looking house. Peridot inviting her in, leading her up some wooden steps. 

“Ok, even I don’t go that far,” Lapis commented when she walked into Peridot’s room. There were pictures and posters of different game characters on the wall. Figurines of game characters lined a bookshelf next to the wall. It was what she expected but teasing Peridot was worth it.

“Yeah, yeah mock the nerd,” Peridot mumbled, “when you’re just as nerdy.”

“I take fine arts, P-dot,” Lapis replied, “I have more class.”

“Class?! Lapis you're wearing a hoodie and ripped jeans.”

“Your point?”

Peridot gaped at her and Lapis chuckled settling down on the faded beanbag buried under a pile of clothes. “Wouldn’t Pearl get an aneurysm?” Lapis pointed to the mess.

“She tried to clean it, I flipped out when she threw my Godzilla collection out. She never tried again.”

“Godzilla...collection.”

Peridot caught the excitement that Lapis failed to hide and she smirked. “Yeah, Godzilla. I thought you had ‘class’.”

“Ok, you caught me, I like big Monsters, now show me!”

Peridot grinned widely, strutting over to a locked closet and pulling it open. Lapis gasped. 

“Ghidorah, you have the original Ghidorah!” 

“Yes, all three headed and in full glory.” 

“Peridot…”

“Yes?”

“You're insane.”

They spent an hour after that going through the collection. Peridot showing Lapis the latest Godzilla from the movie. They had compared their favorites and both concluded that the cartoon remake had been shit. 

“But why Rodan, not Mothra?” Lapis asked.

“Did you see what Rodan did to the city in the movie. He destroyed literally everything.”

“Ok, so death and destruction, your thing.”

“It’s everybody's thing!”

Lapis chuckled. "Can’t disagree.”

Peridot fell silent as she picked up the rather expensive figurine of Godzilla. "You know...I have a question."

"It'll better not be one of the stupid ones." 

"I never ask stupid questions."

Lapis raised her eyebrow and Peridot pouted. "Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted," she glared at Lapis who giggled, "I've always wondered how Godzilla was able to stand upright in the middle of the ocean in the 2019 remake?" 

Silence ensued and Lapis gasps. 

"Ha, you just realized it didn't you!"

"Peridot what the hell, you just made an epic scene...well...stupid!"

"It's still a valid question."

"Now it's stuck in my head." 

"Maybe his paddling his feet furiously underneath?" Peridot suggested. 

The thought alone was enough to send both girls into uncontrollable fits and they spent the next couple of hours discussing the intricacies of Godzilla's many movements. Lapis's particular favorite was a Godzilla running and tripping in the 1964 version. 

It was late when Peridot finally popped the disc of camp pining hearts into the DVD player. Lapis couldn’t quite believe she had spent half a day having a conversation with a girl about giant fictional monsters. 

“You’re going to love this!” Peridot grinned. Somehow seeing the passionate glow in Peridot’s face, Lapis believed her.

An episode turned into two and then three. The catchy 90s tune and the simple-minded but interesting characters making the drama series a catch. She watched as Peridot sung along to the opening the fifth time it came on. Watched as the girl silently lip-sync some of the lines when she thought no one was watching. Lapis enjoying it, leaning back into the bean bags closing her eyes.

It was warm and good. Settled in this tiny messy room with Peridot, Lapis felt at peace for the first time in her life. 

There was no turning back after that. Lapis came over more often, watching camp pining hearts with Peridot whenever she could. Sleeping over sometimes and waking up bathed in the orange sunlight that flitted in through the open windows. Peridot’s head often resting on her shoulders. The shirts came first and then the figurines. Lapis helping Peridot display the life-sized cut out of Percy at the corner of the room.

“I don’t know how you charmed the guy to give this to you,” Peridot said, looking at the cut out in awe. 

“I’m a natural flirt I guess,” Lapis answered, flicking Peridot's forehead gently and she chuckled when the girl blushed. 

Camp Pining Hearts became their thing and Amethyst had called them crazy. The girl joining in sometimes during their marathon. Jasper, Bismuth, and Rose noticed too and very soon they were teasing her non-stop. It was frankly a pain but Lapis found that she didn’t mind. 

The song ended and Lapis placed the microphone down, her phone vibrating in her pockets and she flipped it open, smiling slightly.

“Practice is over isn’t it?” she asked.

“Aye, aye, go, go, “ Jasper snorted.

“Say hi to the Adorabledork for me, Lappy,” Bismuth called out as Rose made kissing noises. 

Lapis gave them a finger before bounding out of the garage. The teasing though soon forgotten, Peridot had invited her over and that was all that mattered.

* * *

“Come on Peridot, fess up!” Amethyst whined, her arms wrung around Peridot’s neck. 

“Let me go you, big buffoon!” Peridot protested, her face completely red from the interrogation that Amethyst was giving her. 

“You like her don’t you! I’ve seen the way you look at her. This is the first time I’ve seen you so invested in someone. Come onnnnn….”

“Amy, would you give it a rest. For the hundredth time, I already told you Lapis and I are nothing like that! We’re just friends!” 

“Bullshit, you and I are just friends. What you have with Lapis is different. It’s been years Peridot, you gotta move on-”

“Shut up,” Peridot whispered, pushing Amethyst away, and the girl went silent. “Never,” she seethes, ‘Bring it up again.”

“Peri-” Amethyst started but Peridot would not hear any of it. She bounded up the stairs into her room, slamming it shut. She thought she had buried it beneath her, she wanted to forget about it, but sometimes it surfaced like a raging dragon. Peridot gave a yell and threw her heavy books on the ground in anger before stomping on her clothes a few times before falling back onto her bed, panting. And this was why her room was always in a mess. 

The hurt was still there and she swallowed it. She needed to feel better but she didn’t know where to direct this anger too. It had always been there, seething quietly under her skin. She knew she should do something about it, but it seemed stupid and she was afraid. Afraid of the judgment others would have. So she kept it, locked under chains, burying it deep inside her. 

There was a knock on her door and Peridot ignored it.

“Peridot, I know you're in there,” Sapphire’s voice flitted through and Peridot sighed. 

“I’m fine, Sapphy,” she answered, “I just need some time alone.”

“Ok,” the older girl said, “But I’m here if you need to talk. We’re all here.”

“Yeah,” Peridot whispered. There was a loud ding coming from her computer and Peridot smiled slightly. 

**xXXXXXXXx: ** _ you ready for the raid P-dot? _

Peridot walked over to the computer sitting down and pulling the headphones over. Ever since their first raid together, playing games with Lapis had become a constant. When Lapis was free and Peridot didn't have her job or studies they would play together. 

**Magnus: ** _ I still can’t get over your gamer tag. _

**xXXXXXXXx: ** _ well i’m not here to make friends. _

**Magnus: ** _ it’s still a pain to type in chat _

**xXXXXXXXx: ** _ that’s the point, hopping over to discord. _

A moment later, Lapis's voice coming through her headphones. “Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3,” she joked and Peridot chuckled.

“You sound fine Lapis.”

“Well, the last time we talked you said I sounded like shit,” Lapis replied. 

“Lapis, you were using headphones from a bygone era, your voice was breaking up every few seconds and it made you sound like a man.”

“It still worked.”

“Yes, but isn’t this better.” 

“Admittedly it is,” Lapis said and Peridot heard the girl tapping the newly bought gaming headphones that she had recommended.

“So ready for the raid, or do you need to get a few more potions?” Lapis asked, sending a party invite to her which Peridot accepted. On the screen, a rather fat cat-like creature appeared beside her, dressed in a white dress. “Ok, Lapis, that is the ugliest character I have ever seen.”

“Don’t hurt his feelings, Magnus. Mr. Puss in boots doesn’t like being called ugly.”

“Do you purposely make them ugly, or is your taste just bad,” Peridot asked and Lapis snorted. 

“What do you think?”

Peridot chuckled, watching as the fat cat-like creature started to dance. It looked horrible but somehow it made her feel better. Soon they were in the dungeon and Peridot was sneaking through the traps. Her character a rather tiny wood elf. She went invisible to disable the traps while Lapis's tank stayed behind to hold off the horde of enemies. 

“Might want to get back here P-dot,” Lapis said through the clicking of her mouse. “These damage dealers are doing nothing.”

“Lapis, patienceeee…”

Soon, they were running towards the main boss, Lapis having alerted the horde just to spite the gamers who were calling her a lousy fat ugly tank. 

“This would have been easier if you just stuck to the plan!”

“What plan? We never have a plan.”

“Yeah- but- ok never mind.”

They reached the boss room and Lapis shut the doors behind, leaving the two DPS to fend for themselves outside. “Evil Lapis, real evil.”

“Hey, they called me shit, a tooth for a tooth. Besides, I can tank him and you do damage, you’re better than any of them anyway.” 

“Yeah, but still, I wanted to relax.”

“Not experience the thrill of almost dying.”

“Their raging in the chat Lapis.”

**Gameboy222: xXxxxxx you fucking asshole.**

**WTFFTW: xxxXXXx get your butt out here! Fight me!**

** _xXXXXXXXx: You talking to me?_ **

** _WTFFTW: who else you fucktard_ **

** _xXXXXXXXx: First of all, its xXXXXXXXx and second, never piss off the tank. _ **

**Gameboy222: FUCK YOU!**

Peridot chuckled at Lapis's answer.

“I see why you picked that name.”

“It makes for hilarious conversations,” Lapis replied and they charged towards the boss. Lapis despite being a lazy tank was pretty good when she wanted to be, putting out as many shields and kiting as many hordes as she possibly could. She had a way of positioning herself at the correct places and it made doing damage much easier. 

Peridot went for the kill and when they were done, Lapis picked up all the loot, sharing half with Peridot, not leaving any for the two who were still struggling behind the door. 

“Your an asshole Lapis.” Peridot said as they left the dungeon, a badly dressed fat cat with a short wood elf adorn in an array of very expensive armor. 

“Hey, it’s a game, I’m allowed to be a jerk.”

They played for a couple of hours after that, the anger Peridot had been holding dissipating. When she finally logged out for the night, Peridot felt better. Lapis always had that effect on her. She placed a hand over her chest, her heart beating just a little faster. 

Lapis was an enigma, somebody that Peridot actually felt comfortable with. The girl was wild and feisty, looked like a gangster but despite that was quite a big nerd. She smoked, hung out with the cool-looking people but still was gentle and plenty kind. The more they hung out, the more she discovered faucets of Lapis's character.

Lapis adores art, often sharing paintings and drawings with Peridot over the phone. She liked Autumn more than Spring. Listened to a wide range of music that Peridot, despite listening to only digital rock, found herself liking after being recommended. Lapis was like a Rubix cube and every time Peridot thought she solved it, there was always something new.

Peridot had not met anyone like Lapis who always seemed willing to listen to her strange ideas, who entertained them and sometimes joined in. She never met anyone who would join her in her camp pining hearts marathon, who would laugh at the jokes she sent over the phone, or would approach her on their own accord. 

Lapis both excites and grounded her at the same time. Peridot often finding herself staying up late to talk to the girl. She liked making the girl laugh. Lapis’s laughter consisted of a unique combination of snorts and chuckles. It was nice. Their conversations flowing easily, Peridot never wanting it to end.

_ Maybe Amethyst was right _.

Peridot shook the thought out of her head, crashing into bed, curling in on herself. It was too good to be true, nobody would want her.

Just as she was about to fall asleep there was a knock on her window. Peridot frowned as the knock happened again. Somebody was throwing small pebbles and it hit the glass a few more times. 

Neighborhood kids? 

Peridot walked towards the window and flung it open, narrowly missing a small pebble. “What the hell!” she shouted about to give some kids a piece of her mind when she heard a familiar chuckle. Her heart stopped and she found herself staring at Lapis, dressed in her usual black hoodie, red scarf and blue snowcap carrying a small black knapsack. She was standing out in the cold, the fluorescent lamp above her casting a white beam onto the sidewalk, lighting up the white snow around her. It was almost blinding and Peridot had to blink a few times to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. 

“Let’s go,” Lapis shouted.

“What? Where?”

“Get your arse out here P-dot,” Lapis said, “You have 5 seconds.”

“That’s impossible Lapis!”

“I’m counting.”

“Argh, ok wait!”

She grabs the red coat hanging by her door and bounded down the stairs, narrowly crashing into Ruby. 

“Oh, going out?” the older girl asked, smirking.

“Yeah,” Peridot said, barely hiding the grin on her face. She reached the living room, finding Amethyst and Pearl watching a rather boring documentary about birds. 

“I’ll be back soon!” she called out.

“Enjoy yourself,” Amethyst replied and Peridot paused.

“Wait, what...how did you-”

Amethyst chuckled, walking over to her pushing her out. “You're not the only one talking to her Peri.” 

“Stay safe!” Pearl called out as the doors closed behind her and Peridot gaped before turning slowly to the girl standing in the snow.

“You’re 30 seconds late.”

“The end of the world apparently,” Peridot retorted and the girl chuckled, walking over. Snow piling on her cap, her cheeks tinged slightly red. Peridot gulped when azure eyes stared at hers. 

“Where are we going?”

Lapis did not give her an answer instead signaled for her to follow. Their shoes making tracks as they trudge through the snow towards the bus stop.

“Wait, we’re going towards town?”

“Yeah, got a place I want to show you.”

“I didn’t bring my wallet!”

“Don’t worry I’ll pay.”

“But-”

She gasped, as Lapis held a finger up to her lips silencing her. “I’ll pay.”

The bus arrived and they boarded it, Lapis picking seats at the back. “Where are we going Lapis? Stop with this secretive crap.”

“And lose my mysterious charm?” Lapis smirked.

“What mysterious charm?” Peridot spluttered. Lapis flicks her forehead and Peridot protested. Before long the bus was chugging along frosted roads and Lapis was fumbling with the knapsack she was carrying. After a while, she pulled out an object and in her hands was a short black wire with two jacks at its end connecting to one main cable. “What’s that?”

“You don’t know? And I thought you were an electronic geek.”

“Just tell me.”

“A headphone splitter, it allows for two people to listen to music at the same time.”

“At the same time?”

“Yeah like this.”

Peridot yelped when Lapis placed a headphone over her head, her hands gently adjusting it. Lapis gave her a wink and plug the splitter into her phone, putting on headphones of her own. Music flitted through and it had a rather catchy melody that Peridot found she liked.

‘Who are they?” she asked. 

Lapis gasped, “You never heard of the Beatles?” 

“Some sort of bug?”

“Oh...oh no…”

“Stop being dramatic, tell me.”

“Only the greatest band in the world...well apart from Queen.”

“Queen?”

“Oh no.”

“Bohemian Rhapsody, we will rock you...no?”

“I’m not a musical person Lapis!’ Peridot snapped.

“No, you live under a rock! A huge one.”

“Are you going to tell me who they are, or are you going to continue this dramatic tirade.”

“Unacceptable, I’m going to educate you.”

The bus ride after was filled with Lapis talking about John Lennons and Freddie Mercuries. It was weird for Lapis to be so passionate, usually, it was the other way round but Peridot didn’t mind it. She was discovering another side to Lapis. By the time she heard the song, _ Yesterday _, she was hooked, even humming the tune softly under her breath.

“You're out of tune,” Lapis teased and Peridot folded her arms in protest.

They reached their destination an hour later and exited the bus into a bustling city filled with bright lights, flashing television screens and tall high rise buildings. Empire City, the city that never sleeps. Peridot was familiar with the digital shops that lined the city’s many side pavements and she made the trip once every week. She didn’t know what they were doing here but she followed Lapis who seemed to know her way well.

With the headphones on and Queen’s _ We Are the Champions _ playing in the background. Somehow walking the streets with music playing in the background made everything brighter and Peridot found herself engulfed in the lyrics. Lapis lead them to a back alley where a cafe stood. Peridot flinging the doors open and it slammed on its hinges scaring a few customers when the chorus came up. Lapis pretending to strum an imaginary guitar and Peridot bouncing to the beat. They entered the cafe, the barista raising an eyebrow at their antics and they laughed. Lapis later paying for Peridot’s single-shot latte and her own green tea latte. They got it to go and then continued their walk. 

“Lapis,” Peridot panted a while later, collapsing onto the railing of the long row of staircase they were walking on. They were in a park, the stairwell lighted up by some street lamps and surrounded by oakwood trees covered in soft falling snow. She had thought the girl was joking when she said they were going on a long hike.

“How much longer!?”

“A few more minutes, promise it’ll be worth it.”

Peridot groaned and the girl chuckled picking her up, dragging her along. When they finally made it up the stairs, Peridot had sunk to the ground, hyperventilating, cursing at her unfit body. Lapis bent down, bopping her lightly on her forehead, giving her the cup of latte she had bought earlier.

“We’re here,” she said pulling the headphones away, doing the same for Peridot, putting them away in her knapsack. She signaled for Peridot to follow her and Peridot groaned. “We’re walking more?!” she protested and Lapis pointed to the bench located at the edge of the small park they found themselves in. 

“No, the hike ends here.”

Peridot walked towards the bench and then gasped. Below her was empire city, brightly lighted up in its full glory. The cars and buildings looking like miniature toys from where they stood. The lights shining like diamonds, it was dazzling. 

“Wow!” Peridot exclaimed.

“Makes you feel like Godzilla, doesn’t it,” Lapis jokes, sitting beside her, pulling out a speaker from her knapsack attaching it to her phone. Soon, Queen’s _ Love of My Life _ playing through, filling the park with music. Lapis picking up her cup and sipping from it. 

“This is amazing Lapis,” Peridot exclaim, still in awe by the sight before her. “How did you find this?”

Lapis paused, giving Peridot a wry smile. “I used to come here with my sister,” she started, “She was the one that found it.”

“Oh, sister?”

"Yeah," Lapis answered. The sadness and pain she sometimes saw in Lapis’s eyes was there again, lingering just at the edge. She wanted to reach out but as usual, it disappeared as soon as Lapis leaned back into the seat.

“She passed away seven years ago,” Lapis continued and Peridot fell silent, glancing carefully at the girl beside her. 

“It was a long time ago, besides she wouldn’t want me to brood about it,” Lapis continued. Peridot had no idea why Lapis was sharing this with her but she was kind of glad. 

“She must have been wonderful,” Peridot whispered, “After all she found this place.”

“More of a pain actually,” Lapis chuckled. 

“Like Amethyst?”

“Even worse.”

“Oh, I can’t imagine that,” Peridot shivered. 

“She was like dynamite,” Lapis described, “But yeah, she was fun.”

And they talked about the weather, about college, about the professors they liked and hated.

“Why did you take Mathematics, seems dry?” Lapis asked and Peridot frowned. 

“It isn’t dry, it’s wonderful.”

“Really, how so? All I see are numbers.”

“And all I see are possibilities,” Peridot said, “Everything around us is maths, we’re all made out of tiny atoms that speak in code! And that code is mathematics!” 

“Ok tiger, I get it, you really love mathematics.”

Peridot chuckled, “It wasn’t always the case. I used to loathe it. I was always failing it in grade school, the teacher used to call me a lost cause.”

Lapis raised an eyebrow, “I can’t picture that.”

“I wasn't interested so I didn't study, failing left and right, but one day the school brought us to some Science Exhibition and then before me stood a large blackboard with these strange symbols. There had been an old man there and he was just putting these numbers down with chalk like they were nothing.” 

Peridot smiled fondly at the memory. “I had asked him what it was and he told me to figure it out myself.”

“Sounds like a friendly man.”

“He wasn’t, probably annoyed that a kid had interrupted his train of thought, but it intrigued me. So, I went back home, bought myself a blackboard and some chalk and began writing rubbish on it. It took me a while to figure out what Pi and fractions were but when I did finally get it, it opened up a whole new world I never knew. I aced my test brought home a prize in a science exhibition and started experimenting.”

"Peridot, you're like a mini Einstein, you even look like him," Lapis chortled, and Peridot frowned. 

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"What sort of experiments?" Lapis asked and Peridot smirked. 

"The kind where bottles explode and fires start."

"I'm guessing it didn't go down too well with your folks."

“Mom went ballistic, I made a mess. She banned me from using the kitchen after the explosion I caused with the gas stove. She supported me though, transformed the basement into a laboratory and gave me one of her chemistry sets...she was a professor in college. Dad...dad was ecstatic and bought me a book about Quantum Physics...there was no going back after that.”

“Nice folks,” Lapis commented and Peridot grinned. “The best,” she said. “You’ll have to meet them sometime, Mom makes the best pizzas and Dad has the most extensive Ultraman collection.”

"Nerd parents, Nerd kids," Lapis teased. 

"Hey!"

"Relax, my dad," Lapis paused, Peridot noticing the girl catching herself, before she continued, "has one too, a really cool Gundam collection. Drives Mae mad though, says we're spending too much money on rubbish." 

"Women they don't get it," Peridot sighed, choosing not to comment on Lapis's strained hesitation when she talked about her father.

"What are we then? Hotdogs?"

"Aliens maybe," Peridot shrugged and they sniggered. 

"What about you, why fine arts?"

Lapis paused, rubbing her head sheepishly. "It's kinda cheesy."

"Nothing is."

"Well...there was this teacher," Lapis continued, a cheeky glint in her eye, "In middle school. I was fourteen at the time and you know raging hormones and stuff."

"The teacher taught arts and she was like the hottest person I ever met. She liked wearing skin-tight dresses to school and had the biggest boo- chest I have ever seen. All the guys had huge crushes on her, I was no exception...being gay and all."

"Lapis…"

"I joined arts to see if the teachers in it were just as hot." 

"You've got to be kidding me!" Peridot exclaimed.

"Nah, I'm fucking with you," Lapis chuckled, pulling out a cigarette lighting it. Peridot watched as the girl breathed out the smoke and turned, her gaze holding certain melancholy. 

"Pai used to bring Mal and I to the art museum downtown," She said, "We weren't well to do then, however, our parents were adamant that Mal and I got a good childhood."

"Mal?" Peridot asked and Lapis sighed, pulling her knees to her chest, leaning her chin on her shins. "My sister," she answered. "She was the artist often drawing any time she got. She loved the museum, wanted to go every chance we got. My parents obliged." 

"I guess it was their way of making up to her," Lapis continued, "She was born with a weak heart, doctors said she didn't have much time to live."

It was then that Peridot noticed Lapis was shaking slightly and she reached out taking a hold of the girl's cold hands, squeezing it gently. 

"I'm sorry, this is such a depressing subject, I'll stop," Lapis whispered, laughing softly without humor. She tried to pull away but Peridot held on tighter. 

"Hey, I don't mind," Peridot said, giving Lapis a slight nudge. "In fact, I want to know more." There was silence. Blue eyes staring into hers, Lapis turning away. For a moment, Peridot panicked. _ Have I said something wrong? Idiot, you should have shut up! _

However, Lapis's hands tightened over her own and she found the girl smiling gently. "Idiot," she whispered. 

"Why?" Peridot asked frowning at the insult.

Lapis did not answer, instead continued. "Well, Mal's interest in the arts infected me I guess. I wasn't much of an artist but I did like looking at it. Mal encouraged me to draw and I did...and I fell in love with it."

"You never showed me your drawings," Peridot interrupted and the girl shrugged. "It's too big to bring out. I keep it at the dorm."

"Big?"

"Yeah like 9 feet," Lapis said casually before laughing at Peridot's shocked expression. 

"I want to see them," Peridot concluded after collecting her composure. 

"It's not that great."

"I want to."

"You could pop by the dorm if you want. I'm sure Jasper, Bismuth, and Rose would kill to spend time alone with you." And Peridot winced. 

"On second thought, could you just take a photo of your art piece and send it to me."

"Their not monsters you know," Lapis chuckled and Peridot sighed. "I know but their so..so…"

"Pushy, annoying, jerks, sons of bitches?" Lapis continued and Peridot gaped. 

"I didn't say that!"

"It's written all over your face," Lapis said. 

"I was not!"

"Prove it."

"That is impossible," Peridot snapped. 

"You could come over, hang around," Lapis said smirking. 

"Fine, I'll do that!" She muttered, regretting her decision almost immediately, but she held it in. 

"It'll be worth it though, I'll get to see your artwork," Peridot continued and she was surprised when a faint blush appeared on Lapis's cheeks. It had only been for a second but she caught it. "You're embarrassed," Peridot teased leaning closer towards the girl who folded her arms, smoking the cigarette stick a little too vigorously. 

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"Look," Lapis sighed, "It's not that great. I just did a mural on Monet's works and put them together. You're making it a big deal."

"Because you painted it Lapis, it's a big deal, at least to me...and who is this Monet?"

Lapis paused, and for a moment Peridot found herself looking at a pair of stunned blue eyes. There was a strange expression on Lapis face, one she could not decipher and when Lapis reached out to cup her cheek caressing it gently, she felt butterflies forming in her gut. 

"How can you not know about Claude Monet?" She asked.

"I'm not an art student?"

"Monet, impressionism, french movement against fine arts?" 

"Nope, nada."

"Unbelievable."

As Lapis launched into another lecture about the french artist, cigarette smoke swirling in the air. Peridot started to feel a familiar itch and then suddenly she was choking. Her windpipe contracting and she was wheezing. It had been a long time since her last asthma attack but it was as painful and frightening as she remembered it to be. She heard Lapis's voice frantically calling out to her and she signaled for Lapis to search her pockets, not having the strength to do it herself.

Lapis fumbled through her pockets eventually pulling out the inhaler. She felt it pressed to her lips and then much-needed relief. Peridot leaned back, not realizing that she had collapsed onto Lapis who was holding onto her tightly.

"Peridot! Why didn't you tell me you had asthma!"

"I thought it was gone," Peridot answered weakly, trying to reassure the girl that she was fine.

"That's not an excuse! You should have told me! I wouldn't have smoked!" The cigarette Lapis had been smoking earlier stubbed on the ground and covered under a layer of snow.

Seeing the concern in Lapis's frantic gaze, the questions Peridot was holding back rose to the surface and she could not stop herself. 

“Lapis,” she whispered, her wheezing starting to dissipate.

“Yeah?”

“Why did you bring me here?” 

“You don’t like it?”

“No, wait. Yes, yes I love it, but why?”

Lapis turned away, “Amethyst told me you were feeling down, so I decided to pop over.”

“But why?”

Lapis was silent for a moment, before holding Peridot closer, blue eyes staring deep into hers. Peridot almost dropping her inhaler when Lapis leaned in, smelling of blueberries and smoke. “I don’t know,” she whispered softly into her ears sending tingles down her neck and she shivered in anticipation. Her lips were close, inviting even and Peridot found herself closing the gap. Their breaths intermingling with each other. _ She has long eyelashes. _Peridot thought. Amethyst voice ringing in her ears.

** _You like her don’t you!_ **

Something dropped behind them, hitting the pavement with a clang. The spell was broken and both girls turned startled to see a cat running off into the bushes. Peridot realized she was leaning onto Lapis’s chest and she yelped jumping forward, her face turning a rather deep shade of red. It was hot, too hot and Lapis was sitting behind her, her fingers lingering on her lips. 

They stared at each other for a moment and then burst out laughing, the tension breaking apart.

“What was that?” Peridot asked.

“Do you want me to answer that or should we keep the status quo.” Lapis teased, smirking.

“Err…” Peridot flustered and the girl flicked Peridot hard on the forehead, pulling her in again. Peridot falling back into her embrace. 

"Ouch, what was that for you clod!"

"Don't hide something so important from me Peridot," she said firmly, "Please."

The girl uncharacteristically serious and Peridot gulped, nodding, realizing that she was leaning on Lapis’s firm chest. The girl lithe, lean muscular arms wrapping around her midsection. 

"Don't make me worry, idiot," Lapis whispered. 

As Lapis rested her chin on top of her head, Peridot closed her eyes. She couldn't deny it anymore. Amethyst was right. 

** _Lapis was more than just a friend. _ **

They stayed that way for a long time, talking about everything, about nothing, about the latest games to TV series and then dawn broke through, the rising sun casting the sky in orange and purple hues. Lapis stood from the bench.

“Ready to head home?” she asked. Peridot’s gaze lingered over the city for a little while longer and then she nodded. Lapis kept the speakers and then they made their way down. Lapis leading the way through the dimly lighted path. 

Amethyst words reminded her about her past, one she did not want to relive and Lapis had came. The girl had trudged through the cold when Amethyst messaged her. She did not have to come and yet she did. Lapis had stayed, she did not pry. Bringing Peridot to her special place, one that brought about memories that Peridot was sure wasn’t pleasant and reminded her of her dead sister, but still, she did it. The scenery was beautiful, the sight of empire city below her made her worries seemingly insignificant. And then she felt fine, good even. No one...not even her parents have cared this much before. 

_ "Why are you here?" _

She wanted to ask, but when Lapis turned, a smile on her lips, Peridot felt the question die.

"Lapis," she said instead, taking a hold of the girl's hands, squeezing it, "Thanks." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter while listening to The Beatles. Music is mysterious, isn't it? It can convey something difficult so easily.  
Hope you guys enjoy the chapter :D See you next time.
> 
> P.S. if you haven't watched the Godzilla 1964 movie, there is a short clip on Youtube and let me tell you, it's hilarious. Best thing I've seen in all my years alive. 
> 
> Songs Referenced:  
We are the Champions-Queen  
Yesterday-The Beatles  
Love of my life-Queen
> 
> Movies Referenced:  
Godzilla King of the Monsters 2019  
Ghidora, The three-headed Monster 1964  
Ultraman
> 
> Anime Referenced:  
Gundam Seed
> 
> Games Referenced:  
The Legend of Zelda


	4. Of Exes and Dying Resolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot fights. Lapis reads Twilight. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘I would not wish any companion in the world but you’- William Shakespeare

**Chapter 4**   
**Of Exes and Dying Resolves**

Rubbing her tired eyes, Peridot sunk into the stiff seats of the college library staring mindlessly into the screen. The equation set she was working on jumbled up in her head. 

Her assignments were due soon and Peridot wanted to get it done and over with. She had tried to finish it in the dorm but it had been chaotic. With Amethyst constantly bugging her, Pearl screaming at the latter, Sapphire and Ruby kissing and flirting around her she soon gave up. She found herself tucked away at the corner of the library in her usual spot facing the huge glass pane windows. A few students were seated beside her, some slogging and others sleeping. 

The night wore on, the librarians eventually shutting off the main lights and the library was shrouded in dim orange light. The only sounds filtering through the dusty shelves and misplaced books was the tapping of fingers meeting keyboard. It was getting colder, the librarians not leaving the heaters on and it was snowing heavily outside, snow gently piling up forming white humps on the cobbled roads below. 

Peridot yawned before shivering a little. She had forgotten to bring her coat and was regretting her decision. She brought her hands together rubbing it vigorously, her gaze wandering, landing on the old Victorian buildings that stood outside, the cobbled sidewalks connecting the buildings together lined with bare maple trees and old steel streetlamps. Two hundred years ago, lamplighters would have walked the path lighting the lamps with their poles. Now, there was electricity and the streetlamps glowed with warm orange light that flickered once in a while. 

Beach College, despite being a relatively small one was charming in its own right. Built approximately 265 years ago by a man named Jake Walters. The red brick buildings designed with a slight mixture of Roman and Victorian architecture still standing today. Over the years more modernized buildings were built adjunct to the old ones. Despite expanding, the old buildings were kept, restored and refurbished. 

The library Peridot was residing in became a tourist attraction and sometimes foreigners would wander in to stare at the white dome-shaped roof above, an architectural feat in the 1800s. 

The tourist often making remarks about how nice a place this was to study in and Peridot couldn't help but agree. The beautiful scenery outside the window renewing her spirit and she turned back to her essay. 

She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew it was light out. The library bright again and bustling with an influx of students. She groaned, cracking her stiff neck and finding a brown leather jacket draped over her. 

“Good morning, nerd,” a voice greeted her and she turned to find Lapis seated beside her, a book opened in her hands, blue eyes peering at her in amusement. Peridot almost falling out of the chair in shock. 

“What...what are you doing here?” Peridot babbled. Lapis laughed pointing to the drool that had formed at the side of her lips. 

“Might want to wipe that off sleepyhead,” Lapis teased and Peridot wiped it with her sleeves, flushing in embarrassment.

“Remember the Godzilla Marathon we’re supposed to have?” Lapis reminded her and Peridot smacked her forehead. 

“I’m sorry Lapis, it completely slipped my mind.”

“No worries,” Lapis shrugged, “Amethyst told me where to find you and I came over.”

  
“I still can’t believe you spent a night in the library,” Lapis continued, closing the book. Peridot spotting the title raised an eyebrow. 

“And I can’t believe you were reading Twilight.” 

“Can’t a girl enjoy some mindless romance about sparkling hot vampires?” Lapis asked and Peridot rolled her eyeballs making loud gagging noises. Lapis sniggered when a librarian popped over giving Peridot a smack on her head.

“Quiet,” she scolded and Peridot sulked immediately.

“I wasn’t making that much noise,” she muttered.

“Actually you were,” Lapis whispered back, grabbing Peridot by the arm and pulling her up. 

“Come on, let's get some breakfast.”

“Breakfast?”

“Yes, a meal eaten in the morning, the first meal of the day,” Lapis replied.

“I know what it means,” Peridot snapped.

“Why I never thought you knew,” Lapis answered sarcastically. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Peridot muttered, though she didn’t really mind, secretly glad that Lapis had come for her. She hid a small smile and packed the laptop in her rucksack. 

“Ok, where to?” she asked a while later as they stood at the entrance, Lapis still holding onto her arm. 

“Pancakes? Eggs?”

“Coffee sounds good,” Peridot answered.

“I know a place.”

A cold wind blew past and Peridot shivered. She was dressed in her usual alien hoodie and though it was thick it did nothing for the piercing chilly winds. 

She sneezed and then a jacket was draped around her. It was the same leather jacket that had covered her while she slept. Lapis was before her, adjusting the collar making sure it fits. The cold immediately forgotten   
"Aren't you cold?" she asked Lapis who was wearing a black long sleeve shirt and her usual ripped jeans, a long red checkered scarf wrapped around her neck. "No," the girl answered.

Eyes as blue as the ocean gazed into hers, Peridot taking in a sharp breath as Lapis smiled, dimples forming at the side of her cheeks. She felt hands wrapping around her own. 

"Come on, let's go. The place is pretty popular." Lapis continued pulling her along. Her hands were cold and she sneezed when a blast of wind blew past. 

"Liar," Peridot muttered. "You are cold." Peridot couldn't help it, she couldn't contain the surge of joy that filled up the emptiness within her and a smile broke out on her lips, her grip tightened around Lapis's icy digits.

"You clod," she whispered.

"Sorry, what did you say? I didn't catch it," Lapis asked and Peridot hid her face. "Nothing," she replied. 

They made their way down the frosty path, passing by chirping fluffy sparrows seated on bare maple trunks. When they finally reached their destination, the smell of roasting coffee greeted them and Peridot’s stomach grumbled. 

“Easy tiger,” Lapis teased and Peridot folded her arms in defiance. 

“Just so you know I never had dinner.”

“Figures, you didn’t even know what breakfast was.” 

“Urgh!” 

Lapis chuckled, dragging her into the university cafe. The tiny store was crowded, bustling with activity. Coffee machines hissed with mist and steam. Cashiers dinged as orders were made. Baristas and waitresses walked quickly and purposefully through the floor and behind the counters. An array of cakes were arranged neatly behind the fridge display, and bread stacked neatly on the countertop above the display. A menu hung above the cashier counter, written messily in white chalk. 

“You should try their egg sandwich, it’s good,” Lapis recommended, pulling Peridot into the queue as she did so. 

“I’ll order, so tell me what you want.”

“A latte would be nice,” Peridot said licking her lips at the sight of steaming mushroom soup. “And maybe some egg sandwiches.”

“On it, we’re taking it to go. Better to sit outside than in this crowded mess.”

“Aye,” Peridot agreed wincing as she narrowly missed crashing into one of the History Professors she kinda recognized. 

The queue moved fast and when it was finally their turn Peridot felt Lapis tensing. The girl gave a silent curse and Peridot found herself looking at a rather pretty looking barista who was glaring daggers at Lapis. She was of mixed descent, half european, half asian, had striking red eyes and long silky black hair. Peridot gulped when she greeted Lapis, a scowl on her lips.

“Lapis, fancy meeting you here.”

“Lisa,” Lapis quipped, her grip tightening around Peridot’s arms. The action did not go unnoticed and Lisa clicked her tongue in annoyance. So this was Lisa...Lapis rumored ex. Peridot felt a lump forming in her throat and for some strange reason a sharp pain in her chest. She did not like this.

“Your orders,” Lisa said fiercely and Lapis ordered, not giving the girl much attention. 

“That would be fourteen dollars.”

Lapis handed the girl cash and Lisa pointed them towards the waiting area. They made their way there, Lapis breathing out a sigh.

“You ok?” Peridot asked, sensing the tension. 

“I’m fine,” Lapis answered, “Mind waiting here for a bit, I need to wash my face.”

Peridot nodded and the girl released her walking quickly towards the toilets. Lisa had affected Lapis that much was certain. Peridot frowned and found Lisa staring at her from behind the counter. She gulped as the girl approached her. Peridot not liking the smile she was showing her.  
“You’re the new toy huh,” she commented, passing Peridot her breakfast orders.

“Pardon?”

The girl snorted, “Did she charm you? Whisper sweet nothings and make you feel like everything?”

Peridot did not like Lisa’s tone and shrunk back when the girl leaned in, her eyes flashing in anger. “She’ll use you,” Lisa warned, “She’s not hanging out with you because she likes you. She’s just using you. You're her new toy, I warned you. Might want to leave before she dumps you too.”

There was a spiteful pain in the girl’s voice and Peridot squeezed the packet in her hands.

“Lapis...not like that,” she whispered.

Lisa snorted. “She’s a whore, last I’ve heard she was fucking with some female lecturer.”

Peridot slammed her hands on the countertop, silencing the bustling crowd. People were starting to stare, however, Peridot did not care. Anger was racing through her blood and she leapt forward taking Lisa by the collar of her shirt pulling her forward. She heard gasps but Peridot could not stop.

“Don’t you dare say that ever again you clod!” she shouted, “You don’t know anything!”

Lisa’s eyes widened.

“What...what are you saying, I’m just warning you...as fellow…”

“I don’t need your warning!” Peridot snapped, “Stop spreading baseless rumors, you stupid bitch.”

“Hey, hey!” Lapis's voice breaking through, she ran towards them taking hold of Peridot pulling her back.

“What is happening? Peridot?”

“Must be nice finding such a loyal toy huh,” Lisa shouted, her eyes wild, her hair in a mess. There was a nasty smirk on her lips and Peridot was about to launch herself forward but Lapis held her back. 

“I’m sorry Lisa,” she whispered and the girl fell silent, “I know I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry.”

There were whispers going around the cafe and Peridot was suddenly aware of the commotion she had caused. 

“What’s going on? Lisa Cho, are you fighting with the customers!?” one of the cafe managers stepped in and Peridot felt Lapis dragging her. 

“We’re making a run for it,” she whispered and they bounded out of the cafe, breakfast drinks, and food in Peridot’s hands. They ran for a bit, down the frosted, slippery cobbled pavements and then into the courtyard overlooking the football field. Peridot panting slightly, trying to catch her breath as she plopped herself onto a wooden bench.

“What…” Lapis panted beside her, “What was that?”

Peridot grew quiet before smacking her hands repeatedly on her cheeks. 

“Urgh, what the hell! Who is she Lapis! She makes me so mad! That fucking clod! I hate people like her, spreading baseless rumors with no fucking proof! Spitting out shit about others without a second thought! Fuck her, fuck this shit!” 

“Whoa, Whoa, calm down,” Lapis said, placing a hand over Peridot’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. 

“Do not tell me to calm down!” Peridot snapped, swiping Lapis hands away. “She just insulted you, called you a whore! Aren’t you mad?” she screamed. 

“And what if the rumors were true,” Lapis said suddenly, interrupting her rant. Peridot paused. Lapis was smirking, hands wrapped around herself and Peridot's anger evaporated almost immediately. 

“What?” she forced out.

“What if the rumors were true, what would you do?” Lapis whispered, there it was the sadness in her voice and Peridot sighed, reaching out, grabbing Lapis by her hands and pulling her towards the bench. Lapis yelped, landing in the spot beside her, Peridot tightening her grip on the girl’s hands.

“I’ll be worried,” she said, “And I’ll try to stop you. But,” she paused, “I won’t stop being your friend.” 

The air shifted, the tension from earlier releasing itself. Peridot found herself staring at blue eyes. “You’re an idiot, Peridot,” Lapis whispered, her voice cracking, her eyes wavering and for a moment, Peridot thought she would cry, “A really big idiot.” 

Before Peridot could respond, Lapis had stuffed one of the egg sandwiches into her lips and she choked, spluttering from the sudden intrusion.

“What the hell!?” she exclaimed, the moment lost and Lapis giggled, gently placing the surface of the cup to her cheeks. 

“Idiot.”

They sat in silence for a while, Peridot munching on the egg sandwich, the incident from earlier catching up to her and she sunk into the bench with a groan.

“I can’t believe I lost it...in front of all those people,” she whispered, “Pearl is going to kill me.”

“Hey, if it brings you a sense of comfort, I can help you explain the situation. But, yeah, knowing Pearl, she’ll most probably kill you first.” Lapis shrugged.

“Not helping Lapis,” Peridot snapped. 

Lapis chuckled. 

“I’m still mad though,” Peridot muttered, crushing the empty breakfast packet in her hands, wringing it in frustration. “Why did you apologize, you had nothing to apologize for.”

Peridot watched as Lapis took sips from the cup before sighing. “I met Lisa after a live gig,” she explained. “We weren’t meant to hook up. I was drunk, she was high and then the next thing I know she was in bed with me.”

“You slept with her?” Peridot asked, feeling that sharp pang in her chest again and Lapis grimaced. 

“To be honest, I don’t know. Jasper told me she had been hanging onto me all night and we had disappeared for a while.” 

“I tried to end it with her but she was pushy and I decided it was too much of a pain.”

“So you went out with her?”

“No, I dumped her over a text message. She was furious after that.”

“Lapis…” Peridot groaned and the girl nodded.

“I know, I made the wrong decision, but she scared me.”

“Still…”

“Hey, look on the bright side, if it weren’t for that text message I wouldn’t have met you.”

Peridot paused. “That was the night you dump her? No wonder you were out there alone! I was worried you know.” Lapis was silent for a moment, there was a glint in her eyes, one that made Peridot uneasy.

“Lapis?”

“Yeah,” the girl squeaked, though her voice sounded kinda forced. “Yeah, that was why I was there that night.” She said it again like she was convincing herself. The nagging feeling was back again and Peridot was about to reach out when the girl stood up, stretching. 

“It was a mistake and I’m sorry that you were dragged into this. Won’t happen again, promise.”

“About the lecturer…” Peridot trailed off, turning red and Lapis smirked. 

“I thought you didn’t believe those baseless rumors.”

“I don’t, but I want to know Lapis. I don’t want it to stew in my head.”

“Well if it gives you comfort, I didn’t do it.” Lapis replied, turning away, “It almost happened but I stopped it.”

“Almost?!”

“How was I supposed to know that the random woman I met at the party would be my professor.”

“Oh gods, Lapis!” Peridot scolded. Lapis laughed but it was different. It was cold and there was an edge to it. 

“I know...a whore amirite. I deserve the nickname. I hooked up with so many women, I lost count. I can’t even remember their faces, I know I should stop, but it’s like a need.” 

“A need to what end Lapis?” Peridot whispered.

“I don’t know.” the girl replied and somehow Peridot knew she was lying, there had been pain and Peridot could see it, the girl was hiding it, skillfully but Peridot knew. It was there, resting just beneath the surface.

“Anyway I deserved it, so I apologized. Did I answer the question?” Lapis muttered, looking at her feet and Peridot clenched her fist, determination surging to her. For the time she spent with the girl, Peridot wanted Lapis to know. She was most definitely not what the rumors paint her to be. 

“You’re not a whore Lapis, if anything a playboy, playgirl? But not a whore. ”

Lapis snorted, “Very poetic, Peridot.” 

“I’m serious Lapis. Your kind, gentle and funny. You make me laugh, you helped me when I was in the pits...you are nothing Lisa said you were!”

“Peridot, I’m…”

Peridot cut her off, not wanting to hear the girl berating herself anymore. 

“I’m still here,” Peridot answered and the girl turned away. “I’m always here Lapis.”

“You’re…” Lapis whispered, her voice lost in the frigid winter winds.

The girl faced her and Peridot gulped. There had been a blank look on her face, something Peridot had never seen before and it scared her. 

“Lapis?” she called out carefully. The expression vanished, replaced with a small smile. 

“Idiot,” Lapis muttered, again settling beside her. They sat in awkward silence after that, sipping from their hot latte cups watching as a group of elementary school kids wandered onto the snow-covered football field before them.

“Baseball...huh,” Lapis said breaking the silence. Peridot watched as one of the kids, a rather scrawny boy wearing glasses, swung the bat and the ball flew backwards.

Lapis broke out laughing and Peridot frowned.

“That’s not very nice Lapis, his trying.”

“Yeah, I know, I’ll stop, just-”

The boy swung the bat again, but this time it flew out of his hands hitting one of his buddies in the balls and the boy fell to the ground with a cry. Peridot couldn’t help it and a giggle escaped her lips, Lapis laughter infecting her. 

“We were never that bad,” Lapis commented and Peridot snorted.

“Yeah right, we were all that bad.”

“Oh, let me guess, you were that kid.” 

Lapis pointed to a skinny kid who was struggling to make a round, round the field. 

Peridot blushed, folding her arms around her chest. “No,” she spluttered, “I was not!”

“Hmm…” Lapis smirked. The boy tripped and fell forward, landing on his nose and Peridot winced as blood dribbled from the injury. “He should ice that, it’ll hurt like a bitch later,” she whispered unwittingly. 

It was a familiar sight and she found herself frowning at Lapis’s knowing stare.

“What,” she snapped and the girl sniggered.

“Figured you’ll be the type to fall flat on your face.”

“I have you know that’s very offensive.”

“Well…”

“Don’t you dare.”

“You could always get good.”

“Lapis!”

The girl burst out laughing.

“I’m not bad at sports...just…”

“Just bad?”

Peridot rolled her eyes and the girl chuckled. “I’m still better at computer games shit head.” Peridot protested and the girl smirked. 

“Wanna bet?”

“You're on!”

An hour later, they found themselves in a gaming arcade. Loud obnoxious Japanese pop music flitted out from the beeping machines that were swirling with digital screens and colorful lights. “Ready to lose twerp?” Lapis teased and Peridot smirked.

“Loser buys drinks.”

“Oh, it’s on.”

They bounded into the store, heading towards the fighting arcade games and settling down in the seats. They played against each other, Peridot frowning when she lost the first round. “Hey, stop using those overpowered characters!” she exclaimed and Lapis shrugged.

“Get good Peridot, don’t blame the characters.”

“That’s it get ready to die!”

Lapis chortled. Peridot won the last four rounds and smirked at the girl who shrugged. 

“Beginner’s luck.”

“Beginners! Beginners Luck! I’ll show you beginners luck!” 

She dragged Lapis to the racing games next beating the girl, the girl beating her the first few rounds, Peridot winning the game eventually. 

“Ha, take that!”

She turned about to give Lapis a victory pose when she caught the girl giving her a gentle smile and just like that the competition did not matter anymore. The words died in her throat and her heart beat faster. The noises vanished and all she could see were azure eyes. The flashing light casting a glow on Lapis’s pale skin, illuminating blue hair. “You're good Peridot,” she whispered before standing up. 

“Enjoying yourself?” she asked and Peridot nodded. Lapis lead her through some UFO catchers and they spent the remaining hours wasting their money on the machines.

“Argh almost got it!” Peridot exclaimed as the doll fell back onto the pile.

“Told you to just buy it.” Lapis retorted and Peridot shook her head. 

“That’ll be angering the gaming gods!”

“Great,” Lapis muttered as Peridot threw in another coin into the machine. The day dragged on and for some odd reason, Peridot found herself standing on a dancing platform. Dance! Dance! Revolution!

“I can’t do this Lapis!” she shouted and Lapis laughed pushing the coins in. 

“You can, I trust you P-dot.”

“But-”

“Peridot, you can.” The girl gave her a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.

The song started and it wasn’t easy. The arrows flashing across the screen and Peridot cursed. **_You can._**

She smirked. Well, if Lapis said so. She followed the arrows, jumping and twisting in ways she never thought she could. Lapis beside her, encouraging her. By the time the song ended, there were perfect scores flashing across the screen, they had set a new record and the news was announced throughout the store.

When she looked up, she found a crowd gathered around them, clapping and cheering. Peridot blushed, not used to such attention and she felt her body stiffened. She shrunk back wanting to leave and Lapis lead her away protecting her from the crowd. “Told you,” she said and the funny feelings were back making her giddy and she smiled.

“I thought we were competing?” she asked.

“Your win, I’ll buy the drinks.”

They exited the gaming arcade, Lapis leading Peridot towards the beach area. Seagulls squawked in mid-air flying against the strong winter winds. The frothy white waves crashed into the sands and white patches of snow littered across. Lapis got them some hotdogs from a makeshift stand and they sat by the picnic tables, eating.

A while later Peridot found herself seated by the beach, the wet sand soaking through her jeans. Lapis beside her, staring silently into the open ocean. The sun was setting and the sky was a deep orange hue. 

Peridot laying back into the sand, looking up at the glowing sky, closing her eyes in bliss. When she opened them again she found Lapis above her and time stopped. She was locked in a trance. The girl’s azure blue eyes staring into hers, unreadable. 

“Peridot,” she started.

“Yes,” Peridot answered, after a moment, catching her breath, turning slightly red as Lapis leaned down. The girl’s head eventually resting on her chest and she gave a little squeak of surprise. “I never met anyone like you.” the girl admitted. 

_ **And neither have I.** _

She ran her hand down the girl’s blue hair, pleasure racing through her when the girl shuddered. They stayed that way for a long time, watching as the sun sets into the distance. 

“Hey,” Peridot started, “This was fun. Today was fun.” 

The girl chuckled into her chest and it tickled. “Yeah,” she mumbled, “It was.”

“Let’s do this again,” Peridot continued and she felt the girl tensed.**_ Was that the wrong thing to say? Was I being conceited?!_**

She was about to retract her statement when Lapis faced her, azure eyes silencing the thoughts racing in her head. “Yeah, we should.”

Warmth engulfed her, a feeling so powerful it was indescribable and her heart raced to new heights. It was overwhelming and she reached down wrapping her arms around the girl hugging her tightly. She still did not know what these feelings were but the happiness in her chest was growing and all she wanted was Lapis by her side. 

* * *

This was a mistake. Wrapped in Peridot’s warm embrace, Lapis felt herself sinking. The darkness at the edge coming in at full force.

“Let’s do this again.” No, she couldn’t. Why was she still here?

She had a plan, she had to stick to it. What was she doing? 

“I’m still here.” 

Lapis winced.

She felt like she was being stabbed. It hurt, it hurt to be here. Peridot was dangerous. She had to leave, she must.

They left the beach and Lapis walked the shorter girl back to the dorms. Lapis lingering for a moment more, the voices in her head threatening to pull her under. “I don’t want to leave,” she whispered, the answer hit her with so much force she gasped. The pain grew too much and the pressure weighed down on her. 

_Leave, you're going to hurt her. Just like her! What are you doing! Leave! _

“Oh gods,” Lapis whispered feverishly as she made her way back, “Please God, please...don’t let me fall further. Please.”

_“I’m always here, Lapis.”_

It was too late. Lapis wasn’t stupid, she knew what these feelings were. She knew what they meant and she couldn’t stop it. The girl smiled, the unbridled joy killing the thoughts and Lapis had hung on. She wanted to leave but Peridot was here and she couldn’t bring herself to go. The girl had protected her. Her anger at Lisa and her actions after bringing Lapis's great comfort.

She had been surprised when the girl lost control at her expanse and the happiness paralyzed her. Lapis clung onto the warmth and Peridot was nothing but warm. 

Lapis couldn’t stop, she was falling and falling fast. It hurt, it hurt too much. Lapis clenched her fist. “Minimal casualties.” the mantra repeating constantly in her head. She couldn’t put Peridot through that, the girl was special. Lapis couldn’t hurt her. She had to end it, she must.

For her sake and for Peridot’s. 

Her phone vibrated and she pulled it out. 

**Adorabledork: ** _I still owe you Godzilla movies come over soon. _  
**Adorabledork: ** _Oh, and don’t forget the raid tonight, I’ll be waiting for you._  
**Adorabledork: ** _Lapis help me, Pearl's losing it._

A wavering smile broke through and Lapis chuckled before sinking to the ground, choking back tears. The pain crushing her. It was too cruel, it really was. 

**“Idiot, don’t give me a reason...to stay.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the 4th chapter. I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> Books Referenced (good books deserve men-hmmm...)  
Twilight


	5. Mistle-toe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis visits Peridot's parents. Wait...what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”-Lao Tzu

**Chapter 5**

**Mistle-Toes **

Winter was in full swing and the streets were covered in thick slabs of white snow. There had been a blizzard the night before and their small rickety dormitory had shaken violently from the icy storm. 

"More shoveling, less snowball fights! Jasper, don't make me kick your ass!" Bismuth shouted at Jasper who was throwing snowballs at Rose. The two young women chortling as they rolled around. The garage was buried under a layer of thick snow and Lapis sighed at their antics before slamming the shovel in the ground pulling out the white mess. 

"Why can't we pay for a snow digger?" She grumbled. 

"Lappy, if you provide the money, I'll gladly do it," Bismuth snapped and then turned to the skiving women behind them dropping her shovel. 

"That's it, you guys asked for it!" She shouted. The black girl ran through the snow, stumbling a bit towards the women and they shrieked when she launched herself onto them, body slamming them into the snow. They fell backwards and were tangled in a mess of arms and limbs.

"BISMUTH WHAT THE FUCK!" Jasper roared.

"I think I broke my neck," Rose called out and Lapis sighed, sticking her shovel into the ground leaning on it as her friends fought, Bismuth eventually joining in the intense snowball fight. 

Their chores forgotten. A while later they sat by the porch staring at the thick snow. Rose coming out with a tray of hot chocolate setting it down between them.

Jasper grumbling when she pulled up empty pockets. "Laz got a stick? I really need a smoke." 

"Smoking is bad," Bismuth nagged as usual, "For the both of you."

"Actually for Jasper," Lapis said pushing her childhood friend who was trying for her pockets, "I'm stopping."

"Gum...nicotine gum…" Jasper gasped, pulling out the packet from Lapis's pockets. She snatched it back and watched in annoyance at her friends' shocked expression. 

"What?" 

"LL, who got you to stop? We've been trying for years!" She gasped. 

"It's not a big deal."

"Amethyst just messaged me, she says Peridot had asthma," Jasper continued, smirking as she peered up from her phone. 

"Oh Lappy, this is fantastic!" 

"She's special, isn't she! Lapis, this is serious!"

Lapis groaned. Regretting her decision of introducing her friends to the purple-haired girl. Three idiots were enough, she didn't need to deal with a hyperactive bombshell too. 

"Look, it's nothing, just drop it."

"Clearly, it's something," Rose continued, "Pearl told me you've been going over more often. Oh, she doesn't mind though, she says you're good for Peridot." 

Lapis groaned, before glancing at Rose. "Pearl? You've been talking to Pearl Williams privately?"

"Yes, I'm going out with her."

"WHAT!" they shouted at the pink-haired girl who giggled, shrugging nonchalantly. "Well she's cute, she makes me happy and she has the most interesting stories." 

"You never mentioned it. What the hell Rose!?" Jasper snapped.

"You never asked."

"Congratulations," Bismuth chuckled. Lapis fell back onto her seat, exhausted by the new revelation. Pearl and Rose, she never saw that coming. _ What would Peridot think? _ Just thinking about the reaction Peridot would have made her chuckle softly. _ She'll probably flip out. _

"So when are you going to hook up with Peridot?" Jasper asked interrupting her thoughts and Lapis groaned. "Look, we're just friends," she deadpanned.

"Really, Lapis?" Jasper grinned. "You’ll stop smoking for a friend?" 

"Yes, drop it!"

"LL, it's not healthy to keep secrets."

"Rose, I don't want to hear that from you."

"Hey, it's out in the open now. You shouldn't bottle up your feelings, it'll explode." Jasper continued.

"For once I got to agree with these idiots Lappy," Bismuth interrupted. **Why are they doing this? Why do they not listen? **

Lapis slammed her fist into the table, stunning her friends momentarily. "Stop it," she rasped, "I don't want a relationship, what part of it do you not understand! I don't need this, not right now! Not when I-" she stopped herself, standing up to walk away. In the moment she had almost exposed her plans, her emotions were in a mess and she needed to cool off. 

"We're not your enemies Lapis!" Jasper called out as she slammed the main doors shut. 

_ Yeah, but you can't help me. _

Her phone vibrated and she found herself staring at a long contrived message that Peridot often sent when she was nervous about something. _ Speak of the devil. _

**Adorabledork:** _Lapis, I know this is sudden but my parents see...they want me to come home for Christmas and when we talked I mentioned you. And they were like, there's no way you can be friends with such a cool kid and I'm like yes, I'll prove it to you and I'm sorry Lapis but… could you accompany me to the Christmas dinner tomorrow?"_

**Adorabledork:** _Lapis? You there? Sorry. I'll understand if you're not free, you don't need to come. I'm sorry._

Lapis grip tightened on the phone. The tension from her outburst dissipating slightly. 

**Lapis: ** _ meeting your parents? So soon? Didn't we skip quite a few steps? _

She teased.

**Adorabledork: *!&#^!%%+£×&**

**Adorabledork:** _ what no! It's a dinner! I'm bringing you as a friend! Promise! It's not like that! You clod! _

**Lapis:** _ did you land on your phone? 😂 _

**Adorabledork:** _ I did not! _

The girl was nervous, Lapis could see that. Peridot wasn't used to human interaction. Was prone to messing up even the simplest conversations. And yet...she still tried, pushing through her awkwardness, mustering her courage to get to know her. 

** _She's special, isn't she_ **? 

She was and Lapis was conflicted. The girl had appeared from nowhere and crashed into her world like a raging storm. Lapis had her share of flings, all short and fleeting. She thought it would be the same but Peridot did not feel like a fling. She was different and it scared Lapis. 

But she couldn't pull away and she found herself replying to the text. 

**Lapis:** _ i'll go. _

The reply came over almost immediately. 

**Adorabledork: ** _ Yes! It's a date then! Tomorrow at 5pm, I'll meet you by the college bus stops! _

**Lapis: ** _ so it's a date? _

**Adorabledork: ** _ what...no...i mean… _

Lapis chuckled. "Dork," she whispered and spent the remaining afternoon text messaging the girl, enjoying her flustered remarks and passionate nerd rants. 

The day of the meeting came and Lapis was slightly skittish. She grabs the wrapped up present she had gotten for Peridot two weeks earlier and then the two smaller ones for Peridot's parents. Those she had gotten haphazardly from a souvenir shop, last minute. The presents stuffed in a plastic bag.

She was about to exit her house, passing by Jasper and Bismuth who were playing with the PS4, when she was stopped.

"Where do you think you're going?" Jasper called out. Lapis gave a heavy sigh about to wear her snow boots when the girl grabs her turning her around. "What the hell Jasper, are you, my mother. Besides, why does it matter where I go? I don't see Rose around either!" She snapped.

"Rose is on a Christmas date with Pearl, Lappy," Bismuth appeared behind Jasper. Her gaze falling to the presents Lapis was holding and a knowing smirk appeared on her face. 

"Let her go, Jasper, she's going to meet her girlfriend," Bismuth teased and Lapis shot her a glare. The taller girl raising her hands. "Whoa, ok, I'll stop."

"Where are you going, really," Jasper continued. "Lapis, please, don't make us worry." There was concern in Jasper's eyes and Lapis remembered her outburst from the day before. Guilt washed over her and she relented. 

"Peridot invited me over...for a Christmas dinner at her folks. So-" 

"FOLKS?" Jasper exclaimed. 

"Yes, as a friend, why?"

"And you're going in that?" Jasper asked, looking disdainfully at the black hoodie and ripped jeans she was wearing. 

"Yeah, why?"

"Are you crazy, Lapis?"

"I don't need this right now. I'm going!" Lapis snapped and Bismuth stopped her. "Lappy, I think what Jasper meant was, why the fuck are you dressed in casual attire?"

"It's just dinner!"

"With Peridot's parents!" 

"So?"

They gaped at her, Jasper placing a hand on her forehead in defeat. 

"Lapis you're going to be the death of me." 

Before Lapis could protest, Jasper had yanked her half struggling and yelling up the stairs. "What, Jasper! Let me go!"

Her childhood friend ignored her. "Bismuth get me some hair gel, we need to spruce this idiot up."

"Spruce? What the f-"

She gulped when Jasper turned to her, a dangerous glint in her eyes. "Exactly what I meant, Lapis. You're not leaving here dressed like a gangster."

"I do not look like one!"

"Trust me, you do Lappy," Bismuth appeared chuckling with a can of hairspray. 

"Now, stop struggling and let us fix you up."

"I don't need-Bismuth stop pulling my hair! Jasper what the fuck! URGH!" 

An hour later, Lapis stood by the bus stop watching as the snow fell softly, gently piling up on tar roads. She shivered slightly wearing the white round-neck shirt and thin black blazer, Jasper had loaned her. Her usual ripped jeans switched out for black formal pants that were kind of tight. She caught a glance of herself in the convex mirror located above. Her usually unruly hair was gelled back, her bangs swept to the side pinned back by hair clips. The black and white tattoo of a chinese mythical dragon that ran down her neckline to her back hidden with a red scarf. Jasper and Bismuth had spent the last half of the hour trying and failing to hide it with some foundation. She looked different and she wasn’t sure how to feel about it. It made her nervous and she pulled out her phone, trying to distract herself with the incoming messages from the group chat. 

**Amethyst: ** _ Guys! Guys! Look what I’ve just seen! _

An image appeared and the phone almost slipped out of Lapis’s fingers. There in the blurry picture the purple-haired girl took was Rose and Pearl kissing passionately on the couch. Rose had a smile on her face, one that Lapis had not seen before. The air-headed, sometimes dispassionate girl, who doesn’t seem to know what she wanted in life was actually happy. 

**Amethyst: ** _ Why didn’t any of you tell me they were a couple! _  
  


**Jasper: ** _ Sorry to break it to you short stuff, we just found out yesterday. _

**Bismuth: ** _ Holy mother of god, is Rose eating her face? _

**Jasper: ** _ I actually do not want to see this _

**Amethyst: ** _ Traumatizing isn’t it. _

Lapis couldn’t help it, she chuckled. 

**Lapis: ** _ Not as traumatizing as the naked pics P-dot sent. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ Do not bring that up! Why are we bringing that up? _

**Lapis: ** _ Cause it was the greatest fuck-up in the history of mankind. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ For the thousandth time, it was Amethyst who sent me those pics. And you guys enjoyed it. _

**Lapis: ** _ you saved the pics Peridot, I think you were enjoying it the most. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ I do not! _

**Lapis: ** _ you still have the pics don’t you? _

**Adorabledork: ** _ how did- I do not! _

**Amethyst: ** _ guys, stop flirting. This is a public group chat. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ we’re just friends! _

**Lapis: ** _ don’t fan the fire P-dot, they’ll never stop. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ I know right, annoying bastards. _

**Sapphire: ** _ what do you think Ruby? _

**Ruby: ** _ we kiss better. _

**Sapphire: ** _ not the picture you lovable doofus. I’m talking about Lapis’s and Peri’s denial. _

**Ruby: ** _ let’s not interfere with the young uns my love. _

**Amethyst: ** _ hey, hey no flirting in the public chat _

**Ruby: ** _ we’re pass flirting Amy _

**Amethyst: ** _ Oh right, you’re at third? Fourth base? Pregnant yet, have any kids? _

**Sapphire: ** _ though I do envision a future with kids, I find that rather crass don’t you think Ruby? _

**Ruby: ** _ A girl would be nice. _

**Amethyst: ** _ oh boy. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ see what you’ve done Amy. _

**Lapis: ** _ they won’t stop would they. _

**Amethyst: ** _ nope, they never do. _

**Pearl: ** _ Amethyst Garcia Gomez! Take that picture down this instance! _

**Amethyst: ** _ Welp, that’s my cue to leave _

**Adorabledork: ** _ why did you do this, you know there would be an explosion. _

**Rose: ** _ aww...that’s a cute picture Pearl, can I have it Amethyst? _

**Amethyst: ** _ most certainly, anybody who can crack the princess out of her shell, is welcomed to anything. If you need a photographer for 3rd base you’ll know who to call. _

**Rose: ** _ ok even I won’t go that far _

**Jasper: ** _ basically, a porn movie? I’m up for it. Amethyst you’ve got to invite me _

**Pearl:** ** _ AMETHYST!_ **

**Amethyst: ** _ gotta go, oh and Lapis, Peridot’s like all dressed up and cute. So make sure you’re not dressed in that gangster getup of yours. _

**Lapis: ** _ what the hell. I do not dress like one. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ Amy, shut up _

**Bismuth: ** _ and the truth been spoken Lappy. What did we tell you? _

**Jasper: ** _ wonder how she still gets girls looking like a couch potato _

**Lapis: ** _ Har har very funny. _

**Amethyst: ** _ dress well Lapis _

**Jasper: ** _ don’t worry short stuff, we’ve taken care of it _

**Lapis: ** _ i do not appreciate this chat _

**Amethyst: ** _ you’ll appreciate it later. _

**Lapis: ** _ what do you mean _

**Adorabledork: ** _ Amy shut up...and run, I think Pearl’s breaking down my door _

**Amethyst: ** _ oop got to go. Have a good date girls. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ IT’S NOT A DATE _

**Sapphire: ** _ So much drama, so much denial _

**Ruby: ** _ shall we create some in our room? _

**Bismuth: ** _ are they always like this? _

**Adorabledork: ** _ i’m used to it. Guys, PRIVATE CHAT PLEASE. _

**Jasper: ** _ is this...what I think it is _

**Adorabledork: ** _ is exactly what you think it is _

**Jasper: ** _ whoa...hot _

**Rose: ** _ erm guys...I think my girlfriend is going to kill Amethyst, I might need some help. _

**Sapphire: ** _ i foresee this would happen. If a knife is involved, I will get Ruby to stop them _

**Rose: ** _ erm...more like a shovel. _

**Bismuth: ** _ what are you doing Rose, stop her! _

**Rose: ** _ i got to admit...Pearl’s kinda hot now so fired up...so strong...so _

**Bismuth: ** _ Rose, focus...again I apologize for this idiot. _

**Adorabledork: ** _ hey no worries, the purple-headed demon probably deserves it _

**Rose: ** _ Oh there’s the knife _

**Sapphire: ** _ Ruby _

**Ruby: ** _ on it my love _

Lapis watched amused as the events unfolded. The image that had appeared on the feed eventually disappearing. Lapis giggled when Peridot sent her a private message of a photoshopped picture. Amethyst looking like a mouse and Pearl, a cat. 

**Adorabledork: ** _ Tom and Jerry _

**Lapis: ** _ now that you mentioned it _

**Adorabledork: ** _ you know when they first met, they were fighting so much, I thought they’ll end up together _

**Lapis: ༼ ºلº ༽**

**Adorabledork: ** _ ...how did you make that _

**Lapis: ** _ that would be a disaster P-dot. And I don’t reveal my secrets that easily _

**Adorabledork: ** _ Stingy _

Lapis smiled about to send another message when her phone rang. It had been sudden. Her mother’s name flashing across the screen and she hesitated. ** _Why now? _ **

She picked it up, bringing the receiver to her ears. 

“Hello Lapis,” her mother’s voice greeted her from the other end. The woman as always sounded chirpy...too chirpy. “How are you doing?”

There was an edge to the woman’s bright facade and Lapis held in a sigh. “Mae,” Lapis greeted, “I’m fine, what about you?”

“Good, good, we're having a Christmas dinner at your Da’s house,” she answered, “We figured you had plans, so we didn’t ask. Da has been asking about you.”

**Why would he? We haven’t met...not since…**

Lapis clenched her fist, feeling like she's just been punched, sucking in a sharp breath. She cursed when it echoed through the phone, her mother hearing everything. 

“Lapis, dear, are you ok?” her mother asked, the chirpiness vanishing from her tone. Instead, it was replaced with worry and concern, one she often had when they talked. “Do you need help? Lapis?”

**Shut up.**

“I’m fine Mae, it’s just a little cold here.”

“Where are you?!” the woman asked, this time frantic and Lapis winced. 

“At the bus stop, I’m heading to a friend’s party, there’s no need to worry.”

There was a long pause at the other end and Lapis felt the tension thicken. “You can’t tell me not to worry Lapis.” her mother whispered. “I’m your mother, I’ll always be here, you know that right.”

**Why can’t you just leave me alone.**

“Yeah, I know that Mae.”

“Your Papai wants to speak to you.”

Lapis winced about to put down the phone when a man’s voice sounded through the receiver. It was deep and mellow, his voice sounding like **hers** and Lapis stiffened. 

“How are you Laz,” he greeted, his voice uncertain and Lapis knew he was holding back. They did not talk much, not since that fateful day 5 years ago. She still remembered the incident clearly in her mind, every once in awhile the memories would resurface to haunt her. 

He was drenched, his blouse soaked through from the torrential rain pouring down that day. Lapis sat in the ward, her left wrist bandaged with thick gauze. He ran towards her, grabbed her and his gaze lingered over the injury. They stared at each other, words lost in translation, father and daughter not knowing what to say.

“Did you do this...to yourself?” he was the first to break the silence. Lapis stared into his grey eyes and the memory of another familiar pair straggled at the edge, threatening to pull her under. “Laz, please,” he pleaded. His back was hunched, his grip firm, desperation in his stance. His lips quivering and Lapis turned away. 

“Laz, please tell me why…”

“You promised,” Lapis whispered, the pain turns into numbness and she stared coldly at the soaked man before her. He was past his prime, nothing like the strong man she often thought he was. Here, drenched, wet and weak, her father stood.

“And you couldn’t save her,” she whispered. Her words cutting through. She knew she should stop, but the words spilled and her father sunk. He did not answer, his silence was heavy. Instead, his grip tightened around her wrist and for the first time in her life, Lapis saw a man cry. The grief taunt in his body.

It had brought nothing. Only pain. 

“Laz, you there?” 

“Y...yeah,” Lapis answered, her voice quivering and her father paused.

“Merry Christmas, Laz,” he whispered. “We love you.” 

Lapis not wanting to hear anymore and she snapped the phone shut, leaning back into the seats. It was cold, too cold. 

** _Christmas?_ **

When had they last celebrated Christmas together as a family? 

** _There will be no family Lapis._ **

Cakes in hospital rooms, a candle flickering, surrounded by beeping machines. Bandages wrapped around bald head. Grey eyes staring back at hers. “Why me, Mae, why me,” the sorrow in the child-like voice echoing in the white, empty room. The sheets too clean, the antiseptic smell burning the insides of their noses. Still, they attempted. Her father rushing down from work, her mother struggling to keep things normal. As normal as it can be. They sat by the bed, surrounded by white sheets that curled around them like snakes.

“It’ll be ok,” her mother would say, “It’ll all be fine.”

“Yeah,” her father had whispered, “Soon, we’ll be back home. I promise you, Mal.”

“Really, Pai?” Lapis had asked and the man ruffled his fingers through her once black hair. 

“Yes, Laz, we’ll all be home soon.”

And they sat huddled together in that small ward, celebrating Christmas as snow fell silently, filling the streets with empty promises. The white burying their lies deep into the ground.

**That was the last time, wasn’t it?**

Lapis closed her eyes, shutting it tightly, not wanting to hear it. She did not want to experience it again. She could not, not today. Not when…

“Lapis?” a voice called out with concern and Lapis opened her eyes. Her fleeting thoughts vanishing almost immediately at the sight. There before her were bright green eyes, freckles on slightly tanned cheeks. A white sleeveless dress wrapped around slender body, highlighting soft curves, a green cardigan draped around petite shoulders. Peridot wasn’t wearing her spectacles, a thin layer of foundation was applied on her face, her lips slightly tinged red from lipstick. Her usually unruly hair pinned back and styled. Lapis felt her breath catch, her gaze dabbled for a moment at Peridot’s unexpectedly...big...chest. 

“Lapis?”

“P...Peridot!” she stuttered, wincing at how lame she sounded and the girl frowned, leaning closer. Lapis catching a whiff of lemongrass and she grew flustered.

“You look good,” she whispered and the girl yelped, blushing, red running down her cheeks to her slender suddenly inviting neckline. 

“Stop...stop staring!” she exclaimed.

“I was not s...staring…” she trailed off, eyes wandering to Peridot’s soft curves and chest. She coughed and the girl wrapped her arms around her chest.

“What are you looking at!?” she snapped and Lapis folded her arms in defiance. 

“Look, I can’t help it ok. You’re always dressed in thick hoodies, flannel green shirts or cargo pants...I’ve never seen you in a dress before…” 

_ Nor did I know you were so… _

“Sexy,” she muttered before slapping her hands over her mouth, realizing that she had said it out loud. The shocked expression on the girl’s face was enough and Lapis looked to the ground, trying to quell the embarrassment taking over. 

"It's different," she muttered, fidgeting with the hem of her blazer. Lapis was not used to this. Usually, she would be the one teasing her dates, watching them squirm and giggle. Oh, how the tables have turned. 

"You really think so?" Peridot said, her voice soft. She was biting her lower lip and Lapis was filled with an urge to take the shorter girl into her arms. 

"You're different too," Peridot whispered. They were hit by an icy blast of wind and they both shivered. Their gazes met and burst into fits.

"This is so impractical," Peridot quipped. 

"Yeah," Lapis replied, "We're never letting them dress us up ever again." 

"Agreed. Are you ready to go? I don't want to freeze to death." Peridot said, her teeth chattering. Lapis peeled off the scarf she was wearing, wrapping it gently around the girl's exposed neck. "W...wha-"

"Take it," Lapis said, stopping Peridot from protesting. "But you'll be cold."

"Nah," Lapis smirked and she did what she had wanted to do since the first moment she laid eyes on Peridot. She stood behind the unexpectant girl, wrapping her arms around her, resting her chin on the girl's blonde hair.

"L...lapis?" Peridot stuttered. 

"Aren't you cold?" She teased. Peridot sighed, eventually relaxing, leaning back into Lapis's chest. 

"No, not really." She retorted, pouting a little before continuing, "What about you Lapis?"

The memories from earlier had threatened to pull her under. The phone call a reminder of a past she desperately wanted to let go. She had been drowning but somehow Peridot had appeared and saved her yet again. A smile on her lips. She was beautiful. Lapis chuckled, peering down, blue eyes meeting green ones. 

"No, I'm not. It all just left."

* * *

The house stood on a slightly inclined hill located just outside beach city. It was medium-sized had a quaint picket fence built around and was the only house in the neighborhood decorated with Christmas lights flashing golden, lighting up the gloomy surroundings. There were a couple of Christmas trees placed out front, each adorning their own decorations. 

Lapis chuckled, “I see where you get your obsessive side from.”

Peridot groaned and they made their way into the front yard. Lapis more than a little nervous about the prospect of meeting Peridot’s rumored parents. The girl rang the doorbell and the doors were flung open. 

"Dad! Mom!" Peridot chirped, a wide smile on her face as she opened her arms to greet them. Her parents a slightly handsome looking middle-aged man and a rather stern-looking woman ran towards her, taking Peridot into a group hug. "My baby girl, you're so beautiful." The man exclaimed. "Dad…" Peridot whine, protesting. Lapis hanging awkwardly back not knowing what to do. 

"Is this your friend, squirt?" The man asked. Lapis tensed as Peridot's parents gave her a once over. "Looking good," the woman chuckled and before she knew it, Lapis found herself pulled into the group hug. She was stunned and could only remain still as the greetings continued. 

After introductions and a quick tour of the house, Lapis found herself seated on a brown leather couch in the living room. A mug of hot chocolate was resting on a squarish coffee table that had an assortment of exotic scarves draped over it. The brick fireplace was lit, the scent of roasting wood drifting through the air. A painting that Lapis recognized as a replica of Van Gogh Starry Starry night hung from the walls above the fireplace. There were glass cabinets at the side of the room that held a variety of memorabilia from different countries. A bookshelf was located near the back of the room that was lit up with two tall English styled lamps. Family portraits stood on different sized tables. Pictures of a baby-sized to a grown-up Peridot pinned on every wall. 

Lapis's favorite was that of an eight-year-old Peridot dressed up in a Gundam robot costume for Halloween. The girl was grinning, sporting missing teeth, looking especially nerdy.

Peridot was in the kitchen helping her mother with the Christmas feast. Her Dad sat opposite her in a leather reading chair, looking at her through his glasses.

He looked like Peridot, green eyes and messy hair which was brown, not blonde. "So, you're the Lapis my daughter's been raving about," he started and Lapis fidgetted nervously as he stood from the chair scooting over. He was staring at the tattoo on her neck and she instinctively reaches out to cover it.

"Hmm…"

Lapis wanted to run away, slightly uncomfortable with the predicament she found herself in. Most adults she knew were wary of her, often giving her unfriendly and judging glares.

"That is so cool!" He exclaimed and Lapis was taken aback at the man's sudden excitement. 

"Can I see it? Where did you get that tattoo? Did it hurt? Man the black and white aesthetic is amazing. You basically have permanent manga on your body." He was launching into a rant, one that was similar to Peridot's. 

Lapis couldn't help it, she chuckled at his antics. Peridot was definitely a Daddy's girl. "It's the Azure Dragon from Chinese Folklore," Lapis said, pulling down her collar to reveal the Dragon Tattoo on her neck.

"Oh, and you got it because your well versed in Chinese mythology?" He asked and Lapis grimaced, looking at her feet sheepishly.

"To be honest, Mr. Costa, I thought it was the Kirin...from Monster Hunter." She muttered, purposely leaving out the part where she was drunk. The tattoo had been an after-party mistake. She had been together with a rather scantily clad girl, wandered downtown that night. Somehow or rather, the girl had convinced her to get a tattoo and in her drunken stupor, she agreed. The tattoo shop was unkempt and sleazy. The guy who worked there an old, middle-aged man with the dirtiest hands she had ever seen. 

She had taken one look at the designs, spotted what she thought was kirin and let the man do his work. It had hurt, but the alcohol numbed the sharp needle dotting ink into skin. She had woken up in the morning, half-naked, in the bed of a rather cheap motel. The tattoo there, her skin red and swollen. The girl from before sleeping, snoring loudly in the bed beside her.

Jasper and Rose had only laughed when they spotted the tattoo. Bismuth though had been livid and spent the remaining week educating her about the various dangers of sleazy tattoo joints and skin infections. 

Lapis grimaced at the memory and was only brought back to reality when Peridot's dad grabbed her shoulder. 

"You play Monster Hunter?" He asked, barely containing his excitement. 

"Yeah, occasionally," Lapis answered and he stood up rushing towards a closed cupboard located in an elusive corner of the living room. "Gialla, doesn't like these displayed, she says it's too ugly, but I got a feeling you'll appreciate these."

He opened up the cupboard, flicking on an automated LED light he had installed inside. There they stood on pedestals. Numerous Monster Hunters figurines displayed in full glory. Lapis's jaw dropped and the man's grin widened considerably when she gushed with childlike wonder. 

"What are your mains?" He asked, "I main hunting horn, I like trolling the kids." 

"Sword and Shield," Lapis answered, "I like pissing off the elites." They smirked at each other and broke off laughing. They talked more after that, discussing their favorite monsters to the ultimate weapon and armor to elder dragons and their hate for the handler. It was weird talking to a man many times older than her. He possessed an innocent curiosity that reminded her of Peridot and she smiled when he showed her a figurine of Khulve Taroth. 

His excitement a replica of Peridot's. 

"John, stop boring the guest with your toys," Peridot's mother appeared from the kitchen. The slightly taller, blonde-haired woman with the chestnut brown eyes was carrying a turkey plate setting it on the dining table. 

"She's not bored, Gialla," John said pouting, he turned to Lapis, "You're not bored right?"

"No," Lapis chuckled and he grinned. 

"I see," Gialla replied, eyeing Lapis carefully before smiling, "Peridot I thought you said she was the 'cool' kid." She teased her daughter who folded her arms in defiance. 

"She is!" Peridot exclaimed, "Lapis's the coolest person I know. She plays games, talks to everyone without discriminating, plays in a band, has a fan club, sings like a rockstar, is incredibly strong and-"

"Ok, Peridot," Lapis cut the girl off growing increasingly flustered. "Too much information."

"But...but-"

"Peridot," Lapis warned and the girl grumbled. The two older adults glancing at both of them before breaking out into laughter. A while later, Lapis found her plate filled up with an array of meats, vegetables, and pastry fillings. A piping hot bowl of freshly made mushroom soup placed before her. The main dish, a thin-crusted freshly baked Italian Pizza. She took a bite and was immediately asking for seconds. Gialla pleased with Lapis's reaction piling up her plate with more. 

"Told you Mom makes the best pizzas," Peridot said through stuffed mouth. 

Dinner went on, Peridot's parents making easy conversations, passing remarks and asking questions. As Lapis watched the interaction before her, she felt a slight pang of envy. Was this how a real family was supposed to feel like? Their conversations open and free, withholding no tension, no unanswered questions. There was no shouting, no screaming, no blaming, no dead silences that would stretch out for days. Here, huddled together, in the Costa’s household, it had been just warm. 

"Your parents are pretty cool," Lapis commented a while later. She was by the sink scrubbing the plates clean under the running tap. Peridot stood beside her drying the dishes with a clean towel. 

"Cool?" Peridot snorted, "more like embarrassing."

"Really, P-dot, your mom's like a walking encyclopedia. She practically knows everything and your Dad, your Dad has the largest collection of...anything I have ever seen."

"Just because my mom knows plenty about Fine Arts doesn't mean she knows everything," Peridot retorted, "You're just biased because she knew who Claude Monet was."

Lapis frowned before flicking a few drops of soapy water onto Peridot's face, foam landing on the tip of her nose. Chuckling when Peridot protested. 

"What was that for?"

"You shouldn't talk shit about your parents Peridot, you practically came from them."

"Aye, but I'm much cooler."

Lapis snorted, flicking a few more pieces of foam towards the girl. 

"Peri, I said your parents were cool." She teased. 

"Ok, you'll now face the wrath of the great Peridot!" 

Before they know it they were flicking bits of foam at each other, giggling at their plight. There was a knock on the kitchen door and they paused turning to find John and Gialla standing by the kitchen door well kissing each other passionately. 

"Oh wow…" Lapis muttered turning away and Peridot threw the towel in the air screaming.

"Mom! Dad! What the hell!" 

The adults pulled away. John pointing to the mistletoe hanging by the door well. 

"It's a tradition, squirt, you see this every year," he shrugged and was about to kiss Gialla again when Peridot ran towards them shoving them. 

"Not in front of the guests!" She seethes.

"Ah, you're under the mistletoe," Gialla pointed out and before Peridot could do anything, her parents were hugging her giving her multiple kisses on the cheeks. 

Lapis breaking out into fits for a long time after that. After helping them dry the dishes, Peridot's parents lead them towards the living room, there strewn on the coffee table to Peridot's horror and Lapis's delight were family picture albums. "Oh look at you Peridot, you were so cute!" Lapis squealed at a three-year-old Peridot who was holding up a sword doing a pose with a makeshift cape. 

"Why are we doing this!?" Peridot protested trying to take the album but Gialla held her back. 

"This was the first-day Peridot peed in her bed, she was four," John explained a picture of a crying Peridot, clutching to a teddy bear staring at white sheets hanging from the laundry line. "She said she didn't need diapers anymore and we trusted her."

"Oh, how wrong we were," Gialla continued.

"MOM!"

"When did you stop?" Lapis asked and Peridot hits her with a flying pillow.

"Seven," John chuckled.

"DAD!"

"Don't worry Peridot, I won't tell anybody."

"Lapis, you have your phone out. You better not be messaging Amethyst."

"No worries P-dot, it's just the group chat."

"LAPIS!" 

The girl launching herself forward and they landed in a mess of limbs and arms, Peridot's parents smiling at their antics.

There were pictures of a younger John and Gialla too. John looking especially nerdy, with flannel checkered t-shirts, a belt, and high waisted pants. Gialla was beautiful, sporting long blonde hair, freckles on her pale cheeks, dressed in a white blouse and medium length brown skirt. “Brings back memories,” John said, nuzzling Gialla in the neck and the woman chuckled.

“We’re still here!” Peridot reminded them.

“That was the first day we met, Peri,” Gialla said. “Your Dad a newly minted member of the computer club had asked me for a picture. He told me and I remember this clearly, ‘Mam, we’re testing out some new technology and need some pictures of the student body to test it out. Would you mind taking a picture with me?’.” 

“Cept, there wasn’t anything to test. I just really wanted her picture,” John continued, grinning widely. “It was one of my best achievements.”

“Oh god,” Peridot muttered and Gialla rolled her eyes.

“I knew, John,” Gialla said winking and the man gaped. “Wait, what!?”

“I knew who you were, I’ve seen you around sometimes taking care of some stray cats at the back of the university. I was intrigued by you and when you asked for my picture I was thrilled.”

“You never told me!” John exclaimed. 

“You never asked.”

“You’ve been played Dad,” Peridot laughed and Lapis poked her in the forehead. 

“I see where you got your dorkiness from.” she teased. 

“Hey!” 

Both man and girl exclaimed, Gialla catching Lapis’s gaze and they giggled. 

A while later, Gialla was flipping through Peridot’s High School graduation album. 

"Peri...Goth much?" Lapis asked looking at Peridot’s class photo. The girl was dressed in all black. Her nails were painted black and she had on a studded choker. Peridot spluttered, yelled in surprise and with all her might slammed the album shut. 

Her parents broke out laughing and Lapis raised an eyebrow, a smirk breaking out on her lips. 

"That...that was years ago, I do not want to talk about it!" 

"Hmm…" Lapis hummed and Peridot fell into hysterics, Lapis chuckling. 

"Peridot," she teased taking a hold of the girl's hand, calming her down. "Relax, I thought you looked good."

The girl turned a deep shade of red, failing to hide her blush and Lapis released her, suddenly realizing that Peridot's parents were looking at them. 

"Well," she coughed, trying to ease the slight tension that had appeared suddenly, "It's still pretty funny though. What were you trying for? Avril Lavigne?"

“I think she said something about an Evanescence,” Gialla teased and Lapis choked on the hot chocolate she was sipping, laughing a little at the revelation. 

"Shut up!" Peridot moaned. 

They played some charades after that. Peridot and her Dad being surprisingly good at them, winning the game by a mile. The night wore on and soon it was time for desserts. Gialla proceeding into the kitchens to make preparations and Peridot following after her. 

Lapis taking a sip of hot chocolate from her mug with John staring carefully at her. She was starting to feel slightly uncomfortable and was about to move when he spoke. 

"Lapis, how did you meet my daughter?" Lapis flinched, not sure how to answer that. 

"She was working the midnight shift...I wanted a smoke and needed cigarettes..." as she said this John's expression turned dark, "I stopped smoking," she interjected, "I stopped when I knew about her Asthma. I couldn't do it...after knowing about her ailment." 

She paused, turning to look at the man with determination, “I would never do anything to hurt her.” 

She pulled out the nicotine gum from her pockets and the hardened gaze in John's eyes softened. "You really care about her, don't you," he whispered and Lapis clenched her fist nodding. 

"She's…" she trailed off, smiling softly remembering the times she spent with Peridot. "She's really special..." She muttered, "Friend." She added quickly, suddenly realizing that she had said something she shouldn't have. She gulped when John stared at her and then he smiled. It was the brightest smile she had ever seen and gasped when he gave her a quick hug. 

"My daughter might be a pain in the arse, a nerdy kid who takes too much after her useless Dad, but I love her. She is everything to me," he said, "I would protect her until I die. But I did promise myself that if the time comes and she finds somebody else who loves her as much as I do...or even more, I would pass that baton." 

"Mr. Costa, I'm a girl...You can't possibly-"

He cut her off, "You make her happy Lapis. It's the first time in a long while I've seen my daughter this way. Ever since High School, she's been a brooding mess, not letting anyone in until you. She met you and she's back. My daughter is back. You mean a lot to her and I don't care if you're a boy or girl or anything in between. Lapis, all she talks or thinks about…is you."

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" 

There was a seriousness and sincerity in his words and Lapis nodded slowly. "Yes…" she whispered, suddenly breathless. "I understand."

"Dad, what are you doing?!" Peridot's voice interrupted the moment. John gave Lapis a meaningful nod before turning to the desserts spread out on the table. Lapis still stunned by what happened not tasting much of the sweets. Her gaze lingering on Peridot.

** _How are you going to protect her? You can't even protect your own sister? Lapis what the hell are you doing! Leave right now! _ **

"You ok, Lapis?" Peridot asked, her hands wrapped around her own, her gentle green eyes filled with concern. And she was struck with so many emotions she couldn't move."She's fine, Squirt, give her some space, I think she had too much dessert." John replied, and Lapis breathed out a sigh, forcing a smile. 

It was late by the time they finished with dessert. A Christmas carol was playing from an antique radio placed on top of the fireplace. John and Gialla were cuddled on the sofa and Lapis offered to do the dishes. As she wiped the last of the dishes dry and was about to exit the kitchen, Peridot walked in and they stood by the door well, mistletoe above. 

“You're under the mistletoe!” John called out. The two girls paused, realizing the predicament they were in. 

“Dad what the hell! Are you crazy?!” Peridot shouted and John sharing a meaningful look with Lapis. 

**_I’m passing the baton, Lapis._** He mouthed silently and time stopped. The flustered girl before her ranting, her soft curves, her green eyes, her slightly tanned skin, her red...lips.

“Hey,” Lapis called out and Peridot turned, eyes widening when Lapis cupped her face. “We’re under the mistletoe.” 

“L...La...Lapis…” the girl stuttered and Lapis leaned down.

** _You’re going to hurt her._ **

**S**he stopped. She couldn’t do this…

“I’m sorry Peridot, I don’t thin-” she paused and broke out laughing at the girl’s puckered lips. Peridot had her eyes closed and was waiting in anticipation. She looked weirdly cute at that moment and yet very comical.

“What...what- You- Stop laughing!” Peridot shouted, stomping her feet as Lapis doubled over. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t, ha ha ha…” 

“That’s it!” 

Something gripped the collar of her blazer, pulling her down. She gasped and felt soft lips on her forehead. She pulled away quickly and found herself staring at a very red Peridot. In shock, she reached for her forehead. 

“Way to go squirt knew you could do it!” John cheered, Gialla clapping behind. 

“Peridot?” Lapis whispered.

“You clod, stop teasing me.”

It was warm, too hot and for the remainder of the night, Lapis sat daze. The world seems brighter and the weight constantly weighing down, becoming lighter. The bell chimed and it was time to give the presents. Lapis handing the smaller ones to Peridot’s parents who gushed in delight. Then she handed Peridot’s hers and the girl practically ripped the wrapping apart. She gasped at the book that laid before her. “Is this…” she whispered and Lapis gave her a sheepish smile. “Yeah.”

It had taken her weeks to get it. She had scoured the internet and met with a rather sleazy looking guy a week after to collect it. It had cost a bomb but Lapis did not care. Peridot was worth it.

“A signed copy of Stephen Hawking first book!” she exclaimed, the girl bounded over hugging Lapis tightly. A giant grin broke out on Lapis’s face which she hid as soon as she saw the knowing gazes on Gialla’s and John’s faces. _ They know… _

“Here you go,” Peridot said a while later giving Lapis a haphazardly wrapped present and Lapis opened it slowly, not wanting to rip apart the note that Peridot had written on the wrapping. 

“Surprise,” Peridot grinned. In it was a 1954 original figure of Godzilla. 

“Oh Peridot,” she whispered and the girl chuckled. 

“You two must really like each other,” John interrupted and Peridot spluttered.

“No! We’re just friends!”

“Sure,” Gialla continued, “Friends.” 

“Mom? Dad?”

“Where are our presents squirt,” John asked, ignoring the puzzled look on Peridot’s face. He passed Lapis, winking at her and she turned to look at the figurine in her hands. It must have been expensive and a pain to find. Peridot was bad with strangers but she must have talked to quite a lot to even get her hands on this. Just thinking about the trouble the girl must have gone through made her heart soar. 

** _What are you doing? Leav-_ **

**No. **Silencing the voice in her head. 

**She did not want to. **

It was snowing when they left the house. Lapis bidding Peridot’s parents good night. John grabbing her by the hand, squeezing it tightly. “Take care of her, Lapis.” Lapis nodded and the man smiled, bidding her a good night. Lapis walking Peridot towards the dormitory, listening as the girl gushed about the book Lapis had gifted her. They paused outside the house and it was quiet. The street lamp above them bathing Peridot in bright light, illuminating Peridot’s features. Her white dress, soft curls, slender, petite body. She was alluring, bright in the gently falling snow. 

“Did you enjoy yourself Laz?” Peridot asked, grinning. Her green eyes filled with affection and joy. “Lapis?”

She did. Only Peridot could make her feel this way. It was slightly overwhelming but there was happiness and it was not leaving. She was afraid but for the first time, she wanted to try. 

“Lapis? Earth to Lapis.” The girl gasped as Lapis leaned in placing a gentle kiss on soft cheeks.

_ This is not enough. _ She pulled away and all she could see were red...lips. 

“La-mmpf.”

She tasted chocolate and it was sweet. Peridot’s lips were warm and it was like nectar. Lapis pressed, her hands reaching out, wrapping around, bringing Peridot closer. Closing her eyes, the world vanished and she was lost in the moment. When she pulled away slightly, their foreheads still touching, a smile graced her lips. Her heart racing at what she'd just done.

“What...what was that?” Peridot whispered.

“Peri,” Lapis answered, pointing to the mistletoe above the front porch. _ Amethyst must have placed it there. _ The girl flushed, eyes widening, fingers pressed against lips. Lapis cupping her cheeks affectionately. “It’s tradition.”

“You...you…” Peridot whispered before closing her eyes as Lapis leaned in once again, catching her lips in hers. 

“You clod.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is chapter 5. Not the last chapter, but I'll take a short break. Hope you enjoy this :)
> 
> Game Referenced:  
Monster Hunter World
> 
> Music Artist Referenced:  
Avril Lavigne  
Evanescence


	6. On the Nature of Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot figures out her feelings. Lapis starts a food fight. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’  
‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.” — George R.R. Martin

**Chapter 6**

**On the Nature of Relationships**

“What do you mean you're not a couple!” Amethyst seethes.

“Amy, please could you shut up,” Peridot muttered, placing a hand over the girl’s big mouth trying to silence the idiot who was bouncing in excitement. “She kissed you Peridot!” Amethyst pointed out and Peridot sighed, laying back down on her bed, pressing an arm over her eyes, trying hard to make sense of these confusing feelings. 

“Yeah, we kissed, it happened...but after that…”

“After that?”

The girl seemed wrong like she was going to cry. There was that pain again, wavering at the edge. “I’m sorry Peri,” the girl had whispered and Peridot had reached out for her. “Could you give me...give this...some time.”

And Peridot had nodded, understanding what the girl meant perfectly. It had been slightly disappointing but she wanted this to work out. She did not want to rush whatever this was and she knew she too, needed time. Try as she might, Peridot still could not understand the nature of their relationship. 

“We’re not ready, Amy,” Peridot said.

“Bullshit,” Amethyst snapped and Peridot sighed.

“Look, I know you want us to be together,” she said, “But it’s not going to work the way we are now. I’m still healing Amy, from what happened back then and Lapis...well I know Lapis, I know what she likes, what she hates but when it comes down to the things that really matter...I’m in the dark.”

“Peri, you’ve got to move on,” Amethyst muttered, “And the best way to do that is to get together with-”

“Why is it so important to you!” Peridot snapped, suddenly angry with her friend, “You never bothered back in high school! Look we both need time, I need time! We cannot be together, not now...because if she leaves I won’t be able to take it!” she cracked and Amethyst fell silent. 

The purple-haired approached her carefully, hugging her gently. “Ok, I’ll stop. I’m sorry, I just want you to be happy Peri.” she replied, “I can’t bear to see you miserable again.”

They stayed that way for a while, eventually, Peridot calmed down and Amethyst leaned back into the bed with her. “Urgh, why must relationships be so complicated!” she seethes and Peridot rolled her eyes.

“Life’s not easy, Amy,” she replied and the girl turned to her, a cheeky expression on her face. “Ok, but kissing is. So~ How was it?” 

Peridot groaned. “Really, Amy, must you involve yourself in everybody’s love life?”

“Ah-ha! You said it. Love life. You love her!”

“Wait, no!” Peridot stuttered, “Shut up Amy.”

As the Mexican continued her tirade her phone vibrated and Peridot blushed when Lapis’s name appeared on the private chat.

**Laz: ** _ P-dot, you interested in a live gig? _

“Oh, is that your gurlfriend?” Amethyst asked, smirking.

“Your insufferable Amy.”

“You know you love me.”

“I’m starting to doubt it.”

**Magnes: ** _ Yeah, I am :D _

**Laz: ** _ great! Tonight at 7 by the docks at Millie’s. I’ll see you there. _

**Magnes: ** _ ok :D can Amy come, she’s bothering me and she’s bored. _

**Laz: ** _ urgh, again. Sure fine, come, and if you’re reading this Amy, you better not be doing what I think you’re doing. _

Amethyst folded her arms as Peridot chuckled. “She treats me so badly,” she pouted. 

“Well, if you have kept your big mouth shut, Jasper, Rose, and Bismuth wouldn’t have found out about this kiss,” Peridot retorted and the girl smirked. 

“No one's secrets are safe with me Peri~”

“And this is why she treats you differently.” 

“Ok, fine,” Amethyst said giving up, then grinning jumping up and down in excitement. “A live gig tonight...oh I can’t wait. Come, Peri, we must dress up!”

“Why? It’s a small concert, not a bloody prize-giving ceremony.”

Her protest was ignored and she found herself being pulled out of her room. 

“We’re going shopping~”

“Oh bother.”

* * *

Millie's was a small open pub located at the main docs of Beach City. It was famous not because of the food but rather for its sunsets and cocktails. It was popular among couples and friends who just want a nice place to hang out after a day of activities at the nearby beach. Peridot had only been here twice, once with her family and the other time with Amethyst. It was exactly how she remembered it to be. It was tropical themed and seashell-shaped lamps hung from the poles lined beside the dock platforms. There were Hawaiian girls bobby heads on the counters. An open-air pub serving happy hour beers and bamboo round tables scattered around a stage decorated with Hibiscus flowers. They have arrived an hour early and the pub was not opened yet. 

"Stop fidgeting with your dress, Peri!" Amethyst chided and Peridot sighed. The girl dressed in a black long-sleeved one piece. After the shopping trip, Amethyst has once again forced her into a slightly sunny colored dress. It was a short-sleeved so to keep herself warm, Peridot wore a black leather jacket over it. "I look like a bumblebee," she muttered disdainfully and Amethyst smacked her, pushing her forward towards the stage area. 

"Don't be ridiculous you look good. You should have worn the contacts instead of those dorky glasses though," Amethyst said.

"Nuh-uh, the last time I wore those contacts I had red eye for three days. No amount of looking good could lead to so much pain," Peridot retorted and the purple-haired sighed. "Suit yourself, Lapis would have liked you better without your glasses."

"Lapis would have liked her even if she wore a garbage can, right Lappy," Bismuth appeared, her white teeth flashing, her rainbow locks ruffling in the strong sea breeze. Peridot tensed as Lapis approached. She was dressed in a simple white blouse, a brown leather jacket, and a green scarf. She wasn't wearing boots for once, instead, black flats replaced them. "Yeah," Lapis replied sheepishly.

"Oh aren't they cute!" Amethyst squealed and Peridot silenced her by stomping on her foot. The girl yelped and Peridot turned back to the blue-haired girl who was staring at her. She gulped.

It has been a week since the kiss and even though they talked to each other through the phone they haven't met up physically. It made Peridot nervous. She did not know how to react. Should she say hi? Should she pretend the kiss never happened? Should she act like she didn't care? She panicked for a bit and was about to make a very lame excuse of using the bathroom when Lapis greeted her.

"Hey," she said and all of her thoughts didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was the smile plastered on Lapis's lips. 

"Hey," she replied. 

"Ok Amethyst and I are going to grab the speakers from my car, we'll leave you alone for a bit," Bismuth said and the taller black girl grabs Amethyst by the shoulders, dragging her gushing friend towards the car park towards the entrance of the docks. 

They stood there for a few awkward seconds before Lapis signaled for her to come closer.

Peridot obliged bounding towards the blue-haired girl who was holding on to a jumble of wires and microphones. "What are you doing?" Peridot asked and Lapis handed her the wires. 

"Backstage stuff, small bands don't have the benefit of having their own backstage crew," she said. "Not that I really mind. Besides, you're here now, you can help."

"Really, Lapis, you called me here to be your assistant?" Peridot joked and the girl smirked, leaning closer.

"What were you expecting?" 

She was too close and Peridot pulled back a little, blushing. Lapis coughing a little too loudly, equally red. 

"So, yeah," Lapis continued, taking the wires back from Peridot. "We're doing some new songs tonight and Jasper said we needed honest opinions about them...and well we decided to invite some people we know." 

"Oh...so that's why Pearl said she'll meet us later."

"Yeah, and Rose is late...I wonder where she went," Lapis said sarcastically, "And Jasper...Jasper probably dicking around somewhere instead of helping." She stuck the wire into the stereo, before picking up the microphone. 

"Wanna hear something good," she said, giving Peridot a mischievous grin. She hopped onto the stage and lifted the microphone to her lips. 

"JASPER CALLAS HAS THREE NIPPLES!" She shouted, her voice bursting loudly from the speakers echoing down the docks towards the ocean's horizon. The staff preparing for the pub's opening, stopping to stare, some giggling others glaring at the outburst. Peridot stood in shock before bursting into a fit of laughter, Lapis joining in a while later. 

"Ok, looks like it's working fine," Lapis said after checking the equipment. She settled on the edge of the stage before reaching over pulling Peridot up. 

"Lapis?" Peridot asked and Lapis handed her a microphone. 

"What, Lapis...no, no, I can't…"

Lapis ignored her ramblings turning to the CD player by the side, switching it on. A very familiar melody playing through. 

"Seriously, We will Rock you?" Peridot asked.

"Come on, I need to practice and singing alone is boring." She said pouting and Peridot sighed. "I'm bad," she warned and Lapis shrugged. 

"I just need a singing partner, I don't care if you sound like Donald duck."

"Hey!"

Lapis chuckled, placing the mike close to her lips and sang. Tapping along as she went. She motioned for Peridot to join in and Peridot stared at the mike in apprehension then at the staff who were now looking to the stage. _ They would laugh at her. And call her names. She wasn't any good...who would want to hear her sing...nobody…why would they... _

** _Look at that stupid face. Hey Nerd, go back to your planet. Nobody likes you! _ **Voices from a distant time coming up and she froze. 

She was about to leave the stage when the girl gripped her. "Peri," Lapis said, nudging her gently, "You can do it."

There it was, that simple push that neither belittled or mocked her. Lapis was always encouraging her to try and slowly but surely, opening up her world. 

She sang, joining in when the chorus arrived, not caring about how she sounded or the stares she was getting from the surrounding staff. Lapis singing along with her. Their voices intermingled and Peridot sang louder, gaining confidence. The song ended and a smile flitted to her lips. There were some cheers from the staff on the floor and Peridot hid behind Lapis.

"Relax, Peri, you were good." Lapis chuckled. 

"That was nice," she admitted softly.

"Told you," Lapis whispered, "You can do it."

And it was hot, too hot. Lapis was close and she could hear her heart beating loudly in her ears. Was it hers? Or was it Lapis? She couldn't tell? 

_ What are we? _She wanted to ask but that was interrupted by a very irate Jasper who was running up the docks dragging a laughing Amethyst and Bismuth behind her. 

"LAPIS!" She shouted, "What the fuck were you doing screaming into the microphone!"

"Finally got your attention?" Lapis answered, "Where were you while I was doing all the work? It's your band Jasper, not mine."

Jasper spluttered. 

"Relax, she only told the world about your third nipple," Amethyst said, "We heard it a mile away." 

"Short stuff, I like you, but you're starting to piss me off. Besides, I do not have a third nipple!"

"Ok, ok, cool it." Bismuth interrupted, rubbing the tears of laughter from her eyes. "We got a gig and we need to get ready. Let's put this behind us."

Jasper snorted folding her arms and Lapis shrugged. Peridot chucking slightly when she stuck out her tongue at the orange-haired girl who did not notice. 

"Clod," she muttered before proceeding to help Bismuth with the tangled wires. By the time they were done, the sun was setting casting long orange shadows across Millie's wooden floorboards. The seashell lamps hung around the store were switched on and golden light illuminated the now open restaurant. 

"Ok, you guys find some seats," Jasper told Amethyst and Peridot, "We need to get ready. And can somebody call Rose before I pound her to the ground myself."

"She's probably with Pearl," Peridot said.

"Doesn't take a genius to figure that out," Jasper sighed and she motioned them to the seats that were already filling up with beach-going couples and college kids, the only group of people crazy enough to be here during winter. Amethyst choosing a table next to the open-air pub and Peridot sighing when she ordered a couple of beers.

"I swear you're an alcoholic," she eyed the glasses of cold beer with disdain and Amethyst shoved some towards her. 

"Lighten up, stop being a Pearl."

"The Pearl is here now, and that's the last beer you'll be ordering tonight," the taller girl appeared, dressed in a simple white blouse and skirt. Her usually neat pink hair was untidy though and her blouse collar was pulled up a little too high. She glared at them with folded arms as they stared at her appearance. 

"What?" She snapped, her tone stern, her face a little flushed and Amethyst smirked taking a swig from the beer glass. 

"That's a really big mosquito bite over there, Pearl," she teased pointing to Pearl's neck and Peridot frowned.

"That's not a mosquito bite, that's a hickey Amy," she chided and Pearl gaped at her, Amethyst breaking out, practically slamming the table as she laughed. 

"Peri, I swear sometimes you're amazing," Amethyst sniggered. 

"What did I do?"

"And she doesn't even realize it."

"Well at least she doesn't do it on purpose," Pearl snapped, smacking Amethyst on the back of the head. The purple-haired stopped, glaring at the girl and Peridot held her hands in front of both of them. "Guys, we're here to see a gig, not start a war." 

"Ok, ok," Pearl muttered, pulling the collar of her blouse up. "Let's try to be civil shall we...we're attracting a bunch of stares." 

Amethyst snorted and Peridot peered around, true enough, the other guest was staring and then she froze, her blood going cold, her hands getting clammy. She whipped around quickly and Amethyst grabs her. 

"What's wrong?" She asked noticing Peridot's frantic expression. She looked up and gasped. 

"Ok, what's going on?" Pearl asked raising her eyebrows and Peridot looks to the table, trying to control her raging emotions. The anger and the hurt she thought she quelled was still there, boiling under the surface. She felt physically sick and Amethyst gave her a concerned glance. 

"Do you want to go Peri?" She asked gently and Peridot could not answer. They were here, three of them, together, sitting on the table beside the stage. They looked different, having grown out of their teenage phases but Peridot would have recognize them anywhere. 

"Peri?"

Peridot took a shuddering breath before giving Amethyst and Pearl a strained smile. "I'm fine," she said, "I'll stay, besides it's rude to leave when we're invited."

Amethyst frowned and Pearl looks to both of them in confusion. "Ok, I won't ask," Pearl said, "But I would like some explanations later."

"That would be for the best," Amethyst replied, before slapping Peridot in the back. "Chin up," she said, "You're better now and you have people who would protect you. Let's enjoy ourselves!"

"For once I agree," Pearl said and signaled for a waiter to pass her some apple juice. 

"Pearl I got beers here, drink some and not that kiddy juice you always order."

"It's healthy and it keeps the doctor away," Pearl quipped, thanking the waiter who smiled at her. The food arrived later, a mixture of fried potatoes and calamari, coupled with some salads. Peridot remained silent as her friends chatted or in their case bickered. The food tasting of sandpaper, the memories from high school making it hard to concentrate. 

Kelly Wilson, Ramona Woods and Tessa Cox, Peridot remembered their names vividly. They were members of a science club Peridot helped set up in 10th grade. Kelly Wilson, a tall lanky redhead of Scottish descent was their president. She like Peridot was a maths whizz and they often found themselves in the teacher's room discussing the newest maths problems that came up. They were fast friends, holding similar interests and Peridot had adored her sharp mind. Ramona and Tessa thought were a very different set of girls. They had been Kelly's childhood friends and only joined the club because Kelly needed members. Ramona was a slightly plump girl who had rich parents. She was more interested in fashion and often used the club as a hookup spot. It was a well-known fact around school that Ramona was boy crazy and more often than not sent out with different boys at the same time. Their relationship was strained but she was friends with Kelly and a member of the club, so Peridot puts up with her antics, not saying a word when things got too far. Tessa Cox...Peridot did not know what to think of Tessa. The girl could be friendly if she wanted too, but there was always a catch with her. If she did something for you, she wanted something back. She was good in chemistry though and helped out sometimes during science fairs and conventions they participated in. All three had been her friends and they hung out, sometimes Amethyst would join in. It had been fun times and then the incident happened and it fell apart. The process so painful, Peridot lost her trust in people. It had gotten better over the years, mostly with the help of Amethyst and her parents, but that feeling of hurt and caution was always there. 

Pearl, Ruby, and Sapphire they were good people and Peridot loved them as friends but when it came down to it, she wouldn't trust them. She kept her distance, never revealing too much, never wanting to experience what she did again. 

After High School, she had moved, applied for a university that was so far out, nobody in high school would apply for. Her parents, for her sake, moved and they landed up in Beach City. Amethyst applying too, moving into the dorms. Peridot appreciated the purple-haired presence, but she felt guilty. Guilty that Amethyst chose her instead of her dreams. The girl wanted to be a professional cook, she had wanted to study in Paris but instead, she came here, to an unknown backwater University only known for its beautiful architecture to be with her. 

Amethyst said she didn't mind, but it still bothered her. The dorm had been nice, the university peaceful, she stuck with people she knew, not straying too far. She would be safe here, she had thought. They would never find her. Nobody would. And yet here they were, the universe, as usual, playing with her. 

"Peridot, you ok?" Pearl whispered and she forced a smile. Just then the lights dimmed, and the owner of the restaurant walked onto the stage. 

"Tonight we have a group of very special girls," he introduced, motioning to Jasper, Rose, Bismuth, and Lapis who stood by the stage. There were some cheers and the owner smiled. "Everybody the Homeworlds!"

Jasper picked up the bass, Rose the guitar and Bismuth readied her drums. Lapis walked to the mike and scanned the room, her gaze landing on Peridot. She smiled and Peridot gave her an encouraging nod. 

Lapis raised the mike and the music started. It was indeed something different. They weren’t doing their usual rock or pop covers, rather something that sounded a lot like folk. The beats came fast and heavy, the bass fading into the background of Rose’s fast strumming. Lapis tapping her foot along as she sang. 

_ “Hold on to me as we go.” _

Peridot found herself liking the tune. 

_ “As we roll down this unfamiliar road, although this wave is stringing us along...just know you're not alone because I’m going to make this place your home.” _

Lapis smiled, her gaze lingering on her for a moment longer and Peridot felt her fears melting away for that moment, her heart beating just a little faster. 

_ “Settle down it’ll all be clear, don’t pay no mind to the demons that fill you with fear. The trouble might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found. Know your not alone, cause I’m going to make this place your home.” _

The beat got faster and as Lapis sang the crowd began to cheer, stamping their feet to the tune. Rose did a solo riff and it echoed through, the song reaches its climax and the drums ending it with a loud thump. There was silence as Lapis place the mike down and then cheers. 

“Rose you did great!” Pearl shouted.

“Woo-hoo!” Amethyst cheered and Peridot smiled when Lapis looked to their direction. “How did you like it?” Lapis mouthed and Peridot gave her a thumbs up. The girl gave a euphoric toothy smile and the next song started. Peridot lost in Lapis’s voice, holding on to this peace. 

Thirty minutes later, the mini-concert ended and the owner thanked the Homeworlds before introducing the next performer onto the stage. The four girls bounded off the stage and Peridot watched amused as they were crushed and bothered by the restaurant guests. Then Peridot felt herself going numb. Lapis was approaching them and behind her tagging along were Kelly, Ramona, and Tessa, speaking animatedly.

“Hey,” Jasper greeted them first, sitting on the chair beside them, “Did you like the concert?” The orange-haired failing to notice the tension forming in the little group. She frowned when there was no answer. Rose and Bismuth sitting beside Jasper, giving them questioning looks. Lapis came last, clearly bothered by the three hyperactive girls whom were bombarding her with questions. 

“You were so cool! This is the second time I’ve seen you sing. Did you remember the last time, we were in that club, and you were doing these awesome-” 

“Ok, I get it,” Lapis said, chuckling nervously, “Do you three need something? Cause if you’re not I’ll like to join my friends now.”

“Oh no, we just wanted to talk...like hang out you know,” Kelly said flicking her hair and Peridot clenched her fist.

“Sorry, I already have plans,” Lapis continued, motioning to the table Peridot was seated on. “My friends are here and I would like to spend time with them.”

The three looked up and their mouths fell. Peridot tensing and Amethyst standing up, the chair falling behind her with a screech. “Lapis, you idiot,” she yelled and Lapis raised an eyebrow. 

“Ok guys, what’s happening?” Bismuth said, noticing the tension, even Jasper was silent. 

“Babe?” Rose asked and Pearl shook her head, standing in front of Peridot, glaring at the girls.

“Well, well, well,” Tessa broke the silence first, the girl smirked, “Peridot Costa fancy meeting you here again.”

“You got a problem with that!” Amethyst snapped and Lapis frowned. 

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on,” Ramona continued, glaring at Peridot, “You’re hanging out with a bitch, why don’t you ask her what happened in High School. She practically ruined Kelly’s life.” 

‘What?” 

“Peridot why are you so silent?” Tessa mocked, “Cat got your tongue, running away again?”

“Stop it guys,” Kelly spoke last and Peridot felt nauseous as the girl held onto Lapis’s arm. “It’s behind us now right,” she said, giving Peridot a weak smile, “You won’t hurt me again right.”

“Bullshit, I’m going to-” Amethyst was about to launch herself forward when Lapis pulled her hands away and before anyone knew what was happening, water was being poured down the front of their dress suits. There were gasps and the music stopped from the commotion happening in front of them. A waiter was running towards them.

“Is anything the matter?” he asked, clearly bothered by the mess they were making. Lapis had an empty jug in her hand and was glaring at the three girls with a fury Peridot thought the girl never possessed. 

“What are you doing!” Ramona shrieked, “We’re simply warning you. That girl is a bitch! She’s a fucking cunt-” 

There was a loud smack and the girl was on the ground, holding her cheeks in shock. Lapis above her, smirking. "Sorry, I thought I saw a cockroach,” she stated, her voice cold and mechanical. The three girls shrunk back as she neared them. “Did you think it'll be fine to come here and insult my friend? Leave!” she snapped. When they did not, Lapis took a tomato from the plate and threw it at them. It splattered on Kelly’s shirt and she shrieked. There was a flash of anger and then Tessa launched forward throwing food of her own. 

“Food fight!” a man shouted in a drunken stupor and then it erupted. Before long there were plates thrown all over the place, food scattered on the floor. The waiters and waitresses fighting to regain control. 

“Lapis…” Jasper groaned.

“Oh my god, oh my god!” Pearl shrieked. 

“We need to leave, now!” Bismuth shouted, protecting Amethyst who was laughing at the scene before them. Rose holding onto Pearl as they dodge a flying casserole. 

“Lapis, this is awesome!” Amethyst shouted.

“Do not encourage her!” Jasper snapped. 

Through the chaos, Peridot sat still, not moving. She could not speak, her lips quivering from the encounter. Their words biting deep into her chest. She could not comprehend what had just happened. She felt hands wrapping around her own, pulling her from the chair. 

“You’ll be paying for the mess later Lapis!” Peridot faintly heard Jasper calling out through the mess of smashing cutlery and plates. 

“Sorry, not happening,” Lapis retorted and the orange-haired yelled in frustration as she pulled Peridot out of the restaurant through the winding docks. They ran for a long time before collapsing on the beach, Lapis panting loudly and Peridot sinking to her knees trying to catch a breath. Then the situation came back to her and she panicked, looking to Lapis, grabbing the girl by the shoulders shaking her.

“Lapis, what the hell! You could have gotten hurt! What are we going to do, you just started a food war!” she exclaimed. The girl started laughing and Peridot frowned, about to scold her again when Lapis reached out, cupping her cheek and she fell silent. They were on an empty beach and it was illuminated by bright street lights. The dock just barely visible in the darkness of the night. Lapis’s blue eyes were filled with concern and Peridot felt herself waver. Before long, tears were rolling down her cheeks. It had been a long time since she cried, the pain and insecurity she had been bottling up releasing itself. Lapis pulled her closer and she buried herself in Lapis’s shoulder. The girl rubbing comforting circles on her back. 

“Are you ok?” the girl asked a while later. They were sitting on the beach, huddled together, trying to keep warm from the cold sea breeze. 

“I don’t know,” Peridot answered truthfully. “Lapis, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I ruined your gig…”

“Nonsense,” Lapis continued, “It wasn’t your fault Peridot, it was mine. They made me angry and I reacted, I shouldn’t have but I did.”

“But-”

“Who are they P-dot?” 

Peridot paused, swallowing the lump forming in her throat. _ Would she care? Would she belittle me? Would she pity me? _

“Friends...from high school,” Peridot whispered. 

“You call those friends?” Lapis asked.

“They used to be,” Peridot muttered, “We were in the same club and we worked together.”

“But then it fell apart, I made some mistakes and ruined Kelly’s chance of a scholarship. They have every right to be angry…”

“Peridot,” Lapis said, her voice firm, “Tell me.”

Peridot felt her resolve breaking and the words spilled. She couldn’t stop, she needed somebody to know.

“I had a thesis...and I’ve worked hard on it. I showed it to Kelly one day and she was excited for me. She told me to give it to her...she’ll show the professor my work. I trusted her and handed her the document. She passed it off as her own work...not knowing that the thesis I had was not finished and there were sources that I had not cited. It was practically plagiarism at that point, but she presented it anyway to a conference full of university professors at a Science Fair.”

“Naturally, she got caught and she was furious. She called me a liar and a cheat...and well…”

Peridot paused, the pain became too much. “I thought we were friends,” she whispered, “She was the first person I could actually talk too. She was smart, brilliant and when she did that I just shut down. She accused me of cheating, told the teacher that I framed her, but they would have none of it. Her scholarships were ripped and she was banned from the club. The teachers trusted me but the student body...”

“The rumors came later,” Peridot continued after a pause, “Ramona and Tessa helped. Apparently, I was the bitch who tricked Kelly into presenting that thesis. When I confronted Kelly about this she screamed and for some reason, she became the victim. Soon the entire school knew what happened and then...the bullying came next. My bag was thrown into the lake, some boys I didn’t know chased me one day and I ran, I got my head stuffed into the toilets...I…” Peridot closed her eyes, the terror making her shiver and Lapis pulled her in, hugging her tightly. “It continued for two years, my parents found out after the bruises...Amethyst tried to help me during those times but I pushed her away...she still stayed though. The school board came to know about this and well...I had to leave.”

“I moved,” she whispered, “I ran away, dragging my parents away from their jobs, Amethyst from her dreams. I’m weak, Lapis. I’m fucking weak.”

“I ran away,” She ranted, “Nobody blames me! Nobody. Not Amethyst, not Mom, not Dad! But there it is, the pity, I see it in their eyes. I-”

“Peridot,” Lapis interrupted her and she yelped slightly as she was pulled into a tight hug. “Lapis? Lapis, let me go, I need to-”

She felt the hug tightened.

“You’re strong, Peri,” Lapis whispered and Peridot paused. 

“What?” she choked, “Didn’t you hear what I’ve just said, I ran away!”

“Peri,” Lapis released her forcing her to look into blue eyes, “You’re strong. You might not know this but you have endured. They hurt you, they beat you down, but you’re still standing.”

“I’m barely standing Lapis, I’m so scared of everything, of trusting anybody-”

“Peridot, remember Lisa?” Lapis interrupted her, Peridot stopped, “Remember the night we first met?”

“Remember the party? Remember the dance at the arcade?” Lapis continued. “Yes you were hurt, yes, you're afraid, but Peridot, it was you who defended me from Lisa in front of a crowd, it was you who danced with me in the arcade when you could barely hold a beat, it was you who found me at the party even when you knew nothing, it was you who offered up a cup of coffee to a stranger you barely knew just because she looked cold. Peridot even when your scared or unsure you carried on. How is that weakness? At least to me, it isn't."

Lapis finished and her words stunned her. She felt the tears starting again and Lapis rubs them away. “Perhaps you need a different perspective. You’re strong, Peridot,” she whispered, the words echoing through her. 

“Clod,” Peridot muttered, “You big fat clod.”

“Hey, at least I’m right,” Lapis retorted.

“I can’t believe you threw water at them,” Peridot chuckled through her tears remembering the scene. 

“Well they needed to shut up,” Lapis said and Peridot sighed. “You’ll never be able to perform there again.”

“It’s alright, our reputation was already bad, to begin with.”

“Really, Lapis? What did you guys do?”

“Well for starters, Rose once set the stage on fire. Jasper had asked her to throw one of her burning cigarettes. The airheaded idiot flung it behind her instead. It landed on some curtains and the stage went up in smoke.”

Peridot gasped and Lapis chuckled. “Luckily Rose’s parents are loaded and they paid for the damages.”

“Wow…” Peridot muttered. “You guys never cease to amaze me.”

“Is that a good or a bad thing?”

“Hmm…”

She gasped as Lapis flicked a few droplets of seawater in her direction. 

“Lapis!” she exclaimed and the girl snorted. 

“Oh, now you’ve done it!” 

Before long they were in the shallows throwing water at each other. It was cold and Peridot’s teeth were chattering but just being with Lapis was enough to warm her up. The joy she felt from the words Lapis had uttered earlier filling her up completely. 

“Take this! Kamehameha!” she shouted, sending a burst of water into Lapis’s direction. The girl's already drenched suit got splashed and she laughed at the girl’s soaked appearance.

“Kamehameha?” Lapis asked.

“Wait. What. You don’t know what that means?”

Lapis smirked and Peridot realized her mistake too late. “Abugen!” Lapis exclaimed and torrential rain of water splashed over her. She fell into the water and choked, spluttering when strong arms pulled her up. She found herself staring at a concerned Lapis.

“You ok?” she asked and Peridot laughed from Lapis matted hair, before sneezing. 

“Ok, that’s enough we’re leaving this place.”

And then they were in a drive-thru diner. The waitresses giving them a disgruntled snort, peering at their drenched clothes and motioning for them to sit by the seats by the windows. A while later, a couple of dry sweaters and pants were placed on the table along with two cups of hot chocolate. The waitress a pretty looking black woman who was smacking some bubble gum motioning for Lapis to change.

“Thanks, Mary,” Lapis answered and the girl nodded. 

“You know her?” Peridot asked and Lapis shrugged. “She was Jasper’s Ex...we go back.”

“Hmm…”

“What? You jealous?” Lapis teased and Peridot spluttered. 

“No, why should I be jealous,” she started, squeezing the dry clothes tightly in her hands, not wanting to expose herself. 

“Really?”

“Really!” 

They entered the bathroom and found that there were no stalls. They stood awkwardly staring at one another, Peridot suddenly nervous about the aspect of changing together.

“I can wait outside if your uncomfortable,” Lapis muttered and Peridot stops her. 

“No, you’re cold Lapis, let’s get this done and over with before we freeze to death.”

She stripped first, pulling off her leather jacket and then her dress. She was about to put on the green sweater that Mary had provided when she felt arms wrapping around her. “Fuck, Peridot,” she heard Lapis whisper. She was pushed back and pinned to the ceramic walls. Lapis was before her, her face buried in her neck. She was so close, her hands hot. Her lips were soft on skin and warm, so warm. The girl was panting, a hand passing through her hair and Peridot's knees went weak. 

“Lapis?” she started not knowing what had happened. The girl was flushed, she was half-naked, light illuminating flushed skin, her soft breasts barely covered by the skinny black bra, her tattoo clearly visible...and it was hot. “Oh gods,” she whispered, feeling faint, “Lapis!?” she yelled. Lapis could not hear her. Clouded azure eyes gazed into her own, they were intense, filled with untamed desire. Peridot's heart race, pounding loudly in her ears.

“Peridot,” the girl whispered, her breath lingering on her neck and shivers ran down her spine making her shudder in pleasure. “Peridot...I…”

“Lapis!” Peridot shouted and then the girl pulled back in shock, gasping. They stood there for a moment, staring at each other. 

“Can...Can we change, please,” Peridot stuttered finding her voice first and Lapis gulped, nodding. They exited the stall fully dressed in sweaters and jogger pants, their wet clothes stuffed in plastic bags. Peridot’s heart still racing, the feeling of Lapis’s lips on her skin still tingling. 

They sat by the table, opposite from the other, Lapis fidgeting with her sweater, Peridot trying to distract herself by sipping the hot chocolate...but the question would not stop and Peridot needed to know, the need so strong it took over.

“Lapis, what are we? Why...why did you do that?” It spilled out and the girl froze. 

“Lapis?”

“Look, I don’t know,” Lapis replied, turning away, “I don’t know why I did it. You’re just so...you’re so…”

The girl leaned on the table, burying her face in her arms, her voice muffled. “I just wanted to,” she muttered. 

Somehow seeing Lapis so helpless made Peridot laugh, she could not stop. The girl peered at her through blue bangs. “You’re not mad?” she whispered and Peridot chuckled, reaching forward, ruffling her fingers through the girl’s hair.

“No,” she said, “Shocked...yes, but not mad.”

The girl breathed a sigh of relief before taking hold of Peridot’s outreached hand. “I don’t know why you put up with me,” she said softly. 

“Do you want me to answer that or should we keep the status quo?” Peridot smirked.

“Cheater,” Lapis retorted and Peridot giggled. They sat by the diner after that talking about the concert, about the song, about Jasper’s Ex, about the band's many mishaps than about Peridot...and about the bullies. Peridot spilling the details, Lapis listening patiently and the anger in Peridot held released itself slowly but surely. Then it was time to go and Lapis walked beside, holding onto her hand. Lapis’s bigger hand wrapping around her smaller one, fingers clasps tightly not letting go. She was humming the tune she had sung earlier, the lyrics barely audible.

And it struck Peridot, the messy feelings of happiness and comfort she always felt when she was with Lapis joining together, forming an answer that overwhelmed her completely. For years she had been alone, not trusting anybody, blaming herself for things out of her control. The anger of being blamed for something she did not do always boiling beneath the surface. She hated her weakness and she hid under layers but Lapis had came and for some reason, the layers she had built were peeled back and for a moment she could breathe, bathed in the warmth of Lapis’s presence. 

_ “If you get lost…” _ Lapis hummed, _ “You can always be found.” _

_ “Cause I’m going to make this place your home.” _

“Lapis,” she whispered and the girl paused. 

“Yes?” she asked, her wet hair, full lips, azure eyes, as blue as Spring skies...Peridot tiptoed giving the taller girl a quick kiss and the girl stumbled back, eyes widening.

“Peridot?”

“I’ll give you time Lapis,” Peridot answered, smiling, “But you can’t stop me.”

Peridot pulled away running ahead, turning around, thrilled by what she had just done. Lapis stood beneath the street lights, in a daze touching her lips. Peridot chuckling. “Lapis,” she called out and the girl smiled, “See you later.”

“Yeah.” the girl answered after a while, waving back. 

As the girl walked off, disappearing into the darkness, Peridot skipped. It felt considerably lighter. It had been years since she felt so happy. The hurt was still there, it will never be erased, yet, the weight was gone and Peridot felt like she could fly. 

_ What were they? _Somehow it did not matter anymore.

The song Lapis hummed earlier resounding in her mind and she hummed it back, the lyrics lingering in her mind. _ Lapis... _ Peridot finally realized; her feelings becoming clear, _ felt like home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's going to get a little darker from here on. So bear with me for a moment :) I hope you enjoyed this chapter. For those who reviewed and gave kudos, thank you very much, it means a lot. 
> 
> Songs Referenced (very good songs deserve mentions):  
We Will Rock you- Queen  
Home- Phillip Phillips 
> 
> Games Referenced:  
Street Fighter
> 
> Anime Referenced:  
Dragon Ball Z


	7. Of Black Holes and Red Crosses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot discovers a stranger. Lapis makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I felt like I was watching a dream I'd never wake up from. Before I knew it, the dream was all over."- Spike Spiegal, Cowboy Bebop

**Chapter 7**

**Of Black Holes and Red Crosses**

“That would be Two dollars and thirty cents,” Peridot monotoned, looking at the fat man before her. His kids were screaming, apparently denying a child of four, some sweets could unleash a demon. The man sighed and handed Peridot the cash before muttering an apology.

He left a while later, dragging his kid out of the store, the crying, and screaming disappearing into the distance. Peridot watched them go and smiled as the familiar sight of a blue-haired girl entered the store. She was wearing her usual black hoodie, but instead of ripped jeans, there were shorts instead. 

“Yo, P-dot,” she greeted and Peridot chuckled at the flower petals stuck in her hair. They were yellow coming from the Golden Chain Trees that were blooming outside. The flowers rustling under bright blue skies. Spring was here and the air was thick with new life and unleashed energy. 

“Back from your walk?” Peridot asked and the girl leaned on the counter. From her pockets, she produced a couple sprigs of wild yellow flowers. She placed them in Peridot’s hair. “Yeah it’s nice,” she answered when Peridot blushed from the contact.

“You really like taking long hikes, don’t you?”

“Yeah, and with the weather warming up, I thought we could have a picnic,” Lapis said and Peridot noticed the basket she had been carrying. It was covered with a red-checkered cloth and the contents were hidden but Peridot could smell the faint scent of peanut butter and she raised an eyebrow.

“We’re going now? I still have 30 minutes...and I’m tired from the overnight shift.”

“Well...I could always head back,” Lapis smirked and Peridot folded her arms. “Seriously, Lapis, you’re always doing things last minute...some planning would be nice.”

“And you hate it?”

Peridot paused, turning around, chucking the empty coffee cups into the bin. “No,” she muttered, truthfully and the girl chuckled. “I’ll wait for you,” Lapis commented.

“Why, you could wait here.”

“I would,” Lapis replied, “But Lars Barriga is coming and I rather eat poop then see him.”

Lars Barriga, Peridot co-worker a couple of years older than her was a third-year college student. He was rather annoying but Peridot knew he meant no harm. He was also quite the closeted nerd and when he found out about Peridot’s hobbies he was ecstatic. They made fast friends and Peridot enjoyed working with the guy. Lapis though, Lapis hated Lars. They had first met during one of Peridot’s many night shifts. It had been fine at first but for some reason after that, Lapis had grown annoyed and hated Lars ever since. Peridot had never seen Lapis act this way before and Lars...well Lars did not like Lapis either. Often scooting closer to Peridot when Lapis was near, before smirking. Somehow, that made Lapis madder which made Peridot even more confused. 

Their relationship was a puzzle and Peridot didn’t know what to do about it, so she ignored it. 

“He’s a nice guy Lapis, why don’t you give him a chance,” Peridot chided and the girl sighed. 

“I know he is, Peri,” she replied, “But that’s not the reason.”

“Then what is?”

Lapis looked at her for a moment and then shook her head. “You really are dense.”

“Hey!”

“Anyway, I’ll be waiting outside. See you later.”

The girl moved out of the store just as Lars appeared from behind the counter. “Yo, P,” he greeted smiling at her. His recently dyed pink hair bobbing as he walked towards her. “Yo,” she greeted and he scooted over, his eyes filled with excitement.

“Did you see the newest anime figurine Peridot! It’s amazing,” he exclaimed, pulling out his phone and there on the screen were numerous Gundam models.

“Are...are they limited editions?” Peridot gasped and the boy/man nodded. “Yeah, Sadie said they were, she told me about the exhibition this weekend and I was wondering…”

He spluttered and rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “Yes? Lars?”

Peridot grabs his shoulder in concern and he scooted back, his face growing red. “Are you having an asthma attack again?” she asked.

“What? Asthma...no, wait, I never had asthma, who told you that…”

Peridot frowned, looking at Lapis who was standing outside the store, peering at the blooming trees before her. “Lapis did...but are you sure? You always seem out of breath when you talk to me.”

“Oh...Lazuli did,” Lars spat out, his gaze hardened.

“Yeah, why?” Peridot asked.

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head and sighing. “Look I don’t have asthma...I just...I just wanted to ask if you want to go to the exhibition...with me.”

“Sure why not,” Peridot answered and the boy’s jaw dropped in disbelief. 

“You would?”

“Yeah, why won’t I, it’s a Gundam Exhibition right, and their limited edition models, you’ll bet I’ll be there!” Peridot said barely containing her excitement. 

“And I’ll go too,” Lapis’s voice sounded behind them. She walked over to the counter and glared at Lars who groaned.

"Lapis," he quipped.

"Lars," she greeted back. There was a tense silence and Peridot could feel the air teeming with bottled-up anger. A fight was about to break out and she raised her hands to stop both of them. 

"Guys, guys, stop, I know you hate each other but please stop this." 

"Peridot," they said together and she gulped when they glared at her. "Stay out of this." They snapped. 

"Seriously, how can I!?" Peridot shouted, slightly offended.

"What are you doing here again, Lazuli," Lars snapped at the blue-haired.

"What? You don't want customers?" Lapis retorted.

"Then buy something."

"I did," Lapis raised the nicotine gum she had been purchasing and he gaped. "Then leave," he snapped rather childishly and Lapis smirked. 

"Sorry but I can't leave without P-dot, we're having a picnic."

"Picnic!?"

"Yep, so see you later Lars," Lapis said before grabbing Peridot and pulling her across the counter. 

"Wait Lapis, I have to time out. I haven't changed! My stuff!"

Lapis ignored her and they walked out of the store down the pavements laden with fallen yellow petals and fresh green leaves. 

"Lapis!" Peridot protested, suddenly angry with the girl in front of her. "What was that!? I still have 10 minutes left and my stuff! Why do you always act like that when Lars is involved! Can't you guys be civil for once!" 

"Relax, he'll cover for you and we can go back for your stuff later," Lapis answered calmly.

"That's not the point Lapis! And why would Lars cover for me?" 

Lapis turned and Peridot gulped when blue eyes peered into hers. They were, as usual, dazzling, the color of the ocean and she found herself once again lost for words. 

"You really don't know, do you," Lapis said and Peridot frowned. 

"Know what?"

A wind blew past and Lapis's words were lost in the breeze. "What did you say?"

Lapis sighed, "Nothing, we're here though." 

"Here?"

Lapis placed a finger to her cheek and pushed and she found herself staring at a grassy field filled with an array of wildflowers of different colors. There in the middle stood a lone tree. It was short but its trunk was thick, it's branches long spreading out deep green leaves. The sun shined on the grass creating golden patches. Birds chirped, flying and landing on the grassy fields. Butterflies fluttering gently in the slight breeze. Just beside the field was a fast-flowing river, its banks covered with smooth pebbled rocks. The waters shimmering in the bright sunlight. Opposite the stream was a forest of Pine Trees and above them was a red bridge creaking softly. 

"Oh wow," Peridot muttered, her anger forgotten by the sight before her. "Lapis, this is amazing!" 

"Told you."

The girl leading Peridot down an inclined slope into the fields. They walked towards the tree, Lapis unpacking the unusually large basket. First, the cloth spreading it out beneath them. She weighed them down with a couple of smooth pebble rocks she collected from the river banks. Then she brought out the food. There were peanut butter sandwiches, egg salads, spaghetti, and some small yellow looking tarts. 

"Lapis, I didn't know you could cook?" Peridot marveled at the dishes and the girl shrugged. "You never asked," she replied. 

"I didn't make these though," she pointed to the tarts, "Mae sent them over, they’re Portuguese egg tarts she makes a batch every month." 

"Portuguese Egg Tarts?" 

"Yep, one of the best desserts in the world, melt in your mouth heavenly goodness." As she said this, Peridot's stomach grumbled and she frowned when Lapis chuckled. 

They settled into the mat, Lapis pouring green tea from a flask into paper cups and they ate, Peridot eventually taking off her work apron, laying it over green grass. The scent of fresh flowers and earthy soil waffling through the air. The food was good and Peridot soon found herself relaxing, resting her back against the tree watching the white fluffy clouds drifting by. 

"That looks like a bunny," she commented, pointing to one of the clouds. 

"Peridot are you blind?" 

"What?"

"That clearly looks like a swan," Lapis argued, the girl leaning beside her, a stalk of grass between her lips. 

"How in heaven's name does it look like a swan? That looks like ears and that," she pointed to the main body, "looks like a leaping rabbit."

"You mean a flying swan."

Peridot huffed, rolling her eyes as Lapis chuckled. "This argument would never end," she concluded. 

"Giving up so easily P-dot?" Lapis teased. 

"Giving up on what? This wasn't even a competition!"

"Well, it's still a swan," Lapis continued, a cheeky grin plastered on her lips. 

"It's a rabbit! No, I'm not starting this. You’re baiting me, I'll never win this...besides this is subjective."

"You can argue that," Lapis replied, twirling the stalk she had been chewing between her fingers, "I mean many things are, art, for example, literature, movies...how you interpret them is subjective but…"

She pressed the stalk of grass onto Peridot's nose, "not being able to tell the difference between a rabbit or a swan is not." 

"That's it, come here you-" Peridot launches herself forward, landing on Lapis trying to tickle the girl into submission, but the girl simply laid there staring up at her, an easy smile on her lips. 

"Try harder, I don't feel anything."

Peridot grumbled than gasped when Lapis sat up pinning her to the mat, tickling her and she reacted, laughing so hard that tears came out.

"Staph!" She protested, not able to enunciate properly through the intense tickling Lapis was giving her. "Say it's a swan," Lapis teased.

"Never!" 

"Then I'll continue," Lapis sniggered. In desperation, Peridot launches herself forward and taking Lapis down with her weight. Soon they were on the grass, Peridot straddling Lapis's midsection, looking down at blue azure eyes and flushed cheeks. They were both panting from the exertion and it was suddenly warm. 

"It," Peridot whispered leaning down, "is," she rested her head on Lapis's chest, closing her eyes, relaxing into the sound of the girl's heartbeat, "a rabbit."

There was a moment's silence and she felt arms wrapping around her, chin sinking into her blonde hair. "Ok, fine, it's a rabbit." 

They stayed that way for a long while staring at the sky making easy conversations that Peridot very much enjoyed. 

"So wait...you used to work in a bookstore?" Peridot asked astonished by the revelation. Lapis shrugged, "Yeah, and why is everyone so surprised about it?" She muttered, "It's not like I told you guys I sold drugs by the back alley in my youth."

"That would have been more believable," Peridot teased and Lapis frowned. 

"Is it because of the tattoo, its the tattoo right."

"And the ear piercings and the fact that you used to smoke." 

"That's discrimination," Lapis protested and Peridot giggled. "Hey, stereotypes exist for a reason. Sure there are minorities who don't fall into the categories, but the majority do." 

"Still, that's discrimination," Lapis huffed.

"Hmm...If I remembered correctly, you called me a nerd when we first met." 

"That's because you were wearing glasses and had your shirt buttoned up to the neck," Lapis snorted.

“Lapis isn’t that a stereotype,” Peridot concluded smirking and the girl sighed. “Yeah, but I was right, you were a nerd, so it doesn’t count.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Nothing does P-dot, nothing ever does.”

“I can never win can I,” Peridot grumbled and the girl chuckled. 

“So why were you working at the bookstore?”

“Want to take a guess?”

“A hot woman?” Peridot asked and Lapis gave mocking gasps that made Peridot giggle. “What! How did you know?!”

“Ok, ok, so it wasn’t a hot woman than what was?”

For a moment, Lapis did not answer and when she did, she was soft, her voice possessing a melancholy remembering days gone by. “My father used to read to us when we’re young,” she said, Peridot noticed her hands clenching. The girl’s eyes became glassy, carrying the same distance look she had when they first met. She was far away now grasping for something that Peridot couldn’t see. 

“Mal loved books,” she continued, “She would ask for more and more and Pappi would oblige. Everything she asks for, she got. I wasn’t much of a reader, but I did enjoy his stories. We would cuddle in his tiny bed. Mae would be there, stroking Mal’s head and I would be sitting beside, looking at the pictures in the book.”

“What books?” Peridot asked and the girl smiled.

“The usual,” she said, “Charlotte’s Web, Stuart Little, The trumpeter’s swan.”

“Again with the swan,” Peridot sighed and Lapis chuckled slightly, though it seemed forced like she was trying.

“Hey it’s a good story, you should read it,” Lapis commented, “Mal really liked it and I did too...there was something magical about a mute swan getting a trumpet and breaking free from his disability.”

“Ok I get it, you really love swans.”

“You could say that.”

“Well, after Mal’s death,” Lapis continued, wincing a little, “I was walking around town and I spotted this dingy little book shop just off the road. It was old basically a dump, but something caught my eye and there on the display shelves were the very books Pappi used to read to us when we were young. I know it seems dumb, but I took it as a sign from Mal. Like she was telling me, ‘Hey, look I’m still here.” I couldn’t leave, not after seeing that. So, I walked in and got a job.”

Peridot remained silent, not knowing what to say. Instead, she scooted closer, taking Lapis’s clenched hands in hers, rubbing comforting circles as the girl spoke. 

“Well you were right, I didn’t fit in. My colleagues were nice though. They were your regular bookworms, all uptight and serious, but they knew a lot of books...even the bad ones.”

“Like Twilight?” Peridot asked and Lapis gasps.

“You take that back, Twilight was a-m-a-zing.” 

“Are you serious Lapis?”

“What, not romantic enough for you?”

“Lapis, that book was as romantic as a donkey humping a dead wall.”

“Well if you put it like that…”

“What did you even see in that train wreck of a story?”

“Bella’s poetic whinings pulled me in. She was the best.”

“Don’t even get me started,” Peridot snapped.

“On sweet vampire sex?”

“Urgh, no.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lapis said, “Twilight was bad, but it was trashy in a good way, makes you...not think you know.”

“It’s still trash.”

“Still was a bestseller for three consecutive months,” Lapis reminded her and she groaned. Lapis chuckled. 

“Well, working in the bookstore was relaxing, it was quiet and the people were nice...some customers were idiots though."

"Idiots?"

Lapis smirked, raising her voice to a high pitch whine imitating that of a posh English woman. "Hi, I would like to search for a book, but I do not know the title or name of it...could you help me?" 

Peridot putting a hand over her mouth to quell the laughter breaking through. 

"Sure I could help you, mam," Lapis said, reverting back to her usual monotone, "I'll just need the title of the book."

"What the hell Lapis," Peridot choked.

"And get this P-dot," Lapis continued, "She actually had the title."

"Man oh man, was she drunk?"

"No, stupid yes, drunk, no...though now that you mention it."

"That's why I work the night shifts, I don't deal with crap like that," Peridot chuckled and Lapis shrugged. "You have drunkards and I have stupid, it evens out."

"That's savage, Lapis."

"Didn't bode down well with the manager though. I was always getting scolded but well...it had been fun.” 

"Why did you stop?" Peridot asked and Lapis shrugged. "Well Jasper needed a backup singer and the gigs paid more...and well...I thought...well…"

Lapis paused, Peridot noticing the girl trying hard to continue, the happy facade falling away and suddenly there was pain. 

“I don’t know what I was looking for,” she whispered.

“Lapis?”

Lapis sat up, placing a hand over her eyes. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“Lapis, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry, I’ll stop soon, I just...I just need some time.”

“Lapis, talk to me, you gotta tell me what’s wrong.”

The girl turned away and there it was again. The pain wavering at the edge. Lapis looked like she was drowning and Peridot could sense it. The way the girl held herself, the sadness always between them creating a rift that seemed to engulf. It was not letting go. 

“It’s nothing Peridot,” the girl whispered and then she pulled Peridot down with her and they landed on the grass. Peridot landing hard on Lapis’s chest and she groaned in pain.

“Lapis!?”

The girl chuckled and Peridot peered at her, the sadness once again hidden behind a mask. The mask a happy illusion that Lapis had constructed, hiding away the pain that she always carried. Peridot had a sudden desire to rip it off.

_ What are you hiding Lapis? What can’t you tell me? _

“Clement Walters,” Lapis started, interrupting her thoughts. 

“Pardon?”

“Clement Walters, mayor of the previous Beach City built that bridge,” Lapis continued and Peridot noticed the swaying red bridge, hanging above them across the fast-moving river. “It was said to be a link between the gold mines and he bought all of them. Then the mines crashed and he sunk into bankruptcy.”

“Lapis, what is the point in all of this?”

Lapis smirked, “Don’t tell me you haven’t heard about the ghost?”

Peridot tensed. “What ghost,” she shuddered, failing to hide the fear in her voice and Lapis continued.

“Well, he jumped off the bridge and ever since then...sometimes...it is said that if you look close enough…” Lapis said, her voice becoming softer and Peridot gripped on tighter to her sweater. “You’ll find him staring at you, shouting…”

“WHERE IS MY GOLD!” Lapis shouted and Peridot yelped leaping upwards and crashing into the tree. Lapis bursting out in laughter and she frowned. 

“Is that a joke! Was that your way of scaring me ass hole!?”

“It worked didn’t it,” Lapis said and Peridot smacked her over the head. Peridot anger melting away at the sight of Lapis’s laughter. The misery and sadness the girl carried earlier gone. _ She’s fine...she is doing fine...right? _

“Just you wait Lapis, I’ll get my revenge,” she said.

“Sure, but hey, isn’t that…” Lapis jokes, pointing to the river and Peridot tensed.

“Lapis!”

“Ok, ok I’ll stop.” Lapis sniggered and they laid by the tree again, finishing the remaining food and drinks. They spent the remaining morning lazing about, dipping their feet into the cool water of the river, playing with the water. Lapis casually mentioning the suicides that had occurred here and Peridot shivering at the prospect of ghosts.

“Why do you know so much about the bridge, Lapis?” Peridot asked later as they sat by the pebbles drying off their wet legs and drenched clothes. The girl paused and Peridot was suddenly struck by how peaceful the girl looked. It scared her. She did not know why but it did. Lapis stood up, reaching over to help her up. “It’s a secret.”

“Lapis?”

“Do you wanna come over Peridot?” Lapis asked, giving her no time to collect her thoughts.

“Come over? What?”

“To my dorm, I’ve finished the mural,” Lapis continued and Peridot folded her arms. 

“Again with the last-minute plans,” she chided and the girl chuckled.

‘What can I say, I’m a woman of action.”

“A woman without plans you mean,” Peridot complained.

“So? What’s the verdict.”

Peridot sighed, “Do you have to ask?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll go.”

“Was that so difficult?” Lapis teased and Peridot punched her gently across the shoulder. 

“You clod,” she whispered, hiding a small smile. No, it hadn’t been difficult...it never was. 

* * *

There were monsters in her head all peeking out, waiting. As Lapis watched Peridot entering the convenience store yet again to collect her stuff and apologize to Lars, the monsters came back. 

_ She'll be better without you. _ They whispered. _ Look, just give it up Lapis. _

But the girl was here, green eyes and blonde hair, always giving easy smiles, genuinely happy to see her and the monsters vanish for a while. She had lost it earlier, almost revealing a side she never wanted anyone to see. And yet buried in her misery, surrounded by the warmth of Peridot's presences, the words spilled and she had almost revealed everything. 

"Ready to go?" Peridot asked, she wasn't dressed in her uniform anymore instead wearing a black alien tee and cargo pants, a light jacket draped over her shoulders. 

"How many of those do you have? An infinite number?" Lapis teased pointing to the t-shirt Peridot wore and the girl folded her arms giving her a pout. _ Cute. _

"I have you know that that's not possible."

"Why?"

"Because infinite somethings would never exist."

"And you took it literally?"

Peridot spluttered, "Yes!" She snapped and Lapis laughed, rubbing the girl's head, messing up her unruly blonde hair as she protested. 

They made their way to the dormitory, taking the bus first and then walking up a steep hill. "When you said it looked like a dump...you weren't kidding," Peridot commented and Lapis chuckled. The small house sitting lopsided, the paint job they did a year ago peeling off.

"The inside's fine," Lapis assured her, pulling the girl in, walking up the creaking porch and unlocking the front door. They were greeted by loud laughter coming from the living room. Lapis sighed.

"I'm sorry Peridot, they weren't supposed to be here."

"Cause we're skipping!" Jasper shouted, emerging from the room filled with bean bags, a rounded coffee table, and a huge LCD TV screen. She was holding onto a game controller, a smirk on her lips when she saw Peridot. 

"Wow...wow...wow…" Jasper said and she bounded forward grabbing Peridot by the hands before Lapis could stop her. 

"Jasper!"

"Peridot your like the first person Lapis ever brought over," she teased and Lapis hit the girl over the head, taking the blushing girl back. Curse that asshole, she should have known they were home. "Don't you have classes, Jasper...Rose! Bismuth going to have a fit."

"Actually, Lappy...I'm here too," the taller girl with the rainbow locks appeared, grinning sheepishly and she groaned. 

"Hey, it's ok, I don't mind," Peridot said, giving her a smile and she sighed. 

"Fine, if you say so," she said.

"Yo! She got you whipped bro!" Jasper laughed and Lapis snatched the controller out of her hands throwing it into her chest. "Shut up Jasper!"

Her childhood friend shrugged. "Hey shorty, want to leave this doofus and join the race. Need for speed heat is out and it's awesome." 

"You have a PS4?" Peridot exclaimed and Lapis sighed. As usual, the girl was being baited, her nerdiness taking over. 

"Well yeah, ever since Lapis so generously gifted me one, months ago."

"What?" Peridot asked, raising an eyebrow and Lapis felt the need to change the subject. 

"Yeah didn't need it anymore, go on, we can view the mural later," Lapis said nudging Peridot forward towards the living room. The girl though shook her head, wrapping her fingers around Lapis's. 

"I can play later, I rather see your art piece," she said, grinning widely and it was hot. Warmth engulfed her completely and the urge to kiss the girl was back. 

"Whoa…" Jasper's voice interrupted the moment and Lapis found all three friends staring at her with smirks on their faces. She groaned, they were never going to let her live this down. Before the could say another word she was dragging Peridot up the dingy stairs down the dimly lit corridors and into her room. 

Shutting the door behind them, she found Peridot chuckling at the picnic basket still in her hand. "They drive me crazy,” she protested, setting the basket down on the floor and Peridot nudge her. “Be grateful you don’t live with an Amethyst,” she said and Lapis sighed. 

“Is that supposed to comfort me?”

“I've tried.” Then she was silent, taking in the room before her. Lapis slightly nervous, looking to the huge mural covered with a long black tarp. 

“It’s...really empty Lapis,” Peridot said, her words truthful as always and Lapis tensed. She was right, her room was empty. It wasn’t always this way. There used to be books by the bookshelves, figurines lining around the, a television on the small table, bean bags that she had spent countless afternoons in. They were gone now and all that was left was a bed covered in blue sheets, a study table which she used rarely and her mural. 

“I needed space,” Lapis said, “For the mural.”

“So you gave away all your stuff?” 

“Heh...yeah,” Lapis answered sheepishly and the girl frowned. “Even the PS4?”

“I was getting bored of it, besides I was planning to get a switch,” she made the excuse and the girl stared at her, her green eyes boring into hers and Lapis gulped, struggling to maintain her composure. 

“Ok,” she said before turning to the mural. “I want to see!” she said excitedly and Lapis gave a sigh of relief. She walked over to the mural she had spent months on, a little nervous about the prospect of showing it to anyone. Nobody had seen it and she wasn’t sure if it was any good. She peeled away the tarp and behind it, her painting stood. The watercolors running down the white canvas, dotting the white space with bright colors. She heard Peridot gasps and was surprised to see the wonder in green eyes. “Lapis…” she whispered, “It’s beautiful.”

“W…what?” Lapis stuttered, suddenly embarrassed. All she did was took aspects of Claude Monet’s works and pieced them together. The woman with the parasol standing in the midst of water lilies and running along orange sunsets turning into snowy landscapes. It hadn’t even been an original piece and the girl said...it was beautiful. “It’s like...an illusion, whoa Lapis...this is…”

“Is that a fish pond?” she pointed to the left side of the canvas and Lapis nodded slowly, smiling a little as the girl gushed at the painted koi. Well...that had been original. It had taken her weeks to perfect that aspect and she was glad somebody appreciated it.

“This is amazing, you’ve got to display this!” she exclaimed and Lapis chuckled. 

“I don’t need a display, Peri,” she whispered, taken hold of the gushing girl and pulling her onto the bed. They landed on the sheets, Peridot in her arms, the girl shocked by the sudden movement. Green bashful eyes stared into hers and she chuckled at the redness appearing quickly on Peridot’s cheeks. Thrilled that the girl was feeling the same. “All I need is you telling me how great I am.” she joked and the girl frowned.

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day,” she retorted and Lapis laughed. The girl leaning closer, “Stop teasing me, you clod,” she whispered. ** _Why are you here? _ ** Peridot placing a soft kiss on her cheeks and Lapis responded, hugging the girl tightly not wanting to let go. Soon, the girl was asleep, snoring softly in her arms. She must be tired after her overnight shift. _ And yet she still came… _

Lapis released her slowly, tucking her in with the blue sheets watching as she sniffled slightly from the disturbance before settling again. It was evening now and an orange hue from the setting sun filtered in through her window cast itself onto Peridot, illuminating the girl in golden splendor. Lapis reached out, running her fingers gently down the girl’s cheeks, her hands lingering over her luscious lips and she smiled. 

“What is she doing!?”

“Come on LL, you can do it.”

“Guys, you’re too loud...this is so not a good idea.”

“Relax Bis, she can’t hear us.”

“They're so slow, so fucking slooowww…”

Lapis clenched her fist walking towards her slightly open door and pulled it open. There was a yelped and then a loud thump. Rose and Jasper on the ground, Bismuth standing chuckling nervously. 

“Wh...what’s going on?” Peridot asked, waking up from the commotion.

“Get out!” Lapis snapped and Jasper folded her arms, Lapis not liking the look on her face. 

“What are you guys waiting for?” she asked and before Lapis could stop her, Jasper had pushed her. She stumbled back and crashed into Peridot. The girl landing on the study table, the drawers flinging open. “Ouch,” she moaned and Lapis paused, her blood running cold. 

Peridot turned and she paused, the contents in the drawer exposed for the world to see. 

** _You thought we’ll let you go?_ **

There were monsters in her mind, always peeking around the corner, waiting to appear. The good feelings vanished and all that remained was a sinking abyss. 

** _We’ll never leave._ **

* * *

Packets of white pills, a calendar marked with red crosses, some scribbled out others new and then crossed out. Lapis slammed the drawer shut and Peridot gulped looking at Lapis who had stood up, pushing her friends out, locking the doors behind her. 

“Idiots, all of them!” she snapped, “There is no privacy in this fucking house.” 

She seemed normal but Peridot could see the desperation in her eyes. There had been pills...Xanax and Lexapro pills Peridot had heard off. Her suspicions grew and she stood up slowly facing the girl who was pulling the black tarp over the mural. “Lapis?” she whispered and the girl paused. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s ok Peri,” she answered, a little too quickly, a wry smile on her lips, “It wasn’t your fault.”

“But-”

“I said it’s ok,” Lapis said, her tone finale and Peridot held back, biting her lower lip. Lapis finished pulling the tarp over her painting. _ Say something! Say something you fucking idiot! _ She scolded herself, but she couldn’t...not now, not when she didn’t know anything.

“Want to head down for dinner, I’m famished,” Lapis said, her tone light once more, a smile forced onto lips and Peridot felt a chill going down her spine. It hit her like a ton of bricks.

“Lapis, what are those...pills?” she forced the words out and the smile vanished, replaced with a blank empty look. It was the same look Peridot had seen in documentaries, of people in tepid places ravaged by wars. The look of a person who had given up on everything. Suddenly, the emptiness of the room made sense and Peridot took in a sharp breath, something was falling into place, she couldn’t quite grasp it, but it was there, the answer just at the edge. 

“Stomach pills,” the girl lied, her voice wavering. Peridot rendered speechless could only nod as Lapis pass her, opening the door behind her. “Come on, let’s go,” the girl said and Peridot followed. They exited the empty room, down the darkening corridor and into the kitchen. Peridot greeted by the smell of garlic rolls and freshly baked lasagna. A salad was placed on the small rounded dining table. 

“We’re eating out,” Lapis concluded looking to the prepared food and the smirking faces of her three friends. There was hidden anger that Peridot had not noticed before and she realized the tension rising in the room. 

“Eating out Lapis? Why? We just prepared dinner.”

“Look, Peridot’s tired, she doesn’t need to stay here longer than she already has.” Lapis sighed. Somehow, the words stung and Peridot found herself sitting in one of the chairs, glaring at Lapis. “I’m staying, I would like to eat some home-cooked dinner,” she said and Lapis gaped at her, before relenting, grumbling as she sat in the chair beside her.

“That’s the spirit!” Bismuth chuckled. A while later, with the food spread out, they began to eat. Jasper, Rose, and Bismuth making light conversation, teasing Lapis who ignored them. 

“What do you mean your not a couple?” Jasper snapped at the revelation, turning to the blue-haired who frowned. 

“Jasper…” she warned.

“You guys kissed, Lappy, and you’re not?”

“She needed time,” Peridot interrupted and the table went silent, “And I respect that.”

“Ok, we’ll stop… though LL how much time do you actually need?”

“Time away from you guys!” Lapis snapped and they burst out laughing. 

“Well you sure didn’t take your time with the countless girls you’ve met at our live gigs,” Jasper commented, smirking. Peridot tensing and watched as Lapis clenched her fist. 

“Jasper,” Bismuth warned and the orange-haired shrugged, “It’s true, she was your natural Cassanova. The girls were falling left, right and center. I still wondered how she did it...for as long as I knew her, Lapis had as much charm as a potato.”

“And you have as much charm as a garbage can,” Lapis retorted, snorting, breaking through the tension and they laughed at Jasper’s expanse. 

“The last time she brought home a girl she said and I quote, 'Your beautiful girlie, do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night.'"

Jasper groaned. 

“That wasn’t the worst Lappy,” Bismuth smirked and Jasper’s eyes widened. 

“Bismuth, no!”

“I'm thirsty, and guess whose body is 75% water?” Bismuth smirked. There was a pause and then a burst of laughter, Jasper grumbling. 

“Stop laughing!” she pointed to Lapis, “You’re just as cheesy!”

“Nuh-uh,” Lapis commented, chewing through the garlic rolls, “I simply say what I want to do.” 

“Like?”

“Well, like...hey, girl, wanna fuck?”

“Oh my god, Lappy!”

“I’m joking.”

“You better be, LL, that’s really terrible.”

The dinner carried on with easy conversations, Peridot watching amused as the four friends made fun of each other at their expanse. It reminded her of night dinners with the Crystal Gems and she chuckled slightly. 

The tension though was still there. Lapis was laughing, she was making jokes but Peridot felt it, the storm raging beneath the surface. There was a bite to her words like she was avoiding something. The pills...the empty room...those red crosses on the calendar...it was starting to come together but Peridot could not quite figure it out. And for some reason, it hurt. It hurt to know that she didn’t quite know Lapis at all. Beneath the smiles, beneath the mask, there had been somebody else, a stranger. A stranger that Peridot could not grasp. _ Had it all been an act? Was this all...a dream? _

The thought scared her and she reached out gripping onto Lapis’s hands. The action didn’t go unnoticed and Jasper was teasing them after that. Lapis letting go almost immediately, the action dismissive and it stung. Peridot remaining silent for the rest of the dinner. 

It was late and she had to leave. Lapis walking her to the bus stop. It was quiet, words that she wanted to say stuck in her throat. She couldn’t. She did not understand. Peridot...was afraid of the answer. 

The bus arrived and she bade Lapis goodbye, the girl stopping her before she got on. “I’m sorry,” she whispered and then she was gone. Peridot’s mind racing as she boarded the bus, Lapis’s words echoing through. 

It was wrong, it was all wrong. She stopped the bus, stumbling out of the vehicle and into the open streets. She ran back. Why was she so anxious? Why did it feel like this was the last time? No. She won’t allow it. She was panting by the time she reached the house and she ran up the front steps before stopping. 

**What should she say? What could she say? Was she even allowed this?**

The questions paralyzing her and she clenched her fist, letting out a sob, feeling the tears coming. For a long time, she stayed there and then she turned. Her courage dissipating and she walked towards the bus stop. 

_ Am I enough? Lapis...will I ever be enough? _The answer eluding her as she made her way back.

* * *

Her phone was ringing, vibrating violently in her pockets. She ignored it gazing out at the city below, sitting by the bench overlooking Empire City. Her wrist throbbing as blood flowed slowly from the open wound. The knife dangling loosely in her left hand. There were two bottles of Vodka beside her, one empty the other half full. She took a swig feeling the burn, giving a dry laugh to the darkness swirling around her. 

**What were you thinking Lapis? Did you really think you could escape?**

"Shut up," she whispered, smashing the bottle into her head, the sharp pain momentarily making her gasps. The voices whispering feverishly with no end. 

** _Why...it had been so good...why is this happening...again!_ **

And she had enjoyed herself, free from the pressures that had taken over. For once, she was happy, the days flowing freely. The time spent with the girl like a never-ending dream. She wanted it to last forever, to go on. She had wanted to keep the promise. 

**Take care of her Lapis.**

John's words mixing with another. 

_ Take care of her Lapis… _

Mal's outstretched hands, screaming in pain, calling her name. But she hadn't been there hadn't she...she had been out, hanging out with Jasper. "Lapis, you need a day to yourself," her friends had commented and she left after a fight. Mal calling out her name, begging her to stay. Just one day...

"Why! Lapis where were you!" Her mother screaming, hitting her repeatedly at the hospital morgue. Her fist-pounding uselessly on numb chest. The air cold, Mal's eyes shut, lifeless, a strangled pain forever fixed in place. A death mask that would forever haunt her. In her dreams, always shouting. 

"I want it to stop," Lapis rasped, "Please." 

It wouldn't leave her alone.

They cremated her, ash to ash. Her sister, so strong and vibrant, always smiling turned to powder. Her white bones crushed into bits packed into a box. Her pitiful life ending and then she was gone. _ Mal...I miss you. Please forgive me. _

**But you left me to die. **

Lapis yelled throwing the vodka bottle and it smashed against the groundbreaking into pieces, raising the knife she pushed deeper making slashes, not thinking, not feeling fast enough. 

_ "I'm still here," _ she had said, " _ I'm always here." _

But Peridot had walked away. For a long time, she had stood outside the door hesitating. The tears rolling down her eyes evident through the keyhole. Lapis had hurt her, she wanted to call out, to stop the girl from leaving once more but the girl was crying and she couldn't move. 

** _Look at what you've done. _ **

The knife cut deep and she collapsed, the pain searing through her arm running down making her gasps. The blood once flowing was gushing and it would not stop. She leaned back, closing her eyes. 

** _I want to disappear._ **

** _I don't want to hurt anybody anymore_ **.

The resolve that was wavering at the edge emerging once more. The desire stronger than ever and then it clicked. Everything falling into place, the emotion she had months ago coming back. 

_ I will disappear. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're at chapter 7. Please bear with me as I continue. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it :)
> 
> Books Referenced:  
Twilight
> 
> Games Referenced:  
Need for Speed: Heat
> 
> Anime Referenced:  
Gundam
> 
> Art referenced (Artist, Claude Monet):  
Impression, Sunrise  
Woman with a Parasol  
The water lily pond  
The Magpie  
San Giorgio Maggiore at Dusk


	8. Burning Fires and Strangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I call this chapter...friends to the rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “When you light a candle, you also cast a shadow.” ― Ursula K. Le Guin

**Chapter 8**

**Burning Fires and Strangers**

"Peridot! This has got to stop!" Amethyst shouted banging on her door. Peridot ignoring the noise, typing away on the keyboard buried under books. Mathematical formulas spreading out on sheets. The problems were easier to solve than real ones. 

"Peri, open this door before I burst my way in!"

"Amy, give her time," Sapphire whispered and the pounding stops. 

"Peri, I know it hurts but you can't remain there forever. When you're ready, please come out...we're all worried."

Her words hurt and Peridot stole a glance at her phone that she had thrown on the ground. It had been a month since her visit to Lapis's dorm. And for that month, there had been no reply from Lapis. Radio silence. No matter what she did, there had been nothing. 

She had been desperate, even going as far to visit the dorm again. All she found was Bismuth by the front porch of the dingy house painting the walls white. 

She had dropped the paint cans as soon as she saw Peridot. "Where's Lapis?" They had said at the same time. 

"She's not here?" Peridot asked and the girl sighed, rubbing her rainbow locks in frustration. 

"Peridot, Lappy hasn't been home for days...it's driving us crazy. We thought she was with you...but Amethyst said she wasn't and now...we're just waiting."

Worry gripped her, the nagging feeling back and she had sunk to her knees, Bismuth supporting her as she cried. 

"Don't worry squirt, she’ll be back. She always does this. When she’s back we’ll pound her together, alright.”

She waited for a long time, eventually going home. Three days later, Bismuth had messaged her, Lapis was back and she had been drunk. Peridot messaged her again and there was no reply. The days went on and the more Peridot messaged, the more she sank. The girl was ignoring her and there was nothing she could do about it.

Eventually, she stopped. She was too tired to continue. She buried herself in her work, shutting everybody out. _ Why did you let her in? _

Lapis had been different and with her Peridot felt like she could conquer the world. That feeling never left and it was still there. But it hurts now, it hurts so much she thought she’ll be crushed by it. Laying her head on the table, Peridot felt the tears starting again. Her heart felt like it was breaking, her soul tearing apart. She wanted to scream. “You asked me to wait!” she wanted to shout. 

She was lonely, drifting aimlessly, burying herself in work and games and Lapis had came, disrupting the flow. And for that short period of time, she was alive, feeling so much, experiencing the world. She never wanted it to end and now...it was.

Lapis was gone and she was never coming back.

“No more,” she whispered. There would be no more Lapis...no more trusting...she won’t let anyone in.

* * *

The music was loud, the floor was pounding. Bodies rubbed against each other as they dance. Lapis sitting by the corner, dunking another glass of vodka, slamming the glass onto the table. There was a girl grinding against her and she welcomed it. The vodka making her numb. “You alone?’ the girl whispered huskily and Lapis took her by the arm pulling her forward.

“What if I am?” she said and the girl pressed her lips against hers. It was rough, cold and Lapis pulled back not feeling it. 

“Come on, Lapis, you chickening out?” the girl asked. _ How the fuck did she know my name? _ Lapis did not know. She couldn’t be bothered to care. “Let’s get out of here,” Lapis said roughly, grabbing the girl and pulling her out of the crowded club. The alley was dark, grimy and the street lights flickered above them. Lapis walked into the cheap motel beside the bar, throwing some money onto the counter. 

“Aren’t you moving a little too fast?”

“What? You're chickening out now?” Lapis snapped and the girl leaned in. She was dressed in a short red dress, it rode up and Lapis spotted black panties. “No,” she said, smirking, her red eyes twinkling with mischief, her tanned skin suddenly inviting and Lapis forced her into the room and into the bed. She straddled her, pushing the girl down, kissing her roughly along the neck. The girl gasped as Lapis reached downward, ripping off her dress. The girl was naked before her and Lapis made for her breast grabbing it. She wanted to inflict pain, she wanted to silence the voices in her head. 

“Wait!” the girl shouted, pushing Lapis off and Lapis landed on the ground, wincing from the impact. 

“Oh, sorry,” she giggled when Lapis glared at her. 

“You want to do this or not?” Lapis growled and the girl frowned. 

“Yes, but not like animals!” she snapped. Lapis stood up and the girl pulled her forward, pushing her into bed, kissing her. Lapis did not move, the girl’s black curly hair suddenly morphing into blonde. Her red eyes becoming green. It was cold, and she pushed the girl back, standing up from the bed. 

“What?” 

Lapis ignored her, the girl’s name she had forgotten. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” she said. Before the girl could stop her she was running out of the motel room and into the streets. In her drunken stupor, she crashed into some bins, landing on a garbage pile in the dark alley. 

_ Lapis...Laz...Lapis...I’ll wait for you...Lapis...it’s beautiful...Laz did you enjoy yourself...Lapis you clod… _

All she could hear was her voice and it ached, her heart throbbing with pain. “I don’t deserve you,” she whispered and yet...she wanted to see her. The need was so strong it physically hurt. She knew avoiding the girl was not the way but she could not bring herself to answer. _ Would she accept me? What does she see in me? I am nothing...I will hurt her… _

“Minimal Casualties,” she whispered through the pain. The date was coming up, she had to leave...being with Peridot would only bring the girl more anguish. In that short time they had known each other, Peridot had come too close. So she created distance, ignoring the girl’s messages, blocking everyone out. Jasper, Rose, and Bismuth were furious but Lapis would not answer them, no matter how they pestered.

It was not to be, this relationship had to end and yet…

“Peridot,” she whispered, sinking into the darkness, the warmth disappearing, “I want to see you.”

When she came to, she found herself on the green couch. Her head pounding, her ears ringing. How did she get back? She couldn't remember. She groaned, sitting up slowly and found herself looking at the furious expressions of Jasper and Bismuth. 

“What the fuck Lapis!” Jasper yelled and Lapis winced, giving her an annoyed look. 

“You're too loud,” she protested and the girl reached forward grabbing her by the collar. Anger gripped her almost immediately and she glared. 

“What do you want!”

“Do you know how worried we were Lappy?” Bismuth said, controlling herself and Lapis sighed. “Look, I’m fine, so why are you guys getting so worked up, I’m back.”

“Lapis, you are pushing everyone away! You're doing it again. What’s the matter with you! Amethyst messaged us, did you think we wouldn't notice. Why are you avoiding the subject?”

“Why do you care?” Lapis snapped and Jasper released her pushing her back. 

“We’re not your enemies Lapis, we’re your friends, I’ve known you for years...this is not you Lapis, snap out of it!” Jasper shouted and Lapis snorted.

“So what? Does that even matter? Friends can leave at any time.” Jasper falling silent as she said this. Lapis smirking about to continue when she was interrupted. 

“Stop it, LL,” Rose appeared, beside her a sheepish looking Pearl. Lapis tensed and was about to bolt when Pearl stopped her, raising her hands. There was a determination in her eyes and Lapis turned away when she approached. “Stop hurting yourself,” Rose continued.

“What are you guys-”

“Lapis,” Pearl started, her voice firm, “Peridot’s not herself. She’s not responding to anything...she’s not eating properly, she’s not sleeping...Lapis, she has barricaded herself in her room and we can’t get her out.”

Lapis felt her breath catch and Pearl placed a hand over her shoulder, gripping her. “Lapis, please, she needs you. I don’t know what happened between the two of you but she's not doing well.”

“Look, I can’t, not right now, not ever,” Lapis replied, struggling to remain aloof but Pearl gripped her tighter, she smiled. “Who said I was asking?” 

Before she knew what was happening she was being dragged out of the house into a white van. Jasper picking her up, Bismuth shoving her in. Pearl leaping into the driver’s seat. Rose riding beside her, giving a cheer. 

“We did it, I can’t believe we actually got the stubborn ass to come!” Rose said excitedly, “Pearl your plan worked! You're amazing. I’m falling in love with you again.”

“What the fuck is going on!” Lapis protested and was about to leave when the door was locked. Pearl turning, wearing a smirk. The girl surprisingly feisty when she needed to be. “Child lock, you won’t be getting out Lapis.”

“What the fuck.”

“We’re going for a BBQ Lappy,” Bismuth answered her, “And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Let me out!” This was bad, everything was moving too fast. She had a headache, her heart was pounding furiously in her chest. The thought of what was going to happen made her want to vomit.

“This is for your own good.”

“What good would this do! Do you guys not understand! I’m not good for her!” she roared and there was silence. Lapis collapsed into the seat, placing a hand over her eyes, trying to keep it together. She could feel the tears starting and her lips trembled.

“Please,” she whispered, “Let me out.”

“No, LL,” Rose started, and Pearl started the engine, the vehicle moving forward, “We won’t, not when you're hurting. You're not yourself either...you’ve been drunk, coming home late, hooking up with girls...that’s not you Lapis. You hate it, we know you do. Please LL, give this a chance.”

“I can’t,” she whispered.

“Yes, yes you can,” Pearl said, “And you will, cause we’re heading there anyway.”

_ Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck this shit… _

“Lappy,” Bismuth said, gripping her shoulder, the weight of it calming her down slightly, “Peridot’s been coming over. I didn’t tell you this, but she misses you. She really does.”

And Lapis relented, the guilt eating her up. She sunk into the seats, her nerves frayed. What should she say? What should she do? How can she come back...when she left her...When she was going to leave them all…?

The dorm appeared ahead. All her thoughts vanishing and only a desire remained.

_ I want to see you... _ **I need to see you, Peridot.**

“Lapis, stop running away,” Jasper said, nudging her and she took a step...forward.

* * *

"Remind me why I'm doing this again?" Peridot asked, cutting the onion and tearing from the strong fumes. 

"We're having a Barbeque, Peri," Sapphire reminded her for the fifth time and Peridot sighed. 

"I know, but isn't this kind of pointless...I mean if you guys wanted to celebrate Memorial Day we could have just ordered Pizza…"

"Ah, ah Peri, where's the fun in that?" Amethyst said bouncing beside her, setting up the grill in their relatively small backyard. Ruby in the grass patch before them fixing up the picnic table. A few fairy lights were strung up, hanging from the two camphor trees that grew in their backyard. An icebox placed beside the table, filled with alcohol and juices. 

"You call this fun?" Peridot muttered looking at the mountain of raw food before her. After being dragged out of her room three hours ago, Peridot had been doing nothing but cutting vegetables. She hadn't thought she'll be spending a national holiday like this. Though, she wasn't really going to do anything anyway. These days all she did was study and she was planning to do the same today. Slicing through another onion, Peridot's thoughts wandered and she thought of blue azure eyes, warm soft hands, lips on hers and she paused, placing the knife on the table, taking off the apron. 

“Peri?” Sapphire questioned.

“I’m going to my room,” she muttered, “Call me when you are done.”

She felt hands stopping her and she turned annoyed. “Will you cut it out Amy,” she snapped and the girl shook her head, waving a spatula dangerously close to her face. 

“You are not going anywhere. We gave you all the time you needed. You’ve been in your room for two weeks Peri! Two weeks! What were you doing in there? Growing plants? It’s not healthy.”

“And what is? Eating cancer laden food does not seem healthy either,” Peridot retorted.

“You know what I mean Peri, stop avoiding the subject.”

“I am not avoiding anything!”

“Yes, yes you are. Both of you are. And yes, don’t argue, we know,” Amethyst said, stopping Peridot from speaking, “You’ve got to own up to it Peridot. You can’t keep running away from your problems.”

Amethyst words stung and Peridot clenched her fist, “I am not running away,” she whispered, “I never did. I tried, I went every day but she wasn’t there. She’s gone. She doesn’t want any part of me.”

“Peri-”

“I really tried,” she broke and Amethyst let her go, the girl for once, speechless. Peridot knew she was being unfair. Amethyst had just wanted to help but Peridot just wanted to be alone. 

“Peridot,” Sapphire said, sitting beside her. The older girl cupping her cheeks, forcing Peridot to look at her. “I know you're sad, we know how much Lapis meant to you,” the girl said, “And we know it hurts.”

“Heck, I would die if Sapphy left me,” Ruby interrupted, standing beside Sapphire, smiling slightly. 

“So what if it does,” Peridot muttered, “It’s my problem, I can deal with it, just leave me be.”

“Yes, but we’re here Peri,” Sapphire whispered gently, “And we want to help. Please let us help you.”

“But you can’t,” Peridot said, a matter of factly, forcing her way out of Sapphire’s gentle grip. She stood up ready to make her way back to her room when Ruby stopped her. “We can,” she said and before Peridot could do anything, Amethyst forced her around. She winced, crashing into someone. She was about to curse when she found herself peering up at blue eyes. She pulled back immediately stunned by the girl’s appearance. She was not alone, Pearl, Rose, Jasper, and Bismuth coming up behind her. 

“Lapis,” she started after a moment of silence, “You’re here.”

“Hey,” Lapis replied sheepishly and Peridot had to fight the urge to both hug and punch the girl at the same time. She was angry...yes very angry but at the same time...overjoyed. It was confusing, so she stood there watching as Amethyst ran up to her, greeting her with a punch to the chest. 

“Don’t you dare disappear on us again!” the purple-haired shouted and Lapis nodded, uncomfortable with the gathering. 

“Took us a while to get here,” Pearl said, bringing up a few plastic bags worth of frozen meats, “But, hey it worked out. Clearly my plan is the most superior one.” 

“Yeah, yeah Pearl,” Amethyst said, “Always listen to the Pearl right?”

The taller girl frowning and the group breaking out into laughter. 

They mingled for a bit, Jasper and Rose eventually joining Amethyst by the grill. The Mexican showing them the ropes of roasting beef the right way. Bismuth joining Ruby by the picnic tables, helping the older girl to set it up. Sapphire and Pearl cutting the vegetables, Lapis...standing by the side, giving her glances. 

“I don’t see talking!” Amethyst called out, “You guys better be talking by the time the meat is done!” 

Her childhood friend as annoying as usual.

“You know her?” Lapis asked, eyeing Amethyst with disdain and Peridot folded her arms. 

“Unfortunately yes. A mosquito...I’ve been trying to get rid off since the day of my birth,” Peridot answered. 

“I heard that!” Amethyst shouted and they giggled, breaking through the tension. 

“I’m sorry,” Lapis started, after a moment, “I’m sorry Peridot.”

Peridot sighing, swallowing her anger, shaking her head, “It’s ok Lapis...we can talk later, you’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

And then it was warm, Lapis engulfing her in a hug, the girl’s face digging into her neck. Peridot could feel the tears forming again and she did the same, burying herself in Lapis’s embrace. 

“That’s more like it,” Jasper sounded and they broke apart, Peridot blushing and Lapis smiling wryly. “Now, that this is done and over with, let’s eat!” 

They brought the roasted meat to the picnic table. Amethyst slamming a couple of beer bottles in front of them. Pearl bringing out the salad, Sapphire had helped prepare. “Where’s my apple juice?” she asked and Amethyst groaned. Rose bringing the drink out from the ice-box. 

“Here you go, honey,” she said and the table paused. 

“What?” 

“Honey?” Amethyst grinned looking to Pearl who was covering her face in embarrassment. 

“Ok, stop,” Sapphire warned, “We do not want another incident with the knife.”

“I don’t want another incident of me having to stop another incident with a knife.” Ruby commented, before giving Sapphire a quick kiss, “But if my love commands me, I’ll do it.”

“Are they always this sappy?” Jasper asked, chewing on the meat, watching in amusement. 

“It’s a regular tv show around here,” Peridot deadpanned and the girl chuckled. 

They ate after that, the food coming fast. Amethyst’s barbeque skills top-notched and the girl was proud of it. Soon they were stuffed, Peridot laying on Lapis’s lap in the living room staring at the ceiling. Lapis's lazily sifting through her hair. 

A movie was playing in the background, some sci-fi movie that had missed a month earlier. 

“Get him, Alfonso!” Jasper shouting into the screen as the slightly handsome looking protagonist swung the photon sword into the belly of a rather monstrous-looking creature. Green blood splattered over the screen, Jasper, and Amethyst cheering, both girls laughing at the scene of carnage.

“Could you two sit down, we’re trying to watch the movie here,” Pearl nagged.

“Go cuddle with your honey Pearl, we’re trying to enjoy the movie,” Amethyst snorted and Pearl frowned.

“Don’t mind them Pearly,” Rose said, pulling the taller girl down into the sofa and Peridot had to turn away when the girl kissed Pearl passionately.

“PG guys!” Bismuth scolded, pulling Rose away from a very red Pearl. 

Rose, the airheaded girl, it would seem had no filters and was prone to doing anything she felt like doing...even if it was in public. Peridot had no idea what Pearl saw in the girl, but she could see how happy Rose made Pearl and was glad for the overly uptight girl. It was time somebody loosened her up.

“But Sapphire and Ruby are doing it too,” Rose protested. 

“Nobody cares,” Amethyst commented, “They do it so often their practically tapestry now.”

“Amethyst...that is...perfect,” Jasper chortled. 

“I can see why you call them that,” Bismuth chuckling. 

“Ok...then what about LL and Peridot, their cuddling too!” 

“Their not a couple,” Jasper simply stated.

“I’m glad you get it,” Lapis retorted and the two girls glared at each other, Peridot sitting up breaking up the fight that was about to start. Lapis grumbling through the movie. 

“Well that was stupid,” Pearl commented.

“Here we go again, watch out folks, Pearl the joy killer is on her way,” Amethyst announced.

“I’m not a joy killer!”

“Can’t you just enjoy the movie?”

“Yes I can, but if it’s stupid...it’s just...stupid.”

“And what part of it was stupid?”

The two girls arguing, Rose trying to stop Pearl and Jasper egging Amethyst on. 

“Tom and Jerry,” Lapis muttered and Peridot giggled, remembering the joke she had sent a few months earlier. “Would they ever stop?”

“You know, somehow I can picture them in the future as old women...arguing over…”

“Lost spectacles? Dental implants? Grandma’s underwear?” Lapis finished.

“Seriously Lapis?”

“And what were you thinking of?”

“Who's going to die first or maybe whose coffin would look better?” Peridot offered and Lapis sniggered, snorting a little. Peridot realizing that she had missed Lapis's laughter terribly. 

“Lapis,” she whispered and the girl fell silent, there was a hidden pain left unspoken and it lingered between them. There was a stranger that was Lapis. One that Peridot did not know, one shrouded in darkness, devouring every good thing that came their way. It was like a black hole forever sucking and Peridot could feel it. The chaos behind Lapis’s happy act, barely hidden, always at the edge.

There were questions that needed to be answered and Peridot had to know. 

“Lap-” 

“Let’s play truth or dare!” Amethyst cutting in, interrupting her before she could ask.

“Why should we?” Pearl groaned and a bottle was produced. Soon there were seated in a circle, the bottle placed in the middle. Peridot, reluctantly spinning it. The bottle landed on Bismuth and Amethyst smirked.

“Truth or Dare?” 

“Truth,” Bismuth chose.

“Ok...hmm...who do you like better, Jasper or Lapis?” 

“Are you trying to ruin friendships?” Jasper quipped and Amethyst chuckled.

“Neither,” Bismuth replied.

“See you just ruined a friendship,” Lapis jokes.

“You’ve got to pick Bismuth.”

“Well, if I had to pick it’ll be Jasper.”

“I’m shocked,” Jasper replied.

“For her PS4,” Bismuth continued. 

“And then I’m not,” Jasper pouted and they broke off laughing. The game continued, eventually landing on Amethyst.

“Dare!”

“Why am I not surprised?” Pearl muttered. 

“Strip to your underwear,” Jasper suggested. 

“No!” Pearl snapped and before she could stop the Mexican, the girl was bare, standing in the midst, in her black bra and panties. “Do I get points?” Amethyst asked, posing for them.

“I might need to clean my eyes, Amy,” Peridot said.

“Nice butt,” Jasper cheered.

“Thank you, Jasper, see someone appreciates my body,” Amethyst retorted.

Pearl throwing Amethyst clothes back at her. 

“Sapphire looks better,” Ruby said suddenly, her comment appearing from the blue and they paused. 

“Oh, Ruby...you…” Sapphire gushed, the two chuckling as they held each other, kissing again. 

“Now I need to bleach my ears,” Peridot groaned. 

“And you said I was cheesy,” Jasper laughed in awe at what had just happened. 

“Need I remind you of what you said just last week?” Bismuth said. Rose chuckling as Jasper gaped.

“What did she say?” Amethyst asked, half wearing her shirt. 

“Wait, Bis, no!”

“If women were boogers,” Bismuth beamed, “I’d pick you first.”

"She got slapped, it was epic," Rose continued.

“Oh my god!” Amethyst rolling on the ground in fits. 

“Bis, you fucking-”

“Ah, ah language.”

“Fuck you.”

“Ok pot mouth, spin the bottle.” 

Jasper grumbled before doing so. The bottle spun and it landed on her. Peridot winced as eight pairs of eyes stared at her. She didn’t like the grin on Amethyst's face and she sighed.  
  


“Truth or Dare?”

“Amy, if you make me do anything stupid, I’ll kill you.”

“Take your pick, Peri.”

“Truth,” Peridot muttered.

“This is easy,” Jasper interjected.

“Jasper,” Lapis warned and Peridot watched as the girl shared a look with Amethyst. 

“Do you love anybody preferably in this room?” Jasper asked and Peridot paused. She clenched her fist, the question was too raw...too personal. She could still feel the hurt and she stood up, walking away, barely hearing her name being called out. 

_ Love? _How could she even think it was possible? She leaned against the banister of the front porch, slamming the sliding door shut behind her. The hurt threatening to overwhelm her. She was angry, she couldn’t deny it. Despite the happiness of seeing Lapis again, there was something boiling beneath and it was spilling out. And it was ugly. Peridot hated feeling this way. 

The doors slid open and she heard footsteps approaching her slowly...carefully. “Peri,” the girl called out to her and Peridot turned, her anger breaking free and she pointed a finger at Lapis who stood in front of her. 

“Why did you leave? Have you considered how I even felt? I was worried Lapis!”

The girl fell silent, holding herself, wrapping her arms around her chest, glancing at the ground. “I’m-”

“Was Lisa right?” Peridot rasped, “You ignored me Lapis! You read my messages and you ignored them...I can’t…” 

She was exhausted and she leaned on the banister, breathing hard from her outburst. Lapis shaking slightly, a tremor running down her body. 

“Am I...just a toy...to you,” Peridot whispered. 

“You’re not,” Lapis whispered, pain lacing her words, “You’re not a toy Peridot.”

“Then what am I? What are we? You said you needed time and I am willing to wait for you Lapis...but how can I wait for someone who was so willing to leave!” 

“I’m afraid,” Lapis admitted.

“Lapis?” she whispered. 

“I’m afraid of hurting you,” Lapis admitted, there was not a trace of emotion in her voice. Lapis was not here in this moment, she was a million miles away. It was the girl...from the night they first met before they talked. The glassy-eyed stranger smoking silently in the cold, fading into the darkness. There was no light in those hollow eyes. The anguish in her stance exposed for all to see. 

“I’m tired,” Lapis continued, “I’m fucking tired Peridot. I can’t continue like this, I know that…”

“The meds they help but they’re not erasing this pain,” she whispered, “You're special to me Peridot and I do not want you to suffer.”

“How are you making me suffer Lapis?” Peridot shouted, desperate, wanting the girl to understand, “I want to help you Lapis, I want to know you.”

“I cannot be your burden, Peri,” a sad smile appeared on her lips and she was about to walk away when Peridot grabs her. 

“Don’t leave Lapis,” she pleaded, “Please don’t shut me out. I was scared, I am afraid of this darkness you won’t show me...but I want to understand it Lapis. I want us to talk, I want you to give me time.”

“Why? Peridot why would you-”

“Do you really need an answer Lapis?” Peridot breathed, “Do you really need me to spell it out for you?” 

The air shifted and the girl was before her, Peridot holding her as she sobbed. The tears soaking through her black alien tee. Her hold on Lapis’s taunt body tightening. They stayed that way for a long time, eventually settling down on the picnic table, their hands intertwined as they stared out into the night sky, the fairy lamps glowing softly in the darkness. 

“I heard you turned into a hermit,” Lapis teased.

“Well at least I didn’t turn into an alcoholic,” Peridot retorted and the girl sighed. 

“Ok, fine you win.”

“I deserve it, considering what you put me through,” Peridot huffed and the girl chuckled without humor. 

“Lapis?”

“Peridot,” the girl started. She was struggling with herself and Peridot held on. “If...if I ever hurt you in any way,” she said, “Promise me...you’ll leave.”

“La-”

“Peridot, promise me.” There was no arguing. Her tone finale. 

“You’ll walk away, you’ll never look back.”

“Fine,” Peridot said, “But in turn…” She glared at the girl, determination rising in her, squeezing Lapis’s hands tightly in hers. “Promise me you won’t leave, promise you’ll stay here...by my side.”

The girl paused and Peridot smiled. “Promise me Lapis.”

“Idiot,” Lapis leaned in, “That defeats the purpose.” 

“Exactly.” 

“I missed you,” Lapis whispered, placing her forehead on hers. 

"Me too," Peridot answered and their lips met. Hands pinned her down and they split apart for a second, panting, so much heat, their breaths intermingling, a strand of spit forming from where they’ve parted. Peridot found herself staring at blue eyes, as deep as the oceans. A desire so strong erupting in her chest, Lapis’s tongue brushing against her and it was like electricity. She wanted more and she did the same. Lapis groaning in pleasure and their tongues connected, soft touches turned firm, filled with want, crashing into each other. It was hot, warm, comfortable. 

They pulled apart, Peridot’s eyes opened to see Lapis shining bright. Happiness like no other bloomed in her entirety.

“I hate to interrupt your lovely time,” Bismuth said appearing behind them, “but Pearl’s calling for desserts...so are you guys ready to head in or should I say you’re busy?”

“Amethyst is right,” Lapis commented, “She really is a killjoy.”

Peridot giggling as they made their way in. They were teased, Jasper making her usual crude remarks. Amethyst her usual kissing noises. But Peridot for some odd reason, could not bring herself to care.

All that mattered was Lapis’s hands in hers, the warmth from their kiss spreading out within her. The anxiety and hurt from their time apart fading away slowly. 

They ate the dessert and then proceeded to their respective rooms. Lapis sleeping over, laying in Peridot’s bed as they watched camp pining hearts. Peridot leaning into the girl’s shoulder. 

"I don't see why you like season five," Peridot muttered staring at the new girl with disdain. 

"Simple, it's quiet nothing really happens," Lapis said watching as Percy roasted chicken over the bonfire. 

"Their just talking...no action scenes, no music, nothing Lapis. Even Pierre, lovable troublemaking Pierre is gone."

"Pierre, you like Pierre? He's horrible." 

"Lapis Lazuli you take that back!"

"It's true, I don't know why you like him. He makes everything two times worse, he's broody, annoying, can't get his points across, disappears when you need him...I could go on." 

"Yeah, but his Percy's best friend. He had so much dept and though his broody everybody liked him because he was kind. Yes he was a tad too sensitive but how can you blame him, he had a difficult past, besides can't you see how much Percy misses him." Peridot countered. 

"Yeah, but It's better that he's gone, no one is screaming, no one gets hurt because of him, there's nothing for Percy to resolve and his happier for once," Lapis argued, Peridot noticing her eyes hardening. Then it hit her, like a ton of bricks.

"Lapis, we are talking about the show...right?" 

The girl was silent for a moment, the pain flashing past for a fleeting second. And then it was gone, Lapis smiling slightly, "At least the new girl's hot." She said changing the subject.

"You cannot replace the great Paulette," Peridot snapped. 

"Yeah but she's now the replaced Paulette," Lapis chuckled and Peridot launched into a tirade, Lapis words staying at the back of her mind.

_ It's better he's gone...No one gets hurt...Because of him. _

Eventually, the girl fell asleep, the bags under her eyes indicating her exhaustion and Peridot laid her down, covering her with the sheets.

She had walked away the first time. Scared of the stranger she had seen. Afraid of the unknown, unable to make a move forward. She had stood behind the door, hesitated, unsure of her feelings. Unsure if she wanted to take a leap...but now here she was. 

It would be difficult, Peridot had no doubt about that. There was still pain and it was deeply rooted. There were many things Peridot couldn’t quite grasp, a puzzle she had yet to solve but she would try. 

Lapis’s lips had been rough and they had hurt slightly. The girl smelling unfamiliar, of alcohol and burnt smoke, not of blueberries, not of the Lapis she knew. But Peridot was determined. This stranger...this person that was part of Lapis, she’ll accept her too. All the good and the bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have chapter 8. I'm sorry if it seems a little bit rushed but it has to be with this way for the story to progress. I hope you enjoy this chapter. For everyone who has reviewed, gave kudos and read this story, I thank you from the bottom of my heart :). 
> 
> Cartoon Referenced:  
Tom and Jerry
> 
> I really have got to keep track of what I've referenced.


	9. The Days of I's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Lars become friends. Lapis and Peridot watch movies under the star lit skies. Lapis makes a decision.
> 
> There are spoilers for the movie, Batman Vs. Superman and The Perks of the Wallflower. You have been warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Janey accuses me of chasing jailbait. She bursts into angry tears, asking if it's because she's getting older. It's true. She's aging more noticeably every day—while I am standing still. I prefer the stillness here. I am tired of Earth. These people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.”― Alan Moore, Watchmen

**Chapter 9**

**The days of I's**

"What the hell Lapis, you're creeping me out," Lars Barriga shrunk back from the gift that was in her hands. They were Gundam Magazines that she had found buried deep in her almost empty closet. 

"Don't make me regret my decision Barriga," Lapis answered in annoyance. "Are you going to take it or not?"

"Lazuli...like I know you and we're becoming friends and all...but like do you actually love me or something?" Lars glanced starry-eyed at the magazines before him and Lapis snorted. 

"Me? In love with you? It'll be a disaster," she retorted. Lars grinned grabbing the magazines Lapis had placed on the counter before gushing at the contents. 

"This is amazing Lazuli!” 

“You better like it, it’s worth hundreds,” Lapis stated before smiling slightly at the exhilarated boy in front of her. Peridot was right, Lars was ok and she had been acting like a jerk towards him. 

“You two getting along?” Peridot asked, the girl appearing from behind the shelves, carrying a box full of milk cartons. She seemed to be struggling with the weight and Lapis went forward, taking it from her. “We won’t be if Lars doesn’t help,” she snapped, eyeing the boy behind the counter who frowned.

“That’s not fair. You were talking to me and I did tell Peridot to wait,” he protested, walking over and snatching the box from Lapis. “Still, making a girl do all the work, I expected better Barriga,” Lapis stated and the boy glared at her. 

Peridot cutting in, “Ok, guys stop this, seriously it’s been two months since you guys became somewhat friends...try to be civil ok.”

“She started it,” Lars said, placing the box by the freezers and Lapis folded her arms. “Did not, I was just stating some overdue facts.”

“Are you implying I don’t work?”

“No, I’m telling you to work harder.”

“Stopppp!” Peridot commented, sighing, “Lapis go wait by the tables or something, I’ll be done soon. Jesus.”

“Fine,” Lapis replied, sticking a middle finger at the boy.

“Real mature Lazuli,” he grumbled and she shrugged making her way to the long tables located at the front of the store, settling into the seats staring out at the orange-yellow and red leaves of the trees outside. Autumn had arrived and the heat from summer was giving way to comfortable slightly chilly winds. Lapis liked Autumn, the colors of the different trees coupled with the light blue skies made for some beautiful sights. There were also recollections of campfires, of raging bonfires roasting potatoes and freshly caught fish, of Mae’s sweet apple pies and Pai’s campfire stories, of stargazing in an open field huddled between the sleeping bags, of Mal laughing, her pale face glowing from the embers of dying fires. Childhood memories and the warmth of family she would never have again. Pain gripped her and it throbbed, running through her chest, stabbing like knives. She shuts her eyes tight to stop her thoughts and when she opened them again, there was a cup of coffee placed in front of her. 

“For the magazines,” Lars stated, he was leaning on the tables, looking rather sheepish. Lapis sighed.

“What’s with this convenience store and their free coffees?” she joked and Lars smirked. 

“Hey it’s watered down coffee, it’s not that great.”

“And you’re giving it to me? I’m honored.”

Lars snickered, sitting beside her.

“Don’t you have work, Barriga?” 

“Relax, do you see any customers? I’m allowed to have little breaks here and there,” he said, “Besides, Peridot just went in to change so it’ll be only for a few minutes.”

“If you say so Barriga, I’m not your boss, I’m just a-”

“Regular annoying customer.” The boy finished.

“And this is why we will never get along,” she muttered before sipping from the cup, wincing at the coffee’s vile bitter taste. It was warm though and she was grateful for the distraction. 

“The only reason?” Lars snorted, “There are many reasons Lazuli…” he paused before biting his lower lip, giving her a careful glance. “About what we talked about last week…” he started and Lapis stopped him.

“I meant what I said Lars,” she said and he folded his arms.

“I know you do, but I want to know why? You don’t just give something so important up like that.”

“Simple, Lars, I’m no good for her,” she answered, “You could give her what she needs.”

Lars frowned, “Yes, but Lazuli, I can never give her what she wants,” he commented, raising his hand to stop her, “Ah, ah, I know how stubborn you can be and if you really want to give this up, it’ll be fine. Less competition for me...but Lapis…” 

He placed a hand over her shoulder, clutching it tightly, “You're the only one who matters...to her.” 

Memories resurfaced and Lars's words mixed with words spoken years ago becoming a swirling mess swimming in her tormented head. _ “You're the only one that matters to me Laz,” _ her voice whispering, raspy from the sickness, _ “Promise me Laz, we’ll always be together.” _

Eyes the color of darkening clouds peered into hers, intense and filled with desperation. _ “Laz, I’m scared.” _

** _“I know, I’m here...Mal.”_ **

_ “You won’t leave me, would you?” _

** _“How could I? You’re family Mal, I will never leave you.”_ **

_ “Even when I’m gone?” _

Hands reaching out, trembling, covered in bandages, a drip inserted into wrist, machines beeping loudly, a hopeless situation. ** _“Even when you're gone.”_ **

_ “Promise.” _

** _“Promise.”_ **

“Lazuli?” Lars started, “Earth to Lazuli...where were you?”

Lapis clenched her teeth, taking in a shuddering breath. 

“Drop it, Lars, my decision stays...and I meant it,” she snapped and the boy sighed. “If you say so Lazuli, but don’t come crying to me later.”

“I won’t,” Lapis answered, looking out. “It’s for the best.”

“Lazuli, if you want to talk…”

“To you, no thanks,” Lapis smirked.

“Ok, good cause I was afraid you were going to cry on me.”

“That would be disturbing,” Lapis muttered and the boy swiped the empty coffee cup from under her nose, crushing it in his hands.

“It would be, but I wouldn't mind,” the boy answered uncharacteristically serious. 

“Barriga?”

“Lazuli, I want to win this...competition...fair and square. And you can’t have a competition...without a rival,” he glanced at her and she tensed. 

“I don’t know what you’re planning but Lazuli, if you do anything to hurt Peridot, I’ll kill you,” he warned and Lapis snorted.

“What are you, her mother?”

“No, I’m just someone with a huge crush.”

“And I told you to take care of-”

“You love her Lazuli,” he interrupted and she was rendered speechless, a lump forming in her throat. “I’m the boy with a crush... Lazuli...it’s different for you.”

“So? Does it matter? What difference does it make?” she forced out, becoming angry. 

“Yes, it does,” Lars muttered, “So don’t go running away.”

“I really hate you,” Lapis whispered and the boy winked at her, “The feeling is mutual.”  
  


“What is?” Peridot asked, appearing behind them, wearing her usual black alien tee and brown cargo shorts. Her blonde hair unruly as always, standing at the ends in an odd triangular shape. Her emerald green eyes peeking out under reflective spectacles, an easy smile on her lips. And it was good again. It was funny how Peridot’s presence was enough to calm her down.

_ That is why you have to let her go. _

“Nothing, Peri...” 

“Really, you guys were talking, what were you talking about?”

“Talking?” Lapis snorted, “We weren’t talking...just insulting each other.”

“It’s the norm, Peridot,” Lars replied and the girl chuckled. 

“I still don’t get you two.”

Lars and Lapis sharing a meaningful look between each other. “You’re an idiot, Peridot,” they said at the same time and the girl pouted, placing hands on her hips.

“Ready to go? The movie starting soon,” Lapis said and the girl nodded.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Peridot making way for the exit. 

“Enjoy yourselves,” Lars said before grabbing Lapis gently, “Don’t give up Lazuli,” he whispered and she paused, the boy pushing her forward. “I’m not giving up either.”

“What-”

“Go, she’s waiting for you.”

Hands gripped hers and she was pulled. Peridot was before her, excited about the movie, speaking animatedly. She knew she should answer but she couldn’t. Lars words lingering in her ears. 

“Lapis, you ok?”

_ I am poison. _

“Yes,” she smiled, “Let’s go.”

_ I will not be your poison _.

* * *

“Lapis, remember, you’ve got to be strong,” Mae told her as they made their way through the whitewashed corridors. The sharp acrid smell of antiseptic in the air, burning the insides of her nostrils. Lapis followed her mother, the tall woman who was always smiling, always laughing seemed like another person today. She was scared, it was the first time at a hospital and everything was all so new and terrifying. The nurses were polite but frank, they did not smile and often than not were speaking in curt tones. Lapis did not like it, she did not like how cold everything was. She did not like how everybody seemed to be in pain. 

“Mae?” she questioned as her mother held her nine-year-old hands in hers, pulling her into a darkened ward. “Where’s Mal?”

“Laz,” her Pai appeared, the man always a pillar of strength and stability a shadow of himself. He was sitting beside a white metallic bed, the beeping machines too loud. Lapis released her mother’s hands and ran towards him. It had been days since she saw him and she missed him. He engulfed her in his arms and she hugged him tightly, taking in the scent of peppermint and fresh aftershave. 

“Pai, where’s Mal?” she asked after they hugged and the man gave her a sad smile, there was a tiredness to his ash-grey eyes. “She’s sleeping Laz,” he replied, motioning to the figure lying in the bed. Lapis gasping in shock, approaching the figure slowly, not knowing what to say. Mal was there, the green highlights Mae had allowed her to have at the hairdresser a month before peeking out from beneath the white sheets. There were bandages wrapped around her crown, a tube inserted into her mouth and she was breathing...so slowly. 

“Mal?” Lapis called out softly and eyes...the same colors of their father’s glanced warily at her.

There was a sadness to them and fear...so much fear. Lapis couldn’t help it, she cried, reaching forward grabbing her twin sister’s hands, clutching it tightly. 

“Mal, Malachite,” she cried and tears rolled down the girl’s eyes, the girl grunting slightly, the tube restricting her from speaking. 

“I told you to be strong Lapis,” her mother whispered gently, taking her away and she was embraced in her mother’s strong arms. “It’s going to be difficult, Lapis, Mal has to be here for a few months...we have to support her...ok?”

“Mae, what’s wrong with Mal?” she choked and her mother grips her tightly. 

“She’s sick Lapis,” she answered.

“Is she…”

“Promise me Lapis,” her mother cut her off, and she shuts her eyes tightly trying to make sense of what was happening. It had been sudden, a week ago everything had been fine...but now...now everything was wrong, it didn’t make sense, nothing felt fine.

“Promise me Lapis, to be strong, to take care of her.”

“Yes Mae,” she whispered, “I will.”

The days passed and Lapis visited the hospital often. Bounding in after school showing her sister the drawings she did in art class, leaving flowers by the vase, wildflowers she had picked from the streets. Slowly, Mal got better and soon she was speaking again. The tube was removed and so were the bandages. Lapis sitting beside her, cuddling, playing games with her twin sister who clung onto her.

“You think I’ll be able to go home soon?” Mal asked softly one night as Lapis sat by the corner doodling a rather simple version of Godzilla Mal loved. 

“Yes, you will,” Lapis answered, grinning, before smacking the drawing onto the walls already covered with other drawings of dinosaurs, trumpeter swans and kaijus. 

“Laz you gotta stop doing that...the nurses will get mad,” Mal chuckled as Lapis used glue to stick the picture on the wall. 

“I don’t care,” Lapis answered, leaping into her sister’s bed and glancing at the cartoon masterpiece before her. “If it makes you feel better I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, everything.”

A month passed, a year and then two, an eleven-year-old Lapis stood in front of her room satisfied with her work. Pai standing beside her, a spanner in his hands, panting heavily from the exertion. A hospital bed laid constructed before them in a newly painted room. Patterns of green leaves bursting from a deep pine forest and flowing river decorated the walls. A wooden cupboard and a small television stood at the front of the room. Green bean bags and a brown fluffy carpet placed on the floors. Figurines of Ultraman and Godzilla on a tall shelf at the side of the room, placed beside a book stand holding Mal’s favorite books. 

“You think she’ll like it?” Lapis asked her father and the man smiled ruffling his fingers through her black hair. 

“Yes, Laz, she’ll love it.”

Then Mal came back, the girl gushing at her room, walking in, limping slightly holding a walking stick in her hand. “You did this?” she asked and Lapis nodded, giggling as her sister pounced on her. They laid on the bed for a moment staring at the ceiling, Mae hugging Pai as they glanced at them lovingly.

“Welcome back Mal,” Lapis whispered, the girl smiling brightly. 

“I’m home, Laz.”

Slowly but surely, things went back to normal...well as normal as it could be. Mal still had to make her weekly visits to the hospital and when it happened, the girl became a moody, often angry, collapsing into a sobbing mess. It was hard but Lapis would help, trying her best to cheer the girl up. She was slapped, hit, cursed, but Lapis did not care. She knew her sister was in pain and she wanted to do anything to make it better, to take the pain away. When the visits ended and the checkups positive, Mal would be alright again and Lapis would have her sister back.

Mal couldn’t go to school so Lapis would take pictures, showing Mal what she did. Mal often pouting about the classes she couldn’t go to, Lapis telling her that it wasn’t that special. Jasper came over sometimes, often hanging out in Mal’s room playing games. Despite Jasper's insensitivity, Mal and her got along well. Jasper had no pity for the sick girl plight and was always pushing her. 

And for a while, things have been good. Mae could breathe again and Pai went back to work. Lapis spending every waking moment with Mal, feeding her every desire. 

“I want to be free, Laz,” Mal commented one day as they sat by the beanbags watching a sappy cartoon from the 80s. 

“Mal?” Lapis asked, chills running down the back of her spine as Mal’s grey tired eyes peered into hers. “I want to be free of this sickness, I want it to go away.”

“It will Mal, give it-”

“You’re not the one with the illness!” the girl snapped, the anger erupting again and Lapis winced as fist crashed into her chest, pounding it. It stunned her but she allowed it to happen. Mal needed this, Mal needed to vent...she was right...Lapis wasn’t sick...she needed to be more careful with her words.

“I don’t want this Laz,” Mal whispered a while later, laying on Lapis, clutching to her shirt tightly, “I want to be free, I want to go to school, I want to make friends, I want to run, I want to jump, I want to paint, I want to read...I want to do so many things.”

“I know Mal and I will help you.”

“I want to be you,” Mal continued and suddenly Lapis was pinned to the ground, wincing from the impact, her sister above her, becoming dark, her weight suddenly feeling like chains, dragging her down into the depths of an abyss she could not see.

“Mal?” 

Her words digging deep and Lapis pushed her away, fear gripping her as the girl stared at her with hollow grey eyes. “Mal what’s wrong?” she called out to the girl and then everything came apart. She was screaming, shaking violently from the spasm and Lapis panicked, calling out her name, reaching out and failing to catch her collapsing sister. The girl landing on the ground with a resounding thud.

Mae called the ambulance, Pai shaking Mal frantically trying to revive her. Lapis standing quietly by the corner, the guilt and darkness slowly swallowing her whole. 

A month passed and Mal sat in the ICU, the machines beeping loudly. Her hair gone, a bandaged wrapped tightly around her head. A drip inserted into her swollen wrist. She was miserable, often crying, lashing out, calling for Lapis when she wasn’t there.

“Take care of her Lapis,” Pai said, and Lapis did. Day after day, night after night, skipping school, every waking hour, by the girl’s side. She was exhausted but she had a promise. Soon, Lapis thought, soon she’ll be fine. She’ll be back, my sister...she’ll be back laughing and well. The sickness would be over, she’ll be home.

But it was not to be, it got worse. Pai working more hours to pay for the bills, Mae trying hard but crying, breaking down into sobs, holding onto Lapis for support during the nights. Lapis struggling to keep afloat, trying hard to keep everything together, to stop it from collapsing. 

“Mal you got to eat,” Lapis coaxed, pushing the spoon towards the girl’s chapped lips. The spoon was flung away, a hand hitting her across the cheeks. Anger gripped her and she launched herself forward, hands wrapping around neck, squeezing tightly. Choking, a flash of pain and then realization. Lapis falling back, stunned at what she’d done. Mal panting on the bed coughing from the assault, then a smirk appearing slowly on her lips. 

“That’s it Lapis,” she rasped, “Do it, do it!”

Lapis ran out of the ward, down the corridors crashing into the cubicles, vomiting into the toilet bowl. She was trembling violently, her hands shaking from what she had just done. _You wanted to kill her. Why did you stop? You hate her, don’t you?_ **No, it can’t be, shut up, please shut up. ****_Do it! Do it Lapis, what are you waiting for?_** Malachite’s voice lingering, swirling...and she sobbed, something breaking in her. 

Mal came home a month later. The girl a shadow of herself, quiet and broody, her mood swings terrible. Pai had told her to be strong, Mae telling her to stay by her side and Lapis was trapped. The choices already made for her, so she stayed. Sitting quietly beside the raging girl, trying hard to keep things as normal as possible. Never wanting to lose control ever again. 

But it didn’t matter what she did. It didn’t matter how hard she tried...Mal was never coming back. Her sweet sister, the cheerful smiles, the warmth was not there anymore. All that remained was pain, the lingering smell of rotten flesh, of antiseptic and of poison.

A deep, black, murky poison that was eating Lapis inside. 

“Where are you going!” Mal screamed, Pai was working, Mae was out shopping for groceries and Lapis was alone...alone with her poison. 

“I’ll tell them, I’ll tell them you're leaving me alone! I’ll tell them you tried to strangle me! Where are you going Lapis!” she screamed. Lapis ignoring her, pulling out her phone, requesting for Jasper to wait for her. 

“Out,” she replied and her sister broke down into hysterics, screaming like a banshee.

“Stop throwing a fucking tantrum!” Lapis shouted, suddenly having enough. “I hate it. I fucking hate this! Why! Is nothing ever enough for you! I have given you everything, FUCKING EVERYTHING! WHY!” 

There was silence when she was done and then sadness, sadness so deep it took root, piercing like hot knives. Malachite glancing at her, tears spilling out. “Please Lapis,” she pleaded, “Don’t leave me.”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Lapis admitted, slumping into the walls as Malachite cried.

“But you promised...everything.”

“Yeah, but I can’t.”

She left, ignoring the pleas ignoring her cries. It’ll just be a short time, Lapis thought to herself, a short time away, to breathe, to have time for myself...it’ll just be for a short time.

**Just one day…**

* * *

“_Be their hero, Clark. Be their monument, be their angel, be anything they need you to be. Or be none of it. You don’t owe this world a thing. You never did.”_ Martha Kent whispered on screen, the woman speaking kindly, comforting a man with a burden of the world on his shoulders. 

And Lapis was far away...again. Even though she was seated beside her on a makeshift picnic sheet they had spread out on the slightly wet grass, she wasn’t there. Her eyes taking on the same glassy quality she often had when she was thinking about something. Peridot observed her carefully, holding onto her hands trying to keep the girl grounded. The DC movie of Batman V. Superman playing loudly on the screen before them. 

There were others like them, seated by the grass, leaning on each other. Some kissing, others cuddling, some with families and others alone. The movie an event under the stars was organized by Beach City’s very own mayor. An attempt, it would seem to boost tourism. It was working though, and here it was again, a yearly event under the Autumn night sky. 

“Laz?” Peridot called out, squeezing the girl’s hands, “Lapis…” she tried again and the girl glanced at her, a small smile replacing that blank expression she had. _ You don’t need to hide it. _ Peridot had wanted to say but she held back, flicking a finger at the girl’s forehead.

“Ouch, What is that for?” Lapis asked frowning.

“I’ve been calling you for the last five minutes, what happened, Batman brooding charm got to you?” she teased.

“No,” Lapis smirked, “Superman’s red underwear...the best.”

Peridot choked on the coke she had been sipping and she laughed loudly, earning her a few stares from the audience beside her. “Great Lapis, now we’ve made enemies,” Peridot chided and the girl shrugged leaning back, motioning for Peridot to do the same. 

They landed on the mat, Peridot laying on Lapis’s chest and they stayed that way for a while, Peridot listening to Lapis’s softly beating heart. “Where were you Lapis?” she asked.

“Here, watching a movie with you,” Lapis teased.

“You know what I mean Lapis,” Peridot sighed and the girl stiffened slightly. The tension thick in her body, Peridot instinctively reaching out to hold her. “Do I have to answer?” she whispered and Peridot shook her head.

“No, I just wanted to ask,” Peridot whispered.

“Good, cause I can’t...not now,” Lapis answered, “Besides, I’ll rather watch the movie.”

Peridot snorted, “You don’t even like DC Lapis.”

“That’s ridiculous, I’ll have you know that spiderman is one of my favorite movies.” 

“Lapis...you’re joking right?”

“Marvel, DC, psst same thing.”

“You’re going to start a fan war if you don’t keep it down,” Peridot retorted and Lapis chuckled. 

“A fire starter...you’re like one of those internet trolls,” Peridot muttered.

“It’s fun, you should try it sometime.”

“Sorry but I have better ways to use my free time.”

“Oh, like what?”

Peridot smirked, leaning closer to Lapis, “Like spending time with you.”

The girl paused and she yelped, Lapis had pulled her in, hugging her tightly, their noses almost touching. “Trying to seduce me, Costa?”

“What! No!”

Peridot sitting up, blushing. “Trying to flirt Peri?” 

“You’re insufferable, Lapis,” she snapped and the girl chucked, before grabbing her again and they fell onto the mat, Lapis holding her tightly, her face buried in Peridot’s shoulder. 

“Lapis?”

“Just...let me stay...like this,” Lapis whispered, her breath sending tingles down Peridot’s spine and Peridot nodded, eventually resting her chin on the girl’s blue hair. Lapis was behaving like a child, she thought. Her hold was tight, clingy like she was trying to find safety. It was desperate. Peridot knew they shouldn’t be hugging like this, in public, in front of other people, but she found that she did not care. Lapis was too important and she wanted more than anything to understand the stranger Lapis was not showing her.

“I’m glad Peridot,” Rose had told her during one of her visits to the dorm. She had been waiting for Lapis to return from afternoon classes and was spending her time playing the PS4 with Rose Quartz. The girl had been waiting for Pearl and was surprisingly good with games. 

“Glad about?” Peridot asked, sticking out her tongue at a rather difficult part in the racecourse, the controller twisting violently in her hands. “Glad that LL returned,” Rose continued and Peridot paused, the racing vehicle on the screen veering off course and crashing into the fence. 

“What do you mean?” she asked carefully and Rose stopped the game, placing the controller down. The taller girl with dyed pink hair giving her a meaningful glance. “I met Lapis when we were twelve, she was Jasper’s childhood friend and well we didn’t really know each other back then.”

“Why?”

“Cause LL wasn’t always around. I would only see her during lunch breaks and then she will head off immediately, at first it was to the hospitals and then back home. Jasper wouldn’t stop her...LL had a sister, Malachite...and she had to take care of her.”

“Mal?” Peridot whispered and Rose nodded. “Well, she was busy, but to be honest, I’ve always found it strange.”

“Strange?”

“Yes, it was as if LL was obsessed with her. During those times I’ve never seen LL leaving her sister’s side not once. So...when…” Rose stopped, before sighing, “So when Malachite died, LL crashed hard. I saw her at the funeral, it was like she wasn’t even there. Jasper tried to talk to her, but she was silent. Her parents were crying, her relatives sobbing...but Lapis...LL was quiet throughout. I’ve never seen anyone looked so sad before.”

Peridot gulped as Rose continued. “I made it my mission to get to know LL, to be her friend, because to me it felt like she would disappear if I didn’t do anything.”

“You felt it too?” Peridot asked.

“Everybody did, even insensitive Jasper,” Rose chuckled dryly, “Bismuth and I made LL our case. We brought her out after the funeral, chatted with her, made her the back up vocals of our band. Jasper would force her to hang out and they went wild at some of the parties and for a moment it would seem LL was doing good, but then one day she just disappeared.”

Rose turned back to the screen, grabbing the controller, starting the game again. The noise drowning out the questions swirling in Peridot’s mind. “She came back...right.”

“No,” Rose said, “We found her, well her Dad did. She was found in a ditch under some bridge, bleeding out.The doctors said she cut herself but we don’t know the full details. Anyway, for the month she disappeared we were frantic. Jasper and LL’s mother would spend every day going to the police station to ask about her. LL’s Dad, Bismuth and I would be scouring the streets during our free time. To be honest, I thought she was gone.”

As she said this, Peridot noticed the girl shivering a little. There was a tension that was still there, a fear that was left unsaid between the two of them. “It was a rough time for all of us. But then she was found and then she was back...we didn’t know what to make of it, so we kept quiet. LL stayed, but sometimes she’ll go for these long walks...disappear for short periods of time and it would drive Jasper crazy. Frankly, it drives me crazy too. Sometimes, I feel like she’ll be gone for good. Like I’ll wake up one day and she won’t be there. I don’t know if you get it but-”

“I get it,” Peridot whispered, “I understand.”

Rose smiled, falling silent, the only sounds were the clicks of buttons being pressed. Rose eventually finishing the race, placing the controller down on the coffee table before them. “Peridot,” she started, “Take care of LL ok?”

“I-”

“LL’s changed, I can see the spark in her eyes again. You make her happy Peridot, I’m glad she found you.”

Her words stunned Peridot and she smiled, “I’ll leave you for a bit.”

There was too much information, information that Peridot did not have time to process. Lapis and Pearl arrived later, Rose greeting Pearl with a kiss and Lapis giving her a small smile. _ I feel like she’ll disappear… _

Blue eyes, as deep as the oceans, peering into hers. _ What are you planning Lapis? What are you keeping from me? _

“Aw, he died,” Lapis voice broke through her memories and she turned to the screen just in time to see Superman’s coffin being lowered into the ground. The scene itself was gloomy, the skies overcast with gray clouds, a light vanquished from the world that seemed to be quietly sinking into darkness. The scene fades to black, Lex Luther stands behind bars screaming frantically to Batman who was walking away, his words lingering through the air.

** _“The Red Capes are coming! The Red Capes are coming!”_ **

Echoing loudly in Peridot’s ears, feeling like a warning that was about to come, unsettling and frightening. 

And suddenly, Lapis wasn’t in her arms, the warmth gone replaced by the icy breeze of Autumn’s night. Peridot grew afraid, looking around desperately trying to find the girl that had just vanished. “Lapis?” she called out standing up, looking around. Lapis was gone...

“Lapis!” 

“Peridot? What’s the matter?”

The girl appearing in front of her, holding onto a bucket of popcorn and drinks, frowning. “I told you I’m getting refills.”

Peridot sunk to her knees, relieve flooding her and Lapis settled down carefully beside her giving her a concerned glance. “You ok?” she asked.

“Don’t...don’t leave like that again,” Peridot whispered, reaching out, clasping Lapis’s hands tightly in hers. 

“Ok,” the girl whispered, “Ok.”

The next movie played on screen, a teenage indie movie based on a book, the perks of a wallflower. It gripped her, the protagonist Charlie seemingly similar to the stranger she wanted to know. Peridot glancing at Lapis who was staring at the screen, glued to it, and for some reason, Peridot grew afraid.

The movie carried on, the scenes changing, the events happening fast. Charlie’s life taking a downturn, his joy, his sorrows plastered for the world to see. It was raw, too raw and when he finally broke down, Peridot had to turn away. 

_ “Don’t wake your sister,” _Aunt Helen whispered in the film and then it broke. Peridot tightening her hold on the girl beside her watching as Lapis shivered. The scene changed quickly, a lorry hitting the car, blood splattering on the screen, lights flashing, glass breaking, a boy crying, trying to hold in a scream. 

_ “I’ve killed Aunt Helen didn’t I...I can’t stop thinking, what if I wanted her to die, Candice? _” The phone went dead and Peridot turned to the girl who was gripping her tightly, her lips pale, her face white, cold sweat appearing on her forehead. It was agony, pain Peridot had seen for fleeting seconds but never manifesting like this. Their characters overlapping together, Lapis like Charlie was breaking down.

“It’s my fault,” the girl whispered, feverishly. 

“Lapis?” Peridot whispered. “Stay with me.” 

The girl turned, drowning in misery, sorrow in her eyes filled with anguish making Peridot wince. 

“You promised me,” she continued and the girl gave her a wavering smile. 

Blank hollow eyes taunt stance, pain tethering at the edge, fickle answers, a promise that won’t be kept. _ She’s going to disappear...again. _

Somehow, Peridot knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is chapter 9. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Movies Referenced:  
Batman Versus. Superman  
The Perks of being a wallflower
> 
> Anime Referenced:  
Gundam
> 
> Comics Referenced:  
Spiderman
> 
> Companies Referenced:  
DC  
Marvel  
(pls don't sue me)


	10. D-Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and D-day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “She had tricked him. She had made him leave his old self behind and come into her world, and then before he was really at home in it but too late to go back, she had left him stranded there–like an astronaut wandering about on the moon. Alone.”― Katherine Paterson, Bridge to Terabithia

**Chapter 10**

**D-days **

It was raining the first time she tried to end it all, an unexpected shower that seemed to seep deep into her skin. Her clothes were soaked through adding another layer of weight to the oppressive heaviness that seemed to engulf her. 

There was a deep gash on her wrist, one that she had spent hours carving and it hurt like a bitch. Every time she moved, pain seared down her arms making it hard to breathe. The blood was not gushing out fast enough but Lapis did not have the strength or energy to make another cut. 

_ A failure...a complete and utter failure… _

What had she been doing this past month? Wandering from one place to another, visiting places they had been before...hoping, praying that she could see her one more time. 

"Where are you, Mal? Where the hell are you?"

Her sister, the girl she's been with all her life, gone. Her bed empty, the house a dark reminder of what they could not be. Her last words repeating itself over and over again. "She passed away, Laz," her dad's words echoing down the long hospital corridors. "She had been calling out for you," her mother whispered, "till the very end."

"Where were you?" They asked, hurt and pain, then the screams. Where was she? She had been out with Jasper, fooling around at the nearby park as her sister died alone and in pain. 

** _No. No. Please. I'm sorry. Please give her back. She can't be gone. She's all that I have. No, please, give her back to me. Please...please don't leave me Mal. Where are you? Where are you Mal? Don't leave me alone. _ **

“I want to be an artist, Laz,” Mal whispered one day, seated in the dark ward looking at the drawings pasted on the wall. It has been a year since she was first admitted and though she was much better than before, she was still sick. She was often tired and weak, needing help from others if she wanted to do anything. Lapis knew her usually independent sister was frustrated and she did her best to keep things as normal as possible.

“What would you draw?” Lapis asked, looking at the blank sheet before her sister, a pencil in her hand. Despite expressing the need to draw, Malachite has not drawn for a long time now. The pictures on the wall, Laz’s attempts to encourage her sister to start. They were all hers. 

“Anything,” Mal answered, smiling slightly.

“You can start now,” Lapis said, nudging her sister slightly and the girl sighed, placing the pencil down once again, looking out to the night sky beyond the window. 

“I know...I know I should...but...what’s the point,” she whispered, her voice becoming soft and Lapis frowned, not understanding the sadness in her sister’s eyes. 

“Mal?” she asked and the girl faced her, a watery smile on her lips. “I’m scared, Laz,” she admitted, “I’m scared of what comes after this.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll always be here, with you,” Lapis said, clasping her sister’s hands tightly in hers. 

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Even if…”

“Mal?”

** _“Even if I’m gone?”_ **

_ That was the day, wasn’t it? _ Lapis thought, clenching her teeth, biting down hard, breaking through skin, her lips bleeding. _ That was the day you found out about your sickness...you knew didn’t you...at ten...you knew you were going to die. _

** _The fear must be terrifying but you tried. I know you tried, I’ve been by your side all these while...and I promised. I promised to be there but then...I left. I left you alone and now you're gone. _ **

There was no Mal at the bookstore, her spirit lingering slightly on the pages of childhood stories, gone when they ended. There was no Mal at the park overlooking empire city, her laughter, the brightness in her eyes as they sat by the bench for hours on end talking about their futures, their dreams, their childish thoughts. There was no Mal at home, spent by the bed, watching the telly, discussing their favorite shows or movies. There was no Mal at the campsite they visited every year, roasting marshmallows, sleeping under starry skies covered in the warmth of their parents. There was no Mal by the museums, calling out to Pai as he explained each and every art piece, the stories making her eyes shine bright with childlike wonder. There was no Mal...anywhere, her presence wiped clean, burnt to ash, sitting in a box in their living room, on top of the fireplace. Cold dust settled in a ceramic box, her hopes, her dreams, her life...vanquished, snuffed out like a dying flame. 

**_I need to see you._** **_Where are you?_**

“You need to let go, Lapis,” Jasper commented one day as they were seated by the couches of a house party. The music blaring, Bismuth and Rose dancing wildly on the dance floor. Jasper hanging back passing Lapis her first underage beer. Fifteen, they were fifteen...two years older, two years without Mal. Lapis ignored the girl, taking a swig of beer, choking from the burn, glaring at Jasper who was chortling at her plight.

“This tastes like shit!” she exclaimed and Jasper shrugged. “Yeah, but it’ll do good, give it a try.”

Lapis taking another swig and then another. Soon, the world got blurry and the voices screaming in her head went numb. She felt nothing and she grinned. “Yeah, your right Jas,” She whispered, leaning back into the couch, “This feels great.”

“That’s the spirit Lapis!” Jasper said, pulling her up and dragging her to the dance floor. 

“Time to enjoy yourself! You're free Lapis!” Jasper continued. _ Free? _ She was free. Free from what? **Why am I still here? **

She walked away, ignoring Jasper’s calls, throwing the beer can on the ground. The pain growing too much, crushing her down. There were chains, phantom chains wrapped around her legs and they were not letting her go. ** _You promised, Lapis._ ** A voice...a voice she hadn’t heard in two years whispering into her ears.

“Mal…” Lapis choked, “I’m sorry.”

And she disappeared, wandering from place to place, ignoring everybody...searching desperately for an answer. An answer to end everything. She slept in motels, run-down shelters, a campsite, a bench...streets...searching, simply searching for…

_ Who are you looking for Lapis? _ ** _Just who are you looking for?_ **

**“She’s gone.” **

The cheap knife she stole provided an answer and she found herself underneath a bridge, bleeding out, memories of dead sisters and screaming parents swirling in her mind until there was nothing left but darkness.

The second time she attempted she had a plan. A loose concoction of messed up scribbles and web searches. The idea popping in her head as soon as college started. She had simply been existing for the past five years, going for parties, acting out on desires, fooling around. The scars from where she tried to end it hidden with watches, bracelets, long sleeves shirts, never taken out. There had been questions, from girls. Their naked bodies crashing into hers, a mess of hurt and drunkenness. “Lapis,” they would all say, crying out in pleasure as Lapis went down on them, ravaging their bodies, trying to bury herself deep into the dirt. They all ended one way or another. “You're messed up Lapis!” they would scream, their words deepening the poison that was eroding her heart. 

“I know,” Lapis would answer, but still she continued. 

The scar on her wrist never healing growing deeper, opening and healing, opening and bleeding. It will never heal, she needed the pain to drown out the voices inside. It helped for a while, but it was never enough 

It had been a blur, the parties, the girls...her parents absent from her life, the house empty. Her mother a guilty mess, her father drowning himself at work. They could not look at her. She knew what she had become...a monster, a stranger...somebody she could not recognize. 

Mal’s room was locked, a reminder of her last days hidden behind the darkness. Sometimes if Lapis strained hard enough she could hear her...hear Mal screaming behind closed doors, waiting silently for Lapis to arrive.

_ I’ll be with you soon. _ Lapis promised. She’ll be with Mal soon. 

And she planned, the date marked on her calendar, red crossed scattered across dates. Going through forums, through websites, searching for the answer to an end. She found it, a Clement Walters, a bridge, rushing waters...a vanishing act. 

It was a quiet way to die and Lapis was drawn to it. She took the first bus, the bridge a surprisingly small and she wandered. The waters rushing loudly below her, the sound defeating in her ears and she imagined. Water burrowing deep into her body, filling her up completely, sinking her down to the depths carrying her away to a place unknown. A lifeless corpse, disintegrating and rotting away. 

It was a fitting end for a monster and the thought alone comforted her. She had found an answer and the date was fixed. It would be cold, the river would freeze and she would disappear, silently. She went back home nearly euphoric. 

There were things to settle, an order of business to ensure there won’t be loose ends. That they won’t come looking for her when the time comes. She had made that mistake the first time and she won’t make it again. 

_ “Minimal Casualties,” _ She whispered the mantra forming in her head and she acted on it. Giving away her stuff, saving up the money for her parents. Spending more time with her friends, making sure they didn’t suspect a thing.

“I’m glad Lappy,” Bismuth had told her one day, looking at the figurines Lapis had given her. “I’m glad you’re happy.”

Lapis smiling, a practiced mask plastered over her lips. **Smile...you got to smile…**

“Yeah,” she answered, “Yeah…”

They didn’t suspect a thing, they did not ask, why should they...she was happy. She had to be. They were comforted by the fact. She wasn’t going to leave...not when she was **happy.**

The day came quickly and she left, walking slowly towards the bridge, waiting for an answer. She had stood by the edge, looking down and then the pain hit her. Her resolve was broken by the vibrating phone, ringing violently in her pockets. 

_ They still cared. _

She had pulled herself retreating from the edge. Stood and smoked silently into the darkness, failing for the second time.

“Where were you Lapis?” a woman asked, bringing her back to the present. Memories from D-days gone wrong lingering at the edge. They were seated in a small room covered in a variety of memorabilia from different countries. A lavender-scented candle burning gently by the side, a picture of Van Gogh Starry Starry Night hung from the wall behind the woman. Some plants and a warm lamp completed the room’s cozy interior. She had a pen in her hands, writing gently on a pad. 

“In this room Garnet,” Lapis answered and the woman sighed. Garnet Foster placed the pen down and Lapis found herself looking at a pair of different colored eyes. One blue and the other red, eyes that were glancing at her carefully. It’s been five years since her first session with the counselor, ever since her disappearing act her parents had forced her into therapy. Lapis didn’t mind Garnet, unlike the other counselors she visited, the woman never pried, never forced. She just allowed Lapis to be. 

Today though, today was different. “Lapis we both know sarcasm never helps. Why are you here?”

“Why can’t I be here?” Lapis asked and the woman picked up her pen, tapping it again

“Lapis, I have to force you to come. You would never come on your own accord. Then out of the blue you make an appointment...again I ask you, why are you here?” Garnet asked, there was a concern in the woman’s tone and Lapis flinched. _ Because it’ll be the last time. _

“I just needed to talk,” Lapis answered, a lie, a strained smile, and Garnet frowned, the older black woman reaching out, grabbing Lapis’s hands in hers. 

“Lapis, what’s wrong? Do you need me to call your parents?”

“No, Garnet, nothing is wrong. I just wanted to say-”

“Lapis, I’m worried,” the woman admitted and Lapis fell silent, her heart pounding hard in her ears. The woman gripping onto her tighter. “We were talking and then you went someplace else. You’re not here Lapis. Where were you? I can help you Lapis, please let me in.”

“Garnet,” Lapis whispered, struggling with herself, “It’s really nothing. I just wanted to say I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, thank you.”

“Why does this feel like it’ll be the last time I’ll see you?” Garnet answered truthfully and Lapis paused, pulling her hands away from Garnet’s grip. 

“It’s not, I promise,” she answered a little too quickly, wincing at her mistake and Garnet tensed. Lapis standing up to exit the office. “Lapis, promise me,” Garnet calling out, “Promise you’ll call me! Lapis!”

Lapis ignoring the woman, walking slowly, before running. Garnet was behind her, giving chase and she ran down the stairwell, not looking back. She ran down the streets turning corners and into an alley. The frantic woman gone, lost. Lapis taking in a shuddering breath, looking to the paper bag in her hands. “Shit,” she whispered. The small figurine of an elephant from Thailand her parents had gotten her years ago sat nestled in it. She had wanted to give it to Garnet, the woman having loved all things exotic...but it had backfired. Garnet was usually perceptive and had figured it out. Time was running out, she had to act fast or her plan would never work. 

She placed the paper bag down on wet pavement ground. The grey sky above her clouded over with thick clouds. She closed her eyes, leaning on the alley walls, the rough walls biting into her skin. A year ago she had tried and failed...and it was winter again, snow would be falling soon, the river would be freezing...this time...she won’t fail. 

* * *

‘What do you mean you've lost her?!” Peridot seethes into her phone, looking to Lars who raised an eyebrow. “Amy, you had one job. Yes, yes I know I’m being paranoid...no, Amy listen to me, please you gotta find her...I…”

“Ok, ok, but you owe me Peridot,” Amethyst annoyance coming through the receiver. “Why are we doing this again? Lapis is a grown-up, she can take care of herself.”

“I know that,” Peridot sighed, “But Amy, something is up, I can feel it…”

“Fine Peri, but this is the last time.”

“Thanks, Amy.”

“You two better be a couple by the end of this or I’ll personally murder the both of you myself,” Amethyst muttered and the line went dead. Peridot releasing the call, clutching her phone tightly, sighing.

“What’s happening?” Lars interjected, leaning on the counter peering at her with concern.

It has been a weird two months. After the movie, something changed. Lapis was happier, more active than she was before. The pain and everything Peridot had seen vanished and it would seem Lapis was living again, moving forward at a pace faster than light. They went to many places, the beach, hikes up mountains, countless funfairs, a few live gigs even anime conventions with both Lars and his friend Sadie. It had been busy, Peridot having to juggle these activities with school and work, trying hard to keep up with Lapis. 

It was as if the night at the movies never happened. To be honest, it scared Peridot, sure, hanging out with the girl had been fun. She was happy, glad that the girl wanted to hang out, but this felt different. It felt rushed, almost like a prelude to an end. 

An end that Peridot was still trying to figure out. The answer was always there but out of grasps, vanishing as soon as Lapis smiles. The girl was reckless, spending money left right and center, buying countless items for Peridot but never for herself. “Why?” Peridot had asked after the tenth time, receiving a rather large stuffed toy from the girl. 

“I just felt like it,” Lapis answered before pulling her towards the funfair where they sat for hours on rides, spinning, falling, swirling, a mess of happiness and confusion. The nagging feeling always at the back of her mind, always haunting her. Autumn passed quickly and soon winter arrived. It had been a year, a year since she met Lapis and today would mark the first day they met. A stranger covered in snow appearing from the depths of darkness into her world. 

“It’s Lapis,” Peridot answered the questioning boy. “Doesn’t she...seem a little off to you?”

Lars snorted, turning back to the counters, wiping it down with a towel. “Lazuli has always been off to me, I can’t tell the difference P,” he remarked and Peridot rubbed her hair in frustration.

“Hey, hey what’s wrong, what did Lazuli do this time?”

“Nothing, she’s doing nothing. I just...I can’t leave her alone, I don’t know Lars...I have this strange feeling and it’s not going away,” she said, placing her phone down on the counter, looking out at the grey clouds outside the convenience store. The clouds blocking out the light, gloomy, grey and depressing. It was going to snow soon and the world of red and yellows would turn white again.

“I hate winters,” Lapis had said one day. They were seated by a large rock overlooking the beautiful temperate forest before them. The yellow and red leaves of the numerous trees gleaming brightly under the setting sun. A campfire slowly burning spreading embers into the golden sky between them. There were sleeping bags beside the fire and a pot filled with campfire food. “Japanese curry, the best,” Lapis beamed. The camping trip of two days an impromptu decision made by Lapis after Peridot’s year-end exams. She had appeared outside their college with an array of stuff, from sleeping bags to a folded up tent. 

Peridot gaping at her appearance, the girl receiving countless stares from professors and students from the Science faculty. 

“Lapis where in heavens name are you taking me this time?” Peridot asked for what felt like the hundredth time. The past week had been hectic between hanging out with Lapis and studying for her exams, what Peridot wanted now was sleep. However, it would seem it was not meant to be. 

“Come on Peri, you’ll like it,” Lapis signaled for her to follow and Peridot sighed. She was not dressed for outdoor activities, still in her alien black hoodie, brown pants and black flats. “Lapis, can I at least change first?”

Something was shoved into her hands and she found herself looking at a small backpack. Amethyst messy scrawl wrote haphazardly on it. “_ Enjoy your alone time together, nerd ;)” _

Peridot sighed. Figures, Amethyst would agree to this. 

She followed Lapis and they boarded a bus, hand in hand, Lapis leading them up a mountain covered with temperate trees. The air was fresh, the ground a little moist, covered in leaf litter. Peridot being pulled along before crashing into a small clearing overlooking another hilly forest. “Ta-dah,” Lapis said and Peridot groaned, Lapis appearing above her.

“You need to work out Peri, you’re so slow,” she commented and Peridot waved her away in annoyance. 

“Try walking after pulling an all-nighter then you tell me. Art students are so free!” she complained and Lapis chuckled. 

“We’re not, I’m just not using the time to finish my art piece,” Lapis commented, “Besides, it’s a nice day so I thought...why not sleep out?”

“The idea just pops into your head doesn’t it?” 

“Admit it, Peri, you don’t hate it,” Lapis smirked, “And look,” she pointed to the trees surrounding them, the red and yellow hues of the different trees rustling gently in the gentle autumn breeze, “It’s beautiful.”

Peridot looking to the girl, smiling slightly. “Yeah...yeah, it is.”

Lapis got to work almost immediately, setting up the camp with expert ease. It was as if she had done this many times before. They cooked, ate and talked, the time spent together easy and fun, Peridot finally relaxing, rubbing a stuffed stomach as she laid on the huge rock. Lapis beside her sitting quietly watching as the sun sets casting golden rays of orange and purple across the blue skies.

“Why do you hate winter?” Peridot asked and the girl shrugged. “It’s cold, there’s snow everywhere and it’s a pain to get rid off,” she answered.

“Hmm…” Peridot muttered, “I like winters though.”

“Why?”

Peridot paused, blushing slightly peering at the girl, “BecauseImetyou.” she said a little too quickly and Lapis leaned in, a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” she whispered.

“You did too!” Peridot protested and the girl nudged her. “I did not, care to repeat that?”

“Shut up you clod!” 

“So shy Peri,” Lapis said and before Peridot could stop her she was hugging her tightly. Her grip tight and they fell back hitting the leafy ground, Peridot wincing from the impact and Lapis giggling slightly when she glared at her. “If I have a bruise tomorrow I’m blaming you,” she complained and the girl buried her face in Peridot’s neck, causing Peridot to yelp, blushing hard almost immediately. This...this was new.

“I might like winter now,” the girl whispered, her breath tickling Peridot’s neck and goosebumps formed running down to her shoulders and arms. 

“Lapis?” Peridot whispered nervously and the girl hugged her tighter. Peridot remaining very still, her heart racing so fast she thought it’ll burst. 

“She’s gone Peri,” the girl whispered, it was soft but Peridot caught it and she paused. “She’s not here...anywhere. No matter where I go, no matter what I do...I can’t get her back.”

“Lapis?” Peridot questioned, trying to pull away from the girl’s grip but the girl held on tight, not letting her go. She couldn’t see Lapis’s expression but she felt the anguish. It was the first time since the movie that she had seen the girl this way. 

“Lapis please tell me what’s wrong,” Peridot pleaded and the girl gave a shuddering breath. 

Then it was done, the girl released her, a smile on her face. The pain gone, hidden again and Peridot stood up quickly, breathless, clutching her neck, looking to the girl...and her doll-like expression. Afraid, she was afraid of what was to come and Peridot reached out, the girl stopping her. 

“Lapis?”

“Let’s sleep, we’ve got a long day tomorrow. I still haven’t shown you the lake,” Lapis chirped 

“Lapis...do you trust me?” the words spilled out and the girl turned, that smile...that fake smile that wouldn’t reach her drowning eyes. “Yes,” she said, “Yes I do.”

_ It was a lie. _

And Peridot fell silent, hurt building slowly inside her. The words stuck in her throat and she couldn’t swallow. The girl settled into the sleeping bag and Peridot did the same. The silence stretched out between them, the warmth dying with the burnt out fire, glowing embers vanishing into ash. 

“I’m here Lapis,” she whispered into the silence, the darkness stretching out, “I’m always here.”

“Sleep Peridot, we’ve got a long way tomorrow.”

She couldn’t sleep, not like this, not when the questions remain unanswered out in the open. Not when she saw the pain. Not when she knew...not when it felt like everything was ending soon. 

She got out of her sleeping bag and walked over to the girl’s sleeping form, laying beside her. Wrapping an arm around her, she hugged her tightly. _ She’s still here... _ Peridot comforted herself, feeling the girl’s warmth, _ She’s still here. _

It has been a week since the incident and now Peridot stood by the counter cursing everything that she had to work today of all days. For the past week, she had stuck close, not wanting to leave Lapis’s side. When she had to leave, she would enlist the help of Jasper, Bismuth, Rose or Amethyst. They were reluctant at first but when Peridot explained they agreed. They've all noticed. Jasper even commenting that Lapis's behavior was similar to the one she had a year ago. 

Giving away her stuff, hanging out nearly excessively and then disappearing. Peridot did not want Lapis to be alone...but they’ve lost her. Amethyst had lost her and now she was. Peridot couldn’t sit still, not here, at the job, waiting...waiting for something to happen. She had to stop Lapis, whatever Lapis was trying to do.

“I feel like she’s going to kill herself,” Peridot admitted to Lars and the boy stopped, placing the towel down on the counter. He had a contemplative look on his face and he gasped.

“Lars?”

“She told me to take care of you,” he said, almost breathlessly, like he was realizing something too late. “Where is she now Peridot?” he asked and Peridot trembled slightly.

“We...we lost her, Amy couldn’t find her after…she entered the counselor’s office...oh gods…”

“Two months ago...she told me to take care of you, I thought she was joking with me, fucking with my poor head. I just couldn’t understand why she would give you up...to a guy that had a crush.”

Peridot paused, suddenly realizing and blushing furiously. Lars glancing at her, rubbing the back of his head nervously. “That was why we couldn’t get along, P,” he said, “I wasn’t going to tell you like this...but it doesn't matter now." 

"I'm sorry Lars," Peridot started after a moment and the boy held up a hand to stop her. "Ah, ah," he said, "I know what you're going to say and frankly I'm not surprised. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out." 

Peridot falling silent. "I liked you Peridot, but your heart it belongs to her, I was jealous of that fact...but when she told me to take care of you I was perplexed. I asked her why and she told me that your happiness meant more to her than anything in this world. That was when I knew," Lars paused, smiling wryly, "that I would lose."

Peridot did not know how to feel about this. On one hand, she was embarrassed by the fact that Lars had a crush on her and on the other hand overjoyed that Lapis felt the same. But then the urgency of the situation got to her and she almost panicked. 

"I need to find her Lars," Peridot whispered and the boy nodded. 

"Yes and I'll help you. We can close the shop for a while, I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind." Lars said, peeling off his apron.

"Thanks, Lars," Peridot said and the boy shrugged, "Hey sometimes you gotta use your privileges...me being the son and all…" 

Peridot was about to take off her apron when the shop doors slid open. Both girl and boy turning to look at the new intruder. 

"Sorry sir we're closing soon is there anything you-" Lars stopped eyes widening, pushing Peridot behind him and she gasps. The man was big, taller than both of them dressed in a black trench coat, a mask over his face and in his hand was a long gleaming knife. 

* * *

"Lapis...is that you?" Her mother whispered, a hand over her lips to hide her concern as Lapis strolled in through the front doors. She hadn't been home for a long time. The last time she was here was a year ago, the house had been empty and she had left her parents with a fat envelope filled with money. 

Lapis paused at the sight of her mother, cursing silently. As usual, things were not going her way. 

"Mae," Lapis greeted, slowly backing away as the woman approached her. A shadow of herself, Azul Lazuli, stood, her once black hair a gray mess, her beautiful face covered in wrinkles and eye bags, her hands shaking just slightly. "Lapis, where are you going?" She whispered softly, there was fear and concern in her expression, one that Lapis did not like. 

"I'm here for a few art supplies, I won't be long," Lapis replied, trying to keep her tone as casual as possible. 

"Lapis...Garnet called. Pappi is on his way…”

Lapis pausing as her mother reached out and she backed away. "Talk to me, please, Lapis...please." 

Try as she might, Lapis couldn’t, not when she could still remember her parents' hurt...their hatred burning deeply. The anger lingering on the tips of their tongues. Their hesitation to talk. They all knew who was to blame. 

_ “Why weren’t you there! Why did you leave her alone! Lapis answer me!” _ Mae was screaming, she would not stop. Fist pounding rapidly as they stood outside the morgue. Lapis collapsing as Pai delivered the news. Eyes filled with hurt with blame, glaring at hers. _ “I told you to take care of her! I told you Laz!” _ Pai whispering harshly, his voice cold. She was alone and in pain. There was blood on the sheets as she collapsed in agony, her heart giving out and Lapis was not there. She was not there to revive her. She was not there to call the ambulance. She was not there to help to aid her. **“Did I kill her?”** she asked, the question swirling becoming a mess, turning into an ache that would not go. 

Her mother being home was not part of the plan. It never was. The brown envelope holding cash was clenched tightly in her hands. A last gift to her parents, one that she had gotten from the gigs. It was supposed to be just a short errand. A quick trip and then she'll be done...but here Mae was, standing alone in a shriveled state, rushing home from her part-time job. Lapis swallowed, placing the envelope on the counter and the woman stared at it with disdain. 

"We don't need that Lapis," she said, "we don't need that money. Lapis, all we need is-"

“It’s over Mae,” Lapis cut through, halting her mother’s speech mid-sentence. “It’s over, it's done.”

“Lapis.”

“Stop calling my name,” Lapis choked, “Stop telling me you care! Stop forcing me to stay!” 

Eyes widened, a desperate cry as Lapis started for the door, her mother tripping, falling. Lapis stopping for a second trying to drown out the pleas but she moved. 

“Lapis! Lapis please!” 

Her voice lingering in the air, the doors shut behind her and then it was done. Leaning on the banister, Lapis took in an excruciating breath. For a second, she considered then grieve took her and pain, stinging sharp convulsing. ** _It’s done._ **

She took a long walk, down the quiet neighborhood, memories of Mal scattered around, a ghost that was never coming back. She walked along the playground remembering the times she spent with Mal, playing and laughing, days gone by. Down the shophouses, Mal gleaming as Pappi bought them ice cream and they ate licking up the goodness. Down the bus stops, two girls waiting, talking about their futures, Mal’s excitement boundless, her dreams were endless, stretching out. A teacher, an astronaut, a writer, an artist...endless possibilities. Then the sickness struck and she turned. Her lips lashing out nothing but hurtful words, screaming and shouting over and over. It was tiring but Lapis persevere. She wanted to help, she wanted to exchange places, wanted to take her sister's pain away but then it happened. Hands wrapped around neck, squeezing tight, Lapis turning into poison.

Boarding the bus, she arrived at her destination. The dark skies above, clouded over with gray clouds, snow...freezing icy cold snow falling quietly into the hard concrete ground. 

Mal...Malachite Lazuli was like snow. A fleeting existence, falling slowly, lingering for just a moment, disappearing in an instance. _ I’ll be with you soon, Mal. _ Lapis thought as she stood beside the bridge, staring at the rushing waters below. The sound all too defeating in her ears, a finale to come. 

Just like the year before, her phone was vibrating violently in her pockets. She won’t make the same mistake again. Flipping it out she threw it onto the ground and watch in triumph as it smashed onto the pavement, breaking into pieces. **There, she was done. It was finally going to be over.**

She proceeded forward, the pain gripping her, voices whispering, discontented with how slow she was going. Standing by the edge, Lapis lifted herself up almost methodically. The waters rushing below, a wind passing by the cold making her wince and then…

_ “Promise me, Lapis.” _

Lapis closed her eyes trying to drown out the voice.

_ “Promise me you won’t leave, promise you’ll stay here...by my side.” _

Blonde messy hair ruffling in the breeze, dimples on slightly tanned freckled cheeks, slender petite stature, small hands reaching out, touching her gently, lips lingering on skin, cuddled together, eyes, green eyes like the forest, the deepest forest, pulling her in with gentleness..._ Peridot, I want to see you. _

_ “Yeah, you're the first. Just so you know I consider you my friend.” _

_ "Do you want me to answer that or do we keep the status quo?" _

_ "I'm here, I'm always here Lapis." _

_ "I’ll give you time Lapis, but you can’t stop me.” _

_ “Do you really need an answer Lapis? Do you really need me to spell it out for you?” _

_ "Stay with me...Lapis." _

_ “You clod.” _

She collapsed onto the pavement, panting hard. The longing so powerful she gasped. It stings, it fucking hurts. There was no leaving this. She had to get rid of this feeling. It was powerful and it made her want to stay. She couldn’t move forward, Peridot would be sad and she could not bear that. She had to end whatever this was. She needed to tell Peridot to move on. 

**She needed Peridot to leave. **

_ That’s a lie, isn’t it? _ Lapis getting up, stumbling at first, holding back a sob and then she was running again. Running towards the convenience store, the place where they first met. Her heart leading her back to where it would always belong. _ You just want to see her...one last time. _

The store came into sight and she slowed, pausing, not wanting to proceed. She was scared, afraid of being held back. Lapis had made a decision but somehow she knew...that if she saw Peridot, she would stay. Peridot was too dangerous, a bump in her plan, crashing into her world. She was not a fling, not some girl she used as a drug to forget...Peridot…

Her name a feverish call resounding continuously in her heart. 

She approached the store cautiously, peering in and time stopped. There was a man, a huge burly looking man with wild animal looking eyes. He was shouting, screaming at Lars who stood in front of Peridot, shrinking back from the knife held out by the man. The man lunges forward, pushing Lars away and suddenly Peridot was in his arms, a knife to her throat and Lapis burst through.

The man distracted by her appearance.

The man didn’t matter...Lars didn’t matter...her plan didn’t matter...nothing mattered. Time slowed, Peridot was in his arms, knife to her throat…** _save her, goddammit save her!_ **

“Peridot!” Lapis shouted, calling her name pushing the man and they fell to the ground. The man crying out, releasing Peridot. Lapis scrambling for control, taking Peridot and shielding her, clutching her tight, feeling the girl, alive and breathing in her hold. 

“La...Lapis?” Peridot breathes and Lapis cried, the relief so strong it made her weak.

“Peri,” she whispered, “Peri...I’m…”

“LAZULI!” Lars yelled a warning and then there was a sharp pain by her side. The man was above her, a sick grin to his lips and he twisted the knife, Lapis crying out as she collapsed on the ground. He kicked her and she gasped and Peridot cried out, lunging towards him trying to stop the man. He slapped her away and Peridot fell, a bruise to her cheeks. And Lapis...Lapis saw red. 

“You fucking bitch!” he shouted, “Now you die!” 

_ Die? _ Lapis smirked, grabbing a hold of the man’s hands still clutching the knife. Her fingernails digging into his flesh and he gasped in horror. She pulled him closer and the knife went in deeper. It burnt, searing through like hot iron. ** _“You’ll be doing me a favor,”_ ** she spat and he cried out as blood leaked from her wounds onto his hands. There was fear. This was something that he was not expecting.

**You hurt her! **

He released her and she pulled the knife out, finding a strength she never thought she possessed raising it above him. He fell back, shrieking and she slammed it down. It pierced through his shoulder, stabbing him in the arm and he screamed. 

“Lazuli! What the fuck let go!” Lars shouted, Peridot calling out her name desperately. 

There was a struggle, Lars hitting the man over the head with a pole and he collapsed. Lapis releasing the knife, finding blood gushing from her side and she smiled. Peridot screaming her name as she sunk, the blood soaking through her white shirt. There were hands prying, pulling, laying her on the side.

“Lapis, please...oh gods, Lapis stay with me!” Peridot screaming.

“Lazuli, you fucking idiot, why the hell did you, what the fuck!”

“Lars call the ambulance!” Peridot shouted. There was panic, a flurry of movement and then Peridot. “It’s ok,” she whispered, her breaths becoming weak. Her vision blurry and it was cold...so cold...

Peridot was holding her, tears streaming down her cheeks. She was shaking and she looked so sad. Lapis grimaced, the pain shooting through her back. All she ever wanted was Peridot to be happy...to be safe. She never wanted the girl to be hurt. 

“You clod, you clod why did you do that, why!?” the girl cried. 

**No...no...don't be sad. Please don’t cry. I don’t want you to cry. I...**

“I…”

“Don’t speak, please, Lapis...please...stay.”

She couldn’t, she had a plan and it was finally fulfilled. She had protected the girl, hadn’t she? She had saved Peridot, not Mal though. It was too late for Mal...but Peridot, Peridot was safe. No one could hurt her anymore, not the knife-wielding man, not the bullies from her past and most definitely not..._ Lapis. _

**And that was all that mattered. **

“Peri, I..” Lapis whispered, darkness taking her, her death imminent. A peace washed over her and a genuine smile appears on her lips. **I’ll tell her...so please don’t cry Peridot...I will always…**

“Love you.”

**And it was finally...over. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is chapter 10. Don't kill me. Thanks for reading this story, I really appreciate the support :D


	11. The Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title suggests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “It's all very simple. But maybe because it's so simple, it's also hard.”― Natsuki Takaya

There were flowers, white flowers arranged in bundles on stands and they stood beside a brown lacquered coffin. A soft hymn was played on a small organ, the notes lingering through the cold air. A picture placed in front of the coffin, a photo of a smiling girl. Short black hair, a smiling face, dimples on cheeks, blue sparkling eyes that she would never see again. 

Peridot sat silently, defeated, slumped on the chair. She felt lost, she did not know what to do. Around her, there were others, Jasper...Bismuth...Rose...Pearl...Amethyst...Lars...Ruby and Sapphire. Jasper hitting the wall continuously. Rose sobbing breaking down as Pearl held her. Bismuth trying hard to pull Jasper back. Lars beside her, holding her hand, squeezing it. His touch was warm but it was doing nothing. Nothing felt right anymore. A light has been vanquished and all Peridot could see was the darkness.

It was consuming her whole and it was pain. Agonizing, tearing her apart, piece by piece. She could still hear her voice, she could still feel her touch and then the blood. So much blood. They had tried to stop it. Peridot desperately placing a hand over the pumping wound. Lars ripping open packets of unsold bandages to place over the wound.

_ “It would be fine, she’ll be fine,”  _ the paramedics had told her as they ripped her from Lapis. She watched as they wheeled the girl into the ambulance and then they were off. It was the last time and she had let go. 

And now...Lapis Lazuli was gone. Vanquished from the world, snuffed out like a candle in the wind.

“Where are you,” Peridot whispered, suddenly feeling so much, feeling too much. Feeling like she wanted to die. She wrenched her hands away from Lars’s hold and made her way, stumbling down the halls towards the coffin.

“Please,” she pleaded, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Please wake up, Lapis...no, you can’t-” she cried out and she collapsed on the closed box. She lifted the covers, tears blurring her vision, swirling, a mess. She could not think, she could not breathe.

“Where are you,” she whispered.

“Peri! Peridot!” a voice shouting at her. A hand gripped her and then she wasn’t there, she was seated on a chair in a brightly lit corridor...there were no flowers, no coffin, no pictures of dead loved ones…a voice waking her from this nightmare.

_ Where is she? _

**Chapter 11**

**Still here**

"Where is she?!" Jasper shouted as she ran down the empty brightly lit corridor of the hospital. Peridot slumped on the seats staring blankly at the operating sign. Her eyes tearing from a nightmare. It had felt so real and she was shivering badly. It’s been three hours, an agonizing three hours of waiting. Lars was beside her, biting his lips nervously. 

"Peridot, Peridot! What happened to Lappy?" Bismuth appeared, squatting to face her, placing a hand over hers. There was still blood, staining her hands brown and she struggled. Tears falling as she sobbed, her anxiety reaching new heights. "It's my fault," she forced out, through clenched teeth, "She was protecting me...she got stabbed...I...oh gods…"

“Where is he, where is that fucking culprit!" Jasper demanded banging her fist against the wall. "Dammit, we were supposed to be trailing her. Goddammit, Lapis how many more times are you going to make me worry!" The girl was shaking slightly, a tremor in her lips and she looked like she was about to cry. Peridot choked and Bismuth sighed, squeezing her hands. 

"She's always been this way Jaz," Bismuth muttered looking to the operating sign. "We all knew…" 

"I'm sorry," Lars interrupted, his voice soft and he was looking to the ground in guilt. "I should have stopped her. I should have protected the two of them. What use am I as a guy...I couldn't even…" 

"Hey buddy," Bismuth said, giving him a smile, "You tried, the culprit is in custody now, isn't he? You called the ambulance, you gave Lapis a fighting chance. You tried, you've done more than enough. Don't beat yourself...no one...no one could have stopped Lappy."

As she said this, tears spilled from her eyes and she sniffed. Jasper placing a hand over her shoulders. It was weird seeing Jasper and Bismuth this worried. The two usually stoic and strong girls were reduced to fumbling mess and secretly Peridot was kinda glad. Glad that Lapis had friends, friends who cared enough to stay. Who cared enough to come, to cry for her.  _ Please be ok...you can't leave me... _ she prayed, clasping her hands together. Her shirt was stained, smelling metallic of Lapis blood. Her hands covered in dry specks of brown...dried blood. Lapis's blood and she trembled. Blood on the ground, on her hands, on her body, on her clothes, everywhere. Turning red, everything was turning red and she felt herself sinking deeper and deeper, the panic taking hold. 

"PERIDOT!" a shout ran through the empty corridors and Peridot looked up, seeing purple eyes gazing down at hers. She was wrenched and hugged so tightly she couldn't breathe. The weight of the embrace, grounding her bringing her back to the present. Amethyst was sobbing, before her, a mess and she felt herself breaking down. She cried, bawling into the girl's shoulder. Pearl appearing behind Amethyst, panting from running, her pale green eyes frantic. The taller girl wrapping her arms around the two of them, hugging them with a strength Peridot thought she never possessed. 

"Peri, are you ok? Are you hurt? Is that blood!?" Pearl whispered frantically. Amethyst pulling away looking at her, worry evident. Peridot fell silent, suddenly overwhelmed.

"Give her time," a calm, comforting voice sounded beside her and she turned to find Sapphire and Ruby smiling softly at her. The older girl taking her hands, pulling out a wet wipe and wiping away the blood gently. Ruby patting her head, rubbing comforting circles as she broke down once more. 

"We're here now Peri," Sapphire whispered.

"And we'll help you whether you like it or not," Ruby finished. 

The feelings she had, the insecurities washing away slightly. They cared...they cared enough to here, huddled in her grief, comforting her in the darkest times. She had found friends, a second family that would always be here. Peridot...could let them in. 

"How's LL?" The girl bursting in later. Pearl reaching out embracing the taller pink-haired girl and she collapsed into Pearl. "Why...why is this happening?" She questioned and they fell silent. 

The only sounds were the beeping of machines and the electric whine of flickering lights above them it was cold...mechanical and somehow it didn't feel real. There was an elephant in the room, Peridot did not know what to do next. For the first time in her life, she felt aimless.

"Ok," Pearl said moments later, the girl recovering first, "we need to contact the relevant parties. Jasper, I need you to call Lapis's parents. Rose and I would settle the admin work. Bismuth," she handed some money to the girl with the rainbow locks, "get everyone some coffee and blankets, we don't know how long we're going to be. Sapphire, Ruby could you phone the college and inform them of the incident and our absence." 

The girl was giving orders now, her logical processing giving them a purpose. She turned to Amethyst, "Take care of her," she said, hugging Peridot briefly before asking Lars to give her a rundown on what happened. The young man clearly flustered with the sudden flurry of activity. 

"You know...sometimes Pearl's really cool," Amethyst muttered in admiration, "but don't tell her that, I'll get no end from her." 

Peridot chuckling slightly, "There's no need for you to tell her, look at Rose...she absolutely smittened."

True enough, the pinked haired girl was beaming through her tears, grabbing on tightly to Pearl, kissing her softly on the cheeks. "I love you Pearl," she whispered. Pearl turning a little flustered before kissing her back on the cheeks. "Me too, don't worry dear, she'll be fine." 

Peridot was struck by their affection. How they seemed to trust each other, comforting each other with simple gestures and words. Lapis's last words ringing in her ears. She leaned back, trying to quell the pain, the hurt that was forming. Amethyst taking her hand again and squeezing it. "She'll be fine, Peri, she won't leave you...she won't leave us."

Her words brought no comfort. Lapis's peaceful smile at the end of it all felt like a goodbye, a parting without words.  _ Lapis...had been willing to leave.  _

* * *

_ A woman was singing. A soft lullaby, the lyrics in a language Lapis could barely recognize. Her mother was fluent in it and her words were gentle, her voice mellow. It was an old song, one forgotten and lost, written by a man who delved into a revolution and died fulfilling a dream he could not see. Mae loved the song and she would often hum it, the tune a sad melancholic melody. “Mon Amour…” Her hands softly caressing Lapis's forehead. Cradled in her mother’s lap, Lapis felt warm, she felt safe. In this place, surrounded by Pai, Mae, and Mal. And then the tune ended, Mae stood up, blue eyes gazing down at hers. Lapis looking to the taller woman, eyes filled with anger, filled with anguish and hate. “Mae?” she whispered.  _

_ “You left me,” Mal appearing beside the woman, appearing from the ashes, eyes red with anger and hate. Lapis shrunk back and then blood, so much blood, spilling from her wrist to the ground. Pappi holding her tight, squeezing her, smirking through white teeth, grey ashen eyes staring into hers.  _ ** _“I told you to take care of her didn’t I?” _ ** _ He seethes and Lapis cried out as his grip got tighter. Lapis wrenching her arm away, the blood spraying onto the ground. Nothing felt right, this cold, this uncertainty, this fear...after Mal died, nothing felt safe anymore. _

**Nothing. **

_ "I want to die. Please let me die."  _

Green eyes, the color of forest leaves, deep and clear like emeralds forever haunting her in the darkness. It was light, a light Lapis couldn't bring herself to step into. She was poison and she was not going to destroy that light. 

Not like Mal. Never again.

“Laz,” her voice calling her softly, probing her from the deep darkness that she was slowly sinking into. For a long time now, that darkness was all she had and it curled around her like a fog never letting go. She sunk deeper, not wanting to leave. It was the only thing she knew after Mal’s sickness and death. 

“Lapis,” the voice called out again, this time louder and she winced. Bright light piercing through the sound of steadily beeping machines and the familiar smell of antiseptic. It was disorientating and everything was confusing. 

“She’s awake!” the voice cried out and Lapis found herself staring at a mane of orange hair. Her childhood friend’s face appearing in view. “Laz! Lapis!” another face appearing, grey ashen eyes, weary and tired. Lapis almost bulked. Her father stood above her, calling out.  _ Where am I?  _ And then the memories. Of Peridot, of the man and his knife, of being stabbed...realization, a sharp stabbing pain rushing through her side. Her eyes widened in shock and she panicked. Why was she here?  ** _Why...was she still alive? _ ** The beeping got louder and louder, Lapis’s breathing getting faster and faster.

Then pain, pain like never before and she couldn’t breathe. Her chest constricting tight, the machines going haywire, going crazy and then there were nurses and a needle. She felt drowsy almost immediately, a hand wrapped around her own squeezing it tight and then darkness.

A bright light blinded her once more and she winced. A face appeared over hers, Jasper’s usual frown. “Finally, you’re awake,” her childhood friend muttered. Lapis wincing as she tried to sit up, finding that she had no strength. She was laying on white sheets, an oxygen mask over her lips. A searing pain running through her side. A drip attached to her left wrist, saline packet delivering sodium solution into her veins. Lapis found herself staring at eleven pairs of eyes. They were surrounding her, concern in their gazes. 

“What?” she whispered, her voice raspy and she forced a smile. “Cat got your tongue?” she continued. There was silence and she swallowed a lump forming in her throat. 

“Lapis I swear to god,” Jasper started breaking the silence, “If you do this to us...to me one more time I’ll personally kill you myself!” 

“Jasper gave the girl a break she almost died,” Amethyst chided and Lapis grimaced. Her parents appearing beside her and she wanted to run. “What the fuck were you thinking, Lappy? Wrangling a knife from a robber! What did I tell you about thinking first and acting later?!” Bismuth interjecting and Rose scooting over, taking her hands in hers. “Does it hurt LL?”

“Of course it does,” Lapis muttered slowly, wincing from the pain, “I got stabbed.”

“Protecting Peridot,” Amethyst said grinning and Lapis winced, Peridot was looking at her, pain and tears in her eyes. 

** _Why am I still here?_ **

**Why are they all here?** It hurts, seeing her parents, seeing her friends, seeing Peridot...like this. It hurt to know that she was still alive. It hurt to know that she had failed once again. It hurt to know that she had to continue this act, this facade. She was tired...so tired, but still she had to smile. She had to act like this was all ok. 

“Lapis,” her mother whispered and Lapis held back a flinch. Her father, the man she hadn’t seen for a long time appearing before her. She winced when he grabs her gently, her mother caressing her forehead with a gentleness she hadn’t felt for a long time. Lapis could feel the tears coming but she held it back. The pain and anguish she always felt when she saw her parents almost deliberating. 

“Just so you know the man with the knife, he is in police custody,” Lars breaking through and Lapis leaned back as her friends and parents discussed the situation, filling in the parts she missed. How she almost died, how they were so frantic, so worried...all this while Peridot remaining silent, Lapis trying hard to keep it together. It was weird seeing all of them in one place like this. They chided, nagged, told her to be careful. She smiled, keeping the facade up, nodding like they expected her too. Each smile, making her colder, each nod making her numb. 

“Is not that bad,” Lapis whispered when her mother asked her about the pain and Jasper groaned. “Lapis, we all know it hurts like a bitch. You were out for two days. Two days Lapis. The doctors said you lost a lot of blood and…”

“You won’t be walking anytime soon,” her father interrupted and he looked to her. “Lapis, you'll be moving back with us for a while.”

Lapis clenching her fist, trying hard not to break. She could not bring herself to look at the man instead she closed her eyes, pretending to be annoyed with the revelation. Trying hard to hide the stabbing pain that was threatening to suffocate her. “I don’t want-”

“Please Lapis,” her mother pleaded and Lapis fell silent, glancing at her parents and then to her friends, Jasper, Bismuth, and Rose.

“It’s already been decided hasn’t it?” she sighed.

“Look Lapis, you need all the help and we can’t be there for you all the time,” Jasper replied. 

“We’ll visit, promise and when you’re better you can move back in with us, Lappy,” Bismuth said. Rose nodding slowly. Lapis swallowing the lump, nodding slightly. 

“Fine,” she whispered, but it wasn’t...it will never be fine, never again. 

Her parents hugging her again and she tensed, hiding the scream that was forming in her throat.

They lingered for a while, Lars reenacting what happened. Amethyst praising Lapis, trying to lighten the mood. Pearl holding onto Rose, Jasper and Bismuth nagging...Sapphire and Ruby sitting quietly holding onto a dazed Peridot.  _ Peridot... _ Lapis could not face her. 

“Visiting time is over,” the nurse announced and her mother kissed her gently on the cheek. Her father squeezing her shoulder. Her friends bidding her goodnight and then the ward was empty once more. The bright light turning off, the ward sinking into darkness. The machines silently beeping and Lapis sunk into the pillows. Her lips dry, her side aching and the pain in her chest swallowing her whole. She was drowning and she felt the tears come.

How did she fail again? The anguish getting too much and she felt herself sinking. “Mal,” she whispered, “Why am I still here?”

“What do you mean?” a voice interrupted the silence and Lapis turned finding herself staring at deep green eyes, the color of forest leaves. 

“Lapis,” Peridot whispered, walking over, hands clenched tightly into fists, Lapis wincing at the fury in her expression. The girl reached out grabbing her collar pulling her close, “What do you mean?”

* * *

Lapis was awake and well. Her condition stable, the doctors declaring the operation a success and for two days she slept in relative silence. Peridot not once leaving her side. She needed to know, she needed to hear the girl’s voice again. Lapis’s parents had came almost immediately after Jasper made the phone call. It was the first time she saw them and when they knew what had happened, the woman with the long black hair and eyes the same colors as Lapis had broken down, sobbing on the ground. The man a slightly handsome older middle-age man with ashen gray eyes was silent, standing over the sobbing woman, not speaking. 

“Thank you,” the man whispered, a while later his voice deep and comforting, “Thank you for saving our daughter.” It was all it took for Peridot to break down and the woman took her in her arms, hugging her tightly, crying too. 

They found themselves seated by the cafeteria. The nurses had chased them out from the waiting area. They had been making too much noise and the doctors had requested them to move. A cup of warm coffee was placed in front of her. Bismuth handing out the blankets and coffee to the gang. Lapis’s Dad, George Lazuli giving her an encouraging smile and she took it, sipping it quietly. The heat from the liquid running down her throat and she sighed. Lapis’s Mom, Azul Lazuli seated beside her was still clutching on to her hands. Jasper making casual conversation as a distraction, Amethyst joining in. Rose and Pearl talking quietly to Lars, Ruby, and Sapphire cuddling, silently. It was a weird setting but Peridot found that their presence helped. 

“How did you meet our daughter, Peridot...was it?” George asked quietly. Peridot leaning back into her seat, fidgeting nervously with the hem of her blouse. 

“A year ago, Laz appeared...at the convenience store I was working in, she looked cold so I offered her a cup of coffee,” Peridot answered, the memories coming back in droves and suddenly she could not speak. Lapis was on the ground, bleeding over, her blood staining her shirt. Blue eyes, glancing once at hers, looking so peaceful.  ** _“Peri, I love you,”_ ** she said and then she was gone. Her eyes closed and she fell silent. It was too much and Azul’s hands tightened over her own, bringing her back to the present.

“I’m sorry,” the woman choked, “Lapis is always like this, making us worry, disappearing for months on end, suddenly saying she wants to live alone...getting a tattoo, smoking...I don’t know what happened to her, I don’t know how she ended up this way...I can’t...and now she’s...I’m sorry Peridot, I’m sorry...you shouldn’t have to be burdened by this.”

“Burden?” Peridot whispered and then there was anger. She pulled her hands away from the woman who gasped in surprise. “There was never ‘burden’!” she snapped, “She was always supporting me, always there for me when I needed her. She will never be a burden, she’ll always be…” she paused, clutching her shirt, squeezing it. 

There was a shocked silence and then George was smiling wryly. “She means a lot to you doesn’t she?” he confirmed and Peridot nodded. Azul gaping, finally coming to an understanding. 

“But she’s a gi-”

“Azul,” Geroge interrupted the woman, “She’s our daughter and she ran away from us. We couldn’t hold on to her, we left her alone. We did not try.” There was a sadness to his voice, one that ate deep. His shoulders slumped as he glanced at the woman. “Azul...we promised to protect Mal, but in the process of doing that, we neglected Laz. She was alone and she tried so hard and we...in our pain...blamed her.”

The woman paused before cupping her mouth, trying to hold back a sob. They looked so sad, so lost. Peridot slowly coming to an understanding of circumstances. Of a family wracked with grief, of not being able to process...of not moving on. “She came home today, didn't she?” George continued and Azul nodded, “But not to see us. She came to say goodbye. The best part was, we wouldn't have known if Garnet hadn't called us. We tried, we rushed home to speak to her, but she wouldn’t...she couldn’t. I tried, five years ago at the hospital. Laz...she was different and I was weak, I couldn’t find the right words. I couldn't hold on to her.”

“We were not enough, we couldn’t be. To Laz, we were pain. A reminder of the past she clearly cannot let go. She ran from us and she came...she came to you,” George looking to Peridot who gulped, her heart clenching tight, an ache so deep it physically hurt. 

“Peridot, if this is over...if she makes it through this...I beg of you...please-”

“I will,” Peridot replied, not waiting for him to finish and both man and woman glanced at her. “I will be with her, here, always.” 

George giving her a half-smile and Azul...Azul was silent. Peridot clenching her fist as the woman peered into her eyes. The woman was struggling with herself that much was certain but Peridot...Peridot did not waver. 

“Thank you,” Azul finally answered, there were still doubts behind her gaze, a prejudice that she could not let go off but there was also acceptance. She hesitated for a moment before grabbing Peridot's hands, her hands wrapping around Peridot’s own. George smiling gently and they sat waiting, the silence sinking between them. 

Two days later she was awake, still weak from the ordeal but smiling. The mask back on again, cracking slightly in front of her parents, but there. Peridot watching her silently as she interacted. Deep-rooted anger slowly forming. She could still smell the blood, still feel Lapis’s body sinking away, her peaceful gaze as she tried to leave. Nestled here in the room, looking at the careful act Lapis was performing Peridot’s anger took shape and she could not speak. 

Visiting time was over and as usual, they were ushered out by the nurses but Peridot could not leave. She would not. Not when the girl was awake, not when she saw the scars, not when she knew. “You coming Peridot? You need to rest,” Pearl asking her and she stood still. 

“Peri?” Amethyst said, the gang stopping to look at her and she glanced at them. George and Azul Lazuli staring at her, smiling than nodding slightly. “I’m staying,” she concluded.

“But-” Pearl trying and Rose reaching out to stop her, smiling to Peridot as she did so. 

“Bring her back Peridot,” the girl whispering, the gang sharing confused looks before relenting. Peridot walking towards the nurses asking for permission. An hour later, Peridot found herself carrying a blanket walking towards the ward. The nurses giving her special entry. She walked slowly, deliberately. The anger she felt earlier growing with intensity. And when she finally entered the darkened ward...she heard it, the low whisper, the truth.

_ “Why am I still here?” _

It was all it took for Peridot to lash out. She ran over to the girl, grabbing her, desperate for an answer. “What do you mean by that!” she shouted and the girl gasped. 

“Peridot,” Lapis whispered before falling silent turning away. 

“Answer me!” Peridot pleaded. The girl’s gaze hardened and then her voice cold, mechanical. 

“I told you to leave, didn’t I? What are you doing? Why are you still here?”

Peridot releasing her, the anger turning into hurt as she stared into icy blue eyes, withholding no emotion. This was that stranger, hidden beneath the layers of smiles and warmth. This was Lapis and this was the truth. A girl made from pain, of secrets buried deep. She was trying to push Peridot away but Peridot had no intention of leaving. 

She wanted to make the girl understand. She wanted the girl to know. Peridot reached out, grabbing the girl again, pulling her close and their lips met like a twisted dream. It was cold, dry and rough. Lapis’s lips hurt and she was struggling, her weakened state not allowing her to pull away. Peridot forcing herself in, not releasing her. It was desperate and it hurt, the pain piercing through. Lapis finally pushing her away and they stood apart, gasping from what they had just done. Peridot clenching her fist tight, swallowing the scream than was threatening to emerge.

“Leave,” Lapis choked. “Peridot...please.”

“Was it a lie?” it spilled out and she could not stop herself. Lapis wrapping her arms around herself, looking like she was drowning. “Was this all a lie Lapis?”

“Tell me it’s a lie! Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll leave! Tell me you hate me! I’ll never come back! Tell me Lapis!” she shouted. The silence after defeating and Lapis sunk, her voice soft. “I’ll hurt you,” she whispered, “You’ll hate me.”

And then tears, rolling down the girl’s cheeks. Genuine tears, filled with anguish. Peridot unclenching her fist, the anger disappearing and she reached out, grabbing the girl, pulling her in, hugging her tightly. She was cold...so cold, but she wasn’t dead, she was alive, cradled in her arms. 

“I left her to die...I tried to kill her...I did not keep my promise...I want to die…” Lapis continued, feverishly, her voice trembling. “Why...why am I not dead. I’m poison, I hurt everybody around me. I hate myself...so much...I shouldn’t exist.” Her facade breaking. 

“Lapis,” Peridot breathe, her voice making the girl paused, blue eyes as deep as the ocean, drowning in pain looking to hers, wavering, trying to find an answer. Peridot leaned in, resting her forehead on Lapis. She wanted Lapis to know, she wanted everything.

Their lips met tentatively and Peridot kissed her softly, gently. Once, twice, thrice, many times over, peeling back her hurt. Lapis remaining still, eventually, her eyes closed and Peridot pushed in, splitting dry lips, tongue brushing against Lapis’s. It tasted bitter, it was cold and she lingered, digging deeper, wanting Lapis to understand. Her feelings bursting, her heart racing, Lapis’s heart doing the same. She could feel it, beating furiously under the layers.  _ It wasn’t a lie...nothing about Lapis was.  _ The cold eventually turning to warmth, melting the ice away. Peridot tasting salt as tears ran down Lapis’s cheeks. Heat rose in Peridot’s stomach and she panted, pulling away for a second looking to Lapis’s hypnotic eyes and the girl leaned in, catching her lips once again. It was raw, filled with passion and their tongues intertwined, Peridot wanting more, wanting to taste the girl, wanting to take away the pain. Waves of warmth washed over her and when it was finally done, she pulled away, flushed, tears running down her cheeks.

“I love you,” she admitted, the answer echoed throughout the empty room. “I love you more than anything in this world.”

There was a moment's pause, Lapis shivering slightly.

“Peri,” Lapis breathed, collapsing into her chest, “I don’t deserve you. I still want to die.”

Peridot holding onto her, “And I want you to live here, with me.”

“Idiot.”

“Clod.”

A pained chuckle escaped the girl’s lips and Peridot smiled, cupping the girl’s cheeks. “Lapis,” she whispered, kissing her gently on the forehead, looking down at sky blue eyes, “Talk to me.”

* * *

They sat together, Lapis leaning her head on Peridot’s shoulder, fidgeting nervously with the helm of the hospital gown. She felt weak, the stab wound throbbing slightly but Peridot was beside her and she was warm. Slowly the words spilled from her lips, the pain she had kept buried emerging once more, the poison she kept brewing inside seeping out. 

“Malachite was my twin sister,” Lapis started, “She was born two minutes earlier and she had a heart condition. The doctors declared that she won’t live past the age of two but she did. She outlasted their prediction and for a moment it would seem that she would be free from her fate.”

Lapis pausing, remembering her sister for a moment. Her long dark hair, a green highlight running through, gotten when she was eight. Her grey eyes the color of rain clouds, the same as her father’s, her smile dazzling, bright like the sun. 

“We were different, Mal was loud, energetic, she loved and wanted to try everything...I was her follower, quiet, broody and sensitive. I wasn’t much of a speaker… Mal doing most of the talking. We were like the sun and moon but we got along. I loved her dearly, she was bright, everything that I was not and I basked in her energy.”

Taking in a shuddering breath Lapis closed her eyes, suddenly tired, the weight she had carried all her life weighing down on her and it was hard to speak. The darkness of the ward carrying whispers and the voices started, Lapis tried to keep control but failing. Peridot gripped her and she was back in the present, the voices disappearing for a moment, the girl nudging her gently. Green eyes, the color of emeralds comforting her. 

“She fell sick when we were nine,” Lapis recalled, the memories rushing in like an open faucet and it made her dizzy. “They had to operate and she was in the hospital for two years. I spent most of my time there, with her, to keep her company. As she got better, she returned to her normal self, her sickness was painful for her and she often lashed out when it got too much. It was suffering and my parents were desperate. We tried every treatment, no matter the cost. Pappi worked twice the hours, Mae helping out, doing some part-time work...something she never did.”

“They were never home,” Lapis recounted, “But I understood, I understood the urgency of the situation and maybe I was naive but I thought it’ll work out. I’ll do my part, I’ll take care of Mal, Pappi told me so and I wanted too because she was my sister...because I loved her dearly.”

“She got better then she could come home. I was ecstatic, Pappi and I fixed her room up, spending weeks on it. She came home and then she was fine. We played, I spent every waking moment with her. She had checkups to go too and she would sink, becoming someone she was not...a raging mess.”

Peridot gripping her as she trembled, the fear taking hold and Lapis held on.  _ That was when it started, those dark feelings… _

“One day...she collapsed and I couldn’t help her. She had wanted to be with me and I would do anything...to take her pain away. I wanted to switch places.”

“I should be in her place,” Lapis whispered and the tears started, she cried, sobbing into Peridot’s shoulder. The girl responded, gripping her tighter, placing soft kisses along her forehead, ruffling fingers through her hair.

“Mal became a stranger,” Lapis continued a while later, grasping onto the moments where everything changed. It hurt but Peridot was holding onto her and somehow it gave her the strength to speak, to recall the memories that she had buried away. Memories that would always drown her.

“She would hit, throw things, rage...she was unkind...I couldn’t understand what changed her. All I knew was the pain grew too much and she was tired, tired of fighting something she couldn’t control. Mae was crying, Pappi sunk himself into work and I had to hold on tight. I didn’t want anything to fall apart. We were a family, we had to stick together. Perhaps it wasn’t enough, I snapped and before I knew what I was doing...I tried to kill her.”

Peridot tensed, pulling away for a second and Lapis felt a smirk emerging to her lips. The pain growing too much and the poison eroding her from within. “I strangled her, I really wanted her to disappear...I really wanted it to end, I hurt her Peri,” she spat, “I’m a monster.”

“Lapis?” Peridot whispered and she pulled away, the fear in Peridot’s eyes was evident. She was a different person, she was showing a side that she had never shown anyone before. She wouldn’t be surprised if Peridot left. This darkness, this eroding hatred, it belonged to her and it ran deep. 

“Can you stay with me knowing that I’m a murderer,” Lapis whispered, “I left her to die, Peri. I left to hang out with Jasper, leaving her and she died...alone...suffering.”

Peridot cupping her mouth in shock. “Leave Peridot,” she whispered, turning away, retreating from the warmth. It was for the best, the longer she held on, the longer she’ll hurt Peridot. There would be a fourth try and she would not fail.

“Aren’t you tired?” Peridot asked softly, fingers wrapping around her own and Lapis squeezes her eyes shut. Peridot coming closer, the warmth back again, not letting go. “Lapis...I know you blame yourself, but you're human too.”

“Didn’t you hear me Peridot, I tried to kill her!” Lapis snapped, trying to pull away but the girl’s grip was firm and she was not wavering. She closed the distance and grabs her wrist, flipping it over and the scar always hidden under long sleeves, big watches or bulky bracelets was out in the open. A scar that would never heal, slashed open with a fruit knife, jagged and ugly, running through her right wrist. She was ashamed of it and she struggled but Peridot held on. "Please don't hide from me." She pleaded and Lapis relented. 

“You can paint yourself as a monster Lapis,” Peridot continued, her gaze lingering on Lapis’s scar. Her fingers running down over the jagged wound, “But you are not.”

“You are not a monster, Lapis,” Peridot maintained, determination in her eyes, “You never once hurt me, you tried your best to keep me happy. You did everything in your power to protect me. I never...never once wanted to leave. Lapis, you saved me from my demons, you gave me the strength to step into the light. Ever since I’ve met you my world has opened. Everything is brighter because of you. You are the reason why I’m here.”

Lapis sucking in a breath, her heart pounding loudly in her ears. Peridot was blushing, stumbling over her words but she was trying, trying to get her feelings across and somehow it was working. “I want to know you Lapis, nobody is perfect, I have my bad sides too...I run away when I’m scared, hurt people with my bluntness, can’t seem to hold a conversation without screwing up, am proud, egotistical...I can name them all Lapis, but you...you don’t mind them do you.”

“You accepted me for who I am and Lapis...despite everything you put me through, I still love you. All the good and bad parts.”

It was words too good to be true and Lapis found herself wavering. She leaned on Peridot as the girl hugged her once more. “I tried to kill myself Peridot,” she admitted, “At the bridge the night we first met, I tried to jump, but I couldn’t.” 

Peridot flinching and Lapis continued, the words not stopping. "I cut myself the first time I tried, there was so much blood but it wasn't enough. I still survived."

"I tried to jump again, I had plans, it was supposed to be over. I wasn't supposed to survive. Peridot I'm afraid of hurting you. I can't control this darkness. I don't know if I can pull through. It hurts so bad, I want to end it. I can't pretend anymore. I'm tired of smiling of pretending everything is fine. I can't be strong it's driving me crazy."

She was becoming breathless, hurt too much and she struggled for control. The panic rising in her gut and Peridot held on, her grip tightening over her scar. 

"You didn't jump Lapis," Peridot whispered, "Why didn't you?" Her question soft but powerful and Lapis remembered her promise. A promise that she had made that had stayed with her, catching her as she fell. 

Tears rolled down her cheeks, staining the bed and Peridot brought her scarred wrist to her lips kissing it gently. Her touch tingly and warm filled with affection. The urge to die was still there, the darkness still wrapped around her but somehow Peridot was taking it in stride, pushing them away slowly, keeping them at bay. 

"Even when I'm alone," Lapis answered, a small smile breaking through, "You saved me." 

She reached out wrapping her arms around the girl and bringing her close. Feeling her warmth, her body against her own. Her heart beating fast, pounding. Her green eyes like the leaves, like spring grass, hypnotizing. She needed this heat, she needed this warmth and she held on. Peridot doing the same. 

"I'll be here, Lapis," the girl commented, as they slept beside each other, her fingers ruffling through her hair, touching it softly. "I'll always be here."

Words she had said months ago, repeated again. Lapis clutching onto her, grabbing to Peridot a lifeline in a drowning sea of sadness. She didn't know how long it'll last. She didn't know how long she could hold on but for a moment, basking in the presence of Peridot, she wanted to live. 

They stayed that way for a long time. Lapis recounting the incidence of long-gone childhood, talking about a sister Peridot had never met. Peridot listening silently, chuckling slightly at the funny bits and tightening her hold at the sad ones. Lapis lamenting her lost childhood, of dreams unfulfilled, of flings gone wrong, of girls who she had hurt and who in turn hurt her, of unresolved pain and when dawn broke Peridot leaned in, deep green eyes peering into her own. 

"Do you trust me, Lapis?" She asked, the question echoing through the room reflecting orange hues of the rising sun. Blonde, ruffled messy hair, freckles on tanned cheeks, dimples in a crooked smile, green eyes that had saved her many times over. 

"Yes," Lapis answered,  _ more than anyone...or anything… _

In this world. 

* * *

It would be difficult. Watching as the girl cried out softly in her sleep. Peridot gripping on tighter hoping to god that it brought the girl some form of comfort.

She had been running on empty for so long, running on nothing but pain and hurt. Behind the smiles and confident persona, Lapis had been suffering.  _ A monster. _ She called herself. Peridot grimace looking to the scar on Lapis’s wrist. It was red, inflamed. Long and jagged, deep, a little yellow around the edge and it looked like it hurt...bad. It had affected Peridot and as she ran a finger down the twisted line she felt breathless once more.

How long had she suffered? How long had she been this way? Holding on to pain that she could not bear alone? Peridot imagined a nine-year-old, rushing to the hospital from school, trying to cheer up a sister who knew of her death. She imagined a house, empty, devoid of the warmth of parents. She imagined a young Lapis trying her best, drawing for her sister, trying to keep her spirits up and it ached.

“They blamed me,” Lapis had recounted, whispering softly, pain lacing her words, “And I blamed myself. Why wasn’t I home that day? Why did I leave...Peridot...I promised to be with her.”Peridot couldn’t find an answer. Lapis was still drowning, the guilt from seven years ago slowly devouring her whole. 

And Peridot was afraid. Afraid that the girl would try once again. That she’ll wake up one day and she’ll find empty sheets. Lapis would be gone and all that remained between them, ash. She couldn’t bear it and she scooted closer to the sleeping girl, determination rising through her. She needed to feel Lapis and she hugged the girl tighter. 

She could still smell the blood, the metallic stench of death. The incident never quite leaving her and she shivered, having to remind herself that Lapis was in her arms. That the girl was warm, that she was alive, that she was still here.

_ “I want to die, Peridot.”  _

“I won’t let you,” Peridot promised, “I won’t let you die. We’re going to live together, long and happy, we’ll get a house...maybe a cat, we’re going to grow old, get a job, kiss...maybe some kids...everything...we’re going to do everything.”

The future spreading out and Peridot sighed, smiling wryly.  _ Ruby and Sapphire were infecting her too. _ She took in Lapis’s scent, breathing in the warmth of the girl before her. It would be difficult, there would be pain, there would be suffering but Peridot could only hope. Lapis’s words ringing through. She trusted her, blue eyes staring into hers, the color of the deepest ocean, taking her breath away. 

“I love you Lapis,” she whispered.

**And that was all that mattered. **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for trolling. I know I have a sick sense of humor. I'm sorry. But the story continues from here, there are still some issues to resolve before we reach the ending. Again, I thank everyone who has read this story. Your support keeps me going.


	12. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this chapter, you might want to listen to Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell, it'll set the mood. 
> 
> Peridot and Lapis go to a concert. Amy and Jasper becomes a...
> 
> End of the chapter contains mature themes (this is why I changed the rating from teen to mature)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “To the world, you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”― Dr. Seuss

**Chapter 12**

**Moving on**

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Lapis muttered looking at the run-down rusty truck that Jasper had just rented. The girl grinning from ear to ear. Amethyst riding shotgun, waving at her. Peridot groaning, her reaction the same as Lapis. 

"Get on losers!" Jasper shouted and Lapis rolled her eyes at her childhood friend. Amethyst was gushing excitedly bouncing on the seats, a can of beer already in her hands. 

"You sure you want to go with them? We can always hitch a ride in Pearl's van." She asked Peridot who sighed. 

"Unfortunately that option is not possible. They've already left."

"To be honest, I'll rather walk," Lapis muttered in disdain and Peridot chuckled, sliding her hands into Lapis's, staring at the cane she was holding. 

"Lapis, we both know it'll take you months to reach."

"Hey, I might still be healing but I'm no snail. I'm still faster than you!"

"I have you know that is really offensive," Peridot frowned. Lapis grinning slightly than wincing when Jasper sounded the horn, it was sharp and pierced through the slightly cold air. 

"What are you waiting for! Times wasting! Get on you stupid confused non-couple!" Amethyst shouted to them. 

"Ok, you're right...I rather walk," Peridot concluded. 

They made their way slowly to the rusted truck. Peridot helping Lapis who was still shaky after the two months of therapy. Her side still ached and sometimes it would flare up. It had been troublesome and Lapis had thoughts of giving up but Peridot wouldn’t allow her. The girl had been her side throughout winter...and she was never left alone.

She couldn’t go home. Home where her parents were. They had begged and insisted but she had remained silent. And Peridot had stepped in, offering her refuge in the dorm and Lapis had relented. So, here she was now, standing outside the proper looking dorm she had called home for two months, going for a music festival Amethyst had booked tickets for.

“Couldn’t you have rented a cleaner truck?” Lapis muttered looking at the dirty cling wraps and wrappers strewn around the floors. Peridot helping her with the cane before getting on herself, cringing at the smell of wet leather. 

“Do you have an extra hundred bucks to spare?” Jasper sneered and Lapis folded her arms.

“Figures,” the girl snorted and started the engine. There was a splutter of black smog and then they were moving. Amethyst whopping, switching on the radio and loud music blared from it. “Lapis? Are you ok?” Peridot asked, scooting closer to her, hands tightening around her own. It was a constant question nowadays. She was grateful for it but sometimes it got annoying. 

Annoying because she didn’t know how to answer it. The failed attempt to die still haunting her, biting her in the back. She wanted to scream, her thoughts caught in her throat, trapped. But Peridot was with her and the girl had always managed to soothe her thoughts. Lapis smiled slightly, “I’m fine Peri,” she answered, turning to look at the passing scenery outside the window. The bare trees from the last winter season turning lush green once more. Flowers of every kind were blooming on trees, bushes, grasses...Spring was back again and she was still alive.

“We’re going to a party guys! One of the biggest music fest in the world! Liven up!” Amethyst insisted, bouncing and dancing on the seats, making the rickety old truck shake and Lapis winced as it banged into her sides. 

“Amy stop bouncing! Lapis is injured or have you forgotten!” Peri scolded and the girl frowned. 

“Hey, I’m just trying to lighten the mood,” she sulked and shrugged when Peridot glared at her. The blonde-haired girl turning to give Lapis a concerned look and Lapis sighed, “It’s fine Peri, besides...I shouldn’t even be here…” She continued glaring at Jasper who smirked. 

“Ah, not going to happen, you’ve been stuck in that house for weeks on end. You need to get out Lapis. Peridot needs a break too,” Jasper mentioned and Lapis grimaced. 

“We could have gone to a quiet park or beach...not a fucking music festival Jaz.”

“And where’s the fun in that? We’re not old Lapis.”

“You’re not injured Jasper,” Lapis snapped and the taller girl sniggered. 

“Don’t worry, girlfriend Peridot would help you.” Peridot sputtering at the new nickname

“Oh, wait, you're not a couple yet. Sorry~” Jasper teased and Lapis folding her arms in disbelief. 

“I’m going to kill her,” Lapis muttered to Peridot who smiled slightly. 

“I won’t stop you. I’ll join in.” Peridot answered and Lapis smirked. 

“I heard that!” Jasper interrupting their plans and they chuckled. The truck rolled on down the long straight roads. Amethyst and sometimes Jasper singing along to the tunes. Lapis looking out of the window and Peridot trying to retain some semblance of control. It took roughly three hours and by the time they reached it was mid-afternoon, the sun up in the sky casting radiant light across the camping grounds of the music festival.

It was crowded as expected. The smell of sweat, beer and untamed hormones lingering in the air. Lapis holding on to her cane as Peridot helped Amethyst with the tentage loaded at the back of the truck. 

There were stages, huge ones, set up on various corners of this huge grass fields. Stalls selling food and beer located at the side of the camping ground situated near a lush temperate forest. 

“We got to find Pearl, she’s already set up,” Amethyst stated, looking to her phone. “And she’s nagging. I hate it when she does that.”

“Well we are technically an hour late,” Lapis mentioned looking to Jasper.

“Hey, Amy wanted some beer refills...we just spent a little more time at the petrol station that’s all.”

“Don’t remind me, I don’t want to remember it,” Lapis said and she watched as Jasper smirked, pulling the shorter purple-haired close and then kissing her passionately on the lips. The girl moaning into it and Peridot giving a loud groan of distaste.

It had been a revelation of great proportions. They had stopped at a rest stop along the way. Amethyst and Jasper bonding out of the truck, making a beeline for the shop. They were taking a longer time than what was usually required and Lapis had needed to use the bathroom. Peridot following her. 

“I swear we’re going to reach at midnight if this keeps up,” Peridot complained and Lapis shrugged.

“I’ll be surprised if we even make it there,” she commented and Peridot snorted.

“They deserve each other, they’re so similar.”

Lapis gasping in horror, “Peri, can you imagine putting those two together?”

“A nuclear explosion?”

“Worse, the end of the world.”

“Now you're being dramatic.” Peridot sniggered before pausing. Lapis giving her a questioning look as the girl placed a finger over her lips to silence her. 

“Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

Then there was a soft groan and Lapis chuckled.

  
“Somebody’s making out Peri, it’s no big deal,” she teased, “Happens all the time in places like this.”

Peridot blushing slightly and Lapis raised the cane to hit the aisle shelf. “Mind using the bathrooms,” she joked and then there was a familiar curse one that made Lapis’s eyes widened in shock. Peridot realizing it too, running down the aisle turning the corner and gasping. The look of pure horror pinned on her expression.

“What the actual fuck?” Peridot whispered and Lapis turned the corner looking at something she wished she could erase from her mind. 

Jasper had her hands up Amethyst shirt, pinning the shorter girl to the wall. They were kissing and kissing hard. Jasper was panting, her orange eyes glazed over and Amethyst was smiling, baiting the girl on.

“Stop it! Ok, STOP IT!” Peridot shrieked and she ran over pulling the two apart. 

“Are you serious? When did this happen! Oh gods,” Peridot exclaimed.

Jasper and Amethyst looking quite sheepish. “Well actually…”

“I initiated it...when we first met, it’s been a long time now...we just haven’t made it official until well...a month ago,” Jasper replied, before grabbing Amethyst and hugging her tightly. “But now you know and I can do this!”

She kissed Amethyst again and Lapis covered Peridot’s eyes as the girl gaped. 

“It’s the end of the world isn’t it?” Lapis teased the girl who slumped.

“Don’t even get me started.”

“We jinxed it, Peri, we really did.”

“Urgh.”

The incident had left them all speechless, the shock of seeing her childhood friend kissing Amethyst was a little too much and they spent the remainder of the drive observing Amethyst and Jasper interact. The soft touches, the little flirts, the obnoxious jokes, the unbridled joy in Jasper’s eyes as Amethyst talked. Lapis slowly smiling, accepting the reality in front of her. 

“A hundred bucks that that’ll break off in a week,” Peridot jokes, the girl smiling too and Lapis leaned back into the seats. “ A thousand,” Lapis remarked. There was a pause and then protest from both Jasper and Amethyst. 

They were a couple now and for some odd reason, though it was annoying to think about it, Lapis knew that they would last. She was happy for Jasper but she wouldn’t admit it. She would hear no end of it so she kept quiet. But she couldn’t...not now, not while they were kissing in public. Jasper's obnoxious show of affection one of the reasons why many of her girlfriends left. Though it would seem Amethyst was fine with it. She was about to stop them when Pearl’s voice rang through.

“Amethyst! Jasper! What the actual f-” 

The girl stopped herself before she could actually curse and Lapis couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her lips. Peridot patting the girl on the back. “We know Pearl, we know.”

“This is a disaster,” the older girl muttered.

“The end of the world,” Lapis finished and Pearl gaped. 

“Well, I’m glad…” Pearl continued, “But...am I supposed to feel so…”

“Horrified? Terrified? Scared?” Lapis said leaning on her cane. 

“Yes...yes how did you know?”

“Everybody feels the same way, Pearl,” Peridot chuckled and the girl covered her eyes as Jasper pressed into Amethyst once more.

“Shall we walk away and pretend we don’t know them?” Lapis suggested and they nodded, leaving the kissing couple. Pearl leading them towards the campsite she had set up. 

“LL, Peridot, you’re here!” Rose calling out, sitting next to a campfire that Bismuth was tending too. The white van parked beside their tents. They were not alone, numerous others, here for the festivals had done the same and their tents now laid in a haphazard array around parked vehicles. 

“Good spot,” Peridot commented and Pearl smiled. 

“Of course, we came early.”

“I've got to admit, Rose, your girlfriend’s really got her shit together,” Bismuth said, chuckling as she placed another wood into the burning fire. 

“That’s my Pearl,” Rose bragged and pulling the girl close and kissing her softly on the cheeks. Pearl becoming flustered and giggling nervously. 

“Where’s Sapphire and Ruby?” Lapis asked realizing their absence and Bismuth motioned to one of the larger tents behind them. The black girl blushing slightly and she rarely did. 

“They are sleeping,” Rose winks at them and Peridot shrugged.

“I’m used to it.” she commented and Lapis chuckled. She wasn’t really surprised. Since staying with Peridot she had become accustomed to Sapphire and Ruby’s random show of affections and displays. She had walked in on them twice while they were doing the deed and she had seen more than enough of Sapphire and Ruby’s naked bodies to know what was going on inside the tent.

“At least it’s not out in the open,” Pearl commented. 

“Oh? What did I miss?” Rose asked.

“The end of the world,” Lapis said once more.

“You’re just jealous,” Jasper appearing behind her with Amethyst their hands intertwined. Amethyst’s sweater riding up slightly, her hair a little messy. Jasper looking just as haggard. 

“Oh shit,” Rose whispered.

“What the fuck!” Bismuth exclaimed.

“Why do I feel...happy but a little scared?” Rose asked.

“Everybody feels the same way Dear,” Pearl remarked. Lapis and Peridot looking to each other before bursting out laughing. 

“Laugh, laugh all you want! At least Jasper and I know what we want and went for it. You two on the other hand, like seriously, after all, Peridot’s done the least you could do is get together already,” Amethyst huffed pointing to them and Lapis flinched. Amethyst pausing, realizing her mistake and turning away. 

There was an awkward silence and Lapis felt it growing. There was tension in the air. The elephant in the room had not been addressed. They had become more sensitive around her. It would seem after the incident some of her past was leaked by a big mouth. That big mouth being an orange headed demon that stood in front of her right now. 

“Hey,” Peridot stated, coming to her rescue, “We’re taking it slow...don't you know, slow and steady wins the race.” 

“Like a snail?” Jasper said and Peridot frowned folding her arms. “Yeah I know I’m slow but seriously...a snail.” Lapis catching the hurt in Peridot’s eyes. The shorter girl trying hard to lighten the mood, to protect her at her own expense and she was speechless once more. Peridot’s confession echoing in her head and she closed her eyes. She had not answered. Lapis couldn’t. She knew she was being selfish but the words were stuck. It was lost in her head, filled with memories that she hadn’t quite let go. 

“Ok, ok, you're a couple now, we get it...how in heavens name did this start?” Bismuth interrupted the taller girl grabbing Lapis’s shoulder giving it a quick squeeze before letting it go. Amethyst's comment was forgotten, Jasper recounting the incidents and then the tension was gone. "She served me food and I was hooked," Jasper replied, jokingly and Amethyst sniggered. There was more to the story but the girls were not telling it. 

“You ok Lapis?” Peridot asking, green eyes staring back at hers and she reached out, holding Peridot’s hands in hers. She felt weak, unstable and she needed to feel something solid, something that would ground her.

“I’m sorry, Peri,” she whispered, her mouth suddenly dry. The voices starting back up and she needed to sit down. Peridot understanding immediately leading her to a stool and helping her down. She winced as her side wound throbbed and Peridot sat beside her, still holding on tightly to her hand squeezing it.

“Laz?”

“I don’t know Peri,” she confessed, looking to the group before them. Bismuth hitting Jasper and congratulating her. Pearl nagging at Amethyst as Rose chuckled. Ruby and Sapphire emerging from the tent, carrying nonchalant expressions as Pearl broke the news to them. “I know...I’m supposed to be ok...but I still feel lost like I’m not supposed to be here,” she whispered. It was warm, all too comfortable and with her friends...with Peridot; she had felt safe. But it scared her. This happiness would not last, it never did. She could still feel the darkness inside, threatening to overwhelm. 

“I love you, Laz,” Peridot whispered and Lapis choked, sucking in a sharp breath. The girl’s wavering green eyes, the color of deepest forest, staring deep into hers, determination in her stride. “And I’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes.”

“We’ll be grandmas,” Lapis teased and the girl chuckled, bringing her close, Lapis landing on her chest as the girl wrapped her arms around her. She took in Peridot’s scent, a mixture of fresh Spring grass and lemongrass and she closed her eyes. 

“I don’t care, Lapis...I’m always here, remember that.”

And for a moment, she allowed herself to dream.

* * *

A music festival, of all things it had to be a music festival. Peridot frowning at Amethyst who was now laughing obnoxiously at some joke that Jasper had said. The orange embers of the campfire lighting up the darkness. Similar campfires from other music festival patrons spotted the camping grounds. Tomorrow would be the official start and then for two days straight, it would just be a concert after concert. 

Peridot had been livid at first, scolding Amethyst for buying the tickets and forcing it on them. Lapis was still injured and the girl still struggled to walk sometimes. Her lips often pale from the exertion. Lapis was apprehensive at first but Jasper had intervened and Peridot relented. So, here they were now, huddled together next to a slow-burning fire watching orange embers float into the air. 

"Rose, you brought your guitar?" Bismuth asked as the taller pink-haired girl smiled, bringing the instrument forward. "Thought we could use some entertainment," she replied and began tuning the instrument.

"Should have told me I would have brought my bass...and Bismuth's drums," Jasper chided and Bismuth raised an eyebrow. 

"No thank you, Jaz, I'm here to listen to music, not make one."

"What happened to your musician spirit?"

"I left it in Havana," Bismuth jokes, Ruby seated beside her chuckling slightly. Sapphire smiling, leaning on her as they roasted marshmallows. 

"Aren't you going to stop cuddling?" Jasper asked frowning at the two girls. 

"Have you seen a mirror?" Lapis responded, Peridot grimacing at the sight of Amethyst rested on Jasper's chest. 

"But we're not…" Jasper trailed off as Ruby gave Sapphire a rather deep french kiss, before nuzzling her neck. 

"Whoa…and you guys see that every day?"

"No shame, not one ounce of it," Pearl huffed, folding her arms. 

"If you love each other, there shouldn't be shame," Sapphire chuckled through the kisses and they groaned.

"I'm surprised Pearl hasn't kicked them out of the dorm," Bismuth muttered. Pearl gaping, Lapis sniggering a little as Amethyst smirked. Peridot becoming a little sorry for the uptight girl. 

"Oh, she tried," Amethyst replied. 

"Why do you have to start an explosion, Amy?" Peridot chided, Amethyst ignoring her.

"But one day she went in and they were doing-"

"FLIPS," Pearl interrupted, shouting, red as a tomato. Her voice shocked the group into silence before Jasper broke out in fits, the rest following through. 

"We're still here you know," Ruby replied in disdain. 

"Let them speak, love, they don't know true joy," Sapphire said, cupping Ruby's cheeks in her hands. 

"Seriously, flips? I mean…whoa…" Jasper's eyes widened, realization hitting her immediately. 

"She tried to burn her eyes later," Peridot sneered, "Please do not tease her again...I don't want to have to stop her."

Pearl about to interject when Rose strummed her guitar, the gentle tune eventually making them forget the incident and Peridot sighed in contentment. The melody was slow, soft and it was nice.

"Come on LL, you know this one don't you?" Rose asked, giving her hopeful eyes.

"You can sing I'm tired," Lapis replied. 

"Aww...come on LL, just for old times sake...you know how much I want to hear you sing this again," Rose whined, "Or I'll play metal, I swear I'll play metal if you don't sing."

"Somebody stop her," Bismuth moaned as Rose began to roughly strum the guitar turning the once melodic and peaceful atmosphere into a shrieking mess. Other campers were beginning to stare and Pearl was trying to get the girl to stop. Rose not giving up looking to Lapis and Peridot caught it, the words Rose was mouthing silently. ** _"You're not alone anymore, LL."_ **

Peridot felt Lapis sliding her hand into hers. It was cold and Peridot squeezed it tight. 

"Ok, fine, I'll sing." Lapis sighed and Rose stop, clapping her hands in joy. 

"Finally, that was fucking terrible," Jasper complained, Amethyst laughing loudly. 

Rose starting the melody once more and Lapis hesitated. There was a flash of untamed pain, one that Peridot noticed but then it was gone. Blue eyes staring blankly into the burning embers as the tune emerged from her lips. 

Her voice powerful but soft, a mellow melody that filled Peridot with wonder. 

_ "I looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down and still somehow, its clouds illusions I recall, I really don't know clouds at all." _

It was like a lullaby, it was warm and the music wrapping around them like a blanket. The lyrics lingering in her ears. 

_ “Moon and Junes and Ferris Wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel, as every fairy tale comes real, I’ve looked at love that way. But now it's just another show, you leave them laughing when you go, and if you care don’t let them know, don’t give yourself away. I’ve looked at love from both sides now, From give and take and still somehow, it’s love's illusions I recall, I really don’t know love at all.” _

Lapis’s grip on her tightened and Peridot for some reason felt tears forming in her eyes. The lyrics painting a picture of Lapis’s life, words that she had spoken during the meetings with Garnet resurfacing. 

It had been a month ago and while watching a season of camp pining hearts, Lapis had collapsed. The girl ranting and shivering badly. Peridot had called Lapis’s parents for help and they gave her Garnet’s number and soon they were in the woman’s office. She was rather tall and Peridot had to admit she was intimidated the first moment she met the woman. Lapis was seated beside her, the girl not calming down. Peridot forcing her here as soon as she started falling. Her hands were cold in hers and no matter what she did, they would not warm up.

“Lapis...Lapis how are you feeling?” the woman asked gently, worry in her gaze as Lapis took in another shuddering breath. Peridot squeezing her harder, trying to hold on to the girl who was sinking beneath the surface. 

“Lapis?”

The girl shook her head, her eyes shut so tight, her lips pale from the pain. “Laz,” Peridot whispered. It hurt her to see Lapis this way. The girl had been doing better. Between the hospital check-ups and therapies, she had been healing, slowly but surely. Sure, the darkness was still there but Peridot had thought she was improving. She was wrong. The poison ran deep and Lapis was falling again.

This time, however, she was not alone.

“Laz,” she insisted, pushing in, pulling the girl into a hug, “I’m here,” she cooed softly in the girl’s ears, “I’m always here. I want to understand, please let me...let us help you.”

Her words seemingly having an effect and when she pulled away found Garnet beaming at her. The woman smiling through her worry. Lapis choking back a sob and then the words spilled from her lips. 

“I miss her,” Lapis confessed, “I want to see her again. I’m sorry Mal, I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I want to meet you so bad but now...now I’m here.”

Peridot’s heart clenched from the anguish in her words. “I’m here and I can’t leave. I broke my promise to you Mal,” she cried out, “I was supposed to follow you. You were so scared and I promised to be by your side but you were alone, you died so suddenly I couldn’t even...say…”

“Goodbye,” Garnet continued, the woman standing from her seat, walking over, squatting in front of Lapis. 

“Lapis, look at me,” she commanded softly as Lapis curled in on herself. Peridot feeling her heartbreak as she sobbed, feeling desperate, trying to hold onto Lapis. The pain that had gripped Lapis she barely understood but it hurt. It hurt so bad it made it hard to breathe. 

Garnet placed a hand over Lapis’s closed eyes. “What do you see Lapis?” the woman whispered. The girl struggling trying to get out of her grip but the woman pressed on. “Lapis, please, trust me.”

“Mal is dying, she’s dying Garnet,” Lapis rasped, “She’s been dying since she’s been born. What was the point in her life! What was the point in any of this! Why!?”

“Must there be a reason Lapis?” Garnet whispered. Lapis falling silent, her hands clenched into fist and Garnet had to pull away when the girl lashed out. There was anger, an anger so potent that Peridot had to hold her back from hitting Garnet. 

“Laz!” she called out and the girl gasped, suddenly realizing what she had done. She sunk into the chair, her lips paled and she was shivering again, becoming worse.

“What’s the point in living,” Lapis whispered, her voice cold and dejected. Devoid of all hope, her admission ringing through and Garnet smiled.

“I finally heard the truth,” she whispered, “All these years and you’ve finally told me the truth.”

“Is this suppose to make me feel better Garnet?”

“No, but it’s a start.” the woman whispered. She reached out again, cupping Lapis’s cheeks in her hands. Cradling the girl like a mother to her baby. “Life is a blank sheet Lapis. People come and people go. We can hold on to them all we want but life is cruel and sometimes they’re gone.” Garnet spoke, “How we deal with it is another matter. We can choose to remain in the dark, waddle in pain or we can try to move on.”

“Shut up,” Lapis seethes, “Please just shut up. How can I possibly move on from this! I’m a fucking monster Garnet!”

Lapis tried to stand up but Garnet stopped her, the girl pinned to her seat as she struggled. 

“There are people waiting for you Lapis,” Garnet continued, the woman looking to Peridot who gulped. “People who care deeply for you, who want you to succeed, to live, to love, to laugh. People who believe in you.”

Tears ran down Lapis's cheeks as she struggled to make sense of Garnet’s words. “The past would always be there Lapis, but you have to choose. To remain in it or to move towards the present, to a future.”

“Am I allowed to,” Lapis snaps, “After what I’ve done.”

“What did you do, Lapis?”

“I hurt her, I promised and broke it. I couldn’t keep my family...together. I tried to kill her Garnet.” 

The woman flinching as she said this. 

“I don’t know where she is, Garnet,” Lapis whispered, “I don’t know if I actually wanted her to die. Every day it haunts me and I can’t seem to let go. I was with her every single day but I still couldn’t help her.”

“Lapis,” Garnet paused for a moment before continuing, “You tried. For the longest time...you tried, didn’t you? Isn’t it enough?”

Peridot clutching the girl as she broke, Garnet reaching out as Lapis collapsed on her chest. “You did your best. You helped her. She was happy, wasn’t she? For a moment in time, she lived.” 

“Lapis, Mal is gone, that is the truth. There is no bringing someone back from the dead, and I know...I know you’re still searching. That you miss her, that you want to see her...but Lapis, you can’t live like this. You got to let go.”

“I’m afraid,” Lapis admitted and Garnet looked to Peridot giving her a nod. And suddenly she knew what she needed to do. A path had opened up to her. There were many choices in life, one that leads to mistakes and others to success. However such choices were not limited, in fact, they appear many times, opening up a way to new possibilities. Like mathematics, as logical as life wants you to think it’ll be, it was not. Life was unpredictable, there was no inherent logic. There was no point in calculating it and yet humans still tried. To master it, to learn it, to understand why. There was no meaning in life, but perhaps, it was meant to be that way. A blank slate to imagine, to create one's own purpose. Lapis was the catalyst, an unpredictable factor in her life, a choice that she had made and there was no turning back. 

“I am too,” Peridot whispered and Lapis turned to her, Peridot gripping on harder. “I’m afraid of the possibility of finding you gone. I’m afraid of a future where you’re not there Lapis. I’m afraid of this darkness that keeps you from me.”

However, being afraid was not a weakness. It never was.

** _“Peridot even when your scared or unsure you carried on. How is that weakness? At least to me, it isn't.”_ **

In the cold night of winter, huddled on the beach Lapis’s words had saved her and she smiled fondly at the memory. “Being afraid is not a weakness, isn’t it? We have to move on.” Peridot moved in gently wiping the tears from the girl’s cheeks.**_ “We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us,”_** she whispered and Lapis snorted, laughing softly through her tears. 

“Peridot, Bioshock...seriously,” she choked and Peridot smiled. “I’m not the most poetic person Lapis, I can’t do motivation speeches for shit. You know I can’t, but Lapis, what I know is this…” she leaned in, clasping Lapis tightly in her arms, “Of all the infinite possibilities life could have thrown at us, somehow we met and now we are at a crossroad.”

“And I have made my choice. I might have made it ever since I’ve met you.”

“I want to stay with you forever...even if life turns to shit, even if there's nothing but pain. Even if it tries to bring us down, through the difficulties, through the hurt, through this darkness. I want to be with you.”

She watched as the girl’s eyes widened, watched as she fell silent. “Could you give me some time?” Lapis whispered. It stung but Peridot knew that it was a start. She had said her piece and she will always…

“All the time, Lapis,” she answered kissing the girl lightly on her forehead. “I’ll give you all the time in this world.”

The music got louder, Rose closing her eyes as she strummed. It brought Peridot back to the present and Lapis’s voice pierces through the darkness. Blue azure eyes looked to hers filled with so much emotion that it made Peridot breathless, her heart racing in her chest. A small sad smile appeared on Lapis’s lips.

_ “ _ _ Tears and fears and feeling proud, to say "I love you" right out loud, dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way, But now old friends they're acting strange, they shake their heads, they say I've changed, well something's lost, but something's gained, in living every day.” _

It was like a confession of sorts and Lapis leaned in, placing her forehead on Peridot’s as she sang the last verse. The words reverberating in her heart. 

_ “I've looked at life from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow, It's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all.” _

There was silence as the song ended. Rose placing the guitar down and glancing at them, satisfaction in her gaze. Pearl was leaning on her shoulder, giving them a knowing smile. Ruby and Sapphire encouraging them. Amethyst and Jasper were holding each other tightly in anticipation. 

“That was good,” Bismuth spoke, her voice cutting through the silence. “That was good Lappy.”

Peridot giving out a shuddering breath as Lapis pressed, the girl’s eyes wavering in the dancing orange flame. “That was Mal’s favorite song,” she confessed and Peridot nodded. 

“I figured,” Peridot whispered, clasping Lapis shivering icy hands in hers, trying to warm it up. 

“I still miss her,” Lapis continued and Peridot pressed her lips against hers, softly and gently, before pulling away. Lapis was smiling when it was done and she pulled Peridot in again, kissing her once more, in front of the group. 

Peridot could feel her hurt. She could taste the salt of her tears, could feel her anguish in her shivering body, but she still pressed and Peridot dug in deeper, holding onto her as she clung on. It was hot, tongue brushing against each other, intertwining. It was desperation as Lapis chased back her darkness, trying to find an answer...to stay. Peridot giving in to her search, not letting her go and then it was over. Lapis pulling away for a moment, a wry smile on her lips. Her face reflecting the soft orange glow of dying embers. 

“I want to try,” her words carrying through the wind. “I want to stay,” she whispered, leaning into Peridot once more, hugging her tightly and Peridot buried her face in the girl’s hair, smelling of blueberries, of fresh sea breeze. 

“Lapis,” Peridot called out, “Laz…” Feeling her name on her tongue, cherishing it. 

“Yes?” Lapis answered. 

“I just wanted to say it,” Peridot replied, the girl burying herself further into her chest.

“Ok, I’m assuming you're a couple now,” Amethyst interrupting the peace and Peridot frowned. Rose chuckling as Pearl beats the girl gently over the head.

“What!? We all want to know. They're like the worse...like seriously, the worse. We all know they love each other but they just won’t get together already...it’s like a fucking soap drama!”

“Shut up Amy,” Peridot snapped.

“I would like to know too,” Sapphire asked and Peridot flinched as the group started at them with all too happy faces. She grew red, suddenly embarrassed by what she had just done. Kissing Lapis...so deeply, in public. 

Peridot turned to Lapis who was unusually silent and felt her breath catch as the girl smiled. Gentle blue eyes as deep as the ocean, eyes that would always remain in her heart, bringing warmth and nothing else. A choice had been made, a choice that could not be taken back. 

“Shall we answer them or should we keep the status quo?” Lapis teased and Peridot paused, laughter breaking out as Amethyst protested against their answer. Jasper joining in.

The night carried on and soon they were in their respective tents, Jasper and Amethyst sleeping beside them curled in on each other snoring loudly. Lapis beside her, blue eyes looking to the tent’s ceiling. Peridot watching her silently.

There was still no answer, no concrete proof but Lapis had spoken. She had wanted to try and Peridot breathed out, a tension that she had always carried releasing itself. Lapis holding onto her as she leaned in, sleep carrying her away. 

Then it was cold and when she woke it was dark. And between them where Lapis should have been; was nothing but empty sheets.

* * *

There was a flurry of movement, a desperate cry and then blonde hair buried in her chest. Lapis falling back in shock as the girl crashed into her. Green eyes looking mad, looking like they’ve lost something important. Lapis giving Peridot a questioning look as the girl reached out, touching her, confirming her presence. “Where...were you!” she rasped and Lapis frowned. 

“I was here...I couldn’t sleep, so I…” she paused when Peridot hugged her tightly, wincing from the pain of her half healing wound. “Don’t do that to me Lapis, don’t leave without telling me.”

Her words struck Lapis hard and she swallowed the lump forming in her throat. She knew she was being unfair. Peridot unwavering resolve, her warmth, her heat, everything...she felt like she was taking it for granted. It was real and it was heavy. But it was good, it was comfortable and Lapis had held on.

Dawn broke, Sapphire eventually finding them huddled together, sleeping soundly by the dying campfire. The older girl draping a blanket over them and they awoke to the sound of Pearl’s nagging. 

“It’s cold! Why are the two of you outside! I know sleeping with Amethyst and Jasper can be a pain but seriously you’re going to catch a cold!” 

“Relax honey,” Rose appearing beside her, spotting a very messy hairdo, her hair frizzled up at its ends and Pearl turned her attention to her. Lapis chuckling slightly as Rose cried out when Pearl tried to straighten it with a comb. “A lover’s spat?” Bismuth asked, walking over lighting the fire once more. 

“More like a mother and child,” Peridot commented, her hands still wrapped tightly around Lapis’s. There was still concern in her eyes and Lapis could still feel the worry. She allowed Peridot to cling to her. It helped. Peridot seemingly able to transfer energy from touch alone. Lapis needing it tiring easily these days. Peridot was always there, catching her when she fell. 

Soon the gang was up and then there ate breakfast before Pearl insisted they get to the stage area early. 

“She has a plan doesn’t she?” Jasper muttered and Amethyst rolled her eyes.

“It’s Pearl we’re talking about, she always has a plan.”

“It works, so why not,” Rose said defending her girlfriend who was now giving instructions to Sapphire and Ruby. The festival started literally with a bang and there was a flurry of movement as campers from the night before and latecomers rushed towards the different stages.

“Remember if you get lost-” Pearl shouted over the crowd.

“Head to the campsite. Got it, mother!” Amethyst called back and the older girl folded her arms. Lapis walking slowly as Peridot helped her through the fields, the cool spring airs making the ache at her side two times worse. 

“We can always hang back you know,” Peridot reminded her and Lapis shook her head.

“And miss the songs, no thanks.”

“You’re secretly looking forward to this aren’t you?” Peridot teased and Lapis chuckled.

“How can you tell?”

“I know you Lapis,” Peridot answered, huffing slightly, before helping Lapis. Her words ingrained in her heart. 

“Lapis, look! They’re on the stage!” Peridot calling out excitedly to the band on the stage lit up with bright flashing stage lights. The guitarist dressed in a rather bad cosplay of Freddie Mercury walking up to the mike. “Are you ready!” he shouted and there were cheers. 

“Oh we’re so signing up to perform next year,” Jasper shouted and Lapis groaned. “No, Jasper.”

“You can’t stop me!” 

“Nobody can,” Bismuth winked and the songs started. Random tunes, some original others a cover. The lyrics ringing through. The bands changed hands fast. Lapis enjoying the music. Peridot was bouncing slightly beside her. The girl’s unrhythmic and funny bobbing dance warming Lapis’s heart and she joined in, clapping her hands at some parts.

Soon it was evening and they were exhausted, having stood for the entirety of the day being ramped by crowds. Lapis was about to call it a night when a rather sexy woman dressed in nothing but tight shorts and a bikini top walked on stage. It was a rather bold thing to wear especially when it was still cold out. The woman, however, was confident and Lapis was struck by the number of tattoos running down her body. Her short black hair and confident red eyes striking. She remembered one of the naked women pictures Peridot had sent and she gasped. Peridot doing the same.

“Whoa...she’s a singer?” Amethyst calling out and then there were screams of excitement as the woman took the mic stand in her hands, pinning it to her body and sliding down. It was seductive and the guitarist behind her started the tune. The woman’s voice was deep and when she sang the crowd cheered. 

_ “ _ _ She knows what I think about, And what I think about, One love, two mouths, One love, one house, No shirt, no blouse, Just us, you find out, nothing that wouldn't wanna tell you about no. _ _ ” _

The sensual melody was heating up the night air, her voice hypnotizing and Lapis found herself looking to Peridot. The girl standing transfixed, green eyes staring back at hers. Reaching out she cupped her cheeks, feeling the heat rising through her stomach.

Both sides now, a song composed and sung by Joni Mitchell, Mal had loved the song. She had played it often on the makeshift radio Lapis had gotten for her. The lyrics waffling through the ward, the woman’s soft calming voice making Mal’s raging illness calm and for a moment in her life there had been peace. It was a wondrous song and it brought comfort, but it was wrenched away turning into nothing but pain when Malachite died. 

The radio was stuck behind locked doors, in a room where the family kept hidden. Behind the pain, behind the hurt, the song remained. Rose had brought it up, Lapis knew why, but she could not stop the girl. She knew Rose meant well but sometimes it was too much.

She had sung it once, a year after Malachite’s death, in her desperation to feel her sister one more time. She was trying hard to keep it together. Rose had spotted her and when she was done, the girl had stood beside her, holding her as she sobbed. Rose knew what the song meant and she still played it anyway. It was suffocating and while she sang, she felt herself falling again. But Peridot had been there, the girl holding onto her as she sunk and then she wasn’t.

Not anymore, Peridot became a lifeline and she clung on, grounding herself. The song warm again, and she remembered Mal. Not the raging mess riddled with illness but her laughter, her smiles, her childish dreams...her voice and then...her face. Her sister.

_ “Lapis, you should draw, you're good at it.” _

_ “Lapis why don’t you sing, Jasper wants to create a band. Ohhh...it’ll be so cool if you were the lead singer!” _

_ “Lapis, come on, these drawings are good, don’t throw them away.” _

_ “Lapis, you should be an artist when you grow up. I’ll support you, be your biggest fan.” _

It was a miracle, Lapis thought as she buried her face in Peridot’s neck. A miracle that she had found Peridot. What were the chances of meeting a girl in the midst of a cold winter night? Being served free coffee and talking for hours, sitting together under bright fluorescent lights and freshly fallen snow. Peridot had said the probabilities exist but they were unpredictable and sometimes, probabilities were simply just...that...probabilities. Things that would probably happen but wouldn’t. 

And somehow, out of all the possibilities, they had met. Lapis wandering after an unsuccessful attempt lost in the darkness and meeting a girl that was slowly but surely becoming her future. 

The song ended as soon as it started. Lapis taking in her scent, spreading soft kisses across the girl's neck, sending shivers down her spine. It had been a difficult two months, between therapies and countless counseling. Peridot had remained by her side, never leaving, never quitting. The girl was true to her promise and she had stayed. _ I know you, Lapis. _ Her words echoing, filling her up completely. The desire she had felt exploding from within and she needed to feel her. She needed to know that it would remain, that it wouldn’t disappear. 

They stumbled through the crowd half kissing, half laughing and before long found themselves back in the tent. It was empty, the gang not back yet. Lapis pining Peridot onto the sleeping bag, feeling the girl trembling in her hands. But it wasn’t in pain, the girl was crying out in pleasure. Lapis ran her fingers down the girl’s sweater, feeling the soft bumps that were her breast. She needed to feel, the clothes were restrictive. Her hands wandered and before long it was under Peridot’s shirt, she felt skin, soft, smooth and warm. And then it took over, heat, so much heat. 

“L...Lapis,” Peridot called out to her and she pulled Peridot’s sweater off, the girl’s white sports bra visible in the darkness. Her cheeks flushed red. Her slim, sharp neckline was suddenly very inviting. Lapis feeling almost faint. She never felt this way before. She had slept with many girls but this was the first time she was trembling in anticipation. 

“Peridot,” she groaned, leaning down, placing lips on soft skin, sucking Peridot’s neck gently and then harder, the girl crying out in pleasure, clasping her tight and Lapis panted hard. Her knees in between thighs. Peridot whimpering as she grinded. Rough jeans rubbing in between. She wanted more, she couldn’t stop. Passion erupted as she kissed breast, nipples hard and tight, taut, she licked them softly at first, then harder. Peridot moaning from her touch and she felt hands going up her shirt too. The touch burnt but it felt good and she shuddered, collapsing onto Peridot, her shirt unbuttoned before being pulled off. Peridot releasing the clasps that held her bra in place and then the girl flipped her over, this time touching her. Lapis shuddering as Peridot ran fingers down her skin. It was the girl's first time and she wasn't sure what should be done. “Can...can I…” Peridot whispered almost breathlessly. She was nervous, eyeing Lapis with a mixture of desire and apprehension. Lapis snorting, sniggering slightly, pulling the girl down and Peridot shrieked softly as their breast met. “Fuck...fuck…” Peridot muttered, “Lapis...I…”

Lapis silencing her, kissing her, their lips crashing and Lapis pushed in, tasting the girl. The girl moaning as their tongues twirled around each other. Their hearts beating as one, resounding loudly in Lapis’s ears. Green eyes glazed over with nothing but desire and...love. Lapis pulling away for a moment, suddenly feeling so much. Her heart swelled and tears threatened to spill. 

“I love you, Lapis,” Peridot whispered, her words the final nail and Lapis couldn't stop, pushing herself onto the girl, running her fingers through her hair, licking and kissing, leaving wet streaks across the girl’s body. Warm...It was so warm and comfortable. 

Peridot’s fingers running down, cupping her breast gently, then lingering over her healing scar, sending goosebumps running through her body. The girl was shy, her cheeks flushed, green eyes wavering as she reached for Lapis. It was adorable and Lapis could not stop, she wanted more of the girl. What she could not say, she wanted the girl to know.

Hands reached downwards, releasing the buttons that held Peridot’s jeans and the girl slides it off slowly, groaning into the kiss. Lapis reaching into black panties, feeling the heat and it was wet. So wet. She touched it tentatively, rubbing the small lump between her fingers and Peridot tensed, gripping onto her, sinking her teeth into her shoulder blades. It hurt but it was pleasure. Lapis inserted fingers and she was sheathed in warmth. Pulling them out, she was stunned for a moment at the blood. Peridot eyeing her as she tried to explain but the girl smiled and the fear she felt vanished. Then she did it again, this time sliding them in and out. Peridot’s squeezing her tight, thighs wrapped around her arm as she moved slowly then faster. She could not stop. Lapis calling out Peridot’s name as the girl shook, hands tightly intertwined together. The girl tensing suddenly, head leaning back in untamed pleasure, her mouth open silently gasping. Lapis collapsing onto her, not wanting to leave this warmth, not wanting their bodies to separate. Peridot holding onto her, still panting from what had happened. 

Green eyes as bright as the sun looked into hers, the unbridled joy on her lips. Hands reaching for her, pulling her in. A kiss, long and filled with passion. Tears running down tanned freckled cheeks, blonde hair a mess from the exertion. Lapis smiled before nuzzling the naked girl’s neck, feeling the pleasure once more. It did not hurt, it wasn’t cold. It didn’t feel wrong and now huddled between the sheets, Lapis could fly. She couldn’t hold back anymore and she dug in once more. “Want to do it again?” she whispered huskily and Peridot blushed. Lapis laughing slightly as the girl nodded shyly. For a long time, after that, they laid there. Lapis playing gently with Peridot’s blonde hair. A choice had been made, there was no turning back. She made a decision and she took a leap. The darkness that was always catching up to her, vanished for a moment as she stayed cradled, half-naked on Peridot’s chest.

“I want to go home,” she whispered and the girl paused. “I want to see Mal, Peridot...please bring me home.” The girl pulled her in, a smile on her lips. Her touch sending waves of heat down Lapis’s body. She answered her answer, always the same, filled with nothing but understanding and affection. 

“I will,” she breathed, Lapis closing her eyes, surrendering herself to the light. “I will Lapis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is chapter 12, we're nearing the end. Again I thank everyone who has read this story and I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Game Referenced:  
Bioshock
> 
> Music Referenced:  
Both Sides Now  
Sweater Weather


	13. Malachite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christopher Robin: "Oh, Pooh. If ever there's a tomorrow when we're not together, there's something you must remember."  
Pooh: "And what might that be, Christopher Robin?"  
Christopher Robin: "You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."  
Pooh: "Oh, that's easy. We're braver than a bee, and, uh, longer than a tree, and taller than a goose... or, uh, was that a moose?"  
Christopher Robin: "No, silly, old bear! You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is even if we're apart, I'll always be with you. I'll always be with you. I'll always be with you."  
-Pooh's Most Grand Adventure: The Search For Christopher Robin

**Chapter 13**

**Malachite**

Lapis stood half-naked in her black sports bra staring at herself in the mirror. The side wound she had gotten two months earlier still red and jagged, the stitches sewn on tight, but it was healing. Her fingers brushed against it gently and she winced from the slight pain. The doctors said this would happen, phantom pain that would appear once in a while. She would have to deal with it for the rest of her life but other than that, everything was healing fine. 

There was a soft sniffle behind her and Lapis turned, smiling slightly at the shorter girl sleeping soundly in the bed. She was as usual dressed in that black alien shirt, her green striped underwear visible under messy sheets. Lapis approaching the girl, brushing her fingers through blonde unkempt hair, feeling the thrill as the girl leaned into her touch. It had been a week since the fated night and they had stayed together, huddled under the sleeping bag. It had been comfortable and it felt safe. Lapis falling asleep and waking up hours later to the smirking faces of Amethyst and Jasper. She had chased them out after grabbing her shirt, worried that their presence would scare away the naked girl by her side. 

They emerged from the tent a while later, fully dressed and blushing deeply. Sapphire had given them a thumbs up and Ruby congratulated them with a bouquet of freshly picked wildflowers. Pearl went red before nagging. Rose and Bismuth smacking her on the back in glee. Amethyst announcing the deed like a newspaper report. Jasper supporting her. It had been rather embarrassing yet comical and Lapis broke off laughing as Peridot went into a long raging tirade. 

Now a week later and Lapis could not bring herself to leave Peridot’s embrace. She needed it...she craved it and found herself for most nights sleeping next to the girl. The girl accepted it with open arms and they spent the time cuddling and kissing. 

Last night was no different and Lapis chuckled as the girl scrunched up her nose, sneezing slightly as Lapis’s fingers teased her nose gently. The girl frowning for a moment before turning away, still asleep, snoring softly. Lapis watched her for a long moment before pulling on a sweater and walking out of the room into dark corridors. 

A few moments later she found herself cutting some tomatoes amidst a pot of boiling water. An array of ingredients laid between her. The fresh scent of morning coffee lingering in the air, making in a kettle that was hissing beside the boiling pot.

“It’s five in the morning Lapis,” Amethyst interrupted, the purple-haired girl walking into the kitchen rubbing her tired eyes. 

“Thought I’ll make breakfast,” Lapis answered and the girl eyed her with raised eyebrows, hands on her hips. 

“That’s my duty Lapis, you can have my best friend but not my hobby!” she exclaimed and Lapis snorted. “I’ll relay that to Peridot, apparently eggs are worth more than her.”

Amethyst giggling before grabbing a kitchen knife, scooting over to help Lapis with the garlic and onions. Silence ensued and for a period all that was between them was the sound of knife chopping on boards. Lapis knew that this silence wouldn’t last, Amethyst wouldn’t allow it. The girl, she had observed, hated any long moments of quiet and was prone to breaking it when she got bored...or when she felt insecure about something.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Amethyst started and Lapis paused before forcing a smile. 

“You don’t have to hide it,” Amethyst continued, “We all know and we care. And if you need anything, we’ll be here.”

It had been a simple gesture but it still stunned Lapis. And it was warm, Lapis placing down the knife as Amethyst patted her gently on the shoulders. “You’re visiting your parents today aren’t you?” Amethyst asked and Lapis sighed, leaning against the counter, suddenly exhausted. 

She thought she was ready. After that night, Lapis had felt good, like she could take on the world. But after some thought, she grew afraid again. The fear of being in that house, of confronting, of talking to her parents bringing her so much pain it was astounding. 

_ How did she live with this? How did she handle this alone?  _

“Yes,” Lapis answered, ruffling her hair in frustration, “I don’t know whether I'm ready though...I can’t forget what they did. I can’t bring myself to…”

“To?”

Lapis smirked, shaking her head. “It's nothing,” she whispered and Amethyst frowned. 

“There you go, hiding your true feelings. You got to let it out Lapis. Just let go you know!” Amethyst quipped and Lapis sniggered.

“You make it sound like a fart.”

“Well...it does make you feel better doesn’t it?”

“Never go into counseling Amethyst,” Lapis retorted and the girl chuckled, proceeding back to the onions, chopping them fast as she continued. 

“I wasn’t joking about being here though. We care Lapis and you might not trust us yet but we do. And if you need help, if you feel like you can’t handle it, there’s always a home here for you.”

Amethyst turned to her and Lapis was once again stunned by the sincerity. “Don’t go leaving us again.”

“Jasper been talking again hasn’t she?” Lapis muttered and Amethyst paused.

“How much has that idiot told you,” Lapis seethes.

“Look, I know you’re angry with her but she was drunk...and well she kind of split everything.”

“Figures,” Lapis snorted, looking to the pot of boiling water as it shook and then she wasn’t there anymore, she was with Mal in her room. They were seated together, Mal looking out to the windows. There was longing in those grey eyes and Lapis had been angry. Jasper had betrayed her, she was never coming back. 

“Do you think she hates me?” Malachite whispering, her voice echoing through the cold room. Lapis swallowing the scream that was threatening to emerge. The anger so intense she wanted to hit something, anybody. “No,” Lapis forced out, smiling through clenched teeth, “You know how Jasper can be, give her some time.”

“Hmm,” Mal muttered and Lapis grips the girl’s hand, her gaze wandering to the windows. It was hopeless and Jasper had forced her to lie once more to her sister. A seed of hatred had been planted and it took root. It never left and it was always there. 

“I know I shouldn’t be telling you this,” Amethyst continued, bringing Lapis back from her thoughts. Lapis sighing as she sunk into the seat. “It’s ok Amy,” Lapis muttered, “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Well…” the girl lingered for a moment and Lapis watched as she struggled with herself. “I told myself I wouldn’t interfere, but I can’t take this. You two are so...are such…”

“What is it?”

“Idiots,” Amethyst blurted out. “Why don’t you talk to each other?”

Lapis snorting. “I can’t talk to her Amy, I don’t even think she care-”

“Lapis,” Amethyst stopping her before she could continue. There was a determination in her eyes and Lapis tensed when the girl grabbed her by the shoulders. Lilac eyes staring into hers, the girl unnaturally serious for once and Lapis gulped when she continued. 

“Jasper might seem like an insensitive oaf who sprouts out nonsense all day but deep down...she’s nothing like that,” Amethyst replied, “She’s hurt Lapis, just like you.”

“What?”

“She loved Malachite, Lapis,” Amethyst answered. 

"If she did she wouldn’t have left her alone!” Lapis started, shock turning into anger. 

Amethyst gave a wry smile and she continued. “That was why she came over every day, in her childish fantasy she thought she could save the girl. She was the prince and Malachite the princess. She wanted Malachite to have everything and she like you...promised Malachite that she would be there.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?” Lapis whispered softly, forcing the words out and Amethyst placed the knife down, turning to her. “Cause you were hurting Lapis, she loved you too and she wanted to protect the both of you.”

The revelation was too much. The flashbacks happening fast. Jasper coming over to play, making Malachite laugh. Bringing in gifts from all over the place, a baseball, flowers, acorns from the schoolyard, a cap, a stolen school library book. Sparkling eyes filled with life as they played. Jasper hugging Malachite tightly as the girl chuckled. Jasper crying when Malachite died, pain screaming in her stance. Lapis too numb to feel, Lapis not wanting to look at the body. Lapis wishing she was gone. A hand over her shoulder, orange eyes staring down at hers.

“Talk to me Lapis, please don’t leave too,” voice whispering to her after the funeral. Anger and pain taking over at the girl before her. 

“She wasn’t there,” Lapis choked, cupping her mouth to keep herself from screaming, “She wasn’t with Mal when she died...she stopped coming over… how can you say she-”

“She was scared,” Amethyst said, “The prospect of losing Malachite became too terrible for her to bear so she left before she could grow...closer.”

Malachite asking her where Jasper was. Sad grey eyes watching the window waiting for the orange-haired brute that would always bring her gifts, that would brighten up her day, that would hug her and tell her everything was alright. Lapis growing increasingly angry, lashing out at the girl, carrying the anger for Jasper even after Malachite’s death.  _ Asshole, you fucking left her. _ The voice whispering every time she talked to Jasper.

Lapis had hated her for it. The anger taking root and she had treated her childhood friend with nothing but crudeness, often lashing out, ignoring her, insulting the girl.  _ “We’re not your enemies, Lapis.”  _ Lapis couldn’t help it, deep down she could not find herself to forgive. But Jasper had always been there hasn’t she. Through the days of sickness, through her pain, through her attempted D-days. Always there, shouting, scolding, pulling her back...to live, no matter how painful it was. And here she was now, standing and alive. 

“She regrets it,” Amethyst continued, reaching forward and bringing Lapis into a gentle hug, “Everyday she lives, she regrets it...she doesn’t want you to make the same mistake. She doesn’t want you to walk away from a life you deserve to have. She wants to say sorry but she can’t so I’ll do it for her. Lapis...can you forgive her?”

Jasper ran away and Lapis...Lapis was doing the same. She was running from her parents. She was running from Mal. 

Lapis shutting her eyes tight, trying to hold back her tears, leaning against the girl’s chest. The girl hugging her tighter and she relented, breathing out a sigh of relief. Jasper...Malachite...Pappi...Mae...their faces appearing in her mind, laughing and calling out her name gently. Days gone by, days she couldn’t take back. She had turned away and then she was alone, sinking into the darkness as they reached for her. They could never but then she met her. Peridot. Peridot smiling, green eyes sparkling, warm and filled with possibilities. 

_ “You could go anywhere,” _ Peridot had said one night, cradling her as she clung on desperately.  _ “No one can stop you. And if you grow weary, if you grow tired, we’re always here Lapis.” _

Lapis pulling back for a moment, smiling slightly, staring into purple eyes that were filled with tears. 

“Amethyst,” she muttered, “Take care of that idiot ok?”

Amethyst grinning, bumping her gently on the shoulder. “Sure, and you take care of that nerd.”

They stared at each other for a moment before breaking out laughing. Peridot and Jasper walking down a while later, looking shriveled. Lapis raising an eye at Jasper. “Why are you here young lady?” she asked and Jasper frowned.

“I can fuck my girlfriend anytime I want!” she announced and Amethyst guffawed, almost rolling on the ground. Lapis and Peridot wincing in distaste. 

“How can you like her?” Lapis retorted.

“How can you not?”

Amethyst bounding over to Jasper, hugging the girl tightly. Jasper’s gaze turning soft and Lapis spotted the affection in her eyes. She smiled slightly as her childhood friend buried her face in the girl’s purple hair. It would seem Jasper had found her answer.

Peridot appeared before her, green eyes looking to her, filled with worry.

“You weren’t there when I woke up,” she whispered, reaching out cupping Lapis’s cheeks gently, running her fingers down her red swollen eyes. “Are you ok Lapis?”

Lapis pulling the girl close, resting her head in the girl’s shoulder, wrapping her arms around the small of her back. Taking in the scent of sweet lemongrass and fresh spring grass. Closing her eyes as she felt the anxiety melting away. “I’m ready,” she whispered and Peridot returned the gesture, hugging her back, resting her chin on her head. 

“I’ll take you back Lapis,” she answered, “I’ll always be here.”

“I know.” Lapis smiled, warmth bloomed in her chest as she clung on.  _ She wasn’t alone not...anymore. _

* * *

To say she was nervous was an understatement. Lapis was a mess and Peridot could feel it. The nervous energy radiating off the girl was emphasized by the way she gripped onto Peridot. It was desperate like she was trying to hold on and it hurt. Lapis’s nails dug into her flesh and Peridot winced as the girl dug in harder, seemingly no control of her emotions. Peridot didn’t mind though and she allowed it. She was glad. Glad that Lapis trusted her enough to allow her to see this part of her. A part she would never show anyone else. 

"Laz," she coaxed and the girl returned to her, taking in long deep shuddering breaths. "Sorry, Peri," she started after a moment, "This is really taking a toll on me."

"Hey," Peridot whispered taking the downcast girl's chin and forcing Lapis to look at her. "I'll always be here, Laz, remember that." 

"I know Peri," Lapis muttered turning to look at the house before them. It was unkempt, to say the least. White paint was peeling off the walls, weeds, and grasses growing wild on the front porch. A dead tree stump standing in its midst. The front porch was slanted, the wooden steps leading to the main dirty blue door was rotten. It was different from what Peridot was expecting and she was slightly taken aback by its appearance. 

"I just...," Lapis stopped herself and Peridot smiled tentatively, holding onto Lapis, making the first steps towards the house. 

"Laz, I know it's difficult and I know you don't believe it'll get better," Peridot replied softly, "But trust me."

Lapis pausing for a moment, her eyes lingering on the rusty golden doorbell button. "I don't know Peri," she said, reaching out and pressing it, "But I trust you." The girl's grip tightening as the doors opened. Peridot once again finding herself face to face with the Lazulis. George and Azul Lazuli were smiling as they invited them in. Peridot wincing as Lapis's grip got tighter. The girl was tense and Peridot could understand why. 

The interior of the house like the outside was unkempt. The blue wallpaper was torn and drooping from the walls. An old cabinet stood slanted along the narrow corridor leading to the living room. It was empty and cold, a stark contrast to the all too happy act George and Azul were putting on now. 

"Nice meeting you again Peridot," George greeted as they sat by the dusty sofa in the living room. On the short broken mahogany coffee table was a platter of Portuguese egg tarts and some cups of earl grey tea. Lapis remaining silent as her parents busied themselves serving Peridot. They made small talk. George asking about Lapis’s therapy sessions. Azul asking about the dormitory Lapis was staying in. 

“Have you been taking your meds Laz?” Azul asked turning to the girl who nodded slightly. Her gaze lingering on the small urn placed above the fireplace. Peridot seeing it for the first time. 

Silence engulfed the room and Peridot gripped on tighter to Lapis.

“Do you want to try some of the tarts?” George spoke next, the man breaking the silence, forcing a smile. 

“I had a few, it’s alright Mr Lazuli,” Peridot answered. The man falling silent once again, fixing his glasses. Exhaustion in his ash-grey eyes. Azul reaching out for him. Man and woman sat, between faded sofas and broken furniture, in an empty house. Like ghosts from the past. The sadness eating them from within the facade. Their smiles never quite reaching their eyes.

“I’ve been taking Lapis to therapy,” Peridot started, trying to ease the strange tension. “She’s been doing better. Physically, the doctors said her wound would heal...but there would be a scar.”

“It’s good,” George muttered, “It’s good that your doing better. Lapis…” He paused and Peridot saw the hesitation, the inability to communicate. The torment in his gaze as he looked to his daughter. There was unspoken pain. In its messy appearance, beneath the happy facade, the solemn silence nestled beneath the dust. The Lazulis, Peridot decided, needed to talk.

**“Lapis...why did you...why are you here?” ** He continued, Peridot wincing from his words. It felt wrong. 

“Why can’t I be here?” Lapis answered, her gaze never once leaving the urn. 

“Because...because...you…” the man pausing once more. 

“Because I left?” Lapis asked and the man stiffened, his hands shaking as he reached to adjust his spectacles. 

“Yes,” he forced out, “Yes...Lapis. We begged you to come home. After the incident, we begged, but you...But you declined our offer. I…”

Azul cutting in, patting her husband slightly, “Does this visit mean you are willing to come home now?” she asked, staring intently at Lapis who chuckled. Her laughter empty. 

Peridot watched as Lapis turned away from the urn and they flinched as she spoke. “I can’t, not here. I’m tired,” she whispered her admission ringing through the cold empty air. George taking in a sharp breath, Azul cupping her mouth. Lapis faced them, there were no smiles, no mask, no act...the facade ripped clean off and all that was left was sadness buried deep in pain. Peridot holding onto her and was glad when she responded. 

It was a start and Peridot was willing to do anything to make it right.

“Laz?” George whispered. 

“I tried so hard,” Lapis continued, a glassy look in her eye, Peridot knowing that the girl was drowning once more. “I miss her, I miss her laughter, I miss her smiles...I miss our...family.”

Lapis taking in a shuddering breath, ocean blue eyes turning to face Peridot. Peridot giving her an encouraging nudge and Lapis smiled. “I want to change,” she said, “I want this feeling to leave but I’m exhausted. I’ve been keeping it in for so long I don’t know if I could move from this.”

George standing up slowly from the sofa as Lapis spoke. Tears running quietly down Azul’s cheeks. “All I wanted was Mal to be happy. To be free. I made a promise to you,” Lapis said, “I promised to take care of Mal and I tried. I stayed with her, day and night...I stayed. It wasn’t a burden, I never once thought of it that way...but I knew...I knew it was a lost cause. I knew from the way Mae cried, I knew from the way Pai worked. I knew that Mal was going to die and I wanted to do anything...anything to keep it from falling apart.”

“I was naive,” she choked, “We were all smiles in front of Mal. Keeping up a facade when she found out. She knew, Mae...Pai...She knew she was going to die and we kept it from her. We lied to her. She was angry, she must have felt so lonely.”

“We were only trying to protect you...protect her, Lapis,” George rasped, the man burying his face in his hands. “We only ever wanted...to keep you from…”

“I know,” Lapis whispered, “I know but there are bad things Pai. There would always be bad things. And I know now…” Lapis leaning into Peridot, “I know that we need to accept it. That we need to talk about it, so I will. I cannot carry this alone.”

“Cause I love you and I want you to know.”

George breaking down, walking over to Lapis and pulling her into a hug. Peridot smiling through tears as Azul joined them later. Both adults wrapping Lapis and they cried. The air suddenly warm again and Peridot yelped as Lapis pulled her into the embrace and for a long moment they stood together. The ice broke and the words spilled. 

Lapis telling them about Mal, about herself. About the beers, the parties, the tattoo, the girls, the suicide attempts. Azul gasping and cupping her mouth, but still holding on. George bringing her close, never letting her go. “I hate myself,” Lapis admitted, “Every time I close my eyes, I hear them...voices from the distant past. I can hear you blaming me for leaving Mal alone...and I believe them. I believed that I deserve to hurt...even now...I still can’t forgive myself.”

“Oh Laz,” George muttered, “We couldn’t forgive ourselves either.” He admitted. The man looking to Azul who gave a shuddering breath. “We were weak. I used you Laz,” the woman stated, “You were what kept me going during those dark times. You were always so strong, always standing as Mal got worse. You kept going even through it all and I took it for granted. I cried...I showed you my pain but I never allowed you to do so.”

“I buried myself in work,” George said, guilt in his eyes, “I couldn’t bear the thought of Mal dying so I buried myself. I told myself that we needed money. That we needed money for the hospital bills...but we had insurance and...what we needed wasn’t money. It wasn’t a cure...it was..” He paused, looking to Peridot who gave him an encouraging nod and he sighed, “What we needed was to be together.”

“But we left you alone,” Azul continued, “With Mal. We told ourselves that it was for the best. That you would take good care of her. That you were the only one strong enough to do so. And when she died…”

“We’re sorry,” George broke, “We’re sorry for blaming you. We were hurt, we were desperate, there was no one else to blame.”

Lapis closing her eyes tight for a moment and Peridot held on. “We never talked,” he whispered and Lapis stifled a sob. George bringing her close, hugging her tightly. “It was too painful and you carried it alone. I’m sorry Laz. Could you forgive us?”

“I thought you hated me,” Lapis confessed, “I thought I failed you.”

“No,” Azul moaned, “No we can never hate you Lapis. That was not...we weren’t ourselves. We were swallowed in our own grief that we did not think. You are our daughter Lapis…we can never hate you.”

“There is nothing we can do to take back what we said,” George lamented, “But know this...we are proud of you. And despite everything, we love you. We love you. There is no need for forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive Lapis.” 

“What did I tell you,” Peridot whispered and Lapis chuckled slightly. George breaking into a genuine smile as Lapis hugged him back, burying her face in his chest. “I missed this,” she breathed and the man nodded into her embrace. 

“I missed this too Laz.”

Azul wiping her tears away through a smile. The woman taking ahold of Peridot's hands. Surprised, Peridot stiffened and the woman chuckled. “Thank you...for everything Peri,” the woman quipped and Peridot blushed. “I know...you’re still wary of me and I’m sorry if I seem distant but I’m trying. I’m trying to understand and I want to support this.”

Joy sprouted in Peridot’s chest and she brought the woman closer, hugging her. The woman tensing for a moment before returning the hug, laughing slightly. Her laughter a mixture of snorts and giggles. Peridot noting how Lapis had her mother’s laugh. “This is a start,” Peridot mentioned and the woman agreed. “Yes, yes it is.”

They found themselves in front of a faded green door a while later. A key in Lapis’s hands as she fitted it in through the keyhole. George squeezing Lapis’s shoulders and Azul encouraging her forward. Peridot clutching onto her hand and Lapis turned the key. It was time to face it, to face her...Malachite.

* * *

Malachite’s room was exactly how she remembered it to be. The room was covered in a thin layer of dust but her stuff, her bed, the furniture...everything was just as it is. An analog television stood by the front of the bed, bean bags were strewn messily on the floor. Godzilla and Star Wars figurines were arranged messily on a shelf. Drawings, yellowed from time was still pasted on the walls. Lapis’s drawings. It was like taking a step into memory lane, back through time. For a moment, Lapis thought Malachite would appear and she had to pause. 

Peridot was beside her and the girl’s presence was enough to keep her grounded. She remained in the present and pushed back the dark memories that were threatening to emerge. “Mal always loved those,” her mother remarked, pointing to the pictures Lapis had drawn. Pictures of Godzilla and gigantic spaceships fighting with each other. Mal had always enjoyed making up gigantic epic battles that Lapis would draw just to amuse her. 

“Remember our wall mural Laz?” her Pai started and Lapis watched as the man traced the forested trees that had painted on the walls. The man smiling fondly and Lapis remembered the laughter, the fun times as she splashed paint on him. How he laughed instead of getting angry. How he gently placed a finger on her nose, smudging it in paint. How Mae had joined in later, the three of them elated, excited that Mal could come home.

Memories that she had locked away, deep in her heart, buried beneath the grief, emerging. She was exhausted and finding it hard to stand. Lapis felt the pain and she was falling once more. 

Peridot catching her, clasping her tightly. “Was that the radio?” Peridot asked, pointing to the small green box which they had played endless tunes on and Lapis nodded. The girl bounding forward to pick it up. 

“Of course it wouldn’t work,” she started disappointed, “Can I fix it?”

“Well, if you can,” Lapis teased and the girl placed hands on her hips. “Are you doubting my skills Laz?”

“I’m just giving you a reality check,” she joked and the girl huffed. “I’ll show you.”

“Sure, Peri.”

She chuckled as the girl grumbled. Lapis was grateful for the distraction the girl provided. Her eyes fell to the bed and she proceeded carefully towards it. She sat and sneezed when dust rose from the sheets. It was smaller than Lapis remembered it to be. Back then it had been their world. Mal cuddling with Lapis underneath the sheets as they played, imagined secret societies and clubs, drew, told stories. She smiled, running her hands down the sheets before frowning.

There was something beneath it and she pulled the sheets off with a quick motion. Her blood going cold as she spotted a sketchbook. The very sketchbook she had provided to her sister. Mal couldn’t draw, after learning about the sickness she had stopped. The sketchbook always empty and it left a gaping hole between them. Now though...it wasn’t...and on the covers were the messy, spidery handwriting of Malachite Lazuli. It was as if the girl was speaking to her from beyond the grave and she reached for the sketchbook. Peridot holding onto her. Azul and George gasping at what they saw. 

_ “You left me.” _ That was the first words on the page and Lapis fell back. The words hurting and she moaned. The pain becoming too much. Peridot clasping her, not allowing her to leave. She wanted to bolt, she wanted to scream.

She did leave...she left her alone...she was alone. Alone in this room when she died. She must be angry. She must have been so sad. Lapis couldn’t take it and she was about to close the sketchbook when Peridot pressed on. “Lapis,” she stressed, “Lapis do not run away. You cannot. Read it Lapis. I’m here. Please trust me.” 

“I hurt her Peri, I hurt her,” she raved, wanting to give up but Peridot would not allow it. Green eyes, glaring into hers, forcing her to stay. “Trust me Lapis. Trust me.”

Taking in trembling breath Lapis turned back to the sketchbook. There were words written with a black marker. The words messy and it was hard to make out. Malachite must have struggled to write them in her pain. Just thinking about it almost pushed Lapis over the edge but she pressed on. 

_ “You left me. I don’t blame you though. I know I’ve been horrible. I know you wouldn’t leave and I took it for granted. I’m scared Laz, you’re the only one left. You’re the only one giving me the strength to carry on. I’m sorry Laz, I’m sorry for treating you like this. I’m sorry for hitting you. I’m sorry for lashing out. I’m sorry if I’m not myself. I’m sorry Laz.” _

Lapis sinking slowly into the bed as she read, tears spilling from her eyes. Her hands clasping onto the sketchbook tightly. Peridot flipping the page for her and on it was a rather childish drawing of a younger Lapis. Mal struggling to draw. Lapis’s hair, her face, and a smile.  _ “I love you Laz.”  _ A note was written beside the drawing. It was the only drawing Malachite had done after the sickness. It must have been the last. Lapis sobbing, clutching the sketchbook, holding it close to her chest. Her sister’s words echoing in her ears. 

“I’m sorry,” she struggled, her parents surrounding her, hugging her tightly. Peridot holding on, not letting go. “I’m sorry Mal. I’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

And then it was over. A weight lifting from her chest. The invisible chains that had once wrapped itself over her ankles and wrist disappearing and Lapis could breathe. There was still pain, a longing to be with her sister. To see her once more, to hold her in her arms, to shout. To tell her everything would be alright, that everything would be fine.

But Mal was gone. There was no denying that fact. For seven years, Lapis had lived without a sister, an only child in a broken family. However, it didn’t have to be this way. She could still carry on. Mal...Malachite Lazuli loved her and she would always be in her heart. 

“What did I say?” Peridot asked, cupping Lapis’s cheeks, kissing her gently. Her lips warming her up and Lapis smiled through the tears. “Idiot,” she whispered. Her parents chuckling slightly at the sight and they hugged. Lapis leaning into Peridot’s embrace.  _ This was real _ . And it was never going to go.

They remained in the room for a few hours. Her parents sitting uncharacteristically on the bean bags. Peridot seated beside her on the bed and they talked. They talked about Mal, about her likes, her dislikes, about what they used to be, about what they could be. The tension that had always clouded her family, lifting suddenly and it was lighter and it was good. 

They had accepted her. Peridot was right. She was free. 

Evening came, the setting sun bathing the room in a warm evening glow. Pai inviting Lapis and Peridot out for dinner. With Mae riding shotgun, they drove to the nearest pizza joint and they ate. Pai ordering the largest Hawaiin pizza and they laughed as they struggled to finish it.

“Your mother and I met...in a bathroom,” Pai said when Peridot told them about their strange meeting. Lapis groaning as he continued. 

“You told the story a thousand times,” she said and her father chuckled, the mischievous glint he had always carried when Lapis was young back again. He seemed brighter, more sure of himself and Lapis found that she didn’t mind. 

“We were at the college party and I was drunk,” he continued and her mother blushed. “I entered the bathroom and guess who I found.”

“Of course you found Mae, Pai,” Lapis interjected and he grinned. 

“Your Mae was terrified of the crowd and decided to lock herself in the bathroom. When I came in, she almost hit me over the head with toilet paper.”

Peridot choked on her pizza and she laughed. Her mother turning a shade of red and she pouted. “George, I thought you wanted to-”

“Well, that was the only time I was glad to be drunk. You were so beautiful, I fell in love with you at first sight,” he admitted and the woman groaned. Lapis feeling the second-hand embarrassment. 

“You're like your dad aren’t you?” Peridot said, “A natural flirt.”

“I don’t want to turn into an old man thank you very much,” Lapis teased and George laughed. 

The night continued and soon dinner was done.

“You sure you don’t want to stay over?” her dad asked. Her mother nodded. 

“It’s ok. I’ll visit over the weekends. The dormitory is closer to school anyway.” she answered and George nodded. They stood awkwardly apart for a second before Peridot pushed her forward. They crashed into each other. Father, mother, and daughter, on the ground, looking irritated at the culprit who chuckled. “Just hug already, jesus,” Peridot quipped and they broke off laughing. Her father wrapping her mother and her in a tight embrace. His arms, warm, strong and comforting. 

“I love you,” he whispered and Lapis took it in. His words melting the ice in her heart. “We will always be here Lapis,” her mother continued, ruffling her fingers gently through her hair. She was safe again and she closed her eyes.

“We’ll try, we’ll talk, we’ll be better.”

“Ok,” Lapis whispered, “Ok.”

They left in their car. Peridot taking her hands as she watched them leave. She was still clutching onto the sketchbook and she sighed, collapsing onto Peridot who caught her. “Take me home,” she groaned and Peridot chuckled. 

“Tired?”

“I was,” Lapis answered truthfully and she smiled as Peridot flicked her gently on the forehead. “I’m tired too you clod.” 

“Sorry for making you do this.”

“Don’t be, I want to be here,” Peridot replied and Lapis took her in, wrapping her tightly in her arms, burying her face in her neck. The girl yelping at the contact. She was stable, she was warm, she was here.

She could finally say it. The lump in her throat disappearing as green wavering eyes stared back at her. Eyes as clear and green as emeralds, as the deepest forest. She kissed her once, pulling away as Peridot blushed.

“Here,” she teased, “it’s on the house.” 

Peridot frowning. First words that were spoken when they first met. A lonely, awkward girl who had gathered up her courage to talk to her, who cared enough to want to know her. 

“Kisses are always on the house, Lapis,” Peridot chided and she leaned in, catching the girl on the lips again. The girl protesting and Lapis giggled.

“I’m not done Laz!”

“I love you,” Lapis confessed and the girl paused. “I love you Peridot Costa, more than anyone...anything in this world.”

Tears welled up in the girl’s green eyes and Lapis leaned in once more, kissing her gently, pulling away to cup her cheeks. 

“That’s the second time you said it you clod,” Peridot muttered and Lapis frowned.

“The second? I’ve said it before? When?”

Peridot folding her arms shaking her head in disbelief. “Unbelievable,” she quipped and Lapis chased after her as she ran ahead, cheekily sticking out her tongue as Lapis pressed.

“When Peridot? Hey?!”

The girl laugh and Lapis caught her, spooning her from behind. The girl turning, “It’s a secret Laz.”

“Fine,” Lapis relented and they held hands, walking through the night, down the fluorescent lighted streets.

There would be more tomorrows, Lapis thought, smiling as she felt the girl beside her. There would be more walks, more talks, more dates, more living to do. A path had opened up. There was still pain, there was still hurt, it lingered behind, beneath the smiles but Lapis knew...Lapis knew that she would be here. 

She had been drowning but Peridot would not allow her to sink. Like a lifeline, telling her to live. She was loved. Malachite loved her, her parents, they still do. Jasper, Amethyst, Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Rose, Bismuth and...most of all Peridot. They love her. They cared and it gave her a reason. It was more than enough. 

D-days she had tried, D-days that had failed. 

“I’m still here,” she whispered and she gazed into the night sky. The stars above boundless, endless, an infinite amount.

“I’ll live, Mal, I’ll see you again,” she proclaimed, “In the future.”

It was suddenly really cold. Something pushed her gently and Lapis blinked. She stumbled for a bit, Peridot catching her. Lapis turning, still feeling the gentle touch on her shoulder. Her eyes widened in realization as she heard a tiny voice.  _ A figment of her imagination? _

_ “I’ll see you later.” _

“Laz you ok?” Peridot asked worry in her eyes and Lapis smiled, gripping the sketchbook tighter. 

“I’m going Mal.”

“Lapis?”

“I’m fine Peri,” Lapis replied, gripping the girl tight, bringing her close. She kissed her once more. It felt like a miracle every time they did and it filled her with joy. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Peridot answered and they chuckled. 

There was a future for her. In a world without Mal, through this pain, through the suffering, through the hurt...there would be a future. Here; with Peridot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter my dudes. Thanks for reading the story. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I hope I did it justice.


	14. The Laws of Chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whom chance often passes by, it finds at last.-Unknown (Proverb)

**Chapter 14**

**The Laws of Chances**

“Pass me the spanner, Laz,” Peridot commented, frowning when the girl failed to answer. Peridot emerging from under the cabinets she was fixing, looking to the rafters where the girl sat. Lapis was swinging her feet, a paintbrush in her hand, her azure eyes staring at the walls she had painted. 

“Laz?” Peridot called out again and the girl turned to her, smiling slightly. She motioned for Peridot to join her and Peridot sighed. 

“We’re supposed to be fixing up the barn Lapis, we’ve got a schedule to follow,” she nagged and the girl shrugged. Peridot eventually joining her and she gave a shriek when Lapis pulled her down. They crashed onto the bean bags that Lapis had carried up to the rafters a day before and Peridot found herself staring at a ceiling. A ceiling painted with the warm colors of blue and gold. Swirling patterns, a familiar art piece. Vincent Van Gogh Starry Night above them, Lapis grinning at her achievement and Peridot relaxed.

“You know we could always paint the house later,” she chided.

“I know, Peri, but I had the urge you know,” Lapis replied, giving Peridot a cheeky grin and before she knew it, paint was smeared over the nose. Peridot folding her arms in protest as Lapis laughed.

“Oh, you asked for it!”

“Bring it, Peri!”

It was war. Lapis chasing Peridot with a can of paint and Peridot doing the same soon after. It was late when they laid on the half-finished floors of their newly bought barn, surrounded by a mess of paints and handyman tools. Peridot panting as Lapis laid on her chest, looking at their work. “We’ve gone off schedule...again,” Peridot complained and Lapis chuckled.

“You’ve got to learn to relax Peri, besides we have all the time in the world.”

“Yes, but I want this to be done. Our beds would be coming in soon and-”

“Relax, Peri,” Lapis commented and hugged her, Peridot sighing into her embrace. 

“I still can’t believe you bought this barn,” she stated after a while, looking to the half-finished furniture, the broken down floors, the creaky roofs and the messily placed antique stuff. 

“And you disagree?”

Peridot pausing for a moment. “It’s a little run down don’t you think?”

“Yes, but you know…”

Peridot smirking, flicking Lapis in the nose. “Yeah...yeah, I know.”

They bought a barn. Months after the incident, life continued. Lapis doing better. Peridot remaining by her side. They did almost everything together and it had been fun. Like a dream, Peridot felt the days past and she was content. It was not all peaches and roses though, there were days where Lapis sunk, days where she was confronted with her past, days, where they felt like nothing, would be ok, but they had each other and they pulled through. 

They went for plenty of dates, sometimes to exhibitions that Lars invited them too, sometimes to the movies, sometimes doing double dates with Jasper and Amethyst, the latter usually going wild in concerts. Sometimes taking long hikes up various nature parks, Lapis pulling her to places they've never seen before. College passing by, the days warm...cold...bright...dark...they stayed together. Soon another year had passed and it was Spring again. The flowers blooming, the smells of fresh air and new life sprouting from the moist earth. And they bought a barn...well Lapis did. 

Ruby and Sapphire congratulating them. Amethyst called them crazy. Pearl had panicked and almost dragged Lapis back to the dealer. Jasper and Rose laughing at their plight. Bismuth coming over later and drawing out plans. Soon, they were fixing it up. Their friends coming over to help sometimes. Peridot’s parents giving them some furniture, her dad so excited he almost bought them the entire store. George helping with the repairs and John giving some sound advice. Azul and Gialla coming over with food while they worked. Both their parents interacting and helping out, their families becoming closer.

“I feel like we’re married,” Peridot had commented one evening. Lapis giggling as she laid her head on her shoulder, wrapping her hands around Peridot’s as they stared at their parents.

“Is that a bad thing Peri?” she teased and Peridot spluttered.

“We’re still in college Laz!” 

“Oh? So...after college?”

“What-”

“I want a diamond ring Peri,” Lapis smirked and Peridot gaped. Lapis leaning closer, kissing her on the cheek. “And some roses.” she continued. 

Peridot making some mental notes and Lapis nudges her. “At least 10 carats,” she joked and Peridot frowned. “Lapis that’ll be at least a million dollars.”

“Exactly.”

“Clod.”

“Whatever you say, Mrs. Lazuli,” Lapis whispered. Peridot spluttering, Lapis chuckling as they huddled beneath the warm night sky.

It was raining heavily when they first spotted the barn. Lapis protecting Peridot from the torrential rain and they stumbled into it for shelter. Frankly, it looked like a place straight out of a horror movie. Derelict in appearance, with holes in its walls and roof, wood rot from within, antique furniture dumped and filled with cobwebs. It was a mess, but it was still shelter and it was good enough. 

“I told you it was a bad idea to go for a walk today!” Peridot chided and Lapis shrugged. Peridot blushing slightly as Lapis began to strip. Peeling away her wet jacket and then her shirt. “W...what are you-”

Lapis pulling her close and soon they sat, naked, underneath a dirty sheet Lapis had found, over a small burning flame that Lapis had made. “We don’t want to catch a cold,” she replied and Peridot blushed from the closeness, her heart beating as Lapis’s skin touched hers. Water dripped from Lapis’s wet hair, rolling down her face, down her neck, towards her shoulder and then…

“What are you looking at Peri?” Lapis teased. Peridot spluttering. She was still nervous about it. They had only done it once...during the night in the tent and it had been completely and utterly magical. They had cuddled many times over but they had not done it again. Mostly because Peridot...was nervous. Too nervous, to start, to ask...and every time this happens she’ll freeze. And now, they were close...naked once more, huddled beneath a sheet, beside a warm burning fire. The rain making pattering noises as it pounded against the roof. 

“I’m not looking at anything,” Peridot spluttered and Lapis chuckled, nuzzling Peridot’s neck and desire shot through her. Before she knew what she was doing, Peridot had pinned Lapis on the ground. Blue eyes gazing into her own, her cheeks flushed, Lapis embracing her. “You know, we’ve only done it once,” Lapis whispered and Peridot leaned down. The girl shivered as she kissed her neck. 

“May I?” Peridot said softly and Lapis nodded. The nervousness vanished as soon as she kissed Lapis. For a long time after they laid together, making love in the small derelict barn. The cold, damp air, filled with warmth and when they were done, they huddled together under the sheets looking up to the ceiling.

“We’re going to be graduating soon,” Lapis said, her head resting on Peridot’s chest. Peridot ruffling her fingers through-dyed blue hair. 

“Yeah, and I hope you pass...I’ve never seen you study once,” Peridot commented and the girl frowned.

“I’ll pass Peri,” she retorted and Peridot snorted. “Really Lapis? Just last week you told me you failed one of your core classes.”

“Hey, I passed the retake with flying colors,” Lapis protested and Peridot eyed her. 

“Ok, so maybe, I just passed.”

“That’s more like it.”

“Sure, sure, so nerd, how were your grades?”

“What do you expect from a nerd?”

“Figures you’ll be the next Steve Jobs,” Lapis mocked and Peridot chuckled.

“You’ll cook my sandwiches while I work,” Peridot joked and Lapis flicked her. “In your dreams, Peri.”

“I’ll be the one earning money...being an artist is not a stable job you know,” Peridot smirked. 

Lapis flipping her over and she gasped as the girl straddled her. Her slender, naked body sexy in the dimly lit barn, illuminated slightly from the burning fire. Peridot gulped as the girl leaned in. “So you’ll take care of my broke ass?” Lapis asked and Peridot nodded, shivering as hands ran down her body.

“I’ll always take care of you Laz,” she muttered and they shared another kiss before doing it again. When they came to, Peridot found Lapis seated beside the burnt-out fire, looking to the empty space before them.

“We’ll always be together Peri,” the girl said and Peridot smiled, scooting closer, taking the girl into an embrace. “Yeah, we would.” She answered. 

“I’ll be here, you’ll go to work and when I’m done we could eat together. We could have pets...kids if you want...I have it all planned Laz,” Peridot continued and the girl smiled.

“You’re an idiot, Peri,” she whispered, “But...I think I see it too.”

They got dressed, left the barn a while later, holding hands as they made their way back to the dormitory. They talked, they dreamt and a week later, Lapis arrived back with the barn’s deed in her hands.

“What the actual fuck Lapis,” Peridot had exclaimed and Lapis smiled.

“I told you, I’m a woman of action.”

“How the hell did you get the money?”

“I’m an artist Peridot,” Lapis replied winking and Peridot gaped as Lapis produced the envelope of money from her pockets. “Apparently, if people like your works they’ll pay for it.” 

“Unbelievable,” Peridot muttered before leaping into her arms, hugging her. And here they were now, looking at the half-finished barn, fixing it up. A white hammock a gift from Ruby hung up between pillars. Bean bags and a green sofa on the rafter, a television in front of it. The barn...their home was still a work in progress but it was theirs. And it was their future. 

“Have I told you how much I love you?” Peridot said, smearing another slab of paint on Lapis’s nose. The girl wrinkling it before laughing.

“A million times Peri,” she replied. 

“And I’ll do it a million times over,” Peridot replied, leaning in, lips meeting. Kissing again, girls chuckling, happiness engulfing them. The future held no promises, nothing was permanent, but Peridot knew…

That she would never be alone and…

That was more than enough.

* * *

“Where are you going Pumpkin,” Lapis called out, struggling to hold on to the leash as well as the hefty amount of art supplies in her arms. She should have brought a bag. The golden retriever barking as she made her way through the fallen red and yellow Autumn leaves. Lapis smiling slightly, taking in the sweet earthy smell of moist ground. 

Pumpkin, that was the name Peridot gave to the abandoned puppy three years ago. They had found her not long after buying the barn on one of their long hikes. The name had stuck and now the puppy once small was now a fully grown and spoilt dog. Lapis releasing Pumpkin from her leash and the dog leaped onto her, licking her on the face.

“Ok, ok calm down, you’re free,” Lapis chuckling as the dog went frolicking among the leaves, disappearing into the thicket. She’ll be back later. Sometimes Pumpkin needed the space to roam. She was an animal after all. Lapis settling down in the midst of the forest clearing, setting up the canvas and paint, looking to the scenery before her.

She hadn’t meant to leave Peridot behind...at the barn. But the girl was busy as usual. Her work as a professor at Beach University not leaving her much time for herself. And on days like these, Peridot sat huddled in her tiny workspace, grading papers and whispering to herself. Lapis had wanted to invite the girl for the usual walk but decided against it. She too...needed some time to think. Lapis reaching into the pockets of her blazer, her hand brushed against a smooth box and she sighed. 

“Would she like it Mal?” she whispered into the cold empty breeze, staring at the fluffy white clouds lingering in clear blue skies. She had gotten it months ago, Peridot’s dad playing a huge role in the buying process. He had driven her around town and they had went to various shops to find that special one. John’s enthusiasm fueling her drive and they had spent a full day searching for it. Lapis finding it in a small run-down jewelry shop just off the coast. That had been months ago and still, the box sat settled in her pockets. Lapis not quite finding the time or courage to ask Peridot the question.

And Lapis knew that it would change everything and she wasn’t sure how to feel about that. 

She got to painting, covering the canvas with orange and yellow colors, taking inspiration from her surroundings. The process relaxing and she found herself engrossed, the anxiety releasing itself slowly. Garnet said to take things one step at a time and she did. She graduated with Peridot. The latter kissing her as they don their gowns, throwing hats into the air. Lapis becoming an artist, painting for commission. Peridot getting a job as an assistant teacher. They worked, sometimes together, others apart. The times had been difficult at first. Lapis sometimes struggling to find a customer. Peridot trying hard to prove herself. There were days where Peridot came home crying from a hard day, days where Lapis felt worthless, her art pieces not selling...but they had each other and no matter how horrible it was, they stayed. Peridot holding her close, supporting her every step of the way. Lapis comforting the girl, cooking her meals and pushing her forward. 

The days spent in the barn, a dream, a life, a future. Lapis slowly but surely pushing away the darkness that sometimes still came back. Peridot always by her side and Lapis knew...that she would be the only one.

All she needed was to take the next step. To start a new chapter. So...why was she hesitating?

“Ah! There you are!” Peridot’s voice breaking her out of her thoughts. Lapis turned and found a mess of blonde hair buried in her chest. Peridot hugging her, sinking into her embrace. “Why didn’t you ask me to come with you? I needed a break.”

“You were grading papers, Peri,” Lapis teased, “You know how you get when you're engrossed in your work. Besides I called you three times and you didn’t answer.”

“Still…” Peridot sulked and Lapis sniggered. Peridot looking to her painting, her green eyes lighting up in wonder. “This is really beautiful, Laz...I still wonder how you do it.”

“Simple, I just put a brush on canvas.”

“Don’t teach Laz,” Peridot retorted and Lapis shrugged.

“I won’t, that’s why Jasper the teacher and I’m not.”

Peridot giggling as Lapis folded her arms. “It still feels weird though,” Peridot continued, “I can’t believe Jasper of all people became a high school teacher.”

“Hey, despite how she looks, she has a way with kids and besides she’s teaching music, not much different from what she was doing before.”

“The last time we checked on her she was spitting out expletives at one of her students.”

“It’s high school P-dot, the F word is allowed every once in a while.”

“Still…”

Lapis flicking the girl who frowned. Pumpkin barking, running towards them, greeting them by jumping into their arms. Peridot landing on the leaves as the dog licked her furiously. “Ok, ok, god, I swear,” Peridot laughed, trying to control the dog. Lapis smiling at the scene, her heart swelling, hands brushing against the smooth surface of the box.

“Laz?” Peridot started, noticing her silence. “Are you ok?”

Lapis nodding slowly. Peridot sighing, grabbing her and squeezing her hands tightly. “Laz, I’ll be here, always. You can talk to me ok. You know that.”

Lapis closing her eyes, burying herself into Peridot’s shoulder. “I know,” she whispered. “I will talk, but right now…”

She pointed to the darkening skies. “Don’t we have an engagement party to get to?”

Peridot gasping looking to the BB8 watch Lapis had gifted her four years ago. The girl still wearing it, keeping it by her side. “Shit, we’re late!”

They bounded down the dirt path, Pumpkin leading the way and they rushed into the barn. “I’ll shower first!” Peridot calling out.

“Why? We could always bath together,” Lapis teased and the girl spluttered as Lapis nuzzled her. 

“No, no, not now Lapis!” Peridot scolded.

“Why? We could be quick.”

“You know what happens when we do that Laz, no, bad girl, I’ll shower first. Wipe that paint off your nose!” Peridot nagged and Lapis laughed as the girl blushed, rushing into the showers closing the door behind her. Lapis grabbing a cloth and climbing the ladder to the rafters, wiping the paint from her hands and face. 

Her eyes glancing at the pictures stuck haphazardly on the walls. Pictures of family, of friends, of Pumpkin, of them...pictures filled with memories of the three years they’ve spent together. Lapis brushing her fingers across, lingering over a photograph of a smiling Peridot holding on to a then puppy Pumpkin. The joy in her grin evident. Their family grew by one more. 

Family… home...Lapis had it all but she wanted a concrete answer. A glue that would make it stay. She wanted to make a statement to tell the world, that Peridot was hers and yet…

She was afraid. 

“I’m done Laz! Hurry we’re going to be late!” Peridot calling out to her and she sighed. It would have to wait, there was still a party to get too. They could talk later. They always did. 

A while later they left the barn, making their way down the dirt path towards the bus stop. Peridot asking Pumpkin to look after the house. It was a pointless gesture but Lapis still loved Peridot for doing so, it was adorable anyway. They got into the bus, Peridot talking about her latest research of quantum realities and probabilities, delving into a world of chances and facts. Lapis listened, patiently, knowing that the girl needed to get it out of her system. She didn’t mind anyway, Peridot’s talks were always interesting...albeit complicated, but fascinating nonetheless. 

“So you’re telling me...that no outcome of an identical experiment can wield the same result in the quantum world?” Lapis asked, her head spinning from the complicated mess Peridot was trying to explain. 

“Yes and that is why it’s fascinating. Rules of the physical world do not apply in the Quantum world,” Peridot exclaimed. Her green eyes sparkling. “Nothing is set in stone Lapis, the Quantum world has proven that. There are a thousand perhaps even a million random chances that could happen in our lives. So whatever happens in our lives are just a series of random chances that just so happen to align."

"What are you trying to say, Peri? All I'm hearing is blah blah blah," Lapis teased. Peridot groaning. "Ok let me simplify it for you. What I'm trying to say is this-" She was interrupted, her speech cut short as Amethyst came from behind, slamming into her. Lapis watching the scene with amusement. 

Peridot landing on the ground, Amethyst hugging her tightly.

“Long time no see P!” the Mexican laughed. Peridot protesting from the intense greeting. “Amy! Seriously!”

The Mexican turning to Lapis, slapping her hard across the back. Lapis wincing from the impact. “How’s my favorite couple doing?” 

“We just met last week Amy,” Lapis reminding the girl. 

“Yeah, but a week too long beside I want to know what happened after Peridot bought that-”

Lapis raising an eyebrow as Peridot rushed forward planting a hand over Amethyst’s lips, stopping the girl from speaking. “What! Peri? What?!”

“Amy, shut your pie hole,” Peridot seethes. 

“You haven’t...oh my god...you guys...I’m going to kill you!”

“What’s going on?” Lapis asked and Peridot yelped, laughing nervously. Jasper appearing behind them.

“Probably something stupid,” she greeted smirking. “How are you doing guys?”

“Jaz,” Amethyst smiled, rushing over and they hugged. “You made it.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Jasper replied. Peridot and Lapis groaning as the two girls frenched kiss. 

“Get used to it already,” Amethyst chided.

“I’m sorry Amy, but there is no getting used to that.” Peridot protested. 

“Ok, ok let’s head in before we have another meltdown,” Jasper said and the bigger girl pushed them forward towards the little shophouse that had been refurbished into a quaint little restaurant. The scent of spices hitting them immediately. “So? How do you like it?” Amethyst asked. Lapis looking to the new decor. A simple classic mix of leather chairs and oak wood tables. Red carpet lined the floors, candles flickering gently on tables covered in red checkered cloth. There were photographs of Amethyst and Jasper hung up on the wall, along with a group photo they had taken a few months ago. Small lantern-like lights hung by the side casting a soft orange glow around the store. It had a homely feel to it and it looked rather good. “Bismuth helped design it,” Amethyst announced proudly. 

“It’s good,” Lapis replied, looking around and Amethyst beamed. The girl had started her own business just recently. Her food already gathering praise from the local press. It seemed to be doing well always busy during the weekdays. Today, however, it was empty. Reserved for a private function. One that was special for all of them.

“LL, Peri, you’re late!” Rose greeted them. She was seated by the counters with Pearl by her side. The preppy looking girl wearing a business suit. 

“They arrived so early I didn’t know where to put them,” Amethyst muttered, looking to Pearl who folded her arms. “It’s good to be early Amy,” the girl protesting and they broke out laughing as Pearl and Amethyst bickered. It was the usual and Lapis settled, smiling slightly at the scene. 

Bismuth arrived later and they sat by the tables talking about their lives. Rose commenting how their private business was gaining traction. A social venture to help the needy. Pearl heading the front, Rose supporting from the back. The girls making a good team. “Oh, and we adopted a son,” Rose mentioned casually and all hell broke loose.

“What the hell Rose,” Bismuth commenting. “Why do you always give us surprises like this!?”

“And Pearl agreed?” Amethyst exclaimed. Pearl nodding. The girl was beaming as she pulled out her phone showing them photos of a baby cuddled in Rose’s arms. He had black curly hair, the largest brown eyes Lapis had ever seen and he was smiling. He was cute and Lapis felt her heart-melting. 

“Oh my god,” Peridot muttered, “He is…”

“Beautiful!” Amethyst exclaimed. 

“Of course, we found him,” Pearl bragged.

“What is his name?”

“Steven,” Rose continued. The woman beaming. “And his ours now. We wanted to bring him along but Pearl said he's too young...so his at home with a babysitter.”

“You guys...are moving too fast!” Amethyst pouted. “First you got married without telling us! And now this...my god...stop giving us heart attacks.”

“Hey, you’ve got to live life somehow,” Rose chuckled, bringing Pearl close kissing her. Lapis noticing the elation in their eyes. “We’ll bring him next time. And you can spoil him.”

“Steven...huh…” Jasper muttered, smiling, looking to the phone. “Not a bad idea huh Amy?” 

Amethyst spluttering and growing flustered for the first time and the group broke out laughing again. Sapphire and Ruby arriving hand in hand later on. The main guest of the party. Rings on their fingers as they showed them off. The young women sharing a kiss as they congratulated the couple.

“So when is the ceremony?” Bismuth asked. 

“In a few more months,” Ruby answered, cutting into the spread of dishes laid out for them. A mixture of greek and Mexican food. Sapphire chuckling, wiping the food stain on her fiancee's cheeks. 

“Well I’m glad somebody is doing a wedding the proper way,” Amethyst commenting looking to both Pearl and Rose who protested. 

“Look we were in a hurry, we needed to sign the adoption papers,” Pearl replied. Amethyst sighing. “Of all the people I know, I thought you of all people would do things the proper way. I wanted to be the bridesmaid you know.”

Pearl spluttering.

“Now I’ll have to wait 10 years for Peridot to finally get married. And we all know how slow those two can be.” Amethyst pointing to Peridot. 

“Hey!” Peridot protesting. Lapis tensing as Jasper glared at her. She turned away, not wanting to deal with this right now. 

“Relax Amy,” Sapphire started, “You’ll be the bridesmaid this time around.”

“Really?”

“Yes, why do you think you’re here?”

The night continued. The group making easy conversation. Ruby and Sapphire reciting the story of how they proposed. Apparently it consisted of a rather romantic trip up a hot air balloon, a horse, a cowboy suit and a ring. It was a confusing story but it worked. Sapphire accepting the proposal and they got engaged. And now here they were, together. Their futures moving forward. It was a strange sight to see her friends this way. Just three years ago they were fresh graduates, uncertain about the future and now...here they were. They were all changing, growing. Lapis becoming silent as she sunk into contemplative thought.

_ Why was she hesitating? _ She did not have the answer. 

Lapis got up, making an excuse to use the bathroom. She needed to be alone, to gather her thoughts. Her hand brushing against the small box. She sighed leaning against the sink, staring at the mirror. Blue eyes staring back at her. “What are you doing?” she whispered.

“Yeah, what the hell are you waiting for Lapis?” Jasper's voice breaking through the silence.

Lapis turned, shocked. Her childhood friend glaring at her, hands on her hips as she marched towards her. Jasper reached out grabbing Lapis by the shoulders forcing her to look at orange determined eyes.

“Jasper...what are you-”

“Lapis, it’s been three months, when in heavens name are you going to ask her?” 

Lapis falling silent as Jasper pressed. Her hands clenched tightly. 

“Look, I…”

“Why are you hesitating? I thought you were passed this Laz.”

“Jasper…”

“Don’t you love her Lapis? Don’t you want this?”

“I do Jasper, but it’s not that easy. Things could change...I can’t…”

“Lapis,” Jasper stopping her from continuing. Her childhood friend gripping her tightly. “Things would always change. We both know that. Look at our lives Lapis, we had Mal, we thought she’ll always be there but then she died. We were broken, we were hurt and now...here we are. Lapis, things would always change and I won’t stand here watching you throw this away. I won’t be a bystander anymore. Lapis, what do you want? What exactly do you want to do? You need to decide Lapis, don’t run away.”

Jasper nudging her before leaving her alone. Her words echoing in her ears. _ What exactly do you want to do? _

The night dragged on and by the time they were done, Bismuth was helping Rose with a drunk Pearl. Amethyst giggling at the sight, taking photos as Pearl started rapping. It was funny and they broke out laughing.

“Never thought the girl could get drunk,” Peridot muttered, amused by Pearl spitting out expletives.

“It was Vodka, 80 percent,” Amethyst replied winking, “I switched her drinks and she didn’t even know.”

“She’s going to kill you when she finds out Amy.”

Amethyst pouting. “Well, she’s always bragging about how she’ll never get drunk.”

“Amethyst,” Ruby warned. 

“Aye, she’ll forgive me anyway.”

“You better apologize later Amy,” Sapphire scolded, “I don’t want two fighting bridesmaids, a wedding is already stressful enough.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make her,” Jasper said and Amethyst sighed.

“Fine, fine.”

And they bade each other goodbye, promising to meet each other again. Peridot sliding her hands into Lapis as they made their way down the streets. Peridot stumbling slightly, a little tipsy from the drinks. 

“Since we’re here...want to get some coffee?” Peridot asked, Lapis smiling. “You’re slurring Peri, you sure you want to walk?”

“Come on, let’s walk,” Peridot protested, hiccupping and Lapis chuckled. She pulled the girl along. “Just a few years ago I would have to force you to go for one of my hikes,” Lapis remarked and Peridot shrugged.

“You’ve infected me I guess,” Peridot answered, grinning cheekily. Her green eyes sparkling as bright as the sun. Lapis pausing slightly, her heart beating just a bit faster. _ What do you want to do Lapis? _ The question reverberating not letting go.

“Laz?” Peridot interrupting her thoughts. Lapis finding herself standing outside the convenience store, where they first met. Bright fluorescent lights spilling out from the sign onto the sidewalk. They were standing in the exact spot they met. 

“I wonder if Lars still around,” Peridot started. Peridot chuckling as Lapis sneezed. The girl reaching out, cupping Lapis’s cheeks gently. “Let me get some coffee, it’s freezing.” Coffee...it was always the answer wasn’t it. 

“Peri,” Lapis muttered, “Why did you...why did you serve me that night?”

“Do you want the truth?” Peridot answered, blushing a little and Lapis nodded.

“Well...you were...well...ok don’t laugh ok.”

“Promise.”

“You were really beautiful.”

“That’s it? So if I wasn’t attractive you’ll look the other way?” Lapis teased and Peridot protested.

“No, no that wasn’t...urgh...you...you were just there and you looked so…”

Peridot frantically trying to explain and Lapis chuckled. Peridot falling silent, gathering her thoughts before continuing. 

“Look, I don’t know what possessed me. Maybe it was your eyes? You seemed so sad...like you were leaving and...sure it was scary, but at that moment, I had made the decision. I saw you and I wanted to know you.”

Peridot’s words echoing in her ears. “So yeah, that was why...so…”

Lapis had wanted to die that night. Everything was wrong and the pain had consumed her. Yet in that darkness, in that place where nothing reached she had found her answer. Lapis had found it ever since that cup of coffee was offered up to her. Peridot had been afraid but she had made her decision. That simple act of courage...of kindness turning into something more. It had saved her. And suddenly, huddled in this very same space, the future spreads out. Lapis clenching her fist. Her heart pounding as she thought of green eyes, blonde messy hair, of smiles as bright as the sun. ** _She had made a decision, hasn’t she. _ **

“So...about what you were talking about just now…” Lapis whispered.

“Just now?”

“About the Quantum World...about chances…”

Peridot’s eyes widening. Lapis noticing how the girl was blushing, spluttering. And then she understood, Peridot’s explanation, her soft blushes, her uncanny nervousness...it suddenly made sense. 

“Want to explain it to me, Peri?”

“Well…” Peridot muttered, shifting her feet nervously. Lapis remembering the incident with Amethyst. How Peridot had interrupted the girl before the words could spill. A smile graced her lips. “There are a thousand perhaps even a million random chances that could happen in our lives.” Peridot repeated, “And that in these random series of events, in this world...what happens, who we meet...what we choose are a series of chances that cannot be predicted...therefore…” Peridot paused, looking to Lapis, her green eyes wavering in the bright lights. “Our meeting was a miracle, it could have gone a million different ways and yet here we are. Here in this reality, in this possibility. So...so what I'm trying to say is…"

Lapis stopping her, placing a finger on her lips. Joy erupting in her chest. She pulled out the box, opening it and watched as Peridot’s eyes widened in shock. “What are the chances of us meeting each other?” she whispered.

“Close to zero…” Peridot breathes, reaching out, running her fingers down the simple silver ring, sitting on its tip was a simple small green gem shaped in a motif of a four-leaf clover. 

“And yet here we are,” Lapis continued, leaning closer to the girl. “I’m sorry it’s not a 10-carat ring,” she teased. The girl cupping her lips, tears running down her eyes. Eyes filled with joy...with love and nothing else.

Peridot launches herself forward. Lapis catching the girl.

“Will you marry me, Peridot Costa?” Lapis asked.

“Do you even need to ask?”

“Yes. So...what is your answer?” 

“You clod,” the girl whispered and from her pockets, Peridot pulled out a similar small box. “It would seem...we’re both clods.” 

Peridot opening the box and Lapis smiled, her suspicions, confirmed. “What were we waiting for?” Lapis joked and Peridot laughed. Lapis reaching for the ring, feeling it in her hands. Happiness blooming in her chest. 

“Stay with me, Lapis, always,” Peridot muttered, blushing as Lapis leaned in, embracing her. Feeling the girl, their hearts beating as one. 

It was not going to be easy, Lapis knew that. Life had a way of coming and hitting you on the face with a big fuck you. Lapis knew this all too well. One moment it could be fine and the next there would be hell. But somehow, having Peridot by her side made things easier. 

They were two broken girls. One hurt, tired and trapped, one bullied and afraid to trust. They had drifted alone and apart but somehow life brought them together, a chance meeting and they had collided towards a path of no return. 

Peridot and Lapis…Lapis and Peridot...

“I’m home,” they both whispered at the same time and they laughed, crashing into each other, their lips meeting. The stars shining brightly above them.

They had found each other and in their little heaven, they will survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it has finally come to an end. To everyone who had read and reviewed, who left kudos, I thank you. 
> 
> This story is dedicated to a friend. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I don't know where you are or if you're still around. We had done many things together and I think about you all the time. I don't know if you're still alive if the darkness in you has taken you apart. But know this, no matter where you are, no matter what you've done, I forgive you. So if you're still here, if you find this story by chance, I hope you're doing well. Again, thank you for everything.


End file.
